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"The Big Bang Theory: The 43 Peculiarity (#6.8)" (2012)
[Howard and Raj watch the video of Sheldon in the room]Sheldon Cooper: This is Dr. Sheldon Cooper. Experimental log. Wormhole generator test forty-four.
Howard Wolowitz: Wormhole generator test?
[Wormhole appears]
Sheldon Cooper: The first forty-three parallel universes I've checked proved to be empty. I see no reason to suspect universe number forty-four will be any different.
[Puts his head in the wormhole; when he takes it out he has an alien creature attached to his face]
Howard Wolowitz: Oh, my God!
Raj Koothrappali: Holy crap!
Sheldon Cooper: Oh! It's eating my face!
Raj Koothrappali: It's eating his face!
[Sheldon sneaks in from behind them and throw the fake alien creature onto their laptop; Howard and Raj freak out]
Leonard Hofstadter: It's not to go to the bathroom. He goes at 8:00 AM, with follow-ups at 1:45 and 7:10 on high-fiber Fridays.
Howard Wolowitz: It's sad that you know that.
Leonard Hofstadter: That's just the tip of the sadness iceberg.
Howard Wolowitz: I wonder what Sheldon's hiding in there?
Raj Koothrappali: He's always been kind of a weirdo. Maybe he's got Leonard Nimoy chained up in there. Or Bill Gates or Stephen Hawking.
Howard Wolowitz: Why would he chain up Stephen Hawking?
Raj Koothrappali: Howard, shame on you! You can't treat him differently just because he's disabled, that's not okay!
Howard Wolowitz: We're going to the genetics lab to pet the glow-in-the-dark bunny. Want to come?
Sheldon Cooper: No, thanks.
Raj Koothrappali: When they turn off the lights, it's like a little laser show that poops all over the place.
Raj Koothrappali: That's a good camera.
Howard Wolowitz: Should be. It's from the Mars Rover.
Raj Koothrappali: How did you get it?
Howard Wolowitz: 5 million dollar equipment, ten dollar lock.
Sheldon Cooper: You may not realize it, but I have difficulty navigating through certain aspects of daily life: understanding sarcasm, feigning interest in others, not talking about trains as much as I'd want to. It's exhausting! Which is why, for 20 minutes a day, I like to go down to that room, turn my mind off and do what I need to do to recharge.
Howard Wolowitz: But what do you do in there?
Raj Koothrappali: What does 43 mean?
Sheldon Cooper: You don't need to know. You don't deserve to know. And you will never know.
[Leaves]
Raj Koothrappali: Yeah? Well, I know how to make your egg salad now!
Raj Koothrappali: In "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy", isn't 43 the answer to life, the universe and everything?
Howard Wolowitz: That's 42, dumbass.
Raj Koothrappali: Hey! Feelings.
[Opening lines]
Raj Koothrappali: What are you drawing over there?
Sheldon Cooper: A containment unit for a frisbee-sized wormhole that could serve as a portal to a parallel universe.
Howard Wolowitz: Oh, you silly doodlebug.
Leonard Hofstadter: You know, scientists believe that contact with other lifeforms would not be good for us.
Sheldon Cooper: It's a frisbee-sized wormhole, Leonard. I can just cover it with a frisbee. Here.
[Hands napkin to Howard]
Howard Wolowitz: You expect me to build this?
Sheldon Cooper: No, I expect you to wipe the pudding off your chin. Gentlemen?
Raj Koothrappali: This is so exciting! Like one of my classic murder mystery parties.
Leonard Hofstadter: Like the case of who murdered three Saturday nights from my life.
Howard Wolowitz: Colonel Koothrappali in the kitchen with the olive spread.
Raj Koothrappali: It was tapanade, and you guys suck.
Howard Wolowitz: What could 43 be, besides my mother's neck size?
Raj Koothrappali: It's the atomic number for technetium.
Howard Wolowitz: That stuff's radioactive.
Raj Koothrappali: You think he's building a bomb?
Howard Wolowitz: Nah, it took him two years to put together that Lego Death Star, I'm not worried.
Raj Koothrappali: This is fun. Sneaking around in the middle of the night. It's like we're a couple of cat burglars.
Howard Wolowitz: We're not cat burglars. We're more like ninjas.
Raj Koothrappali: I don't want to be a ninja. I want to be a cat burglar.
Howard Wolowitz: Fine. I'll be a ninja, and you be a cat burglar.
Raj Koothrappali: No, we both have to be the same thing!
Howard Wolowitz: Fine! We're both ninjas.
Raj Koothrappali: Okay. But next time we'll be cat burglars.
Howard Wolowitz: [Unlocking door] There. Let's go.
Raj Koothrappali: Wait. Sheldon's a smart guy. He probably has the place booby trapped.
Howard Wolowitz: You're right.
Raj Koothrappali: We need a way to find out first.
Howard Wolowitz: Don't worry, I have a way.
Raj Koothrappali: Really? What's the pla...
[Howard pushes Raj through the door]
Howard Wolowitz: You okay?
Raj Koothrappali: Yeah.
Howard Wolowitz: Wha the hell is 43?
Raj Koothrappali: It's a prime number. Encryption systems are based on prime numbers.
Howard Wolowitz: What kind of secrets would Sheldon need encrypting?
Raj Koothrappali: Maybe it's the secret to what makes his egg salad so delicious.
Howard Wolowitz: It's paprika.
Raj Koothrappali: Really? Well, one mystery solved.
"The Big Bang Theory: The Engagement Reaction (#4.23)" (2011)
Penny: You picked up your mother? Her own legs are barely able to do that.Howard Wolowitz: I was filled with adrenaline. It happens to be how women lift cars off of babies.
Penny: Yeah, I'm saying it'd be easier to lift a car.
Howard Wolowitz: What can I tell you? After I found the courage to put her pants back on, I was unstoppable.
Leonard Hofstadter: Is there a history of heart disease in your family?
Howard Wolowitz: My family *is* the history of heart disease. There's a cave painting in France of one of ancestors doing this.
[clutches his chest]
Howard Wolowitz: Mom also had just gotten some news that might've upset her.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: What?
Howard Wolowitz: It's not important.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Come on, Howard, I'm going to be your wife. You can share anything with me.
Howard Wolowitz: Oh, you'd think that, but no.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: You told her we were going to get married and she had a heart attack?
Howard Wolowitz: You can't take that personally.
Penny: How else is she supposed to take it?
Howard Wolowitz: What you've gotta keep in mind is that ever since my dad left, I've been the whole world to my mother. I mean, she'd be threatened by any woman who can give me what she can't.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: You mean sexual intercourse?
Howard Wolowitz: Well, when you say it like that, you make it sound creepy.
[Priya and Raj enter]
Priya Koothrappali: What happened?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Howard's mother had a heart attack because I have sex with him and she can't!
Howard Wolowitz: Can I see her?
Dr. Bernstein: Well, actually, she said, and I quote, she'd like to see the "little Catholic girl" first.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Me? Why me?
Howard Wolowitz: Jews have been asking that for centuries; there's no real good answer.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Okay, well, wish me luck.
Howard Wolowitz: Don't worry, you'll be fine. Let's just hide Mr. Cross. If it touches her, it burns.
Dr. Bernstein: You brought a Catholic girl home to your mother?
Howard Wolowitz: Yeah.
Dr. Bernstein: Why don't I write you a prescription for Xanax?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: You're a putz! You know what that means?
Howard Wolowitz: Yeah, do you?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Your mother just taught it to me. She thinks she got food poisoning from that deli and she just wanted to make sure I was okay.
Howard Wolowitz: And are you?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: No, because I'm engaged to a putz!
Bernadette Rostenkowski: [about Mrs. Wolowitz] She said I'm a wonderful girl and that you're lucky to have me.
Howard Wolowitz: Where are you going?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: [sounding like Mrs. Wolowitz] To the toilet! Is that okay with you!
[she exits]
Howard Wolowitz: [to Raj and Leonard] Is it just me or does she sound sexy when she's angry?
[last lines]
[the guys are playing Mystic Warlords of Ka'a with a quarantined Sheldon]
Sheldon Cooper: [plays card] Mountain Elf.
Raj Koothrappali: He takes the elf from off the shelf.
Leonard Hofstadter: [plays card] Hellhounds.
Raj Koothrappali: Hellhounds!
[to the tune of "Who Let The Dogs Out"]
Raj Koothrappali: Who let the Satanic dogs out? Who, who, who?
Howard Wolowitz: [plays card] Colossal Serpent.
Raj Koothrappali: [grabs his crotch] I've got a colossal serpent *right here*.
Sheldon Cooper: [exasperated] Must you?
Raj Koothrappali: Sorry, I'm just trying to cheer my buddy up.
[plays card]
Raj Koothrappali: Rotting Zombie.
[brief pause]
Raj Koothrappali: Sheldon's new Facebook photo.
Sheldon Cooper: Zandor, wizard of the North, ha, I win!
Howard Wolowitz: If you skip the part about being under a two week quarantine because you were exposed to a deadly disease, absolutely.
[Sheldon has accidentally drunk out of Leonard's water glass]
Sheldon Cooper: The backwash into this glass is every pathogen that calls your mouth "home sweet home." Not to mention the visitors who arrive on the dancing tongue of your subtropical girlfriend.
Raj Koothrappali: Hey! That's my sister and my country you're talking about! Leonard may have defiled one, but I won't have you talking smack about the other!
Bernadette Rostenkowski: You guys ready to order?
Sheldon Cooper: Yes. I'd like a seven-day course of penicillin, some syrup of ipecac to induce vomiting, and a mint.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: I don't understand.
Howard Wolowitz: He drank from Leonard's glass.
Sheldon Cooper: "He drank from Leonard's glass." Words they'll be carving into my tombstone.
Leonard Hofstadter: What did your mother say when you told her you were getting married?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: He hasn't told her yet; he's waiting for the right time.
Howard Wolowitz: Yeah, I was thinking of weaving it into her eulogy.
Priya Koothrappali: Howard, you've got to tell your mother!
Howard Wolowitz: [about Leonard] Hey, have you told your parents you're dating this short glass of skim milk yet?
Priya Koothrappali: Uh, that's different. First of all, we're not engaged. And second, Indian parents are very protective of their children.
Howard Wolowitz: Right, right. Whereas Jewish mothers take a casual la-di-da approach to their sons.
[the guys are playing Mystic Warlords of Ka'a]
Sheldon Cooper: [plays card] Fire demon.
Raj Koothrappali: Ooh, fire demon, Sheldon's turning up the heat!
Howard Wolowitz: [plays card] Troll master.
Raj Koothrappali: Check it, Howard pulls one out from under the bridge. Nice!
Leonard Hofstadter: [plays card] Water nymph.
Raj Koothrappali: Oh yeah, she's got puddles in all the right places.
Sheldon Cooper: Could you please play the game without commenting on every card?
Raj Koothrappali: Sorry.
[plays card]
Raj Koothrappali: Walking tree.
[looks at Sheldon imploringly]
Sheldon Cooper: Last one
Raj Koothrappali: I'm taking a stroll and I'm sporting wood!
Howard Wolowitz: Bernadette and my mother are having a get-to-know-you lunch at the Old Town Deli.
Raj Koothrappali: Oh, that sounds lovely.
Howard Wolowitz: Hope so. Course, if history is any indication my mother will swallow her whole and spit out her bones like an owl.
Leonard Hofstadter: Have you met Bernadette's parents?
Howard Wolowitz: You mean Adolph and Eva? Not yet, one goose-step at a time.
Howard Wolowitz: It was either a heart attack, or a heart attack like event.
Penny: What's the difference?
Sheldon: A heart attack like event is an event that's like a heart attack.
"The Big Bang Theory: The Electric Can Opener Fluctuation (#3.1)" (2009)
Leonard Hofstadter: Oh, thank God we're home!Howard Wolowitz: I can't believe we spent three months in that frozen hell.
Rajesh Koothrappali: It was like a snowy nightmare from which there was no awakening.
Sheldon Cooper: I don't know what Arctic expedition you guys were on, but I thought it was a hoot and a half.
Sheldon Cooper: I just want you both to know when I publish my findings, I won't forget your contributions.
Howard Wolowitz: Grace.
Sheldon Cooper: And of course, I can't mention you in my Nobel acceptance speech, but when I get around to writing my memoirs, you can expect a very effusive footnote, and perhaps a signed copy.
Howard Wolowitz: Sheldon, you remember the first few weeks we were looking for magnetic monopoles and not finding anything, and you were acting like an obnoxious giant dictator?
Rajesh Koothrappali: I thought we were going to be gentle with him.
Howard Wolowitz: That's why I added the "tator".
Sheldon Cooper: Did Leonard know about this? Leonard's my best friend in the world. Surely, Leonard didn't know.
Howard Wolowitz: Actually, it was his idea.
Sheldon Cooper: Of course it was. The whole plan reeks of Leonard.
Leonard Hofstadter: I don't want to go to Texas!
Howard Wolowitz: Oh, right, and I do? My people already crossed the desert once. We're done!
Leonard Hofstadter: Will you please take that stupid hat off?
Howard Wolowitz: No, I want to blend in.
Rajesh Koothrappali: To what? Toy Story?
Rajesh Koothrappali: [Whispering] We have to tell him.
Sheldon Cooper: Tell me what?
Howard Wolowitz: Damn his Vulcan hearing.
Howard Wolowitz: [about his moustache] I call it the Clooney.
Rajesh Koothrappali: I call it the Mario and Luigi, but whatever.
Howard Wolowitz: Hey, how's Sheldon doing?
Leonard Hofstadter: Well, he came out of his room this morning wearing his Darth Vader helmet and tried to choke me to death with the Force, so I'd say... a little better.
Rajesh Koothrappali: I'm sorry, this does not look like Texas. Where's the tumbleweeds? Where's the saloons?
Leonard Hofstadter: Saloons?
Rajesh Koothrappali: Yeah, like in the movies I saw growing up in India. You know, Four For Texas, Yellow Rose of Texas...
Howard Wolowitz: This neighborhood is more Texas Chainsaw Massacre.
Rajesh Koothrappali: I was really hoping to see a cattle drive.
Leonard Hofstadter: What can I tell you? They probably have steaks on sale at that big-ass Costco over there.
Leonard Hofstadter: I can't believe you bought a red cowboy hat.
Howard Wolowitz: Hello? I'm wearing a red turtleneck. Plus it was the only boys' large they had.
Penny: Leonard, you're back!
Leonard Hofstadter: Yeah, I just stopped by to...
[Penny grabs Leonard and kisses him]
Leonard Hofstadter: [taken completely by surprise] Yeah, so, hi.
Penny: Hi!
[Penny pulls Leonard into her apartment and slams the door]
Howard Wolowitz: Damn it, I should have gone over and told her we were back.
Rajesh Koothrappali: [sarcastically] Yeah, it was first come, first serve.
"The Big Bang Theory: The Panty Piñata Polarization (#2.7)" (2008)
Howard Wolowitz: Every week they kick out a beautiful girl, making her feel unwanted and without self-esteem... a.k.a, the future Mrs. Howard Wolowitz.Leonard Hofstadter: [about the Next Top Model house] Are you insane? You're not going to party with them. You're not even going to get anywhere near that place.
Howard Wolowitz: That's what they said to Neil Armstrong abut the moon.
Sheldon Cooper: No one said anything of the kind to Neil Armstrong. The entire nation dedicated a decade of effort and treasure to put a man on the moon.
Howard Wolowitz: Well, my fellow Americans, before this year is out, we will put a Wolowitz on one of America's top models.
Rajesh Koothrappali: And a large number of people will believe it never happened.
Sheldon Cooper: You can't do that. Not only is it a violation of California State law, it flies directly in the face of Cheesecake Factory policy.
Penny: Yeah, I know; there's a new policy: No shoes, no shirt, no Sheldon.
Howard Wolowitz: I bet we could sell that sign all over Pasadena.
Howard Wolowitz: Oh, look, there's the future Mrs. Wolowitz. No, wait, that's the future Mrs. Wolowitz, with her head in the lap of - eh, what a coincidence - the future Mrs. Wolowitz.
Leonard Hofstadter: Yeah, and they can all move in with you and your mother. The current Mrs. Wolowitz.
Leonard Hofstadter: For the record, what you guys are doing is really creepy.
Howard Wolowitz: You know what, if it's "creepy" to use the internet, military satellites and robot aircraft to find a house full of gorgeous young models so that I can drop in on them unexpectedly then fine, I'm creepy.
[last lines]
Howard Wolowitz: [about a model] She's taller than all of the women in my family combined.
Rajesh Koothrappali: What do we do now?
Howard Wolowitz: [another model walks by] Follow Mrs. Wolowitz.
Sheldon Cooper: Excuse me, Penny, but we're...
Leonard Hofstadter: No don't tell her!
Sheldon Cooper: ...playing Klingon Boggle.
Leonard Hofstadter: Awww...
Howard Wolowitz: What do you mean "aww," like she didn't know we were nerds?
Sheldon Cooper: [in a computer message] Hello, puny insects. As a consequence of your efforts to circumvent my will, Everyone is awarded one additional strike.
Leonard Hofstadter: Thanks a lot, Howard.
Howard Wolowitz: What are you complaining about? I'm the one who has to take the class again.
Leonard Hofstadter: [referring to the strikes Sheldon gave her] Don't worry, they only stay on your record for a year.
Howard Wolowitz: You can get them removed early, but you have to take his class.
Leonard Hofstadter: Penny, you don't want to get into it with Sheldon. The guy is one lab accident away from being a supervillain.
Penny: I don't care. I was in Junior Rodeo. I can hogtie and castrate him in sixty seconds.
Howard Wolowitz: No need to neuter the nerd, I can get you back online.
Sheldon Cooper: Penny, I wish I could be more lenient with you, but since you've become a member of our social group I have to hold you to the same high standards as everybody else.
Leonard Hofstadter: Congratulations, you're officially one of us.
Howard Wolowitz: [chanting] One of us! One of us!
"The Big Bang Theory: The Jiminy Conjecture (#3.2)" (2009)
Howard Wolowitz: Tell you what; I'm willing to bet ANYTHING, that's an ordinary field cricket.Sheldon: I can't take your money.
Howard Wolowitz: What's the matter? You chicken?
Sheldon: I've always found that an inappropriate slur. Chickens are not, by nature, at all timid. In fact, when I was young, my neighbor's chicken got loose and chased me up the big elm tree in front of our house.
Rajesh Koothrappali: Chickens can't climb trees.
Sheldon: Thank God.
Howard Wolowitz: Okay.
[Holds hands up in surrender]
Howard Wolowitz: I believe a chicken made you his bitch.
Leonard Hofstadter: We don't have to have sex every night.
Howard Wolowitz: You don't, but it's highly recomended.
Leonard Hofstadter: It's just that the sex was not the way I dreamt it would be.
Howard Wolowitz: Hell, sex is never the way I dreamed.
Rajesh Koothrappali: That's because in your dreams, you're a horse from the waist down.
Sheldon Cooper: Did I cross a line?
Rajesh Koothrappali: Of course. You...
Howard Wolowitz: No, let him figure it out by himself.
Howard Wolowitz: [a cricket chirps] What was that?
Sheldon Cooper: Hold on.
[Looks at watch while cricket chirps]
Sheldon Cooper: That is a snowy tree cricket.
Howard Wolowitz: How can you tell?
Sheldon Cooper: In 1890, Emile Dolbear determined that there was a fixed relationship between the number of chirps per minute of the snowy tree cricket and the ambient temperature; a precise relationship that is not present with ordinary field crickets.
Rajesh Koothrappali: And how do you know what the ambient room temperature is?
Sheldon Cooper: According to our agreement, I have unilateral control over the thermostat since the sweaty night in '06.
Howard Wolowitz: No, you're misunderstanding. A shiksa goddess isn't an actual goddess. You don't pray *to* them, we prey *on* them.
Rajesh Koothrappali: Whatever, dude. The point is, Leonard's got one and you don't.
Howard Wolowitz: We need to ask you a question.
Professor Crawley: Really? Let me ask you a question. What does an accomplished entomologist with a doctorate and twenty years of experience do when the university cuts all his funding?
Rajesh Koothrappali: Ask uncomfortable rhetorical questions to people?
Howard Wolowitz: Sheldon, you're wrong! Wolverine was not born with bone claws.
Sheldon: Howard, you know me to be a very smart man. Don't you think if I were wrong, I'd know it?
Howard Wolowitz: First of all...
Rajesh Koothrappali: Give it up, dude. You're arguing with a crazy person.
Howard Wolowitz: Don't push me, Sheldon. I may be small, but I took kung fu when I was thirteen and I remember a good deal of it!
Sheldon: Oh, really? Well, I grew up with an older brother and a very contentious twin sister, and I believe I could easily best you in any physical confrontation, be it noogies, swirlies, or the classic "Why are you hitting yourself?"
Professor Crawley: I haven't even packed yet, and you're already measuring my lab for one of your godless laser machines.
Howard Wolowitz: No, you don't understand. We just want to ask you a question.
Professor Crawley: Let me ask you one first. What's a world renowned entomologist with a doctorate and 20 years of experience to do with his life when the university cuts off the funding for his lab, huh?
Rajesh Koothrappali: Ask rhetorical questions that make people uncomfortable?
Howard Wolowitz: [Opens book] There we are, the common field cricket. Gryllus assimilis, which is Latin for "Suck it, you lose!"
Sheldon Cooper: Hang on.
[Leafs through book]
Sheldon Cooper: Voila! The snowy tree cricket. Oceanthus fultoni, which is Latin for "I'll suck nothing." Of course, I'm joking, because the Latin for that is "Nihil exsorbibo".
"The Big Bang Theory: The Bat Jar Conjecture (#1.13)" (2008)
Leonard: Do I have to quote Spock's dying words to you? The needs of the many...Howard Wolowitz: ...outweigh the needs of the few...
Sheldon: ...or the one. Damn it, I'll do it.
[does Vulcan salute]
Howard Wolowitz: Maybe I should answer the engineering questions. I am an engineer, after all.
Sheldon: By that logic, I should answer all the anthropology questions because I'm a mammal.
Penny: [Raj whispers something to Howard] What did he say?
Howard Wolowitz: He compared Sheldon to a disposable feminine cleansing product one might use on a summer's eve.
Penny: Yeah, and the bag it came in.
Raj Koothrappali: I say we wait until he looks at us, then laugh like "Yes, you are a smart and strong competitor, but we are also smart and strong and we have a reasonable chance of defeating you."
Leonard: How exactly would that laugh go?
Raj Koothrappali: [in high-pitched voice] He-he-he-he-he-he!
Howard Wolowitz: That sounds more like "We are a tall, thin woman who wants to make a coat out of your Dalmatians."
Leonard: Guys, let's remember that Sheldon is still our friend, and my roommate.
Howard Wolowitz: So?
Leonard: So, nothing. Let's destroy him.
Leslie Winkle: Wait. You are going up against Sheldon Cooper?
Howard Wolowitz: Yes.
Leslie Winkle: That arrogant, misogynistic East Texas doorknob that told me I should abandon my work with high energy particles for laundry and child bearing?
Leonard: She's in.
[regarding the equation in the final question]
Raj Koothrappali: Holy crap!
Leonard: What the hell is that?
Howard Wolowitz: It looks like something they found on the ship at Roswell.
Howard Wolowitz: Oooh... more details about the new Star Trek film. There's going to be a scene depicting Spock's birth.
Raj Koothrappali: I'd be more interested in a scene depicting Spock's conception.
Sheldon: Oh, please. For Vulcans, mating - or if you will, pon farr... is an extremely private matter.
Leonard: Still, I'd like to know the details. His mother was human, his father was Vulcan. They couldn't just 'conceive'.
Howard Wolowitz: Maybe they had to go to a clinic. Can you imagine Spock's dad in a little room with a copy of "Pointy Ears and Shapely Rears"?
Raj Koothrappali: How come on Star Trek everybody's private parts are the same? No alien lady ever told Captain Kirk, "Hey, get your thing out of my nose".
Howard Wolowitz: We're going to need a strong 4th for our team.
Raj Koothrappali: You know who's apparently very smart, is the girl who played TV's "Blossom." She got her Ph.D in neuroscience or something.
Leonard Hofstadter: Raj, we're not getting TV's "Blossom" to join our Physics Bowl team.
Raj Koothrappali: How about the girl from the "Wonder Years?"
Sheldon: The objective of the competition is to give correct answers. If I know them, why shouldn't I give them?
Howard Wolowitz: Some of us might have the correct answers, too.
Sheldon: [scoffing] Oh, please. You don't even have a Ph.D.
Howard Wolowitz: [standing up angrily] All right, that's it!
Leonard: Howard, sit down.
Howard Wolowitz: [sitting down submissively] Okay.
Howard Wolowitz: Okay, we're going to need a strong fourth for our team.
Raj Koothrappali: You know who's apparently very smart, is the girl who played TV's Blossom. She got a PhD in neuroscience or something.
Leonard: Raj, we're not getting TV's Blossom to join our physics bowl team.
Raj Koothrappali: How about the girl from the Wonder Years?
Howard Wolowitz: Gentlemen, I believe I've found the solution to all our problems.
Leonard: We can't ask Leslie Winkle.
Raj Koothrappali: Why? Because you slept together and when she was done with you she discarded you like last night's chutney?
Leonard: Yes.
"The Big Bang Theory: The Thanksgiving Decoupling (#7.9)" (2013)
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Why don't you go keep my dad company?Howard Wolowitz: He doesn't want me in there; I'm the creepy little guy who has sex with his daughter.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Don't be silly. He loves you.
Howard Wolowitz: Does he?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: He, he cares about you a lot.
Howard Wolowitz: Really?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: I do crap for you all the time. Get out there!
Penny: Here.
[gives Howard a bottle]
Penny: Thank you for having us.
Howard Wolowitz: What's with you?
Leonard Hofstadter: Well, she's mad at me because she just found out she's married to Zack.
Howard Wolowitz: Really? That dumb ass you used to date? That's,
[laughs]
Howard Wolowitz: that's hysterical.
Penny: [grabs bottle back] I can't believe I felt bad for opening this in the car.
Leonard Hofstadter: How am I the bad guy? She the one who married someone else. I'm the victim.
Howard Wolowitz: Sounds like Zack's the victim. You're sleeping with his wife.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Hey. Howard says that you've been making fun of him all day. Now both of you apologize right now.
Sheldon Cooper: She's so tiny! It's funny when she's mad.
Amy Farrah Fowler: All right, mister. I think you owe Howard and Bernadette an apology.
Sheldon Cooper: Perhaps you're right. I'm sorry for my behavior. I've had alcohol and it's caused me to be inappropriate.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Okay.
Howard Wolowitz: Don't worry about it.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Thank you.
Sheldon Cooper: Ain't she great?
Amy Farrah Fowler: Sheldon.
Sheldon Cooper: Now, hows about you get us a couple of beers?
[Sheldon swats Amy on the rear; she first looks shocked, then leaves smiling]
Mrs. Wolowitz: Howard, the medicine's not working!
Howard Wolowitz: You just took it. At least let it reach your *first stomach*!
Penny: Howard. Cow tipping. Real or not?
Howard Wolowitz: I'm gonna say not. But that's just based on me trying to turn my mother over when she snores.
Mr. Rostenkowski: What's wrong with your mother?
Howard Wolowitz: Oh, her gout's acting up. Turns out an apple pie a day does not keep the doctor away.
Mrs. Wolowitz: How can one little toe hurt so bad?
Howard Wolowitz: Maybe because that little piggy is being *crushed by the barn!*
Howard Wolowitz: My mom went to Arizona. She rode one of those mules at the Grand Canyon. Long story short, they had to shoot it. 'Cause she's fat.
Raj Koothrappali: Where does your mom keep the Crisco?
Howard Wolowitz: I don't know. Maybe in a wad under her cheeks.
"The Big Bang Theory: The Lizard-Spock Expansion (#2.8)" (2008)
Leonard Hofstadter: What's the emergency?Howard Wolowitz: I got the Mars Rover stuck in a ditch.
Sheldon Cooper: Where?
Howard Wolowitz: On a dusty highway just outside Bakersfield... Where do you think? On Mars!
Howard Wolowitz: There's got to be other options.
Raj Koothrappali: Could try calling Triple-A. But based on NASA's latest time table, they won't get there for thirty-five years.
Sheldon Cooper: Plus, I understand that you have to be standing next to the vehicle with your card when they arrive.
Raj Koothrappali: Oh, snap!
Sheldon Cooper: Snap what?
Howard Wolowitz: Okay, I guess we have to turn to plan B.
Sheldon Cooper: What's plan B?
Howard Wolowitz: Erase all the hard drives, grab the surveillance tapes, wipe our fingerprints off every surface and run.
Sheldon Cooper: Why wasn't that plan A?
Howard Wolowitz: Hey, buddy, what brings you to my little slice of Hell?
Mrs. Wolowitz: Who is it?
Howard Wolowitz: It's Leonard!
Mrs. Wolowitz: You're gonna have to play outside! I'm not dressed to receive!
Howard Wolowitz: No one cares, Ma!
[to Leonard]
Howard Wolowitz: So, what's up?
Raj Koothrappali: Okay, who gets the extra dumpling?
Raj Koothrappali, Sheldon Cooper, Howard Wolowitz: Rock, paper, scissors, lizard, Spock!
[They all draw Spock]
Sheldon Cooper: Okay, one of us is going to have to stop putting up Spock.
Howard Wolowitz: How do we decide that?
Raj Koothrappali, Sheldon Cooper, Howard Wolowitz: Rock, paper, scissors, lizard, Spock!
Raj Koothrappali, Sheldon Cooper, Howard Wolowitz: [They all draw Spock again] Ahh!
Howard Wolowitz: A neg is a negative compliment that throws a pretty woman off her game, like: "Normally I'm not turned on by big teeth, but on you they work."
Penny: Howard, your scooter's blocking my car.
[Sees Howard with an eyepatch]
Penny: Aw, did you get pinkeye again?
Howard Wolowitz: Step one, she notices the eye-patch. May I say, Penny, not a lot of women could look as *hot* as you do with such greasy hair.
[Penny pulls on the eyepatch and snaps it back]
Penny: Yeah, just move your stupid scooter before I pick it up and throw it in the dumpster.
[Exits]
Howard Wolowitz: Ow.
Howard Wolowitz: Oh, if it isn't Mrs Dead To Me.
Stephanie: Hello, Howard.
Howard Wolowitz: Sheldon.
Sheldon Cooper: Look I'm sorry, you violated the terms of your metaphor by acknowledging her existence; I'm out.
[last lines]
Announcer: It's unclear how the Mars rover got into the crevice, but one thing's certain: the data which it has sent back contain the first clear indications that there may have been life on Mars.
[Howard's mouth falls open in shock]
Announcer: It's a scientific discovery that has staggering implications for all mankind. Unfortunately, we'll never know who's responsible.
Howard Wolowitz: Son of a bitch.
"The Big Bang Theory: The Classified Materials Turbulence (#2.22)" (2009)
[first lines]Sheldon Cooper: Smell that? That's the smell of new comic books.
[takes a deep breath]
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, yes!
Howard Wolowitz: They're on me today, boys.
Rajesh Koothrappali: You're paying? Have you been selling your sperm again?
Leonard Hofstadter: No, I'm celebrating. As we speak, the space shuttle is docking at the International Space Station, where it will deploy the Wolowitz Zero-Gravity Waste Disposal System.
Rajesh Koothrappali: Oh, get over yourself. It's a high-tech toilet.
Leonard Hofstadter: Just think, thanks to your hard work, an international crew of astronauts will boldly go where no man has gone before.
Howard Wolowitz: Is that supposed to be funny?
Sheldon Cooper: I believe it is. The combination of the Star Trek reference and the play on words involving the double meaning of the verb "to go" suggests that Leonard is humorously mocking your efforts in space plumbing.
Howard Wolowitz: Okay, make your little jokes. But of the four of us, I'm the only one making any real-world contribution to science and technology.
Rajesh Koothrappali: He's right. This is an important achievement for two reasons: Number one, and of course, number two.
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, clever! Playing on the use of cardinal numbers as euphemisms for bodily functions.
Rajesh Koothrappali: Interesting, Penny's current suitor asking advice from her former suitor.
Leonard Hofstadter: Yeah, thanks for closed-captioning my pain, Raj.
Howard Wolowitz: Hey, you wanna make sure he gets nowhere with Penny without jeopardizing your friendship with either of them?
Leonard Hofstadter: I'm listening.
Howard Wolowitz: Just tell him to do everything you've done with her for the last two years.
Howard Wolowitz: Here's an approximation of the spare parts available on the space station. We gotta find a way, using nothing but *this*, to reinforce this, so the waste material avoids the spinning turbine.
Rajesh Koothrappali: You mean so it doesn't hit the fan?
Sheldon Cooper: Yaeh, I have to say, I thought the toilet humor would get less funny with repetition.
[shakes his head]
Sheldon Cooper: Apparently, there is no law of diminishing comedic returns with space poop.
Leonard Hofstadter: I deliberately tried to sabotage Stuart's date with Penny.
Rajesh Koothrappali: Of course you feel terrible. You completely screwed up your karma, dude.
Sheldon Cooper: You don't really believe in that superstition, do you?
Rajesh Koothrappali: It's not superstition, it's practically Newtonian. For every action there's an equal and opposite reaction. Leonard pretends to be a friend and acts like a two-faced bitch. Therefore, he is reborn as a banana slug. It's actually a very elegant system. You know, what goes around comes around.
Howard Wolowitz: [motions Raj to return to working on the space toilet] Speaking of what goes around comes around...
Howard Wolowitz: Where you going?
Leonard Hofstadter: Comic book store.
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, an excellent idea! I could certainly use a break.
Rajesh Koothrappali: Me too.
Howard Wolowitz: Now hold on, you guys can go to the comic book store when man can once again safely poop in space.
Sheldon Cooper: Why does Leonard get to go?
Howard Wolowitz: Because he's upset over his situation with Penny, and if I have to hear about it again I'm gonna kick him in his ovaries.
Leonard Hofstadter: Thanks for understanding, Howard.
Howard Wolowitz: I got your back, sister.
Penny: What the hell is that?
Howard Wolowitz: Meatloaf.
Leonard Hofstadter: What was it doing on the ceiling?
Howard Wolowitz: That's classified.
Howard Wolowitz: Guys, we have a code red.
Sheldon Cooper: You mean code red the hospital emergency alert, code red the computer worm, or Code Red the cherry flavored soft drink from the makers of Mountain Dew?
Howard Wolowitz: Look, I was going over the schematics on my Zero-G toilet, and I made a teeny-tiny mistake on the specifications for the diverter valve.
Leonard Hofstadter: How teeny-tiny?
Howard Wolowitz: It's gonna fail after about ten flushes.
Sheldon Cooper: But the mission is for six months.
Howard Wolowitz: Yeah, see, that's the code red! It's kind of like a jack in the box. No one knows exactly when, but at some point, something way worse than a puppet is gonna pop out of that box.
Sheldon Cooper: Have you notified NASA?
Howard Wolowitz: No! You crazy? What am I gonna say, "I screwed up your toilet and pretty soon there's gonna be crap floating all over your nice shiny space station"?
Leonard Hofstadter: What are you gonna do?
Howard Wolowitz: I'm gonna figure out how to fix it, then I'll tell them.
Leonard Hofstadter: So what do you need us for?
Rajesh Koothrappali: He can't figure out how to fix it.
Howard Wolowitz: Hey, you said you were gonna be supportive.
Rajesh Koothrappali: I'm trying. But you have to admit, this is pretty damn funny!
Sheldon Cooper: I think you're overestimating the tensile strength of the substructure you're building.
Howard Wolowitz: Sheldon, I know what I'm doing.
Sheldon Cooper: If you knew what you were doing, there wouldn't be a space toilet where my coffee table should be.
Rajesh Koothrappali: Howard, wait. Why don't you use this instead of the PVC to keep the transverse filter assembly in place?
Howard Wolowitz: Because this is not a spare part from the space station. This is the thing from the pizza box that keeps the lid from touching the cheese.
Rajesh Koothrappali: Is that what that's for? In India, the lid just touches the cheese.
[turning to Sheldon]
Rajesh Koothrappali: Of course, we also have rampant poverty and periodic outbreaks of cholera, so a little cardboard in our cheese is no biggie.
Howard Wolowitz: [on the phone with NASA] Yes, sir, I understand classified. We'll keep it all classified. No one has to know anything about this but you and me.
Penny: What's classified?
Leonard Hofstadter: Howard's space toilet. I'll tell you later.
Howard Wolowitz: [hanging up and sitting down to eat] Well, they've deployed our solution; let's just all hope it works.
Sheldon Cooper: I don't see why I have to worry. My career's not hanging in the balance.
[Sheldon smirks at Howard]
Sheldon Cooper: That was a joke. It's funny because it's true.
"The Big Bang Theory: The Friendship Algorithm (#2.13)" (2009)
Howard Wolowitz: Don't let him get to you. It's Kripke!Rajesh Koothrappali: Yeah, he's a ginormous knob.
Howard Wolowitz: That's why he eats by himself instead of sitting here at the cool table.
Rajesh Koothrappali: Fo' shizzle.
Sheldon Cooper: I believe I've isolated the algorithm for making friends.
Leonard Hofstadter: Sheldon, there is no algorithm for making friends.
Howard Wolowitz: Hear him out. If he's really onto something, we could open a booth at ComiCon; make a fortune.
Rajesh Koothrappali: I'm curious; in the 'How Well Do You Know Sheldon' section, what did you put for his favorite amino acid?
Leonard Hofstadter, Howard Wolowitz: Lysine.
Rajesh Koothrappali: Damn it! I had lysine and changed it!
[first lines]
Rajesh Koothrappali: Mmmm! Gentlemen, I put it to you: the worst tapioca pudding is better than the best pudding of any other flavor.
Sheldon Cooper: First off, that is axiomatically wrong because the best pudding is chocolate. Secondly, the organic structure of tapioca makes it a jiggling bowl of potential death. It is extracted from the plant...
Howard Wolowitz: - Hey, I'm thinking of growing a mustache.
Leonard Hofstadter: Oh, no kidding. A Fu Manchu, a handlebar, pencil?
Sheldon Cooper: It's extracted from the plant...
Howard Wolowitz: I'm not sure yet. You know, George Clooney has one now.
Rajesh Koothrappali: Really? I once saw him shopping at Ralphs. He was buying tequila.
Howard Wolowitz: Oh, you'd think a guy like that would have some kind of booze lackey.
[Sheldon's face and eyes are twitching]
Leonard Hofstadter: Alright, this is cruel. We better let him finish before his head explodes.
Howard Wolowitz: Alright, Sheldon, why is tapioca...
[at lightning speed]
Sheldon Cooper: Tapioca is extracted from the root of the plant Manihot esculenta. Due to a high concentration of cyanide it is poisonous in its raw form and lethal if prepared improperly.
[takes a drink]
Rajesh Koothrappali: Feel better now?
Sheldon Cooper: It is also indigenous to Brazil, as is the cocoa bean from which we get chocolate, the best pudding.
[to Leonard]
Sheldon Cooper: You promised you wouldn't do that anymore.
Sheldon Cooper: That's where I sit.
Barry Kripke: Ooh, you have a special spot. What kind of wacko are you?
Howard Wolowitz: How much time you got?
Howard Wolowitz: [after Kripke hits on Penny] Suddenly, I'm looking pretty good, huh?
[Howard makes a few minor changes to Sheldon's friendship flow chart]
Sheldon Cooper: A loop counter and an escape to the least objectionable activity. Howard, that's brilliant! I'm surprised you saw that.
Howard Wolowitz: [sarcastically, to Raj and Leonard] Gee, why can't Sheldon make friends?
[last lines]
[all three guys are looking upwards]
Howard Wolowitz: You got to give him credit for sticking with it.
Leonard Hofstadter: I didn't think he had it in him.
Rajesh Koothrappali: He almost made it to the top this time.
[camera pulls back to show Sheldon hanging in his harness, out cold]
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, good. You're just in time. I believe I've isolated the algorithm for making friends.
Leonard Hofstadter: Sheldon, there is no algorithm for making friends.
Howard Wolowitz: Hear him out. If he's really onto something, we could open a booth at Comic-Con, make a fortune.
Sheldon Cooper: You see, my initial approach with Kripke had the same deficiencies as those that plagued Stu the Cockatoo when he was new at the zoo.
Rajesh Koothrappali: Stu the Cockatoo?
Leonard Hofstadter: [sarcastic] Yes. He's new at the zoo.
"The Big Bang Theory: The Jerusalem Duality (#1.12)" (2008)
Leonard Hofstadter: The kid found a girl.Raj Koothrappali: Unbelievable.
Howard Wolowitz: Anybody saw how he did it?
Howard Wolowitz: Smart is the new sexy.
Leonard: Then why do we go home alone every night? We're still smart.
Rajesh Koothrapali: Maybe we're too smart... so smart it's off-putting.
Howard Wolowitz: Yeah, let's go with that.
Sheldon Cooper: Today I went from being Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart to... you know, that other guy.
Howard Wolowitz: Antonio Salieri?
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, God! Now even you're smarter than me
Howard Wolowitz: You know, Sheldon, you don't have so many friends that you can afford to start insulting them.
Penny: I don't get it. How did Sheldon get friends in the first place?
Howard Wolowitz: We liked Leonard.
Howard Wolowitz: Sheldon, I have a diploma in my office that says I have a masters degree in engineering.
Sheldon Cooper: You also have a note from your mother that says "I love you, Bubbleh", but neither is a convincing argument for titanium over nanotubes.
Howard Wolowitz: Sheldon.
Sheldon Cooper: Yes?
Howard Wolowitz: Go away!
Sheldon Cooper: Did Leonard tell you to say that?
Howard Wolowitz: No, I thought of it all by myself.
Sheldon Cooper: It can't be a coincidence. There must be a causal link I'm missing.
Leonard Hofstadter: Okay, so we now have a socially-awkward genius in a room full of attractive, age-appropriate women.
Howard Wolowitz: All he has to do now is hook up with one of them.
Leonard Hofstadter: Anyone else see the flaw in this plan?
Raj Koothrappali: We need a social catalyst.
Leonard Hofstadter: Like what? We can't get 15-year-old girls drunk.
Howard Wolowitz: Or can we...?
Leonard Hofstadter: No, we can't!
Howard Wolowitz: Unbelievable. Components I built are on the International Space Station and I get a ticket for launching a model rocket in the park.
Leonard Hofstadter: I don't know if the ticket was so much for the launch as it was for you telling the policewoman: "You have to frisk me. I have another rocket in my pants."
Penny: Oh, hey guys, what's up?
Howard Wolowitz: We need a hot fifteen year-old Asian girl with a thing for smart guys.
Penny: What?
Leonard Hofstadter: Howard, that's racist, any fifteen year-old girl will do the trick.
[Penny slams door]
Raj Koothrappali: It's possible she may have misunderstood us.
"The Big Bang Theory: The Wiggly Finger Catalyst (#5.4)" (2011)
Raj Koothrappali: [to Emily] Hi.Howard Wolowitz: [as Emily signs] She says it's nice to meet you.
Raj Koothrappali: Does she really mean that or did she sign that sarcastically?
Raj Koothrappali: Tell her I have a deep, sexy voice, like James Earl Jones.
Howard Wolowitz: She... she doesn't know how James Earl Jones sounds like!
Raj Koothrappali: Great. Then she won't know I'm lying.
Howard Wolowitz: She asks if you play any instrument.
Raj Koothrappali: No, but when I was six years old, I tried to start a boyband called Frankie Goes to Bollywood.
Penny: [to Emily] Can we talk to you about Raj?
Howard Wolowitz: She says: "Sure, what about him?"
Penny: Raj is naive. He hasn't dated a whole lot of women...
[Howard stops signing here, as he gets distracted by two beautiful women at the reception desk behind them]
Penny: ... and I'm concerned that, without meaning to, you might be taking advantage of him, by letting him buy lots of expensive things and I...
[realizing that Howard isn't signing anymore]
Penny: Howard! Focus. Tell her what I'm saying.
Howard Wolowitz: Right!
[signing]
Howard Wolowitz: Are you a gold digger or not?
[Penny looks at him, disgusted by him. Emily gets infuriated, and starts to sign with rage]
Howard Wolowitz: Oh, uh... something, something... Who the something do you think you are? Mind your own something business and go something yourself!
[Emily leaves, and Penny looks at him in shock]
Howard Wolowitz: Oh, I get this now...
Sheldon Cooper: The entrance to the dungeon is a moss covered door. You manage to open it only to find yourself face to face with a hideous, foul-smelling, moss-covered ogre. What do you do?
Howard Wolowitz: I say, "Hey, Ma! What's for dinner?"
Sheldon Cooper: [Sheldon rolls dice] Seventeen. The ogre is amused by your joke and allows you to pass. And by the by, I liked it too.
Howard Wolowitz: Really? On Dungeons and Dragons I enter a dungeon and find a dragon? Isn't that a little on the nose?
Sheldon Cooper: When you play Chutes and Ladders, do you complain about all the chutes and ladders?
Penny: Mustache is looking good there, Sheldon.
Sheldon Cooper: Don't thank me, thank the dice. They told me what percentage of my face to shave.
Howard Wolowitz: Why are you still doing this?
Sheldon Cooper: Because it's working. In the past few weeks, unburdened by trivial decisions, I have co-authored two papers in notable peer review journals, and I'm close to figuring out why the Large Hadron Collider has yet to isolate the Higgs boson particle.
Leonard Hofstadter: You forgot to mention got chafed testicles because you no longer wear underpants.
Sheldon Cooper: The dice giveth and the dice taketh away.
Penny: [sees Howard ogling at a woman in a gym] Really, Howard? You're engaged to my friend.
Howard Wolowitz: Hey, Bernadette doesn't need to know how I rev up my engine so long as I park the car in the right garage.
Penny: I can't believe you're engaged to my friend.
Penny: [whispering] Oh, here she comes!
Howard Wolowitz: Smart. Whisper, so the deaf chick can't hear you.
"The Big Bang Theory: The Hofstadter Isotope (#2.20)" (2009)
[Sheldon and Howard grab the same comic book]Howard Wolowitz: Let it go, Sheldon.
Sheldon Cooper: Why should I let it go, I saw it first?
Howard Wolowitz: Yes, but I saw it from the front.
Sheldon Cooper: A far less impressive feat.
Howard Wolowitz: [sitting in the bar] I'm not sitting here with a guy drinking a grasshopper with a little umbrella.
Rajesh Koothrappali: Fine. I'll have a Chocolate martini.
Howard Wolowitz: Wrong, again.
Rajesh Koothrappali: Come on, you know I can't talk to women unless I'm lit up like the Hindu festival of Devali.
Howard Wolowitz: Look, there are plenty of bars in Los Angeles where you can order grasshoppers and chocolate martinis but you wouldn't have to because there are no women in them.
Rajesh Koothrappali: Gotcha. I'll have a Brandy Alexander.
[first lines]
[Sheldon moans]
Leonard Hofstadter: Problem?
Sheldon Cooper: This is Thai food.
Howard Wolowitz: Here we go.
Sheldon Cooper: We don't have Thai food on Thursday, we have pizza on Thursday.
Leonard Hofstadter: Yes, but we all agreed that the third Thursday of every month would be anything-can-happen Thursday.
Sheldon Cooper: Well, apparently the news didn't reach my digestive system, which, when startled, has its own version of anything-can-happen Thursday.
Howard Wolowitz: [introducing Leonard to a bar] First we let the lawyers and the jocks thin the herd, and then we go after the weak, the old and the lame.
Leonard: Come on, Howard, the odds of us picking up girls in a bar are practically zero.
Howard Wolowitz: Really? Are you familiar with the Drake Equation?
Sheldon: The one that estimates the odds of making contact with extraterrestrials by calculating the product of an increasingly restrictive series of fractional values such as those stars with planets, and those planets likely to develop life? N equals R times FP times NE times FL times FI times FC times L?
Howard Wolowitz: Yeah, that one.
Howard Wolowitz: I'm a horny engineer, Leonard. I never joke about math or sex.
Howard Wolowitz: In bars all across this great nation of ours Thursday night is Ladies' Night, which means as the evening progresses we will get better looking courtesy of ninety-nine cent margaritas and two-for-one Jello shots.
Howard Wolowitz: I'm a falcon who hunts better solo.
Leonard Hofstadter: Fine. I'll sit here; you take flight and hunt.
Howard Wolowitz: Don't be ridiculous; you can't just tell a falcon when to hunt.
Leonard Hofstadter: Actually you *can*! There's a whole sport built around it. Falconry.
[last lines]
Howard Wolowitz: [Raj is making out with a large lady] Lucky bastard. It's gotta be that stupid accent of his.
[to a lady in an Indian accent]
Howard Wolowitz: Hello, I'm Sumjay Wolowitz from Bombay.
[she walks away]
Howard Wolowitz: OK, I'm stumped.
"The Big Bang Theory: The Terminator Decoupling (#2.17)" (2009)
Howard Wolowitz: Do you believe him? Normally around women he has the personality of a boiled potato. Put one beer in him, and he's M. Night Charmalarmalan.Howard Wolowitz: It's hot in here. Must be Summer.
Sheldon Cooper: I'm confused. I thought you were involved in some sort of socially intimate pairing with Leslie Winkle.
Howard Wolowitz: Sheldon, let me explain to you how this works.
Sheldon Cooper: All right.
Howard Wolowitz: That's Summer Glau.
Sheldon Cooper: Yes.
Howard Wolowitz: That's it.
Howard Wolowitz: Hi. I'm the small package good things come in.
[first lines]
Howard Wolowitz: Okay, Raj, hand me the number six Torx screwdriver.
Sheldon Cooper: Stop! We can't do this; it's not right.
Rajesh Koothrappali: Sheldon, you have two choices; either you let him put a bigger hard drive in the TiVo, or you delete stuff before we go out of town.
Sheldon Cooper: But once you open the box, you've voided the warranty. The warranty is a sacred covenant we've entered into with the manufacturer; he offers to stand by his equipment, and we in return agree not to violate the integrity of the internal hardware. This little orange sticker is all that stands between us and anarchy.
Leonard Hofstadter: Okay, then we won't touch the hard drive; we'll just erase the first season of 'Battlestar'.
Sheldon Cooper: [Tears off orange seal] There, we're outlaws.
Howard Wolowitz: Sheldon, I owe you an apology. Taking the train was a stroke of brilliance; I've actually got a shot at a Terminator.
Rajesh Koothrappali: Oh, please. When it comes to Terminators, you've got a better shot of scoring with Arnold Schwarzenegger.
Penny: Have a good flight.
Leonard Hofstadter: Yean, I wish.
Sheldon Cooper: We're not flying; we're taking the train.
Penny: Oh, cool.
Howard Wolowitz: Yeah, cool. Seven times as long as flying and costs almost twice as much.
Penny: Well then, why are you doing it?
Leonard Hofstadter: Well, we had a vote. Three of us voted for airplane; Sheldon voted for train; so, we're taking the train.
Sheldon Cooper: Of course, if SkyNet actually did exist in the future, a perfect way to infiltrate and destroy mankind would be to send Terminators back posing as actors who have played Terminators in popular films and television series, lulling us into a false sense of security, i.e., that's Summer Glau from The Sarah Connor Chronicles. No, Summer, don't kill me! I'm pro-robot! Ahh!
Leonard Hofstadter: At least he's off the train crap.
Sheldon Cooper: Whee!
Howard Wolowitz: Sheldon, I owe you an apology. Taking the train was a stroke of brilliance! I've actually got a shot at a Terminator.
Rajesh Koothrappali: Oh, please.When it comes to Terminators, you've got a better shot of scoring with Arnold Schwarzenegger.
Howard Wolowitz: You're overlooking something. I have 11 hours with her in a confined space. Unless she's willing to jump off a moving train, tuck and roll down the side of a hill, she will eventually succumb to the acquired taste that is Howard Wolowitz.
Leonard Hofstadter: My money's on tuck and roll.
"The Big Bang Theory: The Lunar Excitation (#3.23)" (2010)
Raj Koothrappali: Uh oh. She wants to meet us.Howard Wolowitz: Not us. Him!
Raj Koothrappali: Yes, but, him doesn't even know about her.
Howard Wolowitz: Well um, him about to find out about her.
Raj Koothrappali: Really? Us gonna tell him?
[first lines]
Leonard Hofstadter: OK, we've got power to the laser.
Sheldon Cooper: I should have brought an umbrella.
Leonard Hofstadter: What for? It's not going to rain.
Sheldon Cooper: I know that, but with skin as fair as mine, moonburn is a real possibility.
Howard Wolowitz: That's a bazinga, right?
Sheldon Cooper: One of my best, don't you think?
Leonard Hofstadter: She didn't dump me. We were just in different places in the relationship.
Sheldon Cooper: I fail to see how a relationship can have the qualities of a geographic location.
Howard Wolowitz: Well, it's very simple. Leonard was living in a little town called Please Don't Leave Me, while Penny had just moved to the island of Buh-Bye.
[last lines]
Sheldon Cooper: In a few minutes when I gloat over the failure of this enterprise, how would you prefer I do it? The standard "I told you so" with the classic neener-neener, or just my normal look of haughty derision?
[makes a face]
Raj Koothrappali: You don't know we're wrong yet.
Sheldon Cooper: Haughty derision it is.
[makes the same face again]
Amy Farrah Fowler: Excuse me. I'm Amy Farrah Fowler, you're Sheldon Cooper.
Sheldon Cooper: Hello, Amy Farrah Fowler. I'm sorry to inform you that you have been taken in by unsupportable mathematics designed to prey on the gullible and the lonely. Additionally, I'm being blackmailed with a hidden dirty sock.
Amy Farrah Fowler: If that was slang, I'm unfamiliar with it. If it was literal, I share your aversion to soiled hosiery. In any case, I'm here because my mother and I have agreed that I will date at least once a year.
Sheldon Cooper: Interesting. My mother and I have the same agreement about church.
Amy Farrah Fowler: I don't object to the concept of a deity, but I'm baffled by the notion of one that takes attendance.
Sheldon Cooper: Well then, you might want to avoid East Texas.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Noted. Now before this goes any further, you should know that all forms of physical contact, up to and including coitus, are off the table.
Sheldon Cooper: May I buy you a beverage?
Amy Farrah Fowler: Tepid water, please.
[Sheldon and Amy walk over to the counter]
Howard Wolowitz: [to Raj] Good God, what have we done?
Raj Koothrappali: Holy crap!
Howard Wolowitz: What?
Raj Koothrappali: We finally have proof that aliens walk among us!
Howard Wolowitz: Excuse me?
Raj Koothrappali: The dating site matched a woman with *Sheldon*.
Howard Wolowitz: You're kidding, an actual woman?
Raj Koothrappali: Yeah, look... breasts and everything.
Howard Wolowitz: Trust me, breasts doesn't necessarily mean woman.
Raj Koothrappali: Since when?
Howard Wolowitz: I'll show you a picture of my Uncle Louie in a bathing suit sometime.
[shudders]
Howard Wolowitz: Leonard, you gotta see this! We found a match for Sheldon!
Leonard Hofstadter: Great. Maybe she can have sex with him and then walk out on him the next morning without so much as a "How do you dooo?"
Raj Koothrappali: Do you know what he's talking about?
Howard Wolowitz: Nope. Why don't you ask him?
Raj Koothrappali: Leonard, what are you talking about?
Leonard Hofstadter: I don't wanna talk about it.
Raj Koothrappali: That was a lousy suggestion.
Howard Wolowitz: Whatever.
[grabs the laptop from Raj]
Howard Wolowitz: Right now, Doctor Sheldon Cooper has to send an email to his perfect match.
[starts typing]
Howard Wolowitz: "Greetings fellow life form..."
Sheldon Cooper: But for the record, I only drink hot chocolate in months with an R in them.
Howard Wolowitz: Why?
Sheldon Cooper: What's life without whimsy.
Raj Koothrappali: I'm telling you, dude, the only way to feel better about Penny going out with other guys is for you to get back on the whores.
Howard Wolowitz: Horse.
Raj Koothrappali: What?
Howard Wolowitz: The phrase is get back on the horse. Not 'whores'.
Raj Koothrappali: That's disgusting, dude.
Howard Wolowitz: No, it's not... de, uh, never mind.
Howard Wolowitz: Billions of dollars have gone into inventing the Internet and filling it with pictures of naked women so we don't have to peep through windows.
"The Big Bang Theory: The Fuzzy Boots Corollary (#1.3)" (2007)
Leonard: I didn't like the look of the guy that she was with.Wolowitz: Because he looks better than you?
Leonard: Yeah. He was kind of dreamy.
Sheldon: Well, at least now you can retrieve the black box from the twisted smoldering wreckage that was once your fantasy of dating her and analyze the data so that you don't crash into geek mountain again.
Wolowitz: So, how did it go with Leslie?
Leonard: We tried kissing but the earth didn't move. I mean any more than the 383 miles it was gonna move anyway.
Wolowitz: Love is not a sprint, it's a marathon. A relentless pursuit that only ends when she falls into your arms. Or hits you with the pepper spray...
Wolowitz: Sheldon, if you were a robot, and I knew and you didn't, would you want me to tell you?
Sheldon: That depends. When I learn that I'm a robot, will I be able to handle it?
Wolowitz: Maybe, although the history of science fiction is not on your side.
Sheldon: Uh, let me ask you this: when I learn that I'm a robot, would I be bound by Asimov's Three Laws of Robotics?
Koothrappali: You might be bound by them right now.
Wolowitz: That's true. Have you ever harmed a human being, or, through inaction, allowed a human being to come to harm?
Sheldon: Of course not.
Koothrappali: Have you ever harmed yourself or allowed yourself to be harmed except in cases where a human being would've been endangered?
Sheldon: Well, no.
Wolowitz: I smell robot.
Wolowitz: There are pitfalls, trust me, I know. When it comes to sexual harassment law I'm bit of a self taught expert.
Leonard: Look Howard if I were to ask Leslie Winkle out it would just be for dinner. I'm not gonna walk into the lab, ask her to strip naked and dance for me.
Wolowitz: Oh, then you're probably OK.
Sheldon: I'm all sweaty. Anybody want to log on to Second Life? I just had a swimming pool built.
Wolowitz: No, thank you. I can't stand to look at you or your avatar right now.
Howard Wolowitz: [Leonard, Sheldon, Howard & Raj are on their laptops playing an online role playing game] All right, just a few more feet and...
[pause]
Howard Wolowitz: Here we are gentlemen, the Gates Of Elzebub.
Sheldon: Good lord!
Leonard: Don't panic, this is what the last 97 hours have been about.
Howard Wolowitz: Stay frosty. There's a horde of armed goblins on the other side of that gate guarding the Sword Of Azeroth.
Leonard: Warriors, unsheathe your weapons. Magic wielders, raise your wands.
Sheldon: Lock and load.
Howard Wolowitz: Raj, blow the gates.
Raj Koothrappali: Blowing the gates.
[pressing keys]
Raj Koothrappali: Control, shift, B.
[sound of the gates blowing]
Raj Koothrappali: Oh my God, so many goblins!
Howard Wolowitz: Don't just stand there, slash and move! Slash and move!
Leonard: Stay in formation!
Howard Wolowitz: Leonard, you've got one on your tail!
Leonard: That's all right, my tail's prehensile, I'll swat him off!
Raj Koothrappali: I got him Leonard. Tonight, I spice my meat with goblin blood!
Leonard: Raj, no, it's a trap! Thay're flanking us!
Raj Koothrappali: [in a wimpy tone] Oh, he's got me.
Howard Wolowitz: Sheldon, he's got Raj, use your sleep spell! Sheldon!
[changes to an annoyed whisper]
Howard Wolowitz: Sheldon!
Sheldon: I've got the Sword Of Azeroth!
Leonard: Forget the sword Sheldon, help Raj.
Sheldon: There is no more Sheldon! I am the sword master!
Howard Wolowitz: Leonard look out!
Leonard: Damn it man, we're dying here!
Sheldon: Goodbye peasents.
Leonard: The bastard teleported.
Raj Koothrappali: [looks at Sheldon's screen] He's selling the sword of Azeroth on eBay.
Leonard: You betrayed us for money? Who are you?
Leonard: I'm fine. Penny's fine. The guy she's kissing is really fine.
Wolowitz: Kissing? What kind of kissing? Cheeks? Lips? Chase? French?
Leonard: What is wrong with you?
Wolowitz: I'm a romantic!
"The Big Bang Theory: The Countdown Reflection (#5.24)" (2012)
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Oh, Howie! A little star. It's beautiful! Put it on me.Howard Wolowitz: Okay. But I'm gonna have to get it back from you, so I can take it to the International Space Station. That way, when I come home, you will have a star that was actually in space.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: My God!
Howard Wolowitz: Take that, every guy who's ever bought you anything!
Howard Wolowitz: [as the rocket gets ready for lift-off] I changed my mind, I don't wanna do this.
Howard Wolowitz: We have the where and the when, but we still need to figure out who's going to do the ceremony.
Penny: That's easy. Anyone can go online and get ordained as a minister. I know a piercing parlor where for a hundred bucks they'll marry you and stick a wedding ring through any body part you want.
Howard Wolowitz: Great. Well, who's it gonna be?
Sheldon Cooper: I'll do it. Provided I can perform the ceremony in Klingon.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: No.
Sheldon Cooper: What do you see in her?
Raj Koothrappali: Howard and Bernadette, the five of us stand before you as your friends and newly ordained ministers.
Mrs. Wolowitz: LOUDER!
Bernadette Rostenkowski: They all got ordained. They're all marrying us. It's adorable. If you want to hear it, come closer.
Raj Koothrappali: Guys. When I look at the two of you starting your lives together it fills... my heart... it fills my heart. Forget it, I need a minute.
Penny: Okay, I'll, I'll go. Howard and Bernadette. I know you two planned on getting married in a big fancy wedding, but when you're in love in doesn't matter where or how these things happen. It just matters that you have each other.
Leonard Hofstadter: Hmm.
Penny: Problem?
Leonard Hofstadter: No.
Sheldon Cooper: I think the Revered Hofstader is making an ironic connection between your statement about love and your rejection of his proposal in the bedroom.
Penny: Oh, grow up.
Leonard Hofstadter: I didn't say it.
Amy Farrah Fowler: That's enough from the both of you.
Penny: Well, he started it.
Leonard Hofstadter: Well, I'm ending it. Bernadette, I want to thank you for allowing me to be your maid of honor. I also want you to know that I will be happy to do it again if this marriage craps out.
Leonard Hofstadter: Thank you, Amy. Very touching. Howard and Bernadette. You are lucky enough to be best friends who love each other and that's the strongest kind of love because at its core it has kindness, patience, and respect. Qualities that are hard to find in people these days.
Sheldon Cooper: Would you like some aloe vera? You just got burned. All right, my turn. Howard. Bernadette.
[Klingon]
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Sheldon! I told you no Klingon!
Sheldon Cooper: Fine, I'll do it in English. But it loses something. The need to find another human being has to share one's life with has always puzzled me. Maybe because I am so interesting all by myself. With that being said, may *you* find as much happiness with each other as I find on my own. The Klingon would have made you cry.
Raj Koothrappali: I believe you two have prepared vows.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Howard Joel Wolowitz, like you this is going to be short and sweet. I love you with all my heart and soul and promise to be with you forever.
Howard Wolowitz: Bernadette Maryann Rostenkowski.
Mrs. Wolowitz: SPEAK UP!
Sheldon Cooper: From now on she's the only woman whho can yell at me! Until I met you I couldn't imagine spending my life with just one person. And now, I can't imagine spending one day of it without you.
Raj Koothrappali, Penny, Leonard Hofstadter, Sheldon Cooper, Amy Farrah Fowler: By the power vested in us by the state of California...
[Sheldon only]
Raj Koothrappali, Penny, Leonard Hofstadter, Sheldon Cooper, Amy Farrah Fowler: and the Klingon High Council... we now pronounce you husband and wife.
Howard Wolowitz: There's fuel leaking and we're still gonna go?
Michael J. Massimino: Don't lose your fruit loops, Fruit Loops.
Dimitri: This happens a lot. 9 times out of 10, no problem.
Howard Wolowitz: What happens on the 10th time?
Dimitri: Problem.
Michael J. Massimino: OK, we're in the final countdown. How you doing over there?
Howard Wolowitz: Good, good. A quick question; I missed it in the briefing. How much urine do these suits hold?
Raj Koothrappali: I know how to make it special.
Howard Wolowitz: I told you we are not re-creating the wedding from 'The Sound of Music'.
Raj Koothrappali: Yes, you made that brutally clear to me. What I was going to suggest is that if you're willing to wait until Sunday morning, the Google satellite will be over Pasadena. You can have your wedding photographed from space.
Howard Wolowitz: Close your eyes, put out your hand. I got you something special.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Come on, Howard. I'm not falling for that again.
"The Big Bang Theory: The Cornhusker Vortex (#3.6)" (2009)
Howard Wolowitz: Sheldon knows football?Leonard Hofstadter: Apparently.
Howard Wolowitz: I mean Quidditch, sure. But football?
Leonard Hofstadter: Sheldon, how do you know this stuff?
Sheldon Cooper: I grew up in Texas. Football is ubiquitous in Texas. Pro football, college football, high school football, Pee-Wee football; in fact, every form of football except the original: European football, which most Texans believe to be a commie plot.
Leonard Hofstadter: Unbelievable.
Sheldon Cooper: If you're interested, I also know all about frying meat that isn't chicken as if it were chicken.
Leonard Hofstadter: So you could teach me?
Sheldon Cooper: Football or chicken fried meats?
Leonard Hofstadter: Football! I'm going to Penny's on Saturday to watch a game with her friends, and I don't want to look like an idiot. I want to blend in.
Sheldon Cooper: If you want to blend in with Penny's friends, I think looking like an idiot would be the perfect camouflage.
Howard Wolowitz: [Howard and Raj are arguing] At least I can talk to women without being drunk!
Rajesh Koothrappali: Excuse me, I have selective mutism, a recognized medical disorder. You're just a douche!
Howard Wolowitz: I would've caught up to her if I hadn't pulled a hammy.
Rajesh Koothrappali: Oh, please. You weigh 80 pounds. You don't have a hammy.
Howard Wolowitz: I brought you a little gift. New kite!
Rajesh Koothrappali: [scoffs] The kite you made me lose was an authentic Patang. An Indian fighting kite that my brother sent to me from New Delhi. It took me a day to put together and two days to paint. This is Hello Kitty.
Howard Wolowitz: Yeah, but it comes with a little coin purse. Does a Patang?
[first lines]
Howard Wolowitz, Leonard Hofstadter, Rajesh Koothrappali: Kites ho! Kites ho! Kites ho!
Sheldon Cooper: Excuse me. You're misusing the word "ho". It's an interjection used to call attention to a destination, not an object. As in, uh, "land ho!" or, uh, "westward ho!"
Howard Wolowitz, Leonard Hofstadter, Rajesh Koothrappali: [after a beat] Kites ho!
Howard Wolowitz: [about a girl he thought smiled at him] I totally had a shot!
Rajesh Koothrappali: With a woman you were chasing through a park. That's not a shot; that's a felony.
Leonard Hofstadter: [watching football] What is this 'sacks' statistic they put up there?
Howard Wolowitz: All I know about Sax is my mother shops there.
"The Big Bang Theory: The Hawking Excitation (#5.21)" (2012)
Raj Koothrappali: Oh boy, well, Sheldon's going to freak out!Leonard Hofstadter: Yeah, he worships Hawking.
Howard Wolowitz: I was actually thinking of bringing him along when I go over there so he can meet the great man.
Raj Koothrappali: It's really nice of you, Howard.
Howard Wolowitz: It's no big deal.
Leonard Hofstadter: Boy, a restraining order from Stephen Hawking. It'll look so nice next to the ones he's already got from Leonard Nimoy, Carl Sagan, and Stan Lee.
Sheldon Cooper: Leonard, do you recall when I said that I was going to revolutionize humanity's understanding of the Higgs boson particle and you said "Sheldon, it's 2 a.m., get out of my bedroom!"?
Leonard Hofstadter: Like it was 10 hours ago. What about it?
Sheldon Cooper: Well, I believe I've done it. Now, I'm only saying "believe" to sound modest, because Sweet-Sam-Houston, I did it.
Leonard Hofstadter: Really?
Raj Koothrappali: That's incredible! Oh, here! Breakout the math.
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, okay, let me see this.
[Starts writing]
Sheldon Cooper: Alright! So, this particle here, is the boson, moving forward in time. Now, I was thinking...
[pauses]
Sheldon Cooper: Howard, you go ahead and eat. This isn't going to make any sense to you.
Howard Wolowitz: Sheldon, I have a working understanding of Physics.
Sheldon Cooper: Yeah, good for you! Don't stop working on it.
Raj Koothrappali: You still going to tell him about you-know-who?
Howard Wolowitz: Yep.
Leonard Hofstadter: Still going to introduce him?
Howard Wolowitz: Not on your life!
Sheldon Cooper: Alright! What would you like me to do first?
Howard Wolowitz: I thought I'd start you off by polishing my belt buckles.
Sheldon Cooper: Ooh, by all means. When I was a boy, I would polish my mee-maw's silver, then, she would entertain me with stories about growing up in Oklahoma. Interesting woman. You know, she once killed a prairie dog with a gravy boat.
Howard Wolowitz: That's nice.
[Pours out all his belt buckles from inside a container]
Sheldon Cooper: That's a lot of belt buckles.
Howard Wolowitz: Funny thing is, I only have one belt.
Howard Wolowitz: Sheldon, you're a condescending jerk; why on Earth would I want to do something nice for you?
Sheldon Cooper: Um, to go to Jewish heaven?
Howard Wolowitz: Jews don't have heaven.
Sheldon Cooper: Well, to avoid Jewish hell?
Howard Wolowitz: Have you met my mother? I live in Jewish hell!
[first lines]
Howard Wolowitz: So, I got the craziest e-mail this morning.
Raj Koothrappali: I don't mean to burst your bubble, dude, but those penile enlargement pills do not work.
Howard Wolowitz: Believe me, I know.
Leonard Hofstadter: A word of caution: I would not do your Steven Hawking impression in front of him.
Howard Wolowitz: [wiggling his lips to sound like Hawking] You're right. I suppose that could be considered offensive.
Howard Wolowitz: I'll give your paper to Professor Hawking.
Sheldon Cooper: Great. Thank you. Oh, that's terrific!
Howard Wolowitz: But... in exchange, I'd like you to do a few things for me.
Sheldon Cooper: What kinds of things?
Howard Wolowitz: Are you familiar with the 12 labors of Hercules?
Sheldon Cooper: Of course.
Howard Wolowitz: You should be so lucky.
Howard Wolowitz: All right, Sheldon, there's only one thing left I want you to do. Don't worry, it's an easy one.
Sheldon Cooper: Okay.
Howard Wolowitz: Give me a compliment.
Sheldon Cooper: Fine. You have very tiny hands.
Howard Wolowitz: No. About my job. I want you to tell me I'm good at what I do.
Sheldon Cooper: You're obviously good at what you do.
Howard Wolowitz: Then why are you always ripping on me?
Sheldon Cooper: Ah, I understand the confusion. Uh, I have never said that you are not good at what you do. It's just that what you do is not worth doing.
Leonard Hofstadter: It's nicer than anything he's ever said to me; I'd take it and run.
"The Big Bang Theory: The Contractual Obligation Implementation (#6.18)" (2013)
[first lines]Leonard Hofstadter: Look, I know you guys don't want to do this but we have no choice, so you can either bitch and whine, or we can just get it over with.
Howard Wolowitz: I got whine.
Sheldon Cooper: I got the 'b' word.
Leonard Hofstadter: Yeah, well, it's in our contract to serve on a university committee, and frankly this is one I believe in. Okay, here we go. 'Encouraging more women to pursue a career in the sciences.'
Howard Wolowitz: C'mon, if I was any good at convincing women to do stuff, I wouldn't have spent so much of my twenties in the shower.
Sheldon Cooper: I believe in a gender-blind society like in Star Trek, where women and men of all races and creeds worked side by side as equals.
Leonard Hofstadter: You mean where they were advanced enough to invent an inter-stellar warp drive but a black lady still answered the space phone?
Howard Wolowitz: Oh, I did spend a lot of my shower time with Lieutenant Uhura.
Sheldon Cooper: I suppose there is a history of professional women using their initials so as not to be prejudged: Harry Potter's J.K. Rowling... uh, Star Trek's D.C. Fontana...
Howard Wolowitz: Van Nuys pole dancer D.D. Melons.
Leonard Hofstadter: We're supposed to be encouraging women to study science. Can you at least play a less sexist game?
Sheldon Cooper: I don't see anything sexist. She can handle a battleaxe as well as any man.
Howard Wolowitz: And she has mammary glands that can breast feed a family of thirty and have enough milk left over to open a Baskin-Robbins.
Sheldon Cooper: Mother, warrior princess, small business owner, I see glass ceilings shattering all over the place.
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, hold on. While I'm comfortable speaking about science, I'm not sure I know how to spark the interest of school children. Better Google it.
Howard Wolowitz: What exactly are you looking up?
Sheldon Cooper: [Types] How do I get twelve-year-old girls excited?
Leonard Hofstadter, Howard Wolowitz: Nooo!
Leonard Hofstadter: Nice of your school to let us talk to girls about science.
Howard Wolowitz: Yeah. They're very excited to hear from their most famous student, except for the serial killer that ate all those prostitutes.
Sheldon Cooper: Must be exciting to come back to your alma mater as an astronaut.
Howard Wolowitz: I know. I left here a skinny nerd...
Leonard Hofstadter: And now you're also an astronaut.
Howard Wolowitz: Bernie, I'm home. Did you have fun today?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Yes, and I have a surprise for you.
Howard Wolowitz: Please be Cinderella. Please be Cinderella.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: [Appears dressed as Cinderella] Hello, my handsome prince.
Howard Wolowitz: Milady.
[Mimes riding a horse to her]
"The Big Bang Theory: The Bath Item Gift Hypothesis (#2.11)" (2008)
Penny: Hey Sheldon, are you and Leonard putting up a Christmas tress?Sheldon Cooper: No, because we don't celebrate the ancient pagan festival of Saturnalia.
Penny: Saturnalia?
Howard Wolowitz: Gather round, kids, it's time for Sheldon's beloved Christmas special.
Sheldon Cooper: In the pre-Christian era, as the winter solstice approached and the plants died, pagans brought evergreen boughs into their homes as an act of sympathetic magic, intended to guard the life essences of the plants until spring. This custom was later appropriated by Northern Europeans and eventually it becomes the so-called Christmas tree.
Howard Wolowitz: And that, Charlie Brown, is what boredom is all about.
Penny: [after the tale of Saturnalia] Okay, well, thank you for that, but I got you and Leonard a few silly neighbor gifts, so I'll just put them under my tree.
Sheldon Cooper: Wait! You bought me a present?
Penny: Uh-huh.
Sheldon Cooper: Why would you do such a thing?
Penny: I don't know. 'Cause its Christmas?
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, Penny. I know you think you are being generous, but the foundation of gift giving is reciprocity. You haven't given me a gift. You've given me an obligation.
Howard Wolowitz: Don't feel bad, Penny, it's a classic rookie mistake. My first Hanukah with Sheldon, he yelled at me for eight nights.
Penny: Now, hey, it's okay. You don't have to get me anything in return.
Sheldon Cooper: Of course I do. The essence of the custom is that I now have to go out and purchase for you a gift of commensurate value and representing the same perceived level of friendship as that represented by the gift you've given me. It's no wonder suicide rates skyrocket this time of year.
Penny: Okay, you know what? Forget it. I'm not giving you a present.
Sheldon Cooper: No, it's too late. I see it. That elf sticker says, "To Sheldon." The die has been cast. The moving finger has writ. Hannibal has crossed the alps.
Howard Wolowitz: [Raj then whispers into Howard's ear then they both laugh] I know. It's funny when it's not happening to us.
Penny: [Exasperated] Sheldon, I am very, very sorry.
Sheldon Cooper: No. No, I brought this on myself by being such an endearing and important part of your life.
[Turning to Howard and Raj]
Sheldon Cooper: I'm going to need a ride to the mall.
Howard Wolowitz: It's happening to us.
Howard Wolowitz: That doesn't count. Do-over, do-over!
Sheldon Cooper: There are no do-overs in Wii Bowling.
Howard Wolowitz: There are always do-overs when my people play sports.
Sheldon Cooper: I don't see anything in here a woman would want.
Howard Wolowitz: You're kidding! You've got lotions, and bath oils, and soaps. That's the estrogen hat trick!
Sheldon Cooper: What it is is a cacophonous assault of eucalyptus, bayberry, cinnamon and vanilla. It's as if my head were trapped in the pajamas of a sultan.
Sheldon Cooper: Excuse me, miss.
Charlotte: Yes?
Sheldon Cooper: If I were to give you this gift basket, based on that action alone and no other data, infer and describe the hypothetical relationship that exists between us.
Charlotte: Excuse me?
Sheldon Cooper: [Gives her the basket] Here. Now, are we friends? Colleagues? Lovers? Are you my grandmother?
Charlotte: I don't understand what you're talking about, and you're making me a little uncomfortable.
Howard Wolowitz: See? Sounds just like you and Penny. We'll take it.
[first lines]
Sheldon Cooper: Your argument is lacking in all scientific merit. Now, it is well established Superman cleans his by flying into Earth's yellow sun, which incinerates any contaminant matter and leaves the invulnerable kryptonian fabric unharmed and daisy-fresh.
Howard Wolowitz: What if he gets something kryptonian on it?
Sheldon Cooper: Like what?
Howard Wolowitz: I don't know. Kryptonian mustard.
Sheldon Cooper: I think we can safely assume all Kryptonian condiments were destroyed when the planet Krypton exploded.
Raj Koothrappali: Or it turned into mustard kryptonite, the only way to destroy a rogue kryponian hot dog threatening Earth.
Leonard Hofstadter: Raj, please. Let's stay serious here.
Howard Wolowitz: C'mon, bath stuff! It's perfect.
[picks up basket]
Howard Wolowitz: You got a scented candle, a cleansing burst, spearmint and green tea bath oil; promotes relaxation!
Sheldon Cooper: Well, that pre-supposes Penny is tense.
Raj Koothrappali: Oh, she knows you; she's tense. We all are.
"The Big Bang Theory: The Nerdvana Annihilation (#1.14)" (2008)
Sheldon Cooper: [Leonard has won a bid on a miniature time machine prop from the movie "The Time Machine"] I wonder why no one else bid. This is a classic piece of sci-fi movie memorabilia.Leonard Hofstadter: I know. But, I still can't afford it.
Howard Wolowitz: Why don't we share it? We'll each put in two hundred bucks and we'll take turns having it in our house.
Raj Koothrappali: A time share time machine. I'm in. Sheldon?
Sheldon Cooper: Wha-? Need you ask? I still don't understand why no one else bid.
Sheldon Cooper: [cut to the lobby of Leonard and Sheldon's apartment building; the prop is life-size] I understand why no one else bid.
Sheldon Cooper: [looking at the time machine prop in the apartment] I don't know what you were worried about. I think it really works in the room.
Leonard Hofstadter: Yeah. It is by far the coolest thing I have ever owned.
Sheldon Cooper: The exact time machine that carried actor Rod Taylor from Victorian England into the post-apocalyptic future, where society had splintered into two factions: the subterranean Morlocks, who survived by feasting on the flesh of the gentle surface-dwelling Eloi.
Howard Wolowitz: Talk about your chick magnets.
Raj Koothrappali: Oh, yeah. The guy who lives next to me is always like "I have a jacuzzi on my balcony. I have a jacuzzi on my balcony." But wait until I tell him I've got a time machine on my balcony. Stuff that in your Speedos, Jacuzzi Bob.
Sheldon Cooper: Gentlemen, I know we said we'd take turns but I think you'll agree that practicality dictates it remain here.
Howard Wolowitz: You can't just keep it here! What if I meet a girl and say "You wanna come up and see my time machine? It's at my friend's house." How lame is that?
Raj Koothrappali: He's got a point.
Sheldon Cooper: All right. I think we're going to need some ground rules. In addition to the expected "no shoes in the time machine" and "no eating in the time machine", I propose that we add "Pants must be worn at all times in the time machine."
Leonard Hofstadter: Seconded.
Howard Wolowitz: [sheepishly] I was gonna put down a towel.
Leonard Hofstadter: Anyone wanna buy my share of the time machine?
Raj Koothrappali: Why?
Leonard Hofstadter: 'Cause I don't want it anymore.
Howard Wolowitz: Why?
Leonard Hofstadter: Just personal reasons.
Sheldon Cooper: My Spidey sense tells me this has something to do with Penny.
Leonard Hofstadter: Look, do you wanna buy me out or not?
Raj Koothrappali: I'll give $100, which will make me half owner, and we'll put it on my balcony.
Howard Wolowitz: Screw his balcony. I'll give you $120 and we'll put it in my garage.
Leonard Hofstadter: I paid $200 for my share.
Raj Koothrappali: Dude, everybody knows a time machine loses half its value the minute you drive it off the lot.
Raj Koothrappali: [Leonard is planning to sell his comic book memorabilia] I call dibs on the "Golden Age Flash".
Howard Wolowitz: Hang on, I need that to complete my Justice Society of America collection.
Raj Koothrappali: Too bad, I called dibs.
Howard Wolowitz: You can't just call dibs.
Raj Koothrappali: I can and I did. Look up dibs on Wikipedia.
Leonard Hofstadter: [Sheldon, Raj, and Howard are arguing over who can give Leonard the best price for his collection] Forget it. Guys, if I sell to one of you, the other two are gonna be really mad at me.
Sheldon Cooper: Who cares, as long as you pick me?
Raj Koothrappali: Okay, Leonard, put down the box. Let's talk.
Leonard Hofstadter: Sorry, Raj, my mind is made up.
Sheldon Cooper: [blocking the stairwell] No. I can't let you do this.
Leonard Hofstadter: Sheldon, get out of my way.
Sheldon Cooper: [taking a plastic sword from Leonard's box] None shall pass.
Leonard Hofstadter: Okay. I did not want to do this, but I have here the rare, mint-condition production era "Star Trek: The Next Generation" Geordi La Forge without his VISOR, in the original packaging. If you do not get out my way... I will open it.
Howard Wolowitz: [nervously] Okay, man, be cool.
Penny: [hearing the commotion in the hallway] If this is about yesterday, Leonard, I am really sorry about what I said. I was just upset.
Leonard Hofstadter: No, I needed to hear it.
Penny: No, you didn't. Look, you are a great guy. And it is the things you love that make you who you are.
Howard Wolowitz: [sotto to Raj] I guess that makes me large breasts.
Raj Koothrappali: [the time machine prop Leonard bought is life-size] Did the listing actually say "miniature"?
Leonard Hofstadter: I just assumed. Well, who sells a full-sized time machine for $800?
Sheldon Cooper: In a Venn diagram, that would be an individual located within the intersection of the sets "No longer want my time machine" and "Need $800".
Howard Wolowitz: It's actually a tremendous bargain. Even with shipping, it works out to less than $4 a pound.
Raj Koothrappali: Cocktail shrimp are $12.50.
Leonard Hofstadter: How are we gonna get it upstairs?
Howard Wolowitz: If we take the dish off, it might fit in the elevator.
Leonard Hofstadter: Yes, but the elevator's been broken for two years.
Sheldon Cooper: I've been meaning to ask you: do you think we should make a call about that?
Howard Wolowitz: Not necessary. I have a master's in engineering. I remotely repair satellites on a regular basis. I troubleshoot space shuttle payloads.
[Howard walks over to the elevator]
Howard Wolowitz: When the Mars Rover started pulling to the left, I performed a front-end alignment from 62 million miles away.
[Howard presses the elevator call button, then puts his ear to the elevator doors]
Howard Wolowitz: [walking back to the group] No, that baby's broken.
"The Big Bang Theory: The Vacation Solution (#5.16)" (2012)
[first lines]Sheldon Cooper: Gentlemen, I think I've come up with a fun way to get young people interested in science. Physics Mad Libs. Now, give me a number.
Leonard Hofstadter: Five.
Sheldon Cooper: Un-huh. And an irrational constant.
Howard Wolowitz: E.
Sheldon Cooper: And a funny Greek letter.
Raj Koothrappali: Gamma.
Sheldon Cooper: I said funny.
Raj Koothrappali: Upsilon?
Sheldon Cooper: Good one! And an electrical charge.
Leonard Hofstadter: Positive.
Sheldon Cooper: Ha. Perfect. Get this.
[reads]
Sheldon Cooper: Professor Jones told the symposium he had a new method for calculating the mass of a muon. Five times the limit of
[laughs]
Sheldon Cooper: E to the upsilon as in a
[breaks up laughing]
Sheldon Cooper: Okay, no no, ahem. I'll start over. Professor Jo-
[breaks up laughing again]
Howard Wolowitz: I haven't seen him laugh that hard since the day Leonard made that multiplication error.
Sheldon Cooper: [laughing] Oh, oh lord, that multiplication error! He thought he carried the one, but he didn't!
Leonard Hofstadter: It's not funny. That mistake got published.
Sheldon Cooper: Stop! I'm going to wet myself!
President Siebert: So then I'll see you all on Monday. Except for you.
Sheldon Cooper: But if I don't come in to work, what am I supposed to do with myself?
President Siebert: Read, rest, travel. I hear Afghanistan is nice this time of year.
Sheldon Cooper: Sarcasm?
Howard Wolowitz: [sarcastically] No, you should go.
Penny: [to Sheldon and Howard at the bar] What are you guys doing here?
Howard Wolowitz: We're grown men. We drink at bars.
Penny: No, and no.
[last lines]
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Are you mad at me?
Howard Wolowitz: No. I'm not mad at you; I just wish you would have come to me so I didn't have to hear it through the nerd-vine.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: So, what are we going to do?
Howard Wolowitz: You really want me to sign a pre-nup?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: I don't know. My dad's pretty insistent on it though.
Howard Wolowitz: Why don't I talk to your dad? Man to man.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Really? Ah, that'd be so great
Howard Wolowitz: Done.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: I should probably give you a heads up about a couple things. Even though he's retired from the police force, he still carries his gun. But don't worry, he wont shoot it; it's more of a fashion statement.
Howard Wolowitz: Okay.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: And just to be safe, when you talk to him don't bring up Jimmy Carter, gardeners, foreign people, homosexuals, Sean Penn, Vatican II, gun control, organic food, the designated hitter rule, recycling or the fact that you're Jewish.
Howard Wolowitz: Got it, got it. Will you email me that list?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: So the thing to watch for: if he's shouting at you, you're okay, but if he starts to get real quiet leave as quickly as you can without making eye contact. Not in a straight line; throw some zigs and zags in there.
Howard Wolowitz: Y'know, th- this isn't that pressing. Why don't I talk to him about it in May?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: In May you're going to be on the International Space Station.
Howard Wolowitz: They got phones.
Leonard Hofstadter: Sheldon, everybody takes vacations.
Sheldon Cooper: One time, they tried to make Richard Feynman take a vacation, but he chose instead to expand his mind and learn something new. He went to work in his friend's biology lab.
Sheldon Cooper: [turns to Howard] Richard Feynman was a famous American physicist, part of the Manhattan project.
Howard Wolowitz: Everyone in the world of science knows who Richard Feynman was.
Sheldon Cooper: Now you do too.
Howard Wolowitz: President Siebert is headed this way.
Raj Koothrappali: I wonder what he wants.
Leonard Hofstadter: Well, he doesn't look happy, so I assume he wants to talk to Sheldon.
President Siebert: Dr. Cooper.
Leonard Hofstadter: Told ya.
"The Big Bang Theory: The Justice League Recombination (#4.11)" (2010)
Howard Wolowitz: [in gravelly voice] I'm Batman.Sheldon Cooper: Oh, I hardly think so. The real Caped Crusader calls his crime-fighting cohorts when he's running late.
Howard Wolowitz: I had to walk. I couldn't get Raj on the back of my scooter.
[Raj walks inside in his Aquaman costume with attached seahorse]
Raj Koothrappali: I've said this before and I'll say it again, Aquaman sucks.
Howard Wolowitz: Okay, the good news is, we have a Wonder Woman.
Sheldon Cooper: Oh.
Raj Koothrappali: Yes.
Sheldon Cooper: What's the bad news?
Howard Wolowitz: Superman probably isn't getting laid tonight.
Zack: [Looks down at his Superman costume] Aw, damn.
Zack: Look up in the sky. It's a bird. It's a plane.
[Zack jumps into Sheldon and Leonard's apartment in his Superman costume]
Zack: I forget the rest.
Penny: [Enters wearing a Wonder Woman costume with a low-cut top] All right. Let's get this thing over with.
Sheldon Cooper: I'm sorry. But in what universe is Wonder Woman blonde?
Howard Wolowitz: Relax. No one's gonna be looking at her hair.
[Penny punches Wolowitz in his shoulder]
Howard Wolowitz: Ow! I mean...
Howard Wolowitz: [in gravelly voice] Ow.
[first lines]
Raj Koothrappali: [playing a card] Water Demon.
Howard Wolowitz: [playing a card] Ice Dragon.
Leonard Hofstadter: [playing a card] Lesser Warlord of Ka'a.
Sheldon Cooper: Not so fast.
[playing a card]
Sheldon Cooper: Infinite Sheldon.
Leonard Hofstadter: Infinite Sheldon?
Sheldon Cooper: Yes. Infinite Sheldon, it beats all other cards - and does not violate the rule against homemade cards because I made it at work.
Leonard Hofstadter: You understand why people don't want to play with you?
Sheldon Cooper: No. Although it's a question I've been pondering since preschool.
Stuart: You guys finally chip in for a bodyguard?
Leonard Hofstadter: Uh, no. Oh, this is Zack; he's... a friend of ours. Zack, this is Stuart; he owns the store.
Zack: Wow! Lucky you.
Stuart: Yeah! I work seventy hours a week and average a dollar sixty-five an hour.
Zack: Sweet!
Stuart: Is that sarcasm?
Howard Wolowitz: Uh, no, it's an indictment of the American education system,
Howard Wolowitz: We can still make this work. Leonard, you talk to Penny.
Leonard Hofstadter: What makes you think *I* can convince her.
Howard Wolowitz: You got her to have sex with you; obviously your super-power is brainwashing.
Howard Wolowitz: Check it out; those guys are breaking into that car'
Leonard Hofstadter: What should we do?
Sheldon Cooper: We're the Justice League of America. There's only one thing we *can* do: turn around and slowly walk away.
"The Big Bang Theory: The Griffin Equivalency (#2.4)" (2008)
Gablehauser: [all in Raj's office when Dr. Gablehauser walks in] Hello, boys.Raj Koothrappali: Dr. Gablehauser
Gablehauser: Dr. Koothrappali
Leonard Hofstadter: Dr. Gablehauser
Gablehauser: Dr. Hofstadter
Sheldon Cooper: Dr. Gablehauser
Gablehauser: Dr. Cooper
Howard Wolowitz: Dr. Gablehauser
Gablehauser: Mr. Wolowitz
Leonard Hofstadter: [handing out Chinese take-out food] Let's see: Raj was the Kung Pao chicken...
Penny: I'm the dumplings.
Howard Wolowitz: Yes, you are.
Penny: Creepy, Howard.
Howard Wolowitz: Creepy good or creepy bad?
Leonard Hofstadter: Who was the shrimp with lobster sauce?
Howard Wolowitz: That would be me. Come to papa, you un-kosher delight. And I'm not necessarily talking to the food.
Penny: [pointing to a chair] Sit over there.
Sheldon Cooper: Baby wipe?
Penny: Why do you have those?
Leonard Hofstadter, Howard Wolowitz: No, no! Don't! Don't!
Sheldon Cooper: I'll tell you why. I had to sanitize my hands because the university replaced the paper towels in the rest rooms, with hot air blowers.
Penny: Oh I thought the blowers were more sanitary.
Leonard Hofstadter, Howard Wolowitz: Why? Please, don't!
Sheldon Cooper: Hot air blowers are incubators and spewers of bacteria and pestilence. Frankly, it'd be more hygienic if they just had a plague-infested gibbon sneeze my hands dry.
Sheldon Cooper: Look, I found my missing neutrino.
Howard Wolowitz: Oh, good. Now we can take his picture off the milk carton.
[Raj has been named one of People magazine's "30 Under 30 to Watch"]
Howard Wolowitz: Do I get an honorable mention for designing the telescope camera mounting bracket you used?
Raj Koothrappali: Sorry; it's not part of my heart-warming and personal narrative, in which a humble boy from New Delhi overcame poverty and prejudice and journeyed to America to reach for the stars.
Howard Wolowitz: Poverty? Your father's a gynecologist. He drives a Bentley.
Raj Koothrappali: It's a lease!
[Raj was named one of People magazine's "30 Under 30 to Watch"]
Leonard Hofstadter: We're going to go apologize to Raj and invite him out to dinner.
Sheldon Cooper: Apologize? For what?
Leonard Hofstadter: He came over last night with some pretty good news, and we weren't very supportive.
Sheldon Cooper: I sense you're trying to tell me something.
Howard Wolowitz: You were a colossal asshat.
Sheldon Cooper: Oh! No! I beg to differ. Of the three of us, I was by far the most supportive.
Leonard Hofstadter: Really. Do tell.
Sheldon Cooper: How will Raj ever reach true greatness if his friends lower the bar for him? When I was eleven, my sister bought our father a "World's Greatest Dad" coffee mug; and, frankly, the man coasted until the day he died.
Leonard Hofstadter: Okay, let's try it this way: what if this People magazine thing is the best Raj is ever going to achieve?
Sheldon Cooper: I had not considered that. I often forget other people have limitations. It's so sad.
Howard Wolowitz: He can feel sadness?
Leonard Hofstadter: Not really; it's what you and I would call condescension.
Leonard Hofstadter: If we do get a new friend he should be a guy you can trust. A guy who has your back.
Howard Wolowitz: And he should have a lot of money and live in a cool place down by the beach where we could throw parties.
Sheldon Cooper: He should share our love of technology.
Howard Wolowitz: And he should know a lot of women.
Leonard Hofstadter: Let's see: money, women, technology. Okay, we're agreed. Our new friend is going to be... Iron Man.
"The Big Bang Theory: The Work Song Nanocluster (#2.18)" (2009)
Penny: [about the website Leonard designed for Penny's business] It seems a little juvenile. It looks like the MySpace page of a thirteen year-old girl.Leonard Hofstadter: No it doesn't!
Howard Wolowitz: Dateline could use it to attract predators.
[Leonard, Howard, and Raj are playing "Secret Agent LASER Obstacle Chess"]
Howard Wolowitz: Hey! You know what would be a great idea? We get some girls over here and play LASER obstacle strip chess.
Leonard Hofstadter: Believe me, Howard, any girl who would be willing to play that you don't want to see naked.
Howard Wolowitz: You underestimate me.
Sheldon Cooper: Perhaps we could expand our market.
Penny: How are flower barrettes gonna appeal to men?
Howard Wolowitz: We add Bluetooth!
Sheldon Cooper: Brilliant! Men love Bluetooth!
Penny: Wait a minute. Wait a minute. You want to make a hair barrette with Bluetooth?
Sheldon Cooper: Penny - Everything is better with Bluetooth.
Sheldon Cooper: Before we set up a marketing and distribution infrastructure, we should finish optimizing the manufacturing process. To start with, she has a terrible problem with moisture-induced glitter clump.
Penny: Yeah, it's a bitch!
Howard Wolowitz: [Inspecting bottle of glitter] Ah, I've seen this before.
Penny: Where?
Howard Wolowitz: It's a common stripper problem: they dance, they sweat, they clump.
Penny: How the hell are we gonna make a thousand Penny Blossoms
[Penny's hair product]
Penny: in one day?... I'm gonna have to call them and cancel that order.
Sheldon Cooper: Excuse me, but was this not your goal? Financial independence through entrepreneurial brilliance and innovation? My brilliance and innovation, of course, but still.
Penny: I just don't see how we can pull this off.
Sheldon Cooper: That, right there! That equivocation and self-doubt. That is not the American spirit. Did Davy Crockett quit at the Alamo? Did Jim Bowie?
Howard Wolowitz: They didn't give up, they were massacred! By like a gazillion angry Mexicans!
Howard Wolowitz: Leonard died again, Sheldon. You're up.
Sheldon Cooper: Despite my deep love of chess, lasers, and aerosol disinfectant, I must forfeit.
Leonard Hofstadter: Why?
Sheldon Cooper: Because it's almost 11:00.
Leonard Hofstadter: So?
Sheldon Cooper: So Penny has a "don't knock on my door before 11:00 or I punch you in the throat" rule.
"The Big Bang Theory: The Friendship Contraction (#5.15)" (2012)
Raj Koothrappali: Dude, if you're going to be an astronaut, you need to pick a cool nickname.Howard Wolowitz: I don't get to pick it. The other guys have to give it to me.
Raj Koothrappali: If I had one, it would be Brown Dynamite.
Howard Wolowitz: Are you not listening to me? The other astronauts have to give you your nickname.
Raj Koothrappali: Are you not looking at me? I *am* Brown Dynamite!
Howard Wolowitz: Next week I fly to Houston for orientation and zero-gravity elimination drills.
Penny: What does that mean?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: He's going to learn to poop in space.
Howard Wolowitz: Open the pod bay doors, HAL.
Raj Koothrappali: Maybe your nickname should be Brown Dynamite.
Mrs. Wolowitz: Howard! Are you coming down for breakfast?
Howard Wolowitz: Ma, I told you I have a video conference with NASA! I said don't bother me!
Mrs. Wolowitz: Oh, listen to Mr. Big Shot Astronaut!
Howard Wolowitz: Yes, please listen to Mr. Big Shot Astronaut!
Mrs. Wolowitz: Howard! Your Froot Loops are getting soggy!
Howard Wolowitz: Not now!
Michael J. Massimino: What was that?
Howard Wolowitz: My mom. Sorry.
Michael J. Massimino: No problem... Froot Loops.
Raj Koothrappali: What about we make your astronaut nickname Howard "Buzz" Wolowitz.
Howard Wolowitz: You can't do Buzz. Buzz is taken.
Raj Koothrappali: Buzz Lightyear's not real.
Howard Wolowitz: No, that's not what I'm talking about.
Raj Koothrappali: Well, are you talking about when he thought he was real.
Howard Wolowitz: No.
Raj Koothrappali: Ok, um, oh, how about Crash? Howard "Crash" Wolowitz?
Howard Wolowitz: Yeah, terrific; the other astronauts would love to go hurtling through space with a man named Crash.
Michael J. Massimino: Hey, Howard. Thankd for getting so early.
Howard Wolowitz: No problem, Dr. Massimino.
Michael J. Massimino: The guys here call me Mass.
Howard Wolowitz: Mass. That's a cool nickname, because force equals mass times acceleration.
Michael J. Massimino: Yeah, it's just short for Massimino.
"The Big Bang Theory: The Closet Reconfiguration (#6.19)" (2013)
Howard Wolowitz: What are you guys doing here?Leonard Hofstadter: When you left you weren't sure whether or not you wanted to know what was in your Dad's letter so we came up with kind of a cool solution.
Howard Wolowitz: Oh yeah, what's that?
Sheldon Cooper: It's simple really. It occurred to me that knowing and not knowing can be achieved by creating a macroscopic example of quantum superposition. The principle that a physical system exists partially in all of its possible states at once.
Penny: We were all thinking it, really. Kind of the elephant in the room.
Sheldon Cooper: Anyway, um, I realized if we each present you with an account of what your father wrote to you, only one of which is true, and we don't tell you which one it is, you will be forever in a state of epistemic ambivalence.
Penny: Yeah. And he said if it wasn't epistemic, we might as well not even do it.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Sit down, honey.
Leonard Hofstadter: Raj, you're up.
Raj Koothrappali: It was a card for your eighteenth birthday. Inside it said: Happy Birthday Howard. I love you, Dad. Oh, and it was a Far Side card, The one where the frog had his tongue stuck to the underside of an airplane. Thinks it's a fly. Silly frog. So funny.
Leonard Hofstadter: Sheldon.
Sheldon Cooper: It was a map leading to the lost treasure of famous pirate One-eyed Willy.
Howard Wolowitz: That's fine. That's the plot for The Goonies.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Told you.
Sheldon Cooper: Don't.
[first lines]
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Wha'cha doing?
Howard Wolowitz: You said clean up. I'm cleaning up.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: You can't just throw everything in the closet.
Howard Wolowitz: Hey, you can tell me what to do, or you can tell me how to do it, but you can't do both; this isn't sex.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: What if someone looks in there?
Howard Wolowitz: They're just coming over for dinner. No-one's going to look in the closet.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: You don't know that. What if someone's looking for the bathroom and they open that door?
Howard Wolowitz: Could work out. For all we know, there's a toilet in there somewhere.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Fine, but after tonight we need to get a handle on this mess.
Howard Wolowitz: Y'know what we should do, we should show the closet to Sheldon.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Hm, why?
Howard Wolowitz: Are you kidding? He's like a savant at organizing. Did you know *everything* in his apartment has a label on it. Including his label-maker which has a label that says 'label-maker'. And, if you look really close at that label-maker label, you'll see a label that says 'label'.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Can't do that. We can't just ask him to straighten our closet.
Howard Wolowitz: No, we wouldn't *ask* him. We'd just show him the closet and let the goblins in his head take it from there.
Howard Wolowitz: [looking at old family photos] Check out nine-year-old Howie with cornrows. Neither race was happy to see me with those.
Leonard Hofstadter: Amy.
Amy Farrah Fowler: You didn't know it, but your father was in the auditorium at your high school graduation and he cried because he was so proud of you.
Howard Wolowitz: Really?
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, that's complete poppycock which Amy made that up and it could still be the map.
Leonard Hofstadter: Penny.
Penny: It was a letter explaining that your Dad wasn't who he said was. Eventually his other life caught up to him and the only way to keep you and your Mom safe was to leave.
Sheldon Cooper: I would like to change mine. The pirate's name was Peg Leg Antoine. Now it's completely different from Goonies.
Amy Farrah Fowler: No it's not.
Sheldon Cooper: Don't.
Leonard Hofstadter: OK, my turn. Your Dad wrote about how family is the most important thing and that you should never throw it away like he did.
Howard Wolowitz: Hm.
Leonard Hofstadter: Bernadette.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Inside the envelope was a picture of your Dad holding you the day you were born. On the back he wrote: Howard, my son, my greatest gift.
[Howard gets up and walks away]
Bernadette Rostenkowski: You okay?
Howard Wolowitz: Yeah. I'm terrific.
Sheldon Cooper: So? Which one do you think it is, matey?
Howard Wolowitz: Actually I don't want to know. I want all of them to be true.
Leonard Hofstadter: Well, one of them is.
Howard Wolowitz: That is pretty cool. Thank you, guys.
Sheldon Cooper: Howard, do you want your clothes arranged seasonally, or by color?
Howard Wolowitz: Color is fine.
Sheldon Cooper: That's all wrong. I'm doing it seasonally.
Howard Wolowitz: It's kind of ridiculous having to walk all those flights of stairs.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Try doing it in heels.
Howard Wolowitz: I am.
"The Big Bang Theory: The Hot Troll Deviation (#4.4)" (2010)
Howard Wolowitz: Now, where were we?Bernadette: I believe you were about to rip off my uniform with your teeth.
Howard Wolowitz: Bernadette? What are you doing here?
Bernadette: Well, if I had to guess I'd say I'm here because you saw me earlier this evening and you're still hung up on me.
Howard Wolowitz: No, I'm not.
Katee Sackhoff: Clearly you are. Otherwise, based on past experience, we'd be done by now.
Howard Wolowitz: Okay, I'm a little confused here.
George Takei: Oh my, can I help?
Howard Wolowitz: Not that kind of confused!
Bernadette: What's George Takei doing here?
Katee Sackhoff: Howard, do you have latent homosexual tendencies?
Howard Wolowitz: Of course not!
George Takei: So you say, yet here I am.
Raj Koothrappali: Why can't I buy my own desk?
Howard Wolowitz: Yeah, why can't he buy his own desk?
Sheldon Cooper: Because...
[long pause]
Raj Koothrappali: Because?
Sheldon Cooper: Because it's my office.
Howard Wolowitz: How am I gonna play this? Sophisticated and relaxed? Friendly, noncommittal? Cold and distant?
[Bernadette turns around. Howard dives under the table]
Bernadette: [as she walks by the table] Hi guys.
Leonard Hofstadter: Hey.
Sheldon Cooper: Hello.
[peers under the table]
Sheldon Cooper: I see you decided to go with pathetic and frightened.
Raj Koothrappali: It's one of his best moves.
Mrs. Wolowitz: [shouting] Howard! Have you seen my girdle?
Howard Wolowitz: [shouting] No, Ma!
Mrs. Wolowitz: [shouting] I can't find it, and I'm late for my Weight Watchers meeting!
Howard Wolowitz: [shouting] Maybe it committed suicide! Leave me alone!
Mrs. Wolowitz: [shouting] Howard! I found my girdle! It was in the dryer!
Howard Wolowitz: [shouting] Great, Ma!
Mrs. Wolowitz: [shouting] I think it shrunk! I'm spilling out like the Pillsbury Doughboy here!
[Howard is asking Penny for help to get back together with Bernadette, but Penny first wants to know why they broke up]
Howard Wolowitz: It's embarrassing.
Penny: Yeah, that's what I'm counting on. Spill.
"The Big Bang Theory: The Cooper-Hofstadter Polarization (#1.9)" (2008)
Sheldon Cooper: You know, in the future, when we're disembodied brains in jars, we're going to look back on this as eight hours well wasted.Raj Koothrappali: I don't want to be in a jar. I want my brain in an android body... eight feet tall and ripped.
Howard Wolowitz: I'm with you. I just have to make sure if I'm a synthetic human, I'd still be Jewish. I promised my mother.
Raj Koothrappali: I suppose you could have your android penis circumcised... but that's something your rabbi will have to discuss with the manufacturer.
Sheldon Cooper: Not to mention, you'd have to power down on Saturdays.
Penny: [as Sheldon and Leonard fight] Is this usually how these physics things go?
Howard Wolowitz: More often than you'd think.
Howard Wolowitz: I just checked the house, there must be twenty, twenty-five people in there.
Leonard Hofstadter: Wow.
Penny: Is that good?
Leonard Hofstadter: In physics, twenty-five is Woodstock.
Penny: Howard, would you like to explain to me why your Facebook page has a picture of me sleeping on your shoulder captioned "me and my girlfriend"?
Howard Wolowitz: Uh-oh, here comes "the talk".
Howard Wolowitz: Howard: Gentlemen, I am now about to send a signal from this laptop through our local ISP, racing down fibre-optic cable at the speed of light to San Francisco, bouncing off a satellite in geosynchronous orbit to Lisbon, Portugal, where the data packets will be handed off to submerged transatlantic cables terminating in Halifax, Nova-Scotia, and transferred across the continent via microwave relays back to our ISP and the X10 receiver attached to this
[clicks mouse, lamp switches on]
Howard Wolowitz: lamp.
[the others cheer and clap]
Howard Wolowitz: .
[after Leonard and Sheldon's brawl]
Raj Koothrappali: Someone caught the whole thing on their cell phone and put it on YouTube.
Leonard Hofstadter: What? Who would do something like that?
Howard Wolowitz: That would be me.
"The Big Bang Theory: The Codpiece Topology (#2.2)" (2008)
Sheldon Cooper: I'm sorry, I am not going back to the renaissance fair.Howard Wolowitz: Come on, Sheldon, there are so few places I can wear my jester costume.
Sheldon Cooper: I don't care. There are far too many historical anomalies for my comfort.
Rajesh Koothrappali: Oh, okay, how about this. You can go dressed as a Star Trek science officer exploring a planet very similar to Earth in the fifteen hundreds.
Sheldon Cooper: You mean like Spock?
Rajesh Koothrappali: [shrugs] Sure.
Sheldon Cooper: Fascinating.
Howard Wolowitz: Renaissance fairs aren't about historical accuracy. They're about taking chubby girls who work at Kinkos and lacing them up in corsets so tight their bosom jumps out and says "howdy".
Sheldon Cooper: Bosoms would not have said "howdy" in the Fifteenth Century. If anything, they would have said "Huzzah!"
Howard Wolowitz: I don't care what the bosoms say, Sheldon. I just want to be part of the conversation.
Howard Wolowitz: Penny with her new boyfriend. Tres awkward.
Leonard Hofstadter: It's not awkward. It's not fun...
Leonard Hofstadter: I'm glad Penny's dating. Now I can really let loose.
Howard Wolowitz: You were holding back?
Leonard Hofstadter: Out of courtesy, yes.
Rajesh Koothrappali: What about the ten years before Penny.
Leonard Hofstadter: Hey, I've date plenty of women.
Howard Wolowitz: Like who?
Leonard Hofstadter: Well, there's Joyce Kim, Leslie Winkle...
[pause]
Sheldon Cooper: Notify the editors of the Oxford English Dictionary: the word "plenty" has been redefined to mean "two".
Rajesh Koothrappali: What happens in costume at Comicon stays at Comicon!
Howard Wolowitz: You're only saying that because of what happened to you.
Leonard Hofstadter: What happened to you?
Rajesh Koothrappali: Nothing happened to me.
Howard Wolowitz: It's not your fault, Raj. He was dressed as a green Orion slave girl.
Rajesh Koothrappali: I think she's smoking hot.
Howard Wolowitz: I'd hit that!
Sheldon Cooper: You'd hit particulate soil on a colloidal suspension.
[Wolowitz looks at him for clarification]
Sheldon Cooper: Mud.
"The Big Bang Theory: The Monopolar Expedition (#2.23)" (2009)
Howard Wolowitz: Just imagine, if he accepts the offer, we could have an entire summer without Sheldon.Rajesh Koothrappali: We could play outside.
Howard Wolowitz: We could sit on the left side of the couch.
Leonard Hofstadter: I could use the bathroom at 8:20.
Rajesh Koothrappali: Our dreams are small, aren't they?
Sheldon Cooper: Did Han Solo give up when Luke was lying in the frozen planet of Hoth? No! He slit open a tauntaun and used its internal body heat to keep warm.
Howard Wolowitz: You heard the man. Hold him down while I cut him open.
Leonard Hofstadter: [At the North Pole] Darn it!
Howard Wolowitz: What?
Leonard Hofstadter: We're out of ice.
Sheldon Cooper: You're in my spot.
Howard Wolowitz: [to Rajesh] There's not time for a crossbow. Get me an icicle.
Sheldon Cooper: Howard, you will be practicing precision on the classic children's game Operation. You shall start by... removing the funny bone for $200.
Howard Wolowitz: And to think I went to MIT for this.
Howard Wolowitz: We're not really gonna go to the North Pole with him, are we?
Sheldon Cooper: I'm still within earshot. You might want to wait for my bedroom door to close.
[sound of Sheldon's door closing]
Howard Wolowitz: We're not really gonna go to the North Pole with him, are we?
"The Big Bang Theory: The Benefactor Factor (#4.15)" (2011)
[first lines]Raj Koothrappali: Here's what I wonder about zombies:
[the others groan]
Raj Koothrappali: What happens if they can't get any human flesh to eat? They can't starve to death, they're already dead.
Howard Wolowitz: You take this one. I spent an hour last night on "How do vampires shave when they can't see themselves in the mirror?"
Sheldon Cooper: Well-groomed vampires meet in pairs and shave each other. Case closed.
Raj Koothrappali: Yeah, okay. So, zombies.
Leonard Hofstadter: Uh, I guess it depends on the zombies, Raj. Are we talking slow zombies, fast zombies? Like in '28 Days', if those zombies didn't eat the starved.
Howard Wolowitz: Yes, you're thinking of '28 Days Later'. '28 Days' is where Sandra Bullock goes to rehab and puts the audience into an undead state.
Mrs. Latham: What happened to you, Wolowitz? Couldn't stick with it long enough to get your Ph.D.?
Howard Wolowitz: I'm an engineer. Most engineers don't bother with a Ph.D. But you may be interested to know I designed the zero-gravity waste disposal system for NASA.
Mrs. Latham: Got it. You're a space plumber.
Leonard Hofstadter: Mrs. Latham said she was seriously considering donating money so we could get a cryogenic centrifugal pump...
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, wow!
Howard Wolowitz: Yess!
Leonard Hofstadter: Then she stuck her tongue down my throat.
Sheldon Cooper: Why?
Penny: Okay, we can't keep explaining everything. Read that book we got you.
Leonard Hofstadter: She hit on me.
Howard Wolowitz: Wait, wait, are you telling us that old lady wanted to have sex with you in exchange for giving your department millions of dollars?
Leonard Hofstadter: I think so.
Howard Wolowitz: You lucky duck.
Penny: You're really a broken toy, aren't you?
[last lines]
President Siebert: Ah, there he is, the man of the hour! He took one for the team!
Leonard Hofstadter: I didn't do it for the money.
President Siebert: Keep telling yourself that; it makes it easier. Trust me, I know.
Raj Koothrappali: Cool, buddy. That's awesome.
Howard Wolowitz: How was she?
Howard Wolowitz: Okay, let's go smooch some rich, wrinkled tochus.
Penny: Oh, Howard, I can't believe Bernadette let you go to a fancy party wearing a dicky.
Howard Wolowitz: Excuse me, my girl friend doesn't pick out my clothes. My mother does.
"The Big Bang Theory: The Boyfriend Complexity (#4.9)" (2010)
Howard Wolowitz: Aah, this takes me back, Leonard obsessing about Penny. I mean, don't get me wrong, I love your new stuff, but once in awhile, it's nice to hear the hits.Raj Koothrappali: Ooh, ooh, do "Our babies will be smart and beautiful". That one always makes me laugh.
[Raj and Howard are playing Intergalactic Battleship]
Howard Wolowitz: C-7.
Raj Koothrappali: Miss.
Howard Wolowitz: How could that be a miss? C-6 was a hit. C-8 was a hit. Part of your starship has to be on C-7.
Raj Koothrappali: Not if it has a hole in the middle.
Howard Wolowitz: What kind of space ship has a hole in the middle?
Raj Koothrappali: A... Romulan battle bagel?
[Howard has invited Bernadette to join Raj, who is monitoring a telescope]
Bernadette Rostenkowski: So, where's the telescope?
Howard Wolowitz: It's in Hawaii, but Raj controls it from here. He's hoping to see Epsilon Eridani dim, which would be evidence of a planet orbiting it.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: So we just sit and stare at the screen, waiting for something to happen?
Howard Wolowitz: I did it with you, when we rented 'The Notebook'.
Raj Koothrappali: I can't be drinking! I'm about to make an important scientific discovery here!
Howard Wolowitz: What - ? Galileo did his best work while drinking wine.
Raj Koothrappali: How do you know that?
Howard Wolowitz: Well, he was Italian. It's a reasonable assumption.
Raj Koothrappali: Dude, can you even open your mouth without spewing a cultural stereotype?
Howard Wolowitz: Oh, I'm sorry, Galileo drank diet Sprite!
[last lines]
Leonard Hofstadter: D'you get to play with Raj's big telescope last night?
Howard Wolowitz: Wh... Where did that come from?
Raj Koothrappali: He never touched my telescope!
Howard Wolowitz: Way to go shutting up.
Raj Koothrappali: I did shut up. Now you shut up.
Howard Wolowitz: Fine.
Raj Koothrappali: Thank you.
[pause]
Raj Koothrappali: How come you didn't call me this morning?
[first lines]
Raj Koothrappali: You know who's got to be the bravest person in the Marvel universe? Whoever has to give She-Hulk her bikini wax.
Howard Wolowitz: Want to talk brave? How about Captain America's undocumented Mexican gardener?
Leonard Hofstadter: He's not braver than whoever uses the bathroom after the Thing.
Sheldon Cooper: As usual you're all wrong; the bravest person in the Marvel universe is the doctor who gives Wolverine his prostate exam.
Howard Wolowitz: How about the guy who gets a prostate exam from Wolverine?
Sheldon Cooper: Now you're just being silly. Wolverine never displayed the slightest interest in helping others prevent prostate cancer.
"The Big Bang Theory: The Bad Fish Paradigm (#2.1)" (2008)
Howard Wolowitz: [Wolowitz and Koothrapali have been watching Leonard and Penny on a video camera] You should thank us. When future generations try to determine why your date with Penny crashed and burned, this right here is the black box.Leonard Hofstadter: What are you talking about? The date went fine!
Rajesh Koothrapali: Dude, she said she wants to slow things down.
Leonard Hofstadter: Okay, so she said she wants to slow things down. It's like saying, "I'm really enjoying this meal! I'm going to slow down and savor it."
Howard Wolowitz: No - it's like: "This fish tastes bad, so I'm gonna slow down and spit it out."
Rajesh Koothrapali: You being the fish.
Leonard Hofstadter: I'm not the fish!
Leonard Hofstadter: [about his date with Penny] Where could I have possibly gone wrong?
Howard Wolowitz: The littlest things can set women off - like, "Hey, the waitress is hot! I bet we could get her to come home with us." Or, "How much does your mom weigh? I want to know what I'm getting into."
Howard Wolowitz: Are you having a second date?
Leonard Hofstadter: No. She said we would just wing it.
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, please. Even I know that's lame.
Howard Wolowitz: [Hears a knock on his door] Who is it?
Rajesh Koothrapali: [High-pitched voice] Strippergram!
[Howard opens door; it's actually Rajesh with Sheldon]
Rajesh Koothrapali: Tag, you're it.
[Runs off]
Howard Wolowitz: Couldn't you've just wrapped him up in a paper bag and set fire to him?
Rajesh Koothrapali: We just came from the exhibit of preserved cadavers.
Howard Wolowitz: And some of those skinless women were hot!
Sheldon Cooper: If you'll excuse me, I have to pack.
Howard Wolowitz: That's a bit of an overreaction to a little harmless necrophilia.
Sheldon Cooper: Hey, there he is! There my old buddy bud-bud!
Leonard Hofstadter: What's with him?
Howard Wolowitz: Koothrapali dumped him on me and he couldn't get to sleep so I gave him a glass of warm milk with a handful of my mom's Valium in it but he still wouldn't shut up so tag you're it!
[Wolowitz drops Sheldon's bag and leaves]
Sheldon Cooper: I'm baaack!
Leonard Hofstadter: I still don't know why you left.
Sheldon Cooper: I can't tell you.
Leonard Hofstadter: Why not?
Sheldon Cooper: I promised Penny.
Leonard Hofstadter: You promised Penny what?
Sheldon Cooper: That I wouldn't tell you the secret. Ssh!
Leonard Hofstadter: What secret? Tell me the secret.
Sheldon Cooper: Mom smokes in the car. Jesus is okay with it but we can't tell dad!
Leonard Hofstadter: Not *that* secret! The other secret!
Sheldon Cooper: I'm Batman! Ssh!
Leonard Hofstadter: Damn it! Sheldon, you said Penny told you a secret. What was the secret?
Sheldon Cooper: Okay, I'll tell you. But you can't tell Leonard.
Leonard Hofstadter: I promise.
Sheldon Cooper: Penny lied about graduating from community college because she's afraid she's not smart enough for Leonard.
Leonard Hofstadter: So it's nothing I did? It's her problem?
Sheldon Cooper: I drank milk that tasted funny.
Leonard Hofstadter: Penny thinks I'm too smart for her. That's ridiculous!
Sheldon Cooper: I know. Most of your work is extremely derivative. Don't worry that's not a secret. Everybody knows!
"The Big Bang Theory: The Excelsior Acquisition (#3.16)" (2010)
[first lines]Leonard Hofstadter: Will you please turn your shirt off?
Raj Koothrappali: What? I'm giving myself dramatic entrance music. People will know I'm awesome and to be feared.
Howard Wolowitz: Right. There's nothing more awesome and frightening than a man who's got music blasting from between his nipples.
Howard Wolowitz: Sheldon, why do you have all these unopened paychecks in your desk?
Sheldon Cooper: Because most of the things I'm planning to buy haven't been invented yet.
Howard Wolowitz: There, there must be thousands of dollars here! Why don't you put it in the bank?
Sheldon Cooper: I don't trust banks. I believe when the robots rise up, ATMs will lead the charge.
Howard Wolowitz: [to Sheldon] Stan Lee or you in court. Uh, if this was Sophie's Choice, it would have been a much shorter movie.
Leonard Hofstadter: It's not that big a deal. You just go down to the court on Thursday and you pay the fine.
Sheldon Cooper: I'm not gonna pay a fine! That would imply I'm guilty!
Howard Wolowitz: You *are* guilty.
[Raj presses a button and his remote-controlled shirt plays the 'Law & Order' "thunk thunk" sound; Raj, Howard and Leonard snicker with laughter]
Howard Wolowitz: That one I liked.
Howard Wolowitz: Ouch! Ew, paper cut. Nothing worse than a paper cut.
Raj Koothrappali: Obviously you don't remember your circumcision.
[last lines]
Leonard Hofstadter: Hey, where you been?
Sheldon Cooper: I'll tell you where I've been. You boys may have had gelato with Stan Lee and gotten autographed comics, but I saw the inside of his house and got an autographed application for a restraining order.
Howard Wolowitz: [sarcastically] Sweet.
Sheldon Cooper: Plus, I get to hang out with him again... at the hearing. This is going to look great, hanging next to my restraining order from Leonard Nimoy.
"The Big Bang Theory: The Psychic Vortex (#3.12)" (2010)
[first lines]Leonard Hofstadter: Look at us! Getting ready for a double date with actual women who publicly acknowledge they're our girlfriends.
Howard Wolowitz: Yes. Actual women are the best.
Sheldon Cooper: I don't understand. What other kind of women are there?
Leonard Hofstadter: Howard, artificial women are your department. You want to take this?
Howard Wolowitz: Nah. It would just freak him out.
Rajesh Koothrappali: Namasté, white people! Good news. I've rented us the four-hour edition of Watchmen.
Leonard Hofstadter: Got it.
Howard Wolowitz: Seen it.
Sheldon Cooper: Detailed analysis posted online.
Howard Wolowitz: I don't like to kiss and tell, but somebody made it to eighth base.
Leonard Hofstadter: What the hell is eighth base?
Howard Wolowitz: Seventh base with shirt off. Well, my shirt.
Leonard Hofstadter: What am I supposed to do? Pretend I believe something I don't whenever I'm with Penny?
Howard Wolowitz: Hey, I'm sure Penny fakes all kinds of things when she's with you.
Howard Wolowitz: [Watching Leonard melt his action figures with a laser] Are we taking our relationship frustrations out on innocent Cylons?
Leonard Hofstadter: Not just Cylons. Superman's next.
Howard Wolowitz: All right, I was going to try to squeeze in a little more mocking before lunch, but I can come back later when you don't have a high-powered weapon.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: I'm starved. When you spend all day in a bio lab watching flesh-eating bacteria skeletonize small rodents it really works up an appetite.
Howard Wolowitz: Flesh-eating bacteria, and yet I still want to kiss this woman. What does that tell you?
Penny: That you'd be willing to die a horrible death on the off chance you'd get to second base.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: We're way past second base. Right, Howard?
Howard Wolowitz: Uh, we kind of disagree about what the bases are.
"The Big Bang Theory: The Cushion Saturation (#2.16)" (2009)
Leslie Winkle: Where's the rest of your squad?Howard Wolowitz: Uh, they left me here to die. What about yours?
Leslie Winkle: Dead... all of 'em.
Howard Wolowitz: Sorry.
Leslie Winkle: Don't be. It was friendly fire.
[Blows on her paintgun barrel]
Leslie Winkle: They just wouldn't listen.
Rajesh Koothrappali: [the guys just found out that Howard has been hooking up with Leslie] Plus you got a rapid prototyper. That's an expensive piece of equipment, dude!
Leonard Hofstadter: The rest of us have had our budgets cut to the bone.
Howard Wolowitz: OK, one way to look at this is that I'm getting new equipment and you're not, and that's unfair. But a better way to look at this is that I'm getting sex and you're not, and that's delightful!
Leslie Winkle: Howard, I got the approval for the rapid prototyper you wanted.
Howard Wolowitz: That's great, Leslie, thanks.
Leslie Winkle: You scratch my back, I scratch your back. Meow!
Rajesh Koothrappali: What was all that about?
Howard Wolowitz: Oh, uh, no big deal, they gave Leslie control over some unrestricted grant money.
Leonard Hofstadter: Yeah, okay, but what's with the "back scratching" and the "meow."
Sheldon Cooper: I believe the "back scratching" metaphor generally describes a quid pro quo situation where one party provides goods or services to second party in compensation for a similar action.
Leonard Hofstadter: [sarcastically] Thank you.
Sheldon Cooper: The "meow." That sounded to me like an African civet cat.
Leonard Hofstadter: Are you done?
Sheldon Cooper: No. Despite what the name suggests, the civet cat, is not a true cat.
[pause]
Sheldon Cooper: Now I'm done.
Rajesh Koothrappali: You know what I'm thinking? I'm thinking, Howard wasn't making a back scratching metaphor. I'm thinking there was some actual scratching involved.
Leonard Hofstadter: What about it, Howard?
Howard Wolowitz: Okay, I didn't want to say anything, cause I know you and Leslie have a little... history.
Leonard Hofstadter: I don't care about that.
Howard Wolowitz: Great, 'cause I've been dying to say something.
Leonard Hofstadter: You and Leslie?
Howard Wolowitz: In the paintball shed! Twice!
Sheldon Cooper: Is that why you didn't cover our escape, and let us get cut down like animals?
Howard Wolowitz: Oh yeah, sorry about that.
Sheldon Cooper: My good man, dereliction of duty in the face of the enemy is a court martial offense.
Howard Wolowitz: Court martial, schmort martial. Leslie Winkle is the fifth girl I've ever had sex with!
[pause]
Howard Wolowitz: I mean for free.
Howard Wolowitz: I'm busy, ma!
Mrs. Wolowitz: Too busy to help your mother with her zipper?
Howard Wolowitz: Don't come in, ma!
Mrs. Wolowitz: Why not?
Leslie Winkle: He's got company!
Howard Wolowitz: Oh, there's the arrhythmia.
Mrs. Wolowitz: Is she Jewish?
Howard Wolowitz: [quietly] Are you Jewish?
Leslie Winkle: [quietly] No.
Howard Wolowitz: [shouting] Yes!
Leonard Hofstadter: Why don't you just eat in your desk chair?
Sheldon Cooper: Why don't I just eat in my desk chair?
Penny: Here we go.
Sheldon Cooper: That is my desk chair. That is where I work. I don't eat in my desk chair and I don't work in my spot. I work in my desk chair and eat in my spot.
Leonard Hofstadter: [to Penny] Wackadoodle.
Howard Wolowitz: You know, there's kind of an obvious solution here.
[to Raj]
Howard Wolowitz: Get up.
[places Raj's cushion in Sheldon's spot]
Howard Wolowitz: There, problem solved.
[Raj whispers in Howard's ear]
Howard Wolowitz: Nobody cares where you're gonna sit, you're not crazy.
Sheldon Cooper: Excuse me, the problem is not solved. If your head had been accidentally amputated and we transplanted a dog's head in it's place, would that be problem solved?
Leonard Hofstadter: If it were your head, it would be.
[first lines]
Howard Wolowitz: That was close.
Rajesh Koothrappali: God, I love the smell of paintballs in the morning.
Howard Wolowitz: Yeah, still funny, Raj.
"The Big Bang Theory: The Cruciferous Vegetable Amplification (#4.2)" (2010)
Howard Wolowitz: What do we owe you?Leonard Hofstadter: It came to $28.17 Let's say six bucks apiece.
Howard Wolowitz: [as Howard and Raj hand money over to Leonard] There you go.
Leonard Hofstadter: Thank you.
[Leonard looks at Penny who has a stunned look on her face]
Penny: What?
Leonard Hofstadter: Never mind, I got it.
Penny: Oh, you wanted me to pay.
Leonard Hofstadter: It's no big deal.
Penny: No, no, no, you're right, we're not going out anymore. I should pay for myself.
[Raj whispers in Howard's ear, and they start laughing]
Penny: What?
Howard Wolowitz: No, he, uh, He said if he had woman parts, he'd eat for free the rest of his life.
Penny: Yeah, but you wouldn't be able to talk to yourself.
Howard Wolowitz: Oh, look. It's Leonard and R2-D-bag.
Raj Koothrappali: That's my joke; I told it last night. You can't just use it.
Howard Wolowitz: [Raj just whispered something to him] You're right. Penny jogs, maybe you guys can run together.
Sheldon Cooper: That's an excellent idea! Yeah, if we chat, it will create the illusion of time going faster.
Penny: [unimpressed] No, it won't.
Howard Wolowitz: I say we just take him to Tatooine and sell him to some Jawas.
Raj Koothrappali: That's two, dude. Write your own jokes.
[Sheldon has introduced his 'virtual presence device' to his friends]
Howard Wolowitz: [Raj whispers in his ear] Really? That's your question, "When did he put a ramp in"?
"The Big Bang Theory: The Precious Fragmentation (#3.17)" (2010)
Penny: Okay, just to be clear, the first piece of jewelry my boyfriend gives me is a prop from a movie and I don't even get to keep it?Howard Wolowitz: If you had gone out with me three years ago, by now you'd have my great-aunt Ida's brooch that she smuggled out of occupied Belgium in a cat.
Leonard Hofstadter: How am I looking now?
Howard Wolowitz: So, Sheldon. How's it feel to be beaten up by a girl?
Sheldon Cooper: It's not the first time. I have a twin sister whose assaults began in utero. If only I'd had the presence of mind to re-absorb her. Then I'd have a mole with hair in it, instead of a tedious yearly Christmas letter.
Howard Wolowitz: Look at the markings inside. Those are production markings. nine rings were made for use in the Lord of the Rings movies; three were given to members of the cast; the rest were destroyed. Except one. One was stolen. Gentlemen, this *is* the One Ring.
[rummaging through the junk they bought at a yard sale, Raj comes across an Aquaman action figure]
Howard Wolowitz: It looks like someone drew a penis on him.
Raj Koothrappali: That will come off.
[licking his thumb, Raj begins to vigorously rub the action figure's crotch]
Howard Wolowitz: You see what you're doing? Stop that.
[Leonard, Sheldon, Raj, and Howard climb the stairs of the apartment building all still holding the ring]
Howard Wolowitz: You know, there comes a point where this becomes idiotic.
Leonard Hofstadter: It wasn't when we were driving like this?
"The Big Bang Theory: The Good Guy Fluctuation (#5.7)" (2011)
Howard Wolowitz: [to Leonard] Did you just pick a girl up in a comic book store?Stuart: Because if you did, you get your picture up there, on The Wall of Heroes.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: [off screen] Who is it?
Sheldon Cooper: It's me, Sheldon, Mrs. Wolowitz!
Howard Wolowitz: Oh, that's not my mom, that's Bernadette.
Sheldon Cooper: Really? That's unsettling.
Sheldon Cooper: You're a better man than I, Howard Wolowitz. You put 'er there, you son of a gun!
[holds out his hand]
Howard Wolowitz: Oh, whatever.
[they shake hands, Howard gets the electric shock, and faints]
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Oh my God, Howard! What did you do?
Sheldon Cooper: [panics] It was a harmless Halloween prank... Look...
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Howard has a heart condition! You know that!
Sheldon Cooper: Well, I thought he made that up! Isn't hypochondria common idiosyncrasy of Jewish people?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: This is adrenaline... we're gonna have to inject it into his heart.
Sheldon Cooper: We are?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: You are! I'm not strong enough to get it through his chest plate, and we've only got one shot!
[gives the needle to Sheldon]
Sheldon Cooper: Oh no! I can't!
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Hurry! We're running out of time!
Sheldon Cooper: Okay...
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Just do it!
Sheldon Cooper: Oh God! One... two... three...
[sticks a "needle" in Howard's chest]
Howard Wolowitz: [opens his eyes undramatically, revealing that he was just acting] Trick or treat, bubbeleh.
Sheldon Cooper: [while Howard and Bernadette laughs] What? No! You mean all this was just a ruse? Oh, how could I be so STU-U-U-U...
[touches his head with the electronic device and falls down again]
Howard Wolowitz: Come on. Admit it, we got you, Sheldon!
Sheldon Cooper: Please! Fright depends on an element of surprise. The simple fact is, because I am much smarter than you and able to anticipate your actions...
[Leonard comes up behind him in a mask]
Sheldon Cooper: ...it is highly unlikely that you two rubes could ever surprise me.
Raj Koothrappali: He's probably right.
Howard Wolowitz: We can't beat him. He's just too smart.
Sheldon Cooper: [satisfied] Gentlemen.
[turns around, sees Leonard in his mask, screams and faints down on the floor]
Howard Wolowitz: [after scaring Sheldon and making him faint] Who had money on faints?
Raj Koothrappali: I had peed his pants.
Leonard Hofstadter: Hang on. Looks like everyone's a winner.
"The Big Bang Theory: Pilot (#1.1)" (2007)
Penny: [to Raj] I'm sorry, do you speak English?Wolowitz: Oh, he speaks English, he just can't speak to women.
Penny: Really? Why?
Wolowitz: He's kind of a nerd. Juice box?
Wolowitz: Enchanté, mademoiselle. Howard Wolowitz, Caltech department of applied physics, you may be familiar with some of my work, it's currently orbiting Jupiter's largest moon taking high resolution digital photographs...?
Penny: Penny... I work at the Cheesecake Factory!
Wolowitz: Bonne Douche!
Penny: I'm sorry?
Wolowitz: It's French for "Good shower". It's a sentiment I can express in six languages.
Leonard: Save it for your blog, Howard.
Sheldon: Leonard has a lady over.
Wolowitz: Yeah, right, your grandmother's back in town?
Wolowitz: It's a Stephen Hawking lecture from MIT in 1974.
Leonard: This isn't a good time.
Wolowitz: [talking like a computer] "It's befooore he becaame a creeepy computer voooice!"
"The Big Bang Theory: The Habitation Configuration (#6.7)" (2012)
Howard Wolowitz: My plaid dickie! Can you believe I got this at Goodwill for fifty cents?Bernadette Rostenkowski: Fifty cents. That sounds about right.
Raj Koothrappali: [as they pack up Howard's room] Wow. It's the end of an era.
Howard Wolowitz: If these walls could talk.
Leonard Hofstadter: They would say "why is he touching himself so much?"
Howard Wolowitz: Yeah.
Howard Wolowitz: I remember I sat under this very desk with all my Halloween candy. I ate some peanut M&Ms, had my first anaphylactic shock, had to go to the hospital, celebrated with a Snickers bar, had my second anaphylactic shock...
Raj Koothrappali: When did you figure out you were allergic to nuts?
Howard Wolowitz: About the time I had my third Almond Joy.
Mrs. Wolowitz: Howard, help! My hand is caught in the garbage disposal!
Howard Wolowitz: Just let go of whatever food you're holding!
Mrs. Wolowitz: Are you kidding? It's a perfectly good chicken leg!
Howard Wolowitz: [about his mother] She was just so sad all the time. I was the only person who could cheer her up. Well, me and Ben and Jerry.
"The Big Bang Theory: The Pants Alternative (#3.18)" (2010)
Sheldon: Problem.Leonard: What?
Sheldon: They expect me to give a speech at the banquet. I can't give a speech.
Howard Wolowitz: No, you're mistaken. You give speeches all the time. What you can't do is shut up.
Raj Koothrappali: Yeah, before the movie you did 20 minutes on why guacamole turns brown. It turned brown while you were talking.
Sheldon: I'm perfectly comfortable speaking to small groups. I cannot speak to large crowds.
Howard Wolowitz: What to you is a large crowd?
Sheldon: Any group big enough to trample me to death. General rule of thumb is 36 adults or 70 children.
Howard Wolowitz: My power is the ability to pretend like I give a damn about your piddly-ass problems.
[first lines]
Raj Koothrappali: OK, in Avatar when they have sex on Pandora they hook up their ponytails, so we know their ponytails are like their junk.
Howard Wolowitz: Yeah, so?
Raj Koothrappali: So, when they ride horses and fly on their birds, they also use their ponytails.
Howard Wolowitz: What's your point?
Raj Koothrappali: My point is if I were a horse or a bird I'd be very nervous around James Cameron.
[Sheldon is giving a long-winded lecture about why he can't speak in public]
Howard Wolowitz: [to himself] Where are 70 children when you need them?
"The Big Bang Theory: The Dumpling Paradox (#1.7)" (2007)
Christy: There's my little engine that could.Howard Wolowitz: Chugga-chugga-chugga...
Sheldon: There's another beloved children's book I can never read again.
Penny: You used my loofah?
Howard Wolowitz: More precisely, we used your loofah. I exfoliated her brains out.
Howard Wolowitz: When they perfect human cloning, I'm getting twelve of those.
Howard Wolowitz: [On answering machine recording] You have reached Howard Wolowitz...
Christy: ...and Cristy.
Howard Wolowitz: And we can't come to the phone right now because we're having sex!
Christy: You're not going to put that on the answering machine, are you?
Howard Wolowitz: Just kidding, I'll re-record it.
Penny: I know how she is. She'll keep having sex with you as long as you buy her stuff.
Howard Wolowitz: Really?
Penny: Yeah.
Howard Wolowitz: YAY.
"The Big Bang Theory: The Vengeance Formulation (#3.9)" (2009)
Howard Wolowitz: So nice you could join me this evening. You're looking lovely as always.Katee Sackhoff: Thanks, Howard. Always nice to be part of your masturbatory fantasies.
Howard Wolowitz: Come on, Katee, don't make it sound so cheap.
Katee Sackhoff: I'm sorry. Fiddling with yourself in the bathtub is a real class act.
Howard Wolowitz: Thank you. So, shall we get started?
Katee Sackhoff: Sure, but could I ask you a question first?
Howard Wolowitz: You want to play Cylon & Colonist?
Katee Sackhoff: No. I want to know why you're playing make-believe with me when you could be out with a real woman tonight.
Howard Wolowitz: You mean Bernadette?
Katee Sackhoff: No, I mean Princess Leia. Of course I mean Bernadette. She's a wonderful girl and she really likes you.
Howard Wolowitz: I know, but she's not you.
Katee Sackhoff: I'm not me. The real me is in Beverly Hills going out with a tall, handsome, rich guy.
Howard Wolowitz: Really? Tall?
Katee Sackhoff: Six four.
Howard Wolowitz: Ouch.
Katee Sackhoff: The point is you've got a wonderful girl in your life and you're ignoring her in order to spend your nights in a bathtub with a mental image and a washcloth.
Mrs. Wolowitz: Howard! What are you doing in there?
Howard Wolowitz: I'm taking a bath!
Mrs. Wolowitz: I hope that's all you're doing! We share that tub!
Howard Wolowitz: Don't remind me!
[he turns back to find Katee has disappeared]
Howard Wolowitz: Oh, man, all soaped up and no place to go.
[first lines]
Howard Wolowitz: Two years later there's a knock on the door; the guy opens it, and there on the porch is the snail who says, "What the heck was that all about?"
Bernadette Rostenkowski: [giggles] I don't really get it.
Howard Wolowitz: See, it took two for the snail to-
[Bernadette kisses him]
Howard Wolowitz: Not important.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Can I ask you a question?
Howard Wolowitz: Sure.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Where do you think this is going?
Howard Wolowitz: To be honest, I was hoping at least second base.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: You're so funny. You're like a stand-up comedian.
Howard Wolowitz: A Jewish stand-up comedian; that'd be new.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Actually, I think a lot of them are Jewish.
Howard Wolowitz: No, I was just be- Never mind.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Look, Howard, this is our third date, and we both know what that means.
Howard Wolowitz: We do?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Sex.
Howard Wolowitz: You're kidding!
Bernadette Rostenkowski: But I need to know whether you're looking for a relationship or a one-night stand.
Howard Wolowitz: Okay, just to be clear, there's only one correct answer, right? It's not like 'chicken or fish' on an airplane.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Maybe you need to think about it a little.
Howard Wolowitz: You know it's not unheard of for a one-night stand to turn into a relationship.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: [she kisses him briefly] Call me when you figure it out.
[she goes into her house]
Howard Wolowitz: Three dates means sex! Who knew?
Howard Wolowitz: [about Bernadette] She wants a commitment, and I'm not sure she's my type.
Penny: She agreed to go out with you for free; what more do you need?
Howard Wolowitz: Look, Bernadette is really nice; I just always thought when I finally settle down and do a relationship it would be with someone, you know... different.
Penny: Different how?
Howard Wolowitz: Well, you know... more like Megan Fox from 'Transformers'. Or Katee Sackhoff from 'Battlestar Galactica'.
Penny: Are you high?
Leonard Hofstadter: You'd have a better shot with the three-breasted Martian hooker from 'Total Recall'.
Howard Wolowitz: Okay, now you're just being unrealistic. Anyway, that movie was like twenty years ago; imagine how *saggy* those things would be.
[last lines]
Penny: [Howard is 'serenading' Bernadette] Oh, I am *so* sorry.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Are you kidding? That's the most romantic thing anyone's ever done for me.
Howard Wolowitz: [sings] Bernadette!
[says]
Howard Wolowitz: Thank you, Cheesecake Factory!
Howard Wolowitz: Hey, did either of you guys know that three dates with the same woman is the threshold for sex?
Raj Koothrappali: Actually, I've never had three dates with the same woman.
Leonard Hofstadter: With Penny and me it took two years! Now that I think about it that was three dates.
"The Big Bang Theory: The Proton Resurgence (#6.22)" (2013)
Raj Koothrappali: I just found out I have to stay all weekend at the observatory. Can you and Bernadette take care of my dog for me?Howard Wolowitz: Why don't you put her in a kennel?
Raj Koothrappali: Why don't you put your mother in a home?
Howard Wolowitz: To be honest, she'd do better in a kennel.
Raj Koothrappali: Uncle Howard! Cinnamon's here for her sleep-over party!
Howard Wolowitz: You do realize that if you have a stroke, she'll eat you.
Raj Koothrappali: And it would be my pleasure to be her num-num.
Howard Wolowitz: [to Raj's dog Cinnamon] I feel for ya. I've got a psychotic mommy too.
Howard Wolowitz: [Printing a poster of Cinnamon] How's this?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: How did you get a picture of her?
Howard Wolowitz: I didn't. I just Googled "Foo-foo little dogs."
Howard Wolowitz: Oh, hey. We were just walking Cinnamon.
Raj Koothrappali: Oh, really? Did you take her down Liars Lane?
Howard Wolowitz: What?
Raj Koothrappali: Liars Lane? A lane frequented by liars? Like you, you big liar?
"The Big Bang Theory: The Bozeman Reaction (#3.13)" (2010)
Leonard Hofstadter: Where did you get all this stuff?Howard Wolowitz: Eh, I got a buddy over at the Department of Defense.
Leonard Hofstadter: He just *gave* it to you?
Howard Wolowitz: I'm sure he would've if I'd asked. Ironically, their security isn't all that good.
Sheldon Cooper: [while looking at a menu] And look over here, 'Shrimp in Mobster Sauce'. What is mobster sauce?
Leonard Hofstadter: It's obviously a typo.
Sheldon Cooper: Hmm, perhaps. Or perhaps this restaurant's now a front for organised crime. For all we know the mobster sauce contains actual chunks of deceased mobsters.
Raj Koothrappali: No, no, no, no. I think it just means it's the kind of sauce that mobsters like.
Howard Wolowitz: It doesn't mean any of that. It's a typo.
[last lines]
Howard Wolowitz: [as Sheldon enters] Hey! Look who's back!
Sheldon Cooper: Interesting. The acquaintance is the first to greet me.
[first lines]
Howard Wolowitz: Boy, seems like forever since the four of us have been out to eat, you know, just the guys.
Raj Koothrappali: Oh God! Yes, we get it; you have a girlfriend now.
Howard Wolowitz: A little jealous are we?
Raj Koothrappali: No, I'm not jealous.
[the other 3 stare at him]
Raj Koothrappali: All right, I'd kill a hobo if it'll get me laid. Now can we order.
Howard Wolowitz: Oh, come on. So you were the victim of a crime. That's part of life. When my great-grandfather first came to this country, he put all his hopes and dreams into this little butcher shop he ran on the Lower East Side of New York. You know what happened? Every customer who walked into that butcher shop and asked for a pound of liver, got ripped off. But, those people moved on, and so should you.
Sheldon Cooper: I am moving on. I'm going to be a Bozite.
Leonard Hofstadter: They call themselves Bozites?
Sheldon Cooper: They should. It's one of the first things I plan to bring up upon arrival.
Leonard Hofstadter: Sheldon, I can't believe I'm saying this, but I'm going to miss you.
Sheldon Cooper: Please, Penny, as you know, I'm not comfortable with prolonged good-byes and maudlin displays of emotion, so I prepared a short video. - - Greetings. As you know, I'm not comfortable with prolonged good-byes and maudlin displays of emotion, so I prepared this short video. The four of you are three of my closest friends and one treasured acquaintance. Though I cannot state categorically that my life will be diminished by not having you in it, I am comfortable if you choose to believe that. Since you intend to remain in this lawless metropolitan area, statistics suggest that you will succumb to tragic and gruesome ends before we meet again. Live long and prosper.
"The Big Bang Theory: The Peanut Reaction (#1.16)" (2008)
Penny: [to Leonard] This is the saddest thing I've ever heard.Howard Wolowitz: You think?
Howard Wolowitz: [to Leonard] Go ahead - tell her about your senior prom.
[Penny is trying to convince Sheldon to buy Leonard a gift]
Howard Wolowitz: Try telling him it's a non-optional social convention.
Penny: What?
Howard Wolowitz: Just do it.
Penny: It's - it's a non-optional social convention.
Sheldon Cooper: Ah, fair enough.
Howard Wolowitz: He came with a manual.
Howard Wolowitz: Okay, I get it. I know how the world works. How 'bout if I were to introduce you... to the man who freed your people?
Althea: [shows a five-dollar bill] Unless my people were freed by Benjamin Franklin and his five twin brothers, you are wasting your time!
Leonard: Look, I am in the "Halo" battle of my life here! There's this kid in Copenhagen; he has no immune system, so all he does is sit in his bubble and play "Halo" 24-7.
Howard Wolowitz: Can't you play him some other time?
Leonard: Not if you believe his doctors.
Howard Wolowitz: We're in a hospital right now.
Penny: Why? Is Leonard okay?
Howard Wolowitz: Leonard's fine. I'm fine, thanks for asking, by the way.
Penny: Okay, I don't need your attitude. Listen, just hold him there a little longer.
Howard Wolowitz: Look, I've done my best, but he wants to go home and I don't know how to stop him.
Penny: Okay. How about this? You keep him there a little longer and when you get to the party, I'll point out which of my friends are easy.
[Howard remains silent, unsure what he just heard]
Howard Wolowitz: Don't toy with me, woman.
Penny: I got a hot former fat girl with no self esteem, I got a girl who punishes her father by sleeping around, and an alcoholic who's two tequila shots away from letting you wear her like a hat.
Howard Wolowitz: Thy will be done.
[Howard hangs up and pulls the peanut-filled granola bar out of his back pocket]
Howard Wolowitz: [to his groin] I'm doing this for you, little buddy.
"The Big Bang Theory: The Killer Robot Instability (#2.12)" (2009)
Howard Wolowitz: Once again, Penny and I have begun our little tango. The carnal repartee, the erotic to and fro. But as delicious as the appetizer might be, at some point we have to succumb and eat the entree while it's still...[mimes sizzle]
Howard Wolowitz: ... hot.
Leonard Hofstadter: I'm begging you, stop.
Penny: Normally, I can just ignore you. I get it. You're a little peculiar, like Sheldon.
Sheldon Cooper: Excuse me, Penny, but in this room, you are the one who is peculiar.
Penny: You may be right. But back to you. I know you think you're just some kind of smooth-talking ladies man, but the truth is you're just pathetic and creepy.
Howard Wolowitz: So, what are you saying?
Penny: I am saying that it is not a compliment to call me doable. It is not sexy to stare at my ass and say "Ooh, that must be jelly, 'cause jam don't shake like that." And we are not dancing a tango, we are not to-ing and fro-ing, othing's going to happen between us! Ever!
Howard Wolowitz: Wait a minute. We're not flirting, you're serious.
Penny: Flirting? You think I'm flirting with you? No woman is ever going to flirt with you! You're just going to grow old and die alone!
Penny: Your mom seems nice.
Howard Wolowitz: People move away from her on the bus.
Mrs. Wolowitz: Should I ask Leonard to bring over your homework?
Howard Wolowitz: I don't have homework. I'm a grown man with a masters degree in engineering!
Mrs. Wolowitz: Excuse me, Mr. Fancypants. Want me to get you a Popsicle?
Howard Wolowitz: Cherry, please!
Mrs. Wolowitz: I ate the cherry! All that's left is green!
Howard Wolowitz: You make me want to kill myself?
[first lines]
Howard Wolowitz: All right, that's the last servo. Behold, the Mobile Omnidirectional Neutralization and Termination Eradicator, or
Howard Wolowitz, Leonard Hofstadter, Sheldon Cooper, Rajesh Koothrappali: Monte.
[pronounced monty]
Howard Wolowitz: Featuring one articulated razor-sharp killing saw, one polycarbonate grinding and flipping wheel, steel armor-plate exo-skeleton top and bottom, and enough horsepower to drive a hundred-and-ten pounds of mechanized death from zero to holy crap in four-point-eight seconds.
[last lines]
Sheldon Cooper: So, what do you think, Howard? I-it's not that bad, right?
Howard Wolowitz: Ah, nah, a little electrical tape, some solder... Are you insane! I've seen space probes that crashed into the desert that were in better shape than this.
Sheldon Cooper: You're right. Monte's gone. We'll bury him in the morning. A-a simple ceremony, I'll speak. Leonard, you'll play your cello.
Penny: Sheldon, honey, aren't you getting a little carried away? I mean, it's just a toy robot.
Sheldon Cooper: Just a toy robot...
[he runs to his room]
Leonard Hofstadter: Penny.
Penny: I know; I got it.
[she goes to Sheldon's room]
Penny: Sheldon! I'm sorry!
Howard Wolowitz: Well,
[pointing to his bandaged nose]
Howard Wolowitz: don't get the wrong idea. The way I see it I'm halfway to pity sex.
"The Big Bang Theory: The Fish Guts Displacement (#6.10)" (2012)
[first lines]Sheldon Cooper: Is anyone else troubled by the Spiderman theme song?
Leonard Hofstadter: Why would it trouble you? It's like your third favorite cartoon theme song.
Sheldon Cooper: It is. It's right behind
[sings]
Sheldon Cooper: "Doo doo doo dod-doo, Inspecor gadget" and
[sings]
Sheldon Cooper: "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Heroes on a half shell."
Sheldon Cooper, Leonard Hofstadter, Howard Wolowitz, Raj Koothrappali: Turtle power!
Howard Wolowitz: Boy, we're just married to a couple of ball-busters, huh, Mike.
Mr. Rostenkowski: That's my wife and daughter you're talking about.
Howard Wolowitz: Great couple o' gals.
Mr. Rostenkowski: I wouldn't go that far.
Howard Wolowitz: So, Mrs. Rostenkowski, you took that trip to the Grand Canyon. How was it?
Mrs. Rostenkowski: It was good.
Howard Wolowitz: [to Mike Rostenkowski] Had no idea you were the chatty one.
Raj Koothrappali: Can we change the subject? Spiders give me the jeebie-jeebies.
Howard Wolowitz: It's heebie-jeebies.
Raj Koothrappali: I know, but that sounds anti-Semitic. Anyway, I was thinking we could have a little film festival tonight. The theme, movies that killed their franchises.
Leonard Hofstadter: Ohhh, like Jaws 4, Indiana Jones 4, Daredevil 1.
Raj Koothrappali: Miss Congeniality 2: Armed and Fabulous. I mean, you know a movie's bad when my homegirl Sandy B can't save it.
Howard Wolowitz: Really? Your wife makes you do stuff? You're a big, scary cop.
Mr. Rostenkowski: You're an astronaut, and your wife makes you do things, and she's only four feet tall.
"The Big Bang Theory: The Raiders Minimization (#7.4)" (2013)
Sheldon Cooper: Amy ruined 'Raiders of the Lost Ark' for me. So, now I'm trying to find something beloved to her and ruin that.Howard Wolowitz: Because her life wasn't enough?
[last lines]
Howard Wolowitz: Wait! Wait! If it wasn't for Indiana Jones, the ark would never have ended up at the warehouse.
Sheldon Cooper: That's true. He collected and delivered the ark to the proper authorities for filing.
Raj Koothrappali: Like a hero!
Leonard Hofstadter, Sheldon Cooper, Howard Wolowitz: Yeah!
Leonard Hofstadter: Although technically Indy was supposed to take the ark to a museum to be studied; he couldn't even get that done.
Leonard Hofstadter, Sheldon Cooper, Howard Wolowitz, Raj Koothrappali: Aw.
Sheldon Cooper: Man.
Sheldon Cooper: Amy ruined Raiders of the Lost Ark for me. So now I'm trying to find something beloved to her and ruin that.
Howard Wolowitz: Because her life wasn't enough?
Howard Wolowitz: Wow. Sex at work!
Leonard Hofstadter: Hey, leave IT alone; that's my girlfriend...
Howard Wolowitz: Sorry.
Leonard Hofstadter: WHO JUST HAD SEX WITH ME AT WORK!
Howard Wolowitz: Damn, how'd you swing that?
Leonard Hofstadter: Well, whenever I talk about how awful my Mom was, Penny will do anything to make me feel better.
Howard Wolowitz: Seriously?
Leonard Hofstadter: I'm not proud of it, but it does work.
"The Big Bang Theory: The Proton Displacement (#7.7)" (2013)
Howard Wolowitz: ...And an astolyne torch to melt it down.Penny: Oooo. That looks like fun.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Maybe you should master glue before you move onto fire.
Amy Farrah Fowler: So what tools did you bring?
Howard Wolowitz: Everything we need to make jewelery molds; here's some silver, a crucible and an acetylene torch to melt it down.
Penny: Ooooo, that looks like fun.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Maybe you should master glue before you move on to fire.
Howard Wolowitz: Hello, all.
Raj Koothrappali: Okay, here we go with the "Raj is a girl" jokes.
Howard Wolowitz: Bernadette said I'm not allowed. So I won't say anything about you or what you do or how you just want to have fu-un.
Howard Wolowitz: Look who's here to put the Jew back in jewelry.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Oh, sure, it's fine when you say it.
"The Big Bang Theory: The Cohabitation Formulation (#4.16)" (2011)
Howard Wolowitz: Who's there? Are you a sex criminal?Mrs. Wolowitz: Sex criminals don't have keys, Ma!
Sheldon Cooper: Leonard, social protocol states when a friend is upset, you offer them a hot beverage, such as tea.
Howard Wolowitz: Tea does sound nice.
Sheldon Cooper: You heard the man, Leonard. And while you're at it, I'm upset that we have an unannounced house guest, so make me cocoa.
Howard Wolowitz: We wait for my mom's heart to explode from all the salt she eats. Then we just stick her in the ground, flip her mattress and move into the big bedroom.
Mrs. Wolowitz: Who's there? Are you a sex criminal?
Howard Wolowitz: Sex criminals don't have keys, Ma!
"The Big Bang Theory: The Rhinitis Revelation (#5.6)" (2011)
Raj Koothrappali: [Looking at a crucifix in a Catholic church] None of our gods have abs like that.Howard Wolowitz: Yup... that's the last Jew who did sit-ups. And look where it got him.
Mary Cooper: I bet your mom is really proud of you.
Howard Wolowitz: Nope. She says if I don't back out, she's gonna go on a hunger strike. I mean it'd take years before she'd be in any kind of danger, but still...
Sheldon Cooper: You people need to stop ruining my mom's visit, with you, with your sushi and your sadness and your slutty shirts! Stop it!
[Raj whispers to Howard]
Howard Wolowitz: He's not talking about your shirt. Your shirt is fine.
Howard Wolowitz: So, this spring, I get to go to the International Space Station.
Mary Cooper: Oh, my word! A trip to the Heavens. If you ever want to live there eternally, I've got a good book you could read.
Howard Wolowitz: Thanks, but I watch the 'Charlie Brown Christmas Special' every year, so I get the gist.
"The Big Bang Theory: The Big Bran Hypothesis (#1.2)" (2007)
Leonard: Do you wanna join us for Thai food and a Superman movie marathon?Penny: Wow, a marathon, how many Superman movies are there?
Sheldon: You're kidding, right?
Penny: You know, I do like the one where Lois Lane falls from the helicopter and Superman swooshes down and catches her. Which one was that?
Leonard, Sheldon, Wolowitz: *One.*
[Raj holds up one finger]
Sheldon: You know that scene was rife with scientific inaccuracy?
Penny: Yes, I know men can't fly...
Sheldon: No, no, let's assume that they can... Lois Lane is falling, accelerating at an initial rate of 32 feet per second per second... Superman swoops down to save her by reaching out two arms of steel... Miss Lane, who is now traveling at approximately 120 miles an hour, hits them and is immediately sliced into three equal pieces.
Leonard: Unless Superman matches her speed and decelerates.
Sheldon: In what space, sir, in what space? She's two feet above the ground. Frankly, if he really loved her, he'd let her hit the pavement. It'd be a more merciful death.
Leonard: Well, excuse me! Your entire argument is predicated on the assumption that Superman's flight is a feat of strength.
Sheldon: Are you listening to yourself? It is well established that Superman's flight is a feat of strength. It is an extension of his ability to leap tall buildings, an ability he derives from Earth's yellow sun!
Wolowitz: And you don't have a problem with that? How does he fly at night?
Sheldon: Uh, a combination of the Moon's solar reflection, and the energy storage capacity of Kryptonian skin cells.
Penny: I'm just gonna go wash up.
Leonard: I have 26 hundred comic books in there; I challenge you to find a single reference to "Kryptonian skin cells."
Sheldon: Challenge accepted!
[walks to door]
Sheldon: We're locked out...
Koothrappali: Also, the pretty girl left.
Koothrappali: Hello. Sorry I'm late, but I was in the hallway chatting up Penny.
Wolowitz: Really? You, Rajesh Koothrappali, spoke to Penny?
Koothrappali: Actually, I was less the chatter than the chattee.
Wolowitz: Oh, boy, I was afraid of this.
Leonard: What?
Wolowitz: These instructions are a pictographic representation of the least imaginative way to assemble these components. This right here is why Sweden has no space program.
Howard Wolowitz: [after playing DDR] Grab a napkin, homie. You just got served.
"The Big Bang Theory: The Plimpton Stimulation (#3.21)" (2010)
Dr. Elizabeth Plimpton: You two figure out the details; I'm going to go change into something I don't mind getting ripped off my milky flesh![she goes into another room, closing the door behind her]
Howard Wolowitz: What the frack?
Raj Koothrappali: Go away! She wants New Delhi, not kosher deli!
[pause]
Raj Koothrappali: Besides, you have a girlfriend!
Howard Wolowitz: We broke up weeks ago!
Raj Koothrappali: Why didn't you say anything?
Howard Wolowitz: I was waiting for the right time! This is the right time!
Howard Wolowitz: Are you planning on kidnapping a woman?
Sheldon Cooper: Sarcasm?
Howard Wolowitz: Yes, but mixed with genuine concern.
Dr. Elizabeth Plimpton: Oh, good, Leonard's here.
Raj Koothrappali: [astounded] Good?
Leonard Hofstadter: Elizabeth, what's going on?
Dr. Elizabeth Plimpton: What's going on is you and Howard are my moving men, and Raj is my new landlord, and I don't have enough money to pay any of you.
Leonard Hofstadter: Is she suggesting what I think she's suggesting?
Howard Wolowitz: Yep. Welcome to the Penthouse Forum!
Raj Koothrappali: OK, Show of hands, who's up for this?
[Only Howard raises his hand]
Leonard Hofstadter: We'll all be in naked in front of each other.
Howard Wolowitz: I'm out.
Leonard Hofstadter: Are you having trouble sleeping? Because... boy... I was up all night.
Raj Koothrappali: Did you get a cold, too?
Leonard Hofstadter: No, but I was awake all night.
Howard Wolowitz: If you want I can give you some of my mom's sleeping pills.
Raj Koothrappali: She won't notice them missing?
Howard Wolowitz: She doesn't know she takes them.
"The Big Bang Theory: The Discovery Dissipation (#7.10)" (2013)
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Hey guys, sorry I'm so late. Did you already have dinner?Howard Wolowitz: No, we were waiting for you.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Oh, that's so sweet.
Howard Wolowitz: Yeah. So what do you feel like making?
Raj Koothrappali: Howard, the poor thing just got home from work! Let me get you a glass of wine; I'll cook dinner.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Oh, Raj, you're our guest.
Raj Koothrappali: Don't be silly, sit. You look like you've had a long day.
Howard Wolowitz: No, she always looks like that.
[Bernadette gives him a dirty look]
Howard Wolowitz: Because she married an idiot!
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Raj, this dinner was amazing. If you're here much longer, I'm going to have to buy bigger clothes.
Raj Koothrappali: Nonsense. You need a little fattening up. You've been looking too skinny lately.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Ah. Howie, how come you never say anything sweet like that?
Howard Wolowitz: What are you talking about? Remember last week when I asked you if you were wearing Spanx and you weren't? How's that different?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Maybe you could try being more thoughtful like your friend Raj.
Howard Wolowitz: Yeah, well, maybe you could try being more like Raj.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Oh, really?
Howard Wolowitz: Yeah, yeah. He packed me a lunch this morning and there was a note inside that said "Go get 'em."
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Like I don't do enough around here? Now I need to pack your lunch? And by the way, why do you need a note to telling you to "Go got 'em"? You're a grown man; you should know to "Go get 'em."
Howard Wolowitz: I do know to "Go get'em", but sometimes it's nice to have emotional support when I'm going and getting them.
Raj Koothrappali: Hey. Hey. Do you hear yourselves? No more. Calm down and take a step back.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: This is stupid. Why are we fighting?
Howard Wolowitz: I don't know. I guess I was just feeling like I'm a lousy husband.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: You're not a lousy husband. You're a great husband. I was the one feeling like a lousy wife.
Howard Wolowitz: Are you kidding? You're the best! I know what the problem is; it's him.
Raj Koothrappali: Whoa. What did I do?
Howard Wolowitz: You made us feel like we're not trying hard enough.
Raj Koothrappali: Yeah. We were totally fine half-assing our marriage 'til you showed up.
Raj Koothrappali: Look, I'm sorry you're upset with me, but I just have to say it's nice to see the two of you on the same page.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: It does feel good to have you backing me up for once.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: I back you up all the time.
Howard Wolowitz: That is- He's doing it again!
Bernadette Rostenkowski: What is wrong with you?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Aw, Raj did the dishes!
Howard Wolowitz: How do you know I didn't do them?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Because once, when all the knives were dirty, you cut a bagel with your keys.
Howard Wolowitz: You're brushing your teeth on the couch?
Raj Koothrappali: No, I'm brushing Cinnamon's teeth.
Howard Wolowitz: Why bother? She just spends half the day licking her own butt.
Raj Koothrappali: And the other half licking my face, hence the toothbrush.
"The Big Bang Theory: The Friendship Turbulence (#7.17)" (2014)
Leonard Hofstadter: Are we playing individuals or teams?Raj Koothrappali: Teams are fun.
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, in that case I'd like to be partnered with my good friend Howard.
Raj Koothrappali: But I'm always on Howard's team! We're best friends. The kind that finish each other's...
Howard Wolowitz: We don't really do that.
Raj Koothrappali: [Interrupting] ... do that! See?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: This is gonna be a long weekend for you.
Howard Wolowitz: You're the reason I'm doing it.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: I said to stop insulting each other. I didn't tell you to take him on a romantic getaway.
Howard Wolowitz: How do I know what you said? Damn you and your noise cancelling breasts.
Howard Wolowitz: Back in the car. I'm an astronaut and you know it. You just don't like admitting it because you're jealous.
Sheldon Cooper: Well, truth be told, as a child I did dream of going into space. Those astronauts were my heroes, and when you got to go it was hard for me.
Howard Wolowitz: Thank you.
Sheldon Cooper: Because it made me realize they'll just send anyone up there.
Sheldon Cooper: I'm sorry for every mean thing I ever said or did to you.
Howard Wolowitz: I'm sorry too. It's all my fault.
Sheldon Cooper: If you weren't my friend there'd be a hole in my life.
Howard Wolowitz: Thank you.
Sheldon Cooper: Kind of like when Firefly was cancelled. But not as big.
"The Big Bang Theory: The Monster Isolation (#6.17)" (2013)
Howard Wolowitz: I'm telling you, something's wrong. I can always feel it when Raj is in trouble.Bernadette Rostenkowski: Jeez. How close were you guys before we got married?
Leonard Hofstadter: Don't look under that rock.
Raj Koothrappali: I was humiliated by yet another woman.
Howard Wolowitz: You didn't kill her and chop her up, that's not what we're smelling, right?
Sheldon Cooper: I haven't seen Raj in several days. Is he no longer a part of our social group? And if so, should we be interviewing for a replacement? Perhaps this time we go Latin.
Howard Wolowitz: Just decided he's never leaving his apartment again.
Sheldon Cooper: Ah, brilliant! I've been itching to pull that trigger.
Howard Wolowitz: [to Lucy] I gotta warn you, Raj is a proud, passionate man. If you go running out on him again, you're... only gonna get like three or four more chances before you are history.
"The Big Bang Theory: The Status Quo Combustion (#7.24)" (2014)
Sheldon Cooper: So, who's watching her now?Howard Wolowitz: A bowlful of M&M's with a few Ambien tossed in.
Leonard Hofstadter: Hey, buddy.
Sheldon Cooper: Hello.
Leonard Hofstadter: You okay?
Sheldon Cooper: I just got called into President Siebert's office. The university won't let me switch my field of study to inflation cosmology. Thy are forcing me to continue with string theory.
Howard Wolowitz: Why?
Sheldon Cooper: He said it's why they hired me, it's what my grant was designated for and that everybody has to do thing they don't want to do. He then gave an example of something he had to do even though he didn't want to do which was look at my stupid face.
Leonard Hofstadter: That was a rude thing to say... out loud.
Howard Wolowitz: Well, what if we use our vacation time?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: I wanted to go to Hawaii, not hell.
Howard Wolowitz: Don't take this the wrong way, but did you do this for the insurance money?
Stuart Bloom: No. Oh God, you sound like the police, the firemen, my parents, my therapist and the insurance company.
"The Big Bang Theory: The First Pitch Insufficiency (#8.3)" (2014)
Leonard Hofstadter: He's practicing.Penny: For what?
Howard Wolowitz: The Angels wanted an astronaut to throw out the first pitch, so guess who they called?
Penny: What, you? Really?
Howard Wolowitz: Well, a lot of people who weren't available, but then me!
Howard Wolowitz: Even professional pitchers need a rubdown after the game.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: If you were throwing an actual ball. You were throwing air at a TV.
Howard Wolowitz: For your information, I also gave Leonard one hell of a high five.
Raj Koothrappali: You suck, Wolowitz!
Howard Wolowitz: What the hell was that?
Raj Koothrappali: I'm heckling you. It's a beloved baseball tradition.
Sheldon Cooper: He's right. And considering you're still waiting to be called for a game you played in fifth grade, you probably do suck.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: I could give you a few pointers. I played softball.
Howard Wolowitz: That would be great.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: And while you're at it, maybe we can work on butching up your run.
Howard Wolowitz: What's wrong with the way I run?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Oh, nothing.
[Mimes a girly run as she exits]
"The Big Bang Theory: The Launch Acceleration (#5.23)" (2012)
Howard Wolowitz: Well, that's it. My orders have been rescinded; I am officially no-go to space.Leonard Hofstadter: I'm sorry, Howard. But I gotta tell you, I'm a little relieved you're not going.
Howard Wolowitz: Why?
Leonard Hofstadter: Come on, you were gonna go up in a rocket designed in the 1960s by the Russians.
Howard Wolowitz: Yeah, so?
Leonard Hofstadter: When was the last time you were at Best Buy and you heard someone say, "Ooh, check out this Blu-Ray player, it must be good, it was built in Russia."?
Howard Wolowitz: Well, their technology isn't that bad.
Raj Koothrappali: When you come back to Earth in a Soyuz capsule, you free fall, from space, at 500 miles per hour, and the only thing that slows you down is a little parachute that pops out right before you crash into the ground. And the whole thing was designed by the same brilliant minds who were unable to capture Rocky and Bullwinkle.
Howard Wolowitz: Right, well, whatever. I wasn't worried.
Raj Koothrappali: You weren't?
Howard Wolowitz: Let me explain the difference between you and me. You watch Star Trek; I live it.
Raj Koothrappali: Oh, please, I don't remember the episode of Star Trek where the guy never goes to space, and brags about it in a tuxedo store.
Howard Wolowitz: Make all the jokes you want, but there's only one of us here brave enough to almost do what I almost did.
Sheldon Cooper: Ah, much better!
Leonard Hofstadter: You must be burning up
Sheldon Cooper: A little. But not more than your urethras will be after whatever's in those pants swims up them. Well, I cut quite the dashing yet hygienic figure, don't I? I look like The Flash, about to get married. Oh, a tissue! A tissue! Oh, good Lord!
[Runs outside]
Jimmy: Uh, where is he going?
Leonard Hofstadter: He keeps emergency Purell in the car.
[first lines]
Howard Wolowitz: [phone rings, Howard presses speaker-phone] Howard Wolowitz.
Dave Roeger: Hey, Howard. Dave Roeger here at NASA. We need to talk about your upcoming mission.
Howard Wolowitz: Yes, yes! I've been doing my pushups. I'm still stuck at nine, but... that's going all the way down with no-one holding me.
Dave Roeger: That's great, uh, but that's not why I called. We've run into a bit of a snafu. Your Soyuz capsule failed the pressurization test, so, bottom line, mission's been scrubbed.
Howard Wolowitz: [picks up handset] You're kidding. So what does that mean?
Howard Wolowitz: Uh-huh.
Howard Wolowitz: Uh-huh.
Howard Wolowitz: Boy, I gotta tell you I'm really disappointed. This was my dream ever since I was a little kid.
Howard Wolowitz: Okay, thanks for the call.
Howard Wolowitz: Yeah, you too.
[he hangs up]
Howard Wolowitz: Yes! thank heavens!
[laughs hysterically]
Howard Wolowitz: I'm not going to die in space! Whoo, now I can die the way God intended; in my late fifties with a heartful of pastrami.
Howard Wolowitz: Hey, I was thinking: for our first dance at the wedding, what if we learned the final number from 'Dirty Dancing'?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: You're kidding!
Howard Wolowitz: No, come on, how cool would that be? Me, running into your arms; you, lifting me up into the air.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Oh, you're in a good mood.
Howard Wolowitz: Yeah, well, why wouldn't I be? I'm marrying the girl of my dreams, and finally got my mother to agree not to come on our honeymoon.
Howard Wolowitz: I'm going to level with you. I'm terrified about going into space. Y'know, what if I don't make it back?
Mr. Rostenkowski: It's gonna be okay, son.
Howard Wolowitz: You really think so?
Mr. Rostenkowski: Of course. A pretty girl like Bernadette, she'll find a new guy.
"The Big Bang Theory: The Closure Alternative (#6.21)" (2013)
Raj Koothrappali: This is creepy.Howard Wolowitz: Oh, I think we were looking at creepy in the rear-view mirror when I put up that camera.
Howard Wolowitz: "The key to her heart." Huh. That's nice. Were you quoting someone or is it tattooed on the small of your back?
Raj Koothrappali: I was quoting a *man* who knows a thing or two about women. Sir Elton John.
Howard Wolowitz: Ready to go to lunch?
Raj Koothrappali: Do you think I'm feminine?
Howard Wolowitz: Yeah. Let's go.
Raj Koothrappali: Thanks a lot.
Howard Wolowitz: What's going on?
Raj Koothrappali: I broke down, and I read Lucy's blog. And in one of the entries she said when we first met I struck her as a little feminine.
Howard Wolowitz: Just a little? That's great!
Raj Koothrappali: I have to talk to her about this.
Howard Wolowitz: Ah, geez, why do you girls always want to talk about things?
Howard Wolowitz: I think you'll like this security system. High definition camera, twenty-four hour monitoring...
Raj Koothrappali: Now I can watch over my little princess while I'm at work.
Howard Wolowitz: Why can't you just watch porn like a regular guy?
"The Big Bang Theory: The Pirate Solution (#3.4)" (2009)
Howard Wolowitz: [about going with Penny on Thanksgiving] I'd love to, but on Thanksgiving my family comes to my mother's for her famous tur-briska-fil.Penny: Tur-briska-fil?
Howard Wolowitz: Turkey stuffed with brisket stuffed with gefilte fish. It's not as good as it sounds.
Penny: [to Leonard] Hi, honey.
Howard Wolowitz: So we're honey now?
Sheldon Cooper: Ever since her relationship with Leonard became carnal, she has upgraded her term of endearment to honey, delegating the rest of us as sweetie, usually as a veiled attempt to soften an insult.
Penny: You're boring people, sweetie.
Sheldon Cooper: Although sometimes she omits the veil entirely.
Howard Wolowitz: So, what are we watching? Sex and the City? Yikes!
Penny: Hey, I happen to love this movie.
Howard Wolowitz: Fine, let's watch it. Maybe all of our periods will synchronize.
Howard Wolowitz: Well, usually, on Sundays, I go with Raj to scam on hippie chicks at the farmers market, but he's still working with Sheldon, so I thought I'd come over here and make you guys scrambled eggs and salami. It's the perfect meal for apres l'amour.
Howard Wolowitz: Oh, kill me.
Howard Wolowitz: By the way, I couldn't help overhearing your big finish. Bravo, Leonard.
Penny: See, if you had killed me when I said kill me, I wouldn't have had to hear that.
"The Big Bang Theory: The Flaming Spittoon Acquisition (#5.10)" (2011)
Howard Wolowitz: You know, it's amazing people keep coming to comic book stores instead of just downloading the comics digitally.Leonard Hofstadter: It's probably for the best. For a lot of these guys, the weekly trip here is the only chance their mom has to go down to the basement and change their sheets.
Howard Wolowitz: Oh, that reminds me, I get fresh sheets tonight, yay!
Howard Wolowitz: Are you telling me that Sheldon's patented combination of condescension and no sex isn't enough to hold onto a woman?
Howard Wolowitz: I thought you didn't like Facebook anymore.
Sheldon Cooper: Don't be silly. I'm a fan of anything that tries to replaces actual human contact.
Raj Koothrappali: Stuart, help us settle an argument. Who would win in a fight, Billy the Kid or the White Wizard?
Stuart: I could tell you, but then I would be depriving you of the joy of finding out yourselves at the magical, rootin'-tootin' low price of $24.99.
Raj Koothrappali: I'll buy one.
Howard Wolowitz: Make that two.
Leonard Hofstadter: I hate you both and myself. Make it three.
Stuart: [Walking to resgister] Like shooting nerds in a barrel.
"The Big Bang Theory: The Apology Insufficiency (#4.7)" (2010)
Raj Koothrappali: Whoa, whoa, whoa, I don't want to speak to the FBI!Leonard Hofstadter: Why not?
Raj Koothrappali: I'm brown and I talk funny.
Howard Wolowitz: They're just doing a background check on me.
Raj Koothrappali: It doesn't matter. They'll find a reason to give me a one-way ticket back to Gandhi-ville. By the way, when I say that, it's not offensive.
Leonard Hofstadter: Don't be ridiculous, Raj. You're here legally.
Raj Koothrappali: Nobody cares. Do you know how long it's been since I got through airport security without being given a colonoscopy?
Howard Wolowitz: You're giving me a couch cushion?
Sheldon Cooper: No, the cushion is merely symbolic. I'm giving you my spot on the couch.
Sheldon Cooper: But you love that spot.
Howard Wolowitz: No. I love my mother. My feelings for my spot are much greater. It is the singular location in space around which revolves my entire universe. And now it's yours.
[last lines]
Howard Wolowitz: I gotta tell you, Sheldon, I understand why you chose this spot. I mean: the temperature is good but there's no draft, I can see the television but I can still talk th...
Sheldon Cooper: I changed my mind; get out of my spot!
Penny: How long?
Leonard Hofstadter: Ninety-four seconds.
Howard Wolowitz: I see. Well, it's good to know, when I need you guys, I can always count on you to step up and ruin everything.
"The Big Bang Theory: The Creepy Candy Coating Corollary (#3.5)" (2009)
Penny: OK, I gotta go.Leonard Hofstadter: Why?
Penny: Because last time I didn't go, I ended up playing Mystic Warlords of Ka.
Howard Wolowitz: Not Ka, *Ka'a*.
Penny: Buh-aye.
Penny: I just told her you're an aerospace engineer and you speak five languages.
Howard Wolowitz: Six, if you count Klingon.
Leonard Hofstadter: Girls don't count Klingon, Howard. Right?
Penny: Right.
[Howard and Bernadette are out on their first date]
Howard Wolowitz: [Howard's cell phone rings with 'She Blinded Me With Science'] Damn, it's my mother.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Are you going to answer it?
Howard Wolowitz: Well, I'm torn. She might be dying; you know, wouldn't want to miss that. On the other hand, if I let it go to voicemail, I could play it over and over.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: I know how you feel. My mother makes me crazy.
Howard Wolowitz: [laughs it off] Not as crazy as my mother makes me.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Oh, yeah? Does your mother call you every day at work to see if you've had a healthy lunch?
Howard Wolowitz: My mother calls me at work to see if I had a healthy bowel movement.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Okay, well does she lay out your clothes for you in the morning, like you're nine years old?
Howard Wolowitz: You live with your mother?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: No. That's the sad part.
Howard Wolowitz: Oh. Okay, check this out. My mother made me wear rubber gloves to kindergarten so I wouldn't pick up a disease from the other children.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: That's nothing. I couldn't ride a bicycle 'cause my mother was afraid I'd hit a bump and lose my virginity.
Howard Wolowitz: Oh, wow. You didn't, did you?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Not on a bicycle. In a Camry.
Howard Wolowitz: Corolla! More wine?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: I'd love some.
Howard Wolowitz: Listen, you have to come to shabbos dinner at my house sometime.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Why?
Howard Wolowitz: Well, a Catholic girl like you wearing a big cross like that might just give my mother the big brain aneurysm I've been hoping for.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Okay. But only if you come to Sunday dinner at my house wearing a yarmulke.
Howard Wolowitz: It's a date.
[they laugh and clink wine glasses]
Penny: Am I a matchmaker or what?
[first lines]
Howard Wolowitz: All right, Raj has played his Phantom Warlord card. And I am going to back him up with my Strangling Vines.
[in Jar Jar Binks accent]
Howard Wolowitz: Choke on that, Sucka!
Leonard Hofstadter: Okay. Well then, I'll just *cut* your Vines with my Ruby Sword. That's right, I did it, I cut 'em.
Penny: Um... I have a question.
Leonard Hofstadter: Warlord beats Troll; Troll beats Elf; Elf beats Water Sprite, and basically everything beats Enchanted Bunny.
Howard Wolowitz: Unless you have the Carrot of Power.
Penny: Okay, I've got another question. When does this get fun?
Howard Wolowitz: Are we going to talk or are we going to play Mystic Warlords of Ka'a?
"The Big Bang Theory: The Toast Derivation (#4.17)" (2011)
[Usual gang and Priya are gossiping about Sheldon]Howard Wolowitz: Raj, did you ever tell your sister about the time Sheldon got punched by Bill Gates?
Priya: Oh, God! You're kidding?
Raj Koothrappali: Nope. Gates gave a speech at the university. Sheldon went up to him afterward and said, "Maybe if you weren't so distracted by sick children in Africa, you could've put a little more thought into Windows Vista."
[all laugh]
Leonard Hofstadter: Bam! Right in the nose. Made me proud to own a PC.
[Sheldon has come over to Raj's after his get-together didn't go the way he wanted it to]
Sheldon Cooper: [knocking on front door] All my friends?
[knocking]
Sheldon Cooper: All my friends?
[knocking]
Sheldon Cooper: All my friends?
Howard Wolowitz: I think it's like "Beetlejuice"; we said his name too many times.
Priya: Sheldon's a bit quirky, isn't he?
Howard Wolowitz: Oh please, that crazy bastard is looking at quirky in the rearview mirror.
Howard Wolowitz: I think it's like Beetlejuice. We said his name too many times.
"The Big Bang Theory: The Cooper-Nowitzki Theorem (#2.6)" (2008)
Sheldon Cooper: [to female grad student] Amazing! An intelligent labradoodle.Howard Wolowitz: [to same grad student] Woof.
[Sheldon has just accepted a graduate student's request for dinner in his place]
Sheldon Cooper: What a nice girl.
Howard Wolowitz: Sheldon, do you have any idea what just happened?
Sheldon Cooper: Yes, apparently I'm getting a free dinner.
Penny: I know this is none of my business, but I just... I have to ask - what's Sheldon's deal?
Leonard Hofstadter: What do you mean, "deal"?
Penny: You know, like, what's his deal? Is it girls...? Guys...? Sock puppets...?
Leonard Hofstadter: Honestly, we've been operating under the assumption that he has no deal.
Penny: Come on, everybody has a deal.
Howard Wolowitz: Not Sheldon. Over the years, we've formulated many theories about how he might reproduce. I'm an advocate of mitosis.
Penny: I'm sorry?
Howard Wolowitz: I believe one day Sheldon will eat an enormous amount of Thai food and split into two Sheldons.
Leonard Hofstadter: On the other hand, I think Sheldon might be the larval form of his species. Someday he'll spin a cocoon and emerge two months later with moth wings and an exoskeleton.
Penny: Okay, well, thanks for the nightmares.
Rajesh Koothrappali: I love this time of the year. The leaves are turning... there's a bracing chill in the air...
Howard Wolowitz: Plus, there's a whole new crop of female grad students about to put on just enough winter weight to make them needy and vulnerable.
"The Big Bang Theory: The Adhesive Duck Deficiency (#3.8)" (2009)
Rajesh Koothrappali: If I could speak the language of rabbits, they would be amazed and I would be their king.Leonard Hofstadter: I hate my name. It has "nerd" in it. Len-nerd.
Howard Wolowitz: I lost my virginity to my cousin Jeannie.
Rajesh Koothrappali: I would be kind to my rabbit subjects... at first.
Leonard Hofstadter: You know what's a cool name? Angelo. That has "angel" and "jello" in it.
Howard Wolowitz: It was my uncle Murray's funeral. We were all back at my aunt Barbara's house. Our eyes locked over the pickled herring. We never meant for it to happen!
Rajesh Koothrappali: One day, I hold a great ball for the President of France, but the rabbits they hate me and don't come. I'm embarrassed so I eat all the lettuce in the world and make them watch.
Leonard Hofstadter: People could call me Angie. Yo, Angie! How's it goin'?
Howard Wolowitz: To this day, I can't look at pickled herring without being aroused and ashamed.
[sighs]
Howard Wolowitz: Cousin Jeannie.
Howard Wolowitz: Too bad Sheldon couldn't come with us.
Rajesh Koothrappali: Yeah, it's just not the same without him.
[Leonard, Rajesh and Howard break up laughing]
[first lines]
Howard Wolowitz: How much time do we have?
Leonard Hofstadter: Uh, T minus five hours thirty-seven minutes to onset of meteor shower.
Rajesh Koothrappali: Okay, our position is thirty-four point forty-eight degrees north, a hundred and eighteen point thirty-one west; that means the azimuth should be a hundred and sixty-eight point twenty-two degrees relative to magnetic north with an elevation of forty-nine point nighty-three.
Howard Wolowitz: Anything yet?
Leonard Hofstadter: Uh, we have a signal but there's no frame lock.
Howard Wolowitz: Hang on. How 'bout... now?
Rajesh Koothrappali: We did it. We have the west coast feed of HBO.
Howard Wolowitz: Mmm, Real Sex.
Rajesh Koothrappali: Big deal. Every time I watch that show it's old women putting condoms on cucumbers.
[last lines]
Rajesh Koothrappali: And the next morning, when he woke up, he rolled over and realized... don, don, don... she was his cousin.
[Leonard and Raj laugh hysterically]
Howard Wolowitz: That's still not funny.
Rajesh Koothrappali: [mimicking Howard] That's still not funny.
[they laugh even harder]
Howard Wolowitz: And she was my *second* cousin.
Rajesh Koothrappali: And she was my *second* cousin.
[more laughing]
Howard Wolowitz: You're a real douche.
Rajesh Koothrappali: Who cares! You slept with your *cousin*!
[Leonard and Raj laugh hysterically again]
"The Big Bang Theory: The Deception Verification (#7.2)" (2013)
Howard Wolowitz: What were they thinking, putting Dr. Octopus's mind into Spiderman's body?Raj Koothrappali: Well, I've been quite enjoying that. It combines all the superhero fun of Spiderman with all the body-switching shenanigans of 'Freaky Friday'... both versions, original and Lohan.
Howard Wolowitz: [mimicking Raj] "Both versions, original and Lohan." You're an idiot.
[last lines]
Sheldon Cooper: And then Leonard took me to the barber and the dentist. and then to cap off the perfect day the Las Angeles Bureau of Weights and Measures.
Leonard Hofstadter: I thought the Measures were going to be the stars of the show; turns out it was the Weights.
Penny: I'm so glad you guys are friends again.
Sheldon Cooper: Eh, I'm glad you and I are friends again too.
Penny: Aw.
Sheldon Cooper: Which reminds me, this came in the mail, and I want you to have it.
[he hands her a coupon]
Penny: [reads] "Fifty cents off Vagisil."
Sheldon Cooper: Think of me when you apply it.
Raj Koothrappali: Can I just say: I've missed all of us hanging out together.
Sheldon Cooper, Bernadette Rostenkowski, Howard Wolowitz, Amy Farrah Fowler: Yeah.
Penny: Me too
Leonard Hofstadter: Um, since when can Koothrappali talk in front of the girls without a beer?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Oh, that happened right after you left.
Sheldon Cooper: And no-one told me?
Howard Wolowitz: [starting to weep] Can't believe we forgot to tell him.
Penny: Ahem!
[hands Howard the coupon]
Penny: Think of Sheldon when you apply it.
Howard Wolowitz: I've been putting on a lot of weight lately. I had to buy these pants in the men's section.
Raj Koothrappali: Well, we've all seen your mother. That Butterball turkey was bound to come home to roost eventually.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: This is very potent estrogen cream. Have you been wearing gloves when applying this?
Howard Wolowitz: Like gloves would fit these fat sausages.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Your skin has been absorbing estrogen. That's why you've been all bloated and moody and a giant pain in the ass.
Howard Wolowitz: But you're full of estrogen and you don't act like that.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: That's because I'm a woman. I've had years of practice riding the dragon.
"The Big Bang Theory: The Robotic Manipulation (#4.1)" (2010)
Sheldon Cooper: Amy pointed out that between the two of us, our genetic material has the potential of creating the first in a line of intellectually superior benign overlords to guide humanity to a brighter tomorrow.Howard Wolowitz: I'm guessing future historians will comdemn us for not taking this opportunity to kill Sheldon.
Althea: What is this?
Howard Wolowitz: It's a robot arm.
Althea: Where's the rest of the robot?
Howard Wolowitz: I just built the arm.
Althea: Because that's all you needed, right?
Althea: I need a orderly with a wheelchair. I got a robot hand grasping a man's penis out here.
Howard Wolowitz: You think you could you be a little more discreet?
Althea: I'm sorry, we don't have a code for "robot hand grasping a man's penis".
Raj Koothrappali: [skeptically] You slipped and fell into a robot hand.
Howard Wolowitz: [embarrassed about what he was really doing] Yes.
Raj Koothrappali: Penis first?
Howard Wolowitz: Yes. Now, help me!
Leonard Hofstadter: I'd suggest a lubricant, but I have a feeling you fell on some of that, as well.
"The Big Bang Theory: The Recombination Hypothesis (#5.13)" (2012)
Howard Wolowitz: Ooh, 8:30. You and Penny decide to go out and paint the town beige?Leonard Hofstadter: You're 30 years old and you live with your mother!
Raj Koothrappali: I guess it didn't go well.
Sheldon Cooper: Now, we don't know that. Not to a certainty. All we know is that Leonard is home.
[Leonard groans loudly from his room]
Howard Wolowitz: How about now?
Sheldon Cooper: Again, not enough evidence. For all we know, he's being murdered.
Sheldon Cooper: You want to know my opinion?
Leonard Hofstadter: [Sarcastic] Oh boy, do I!
Sheldon Cooper: [to Howard] Sarcasm?
Howard Wolowitz: [Spiteful] No.
Raj Koothrappali: If they ever make a movie version of that book, you know who should play Leonard's mother? Sandra Bullock.
Howard Wolowitz: Why?
Raj Koothrappali: Because she's great in everything.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Boy, I don't know if I could be friends with Howie if we broke up.
Howard Wolowitz: Why not.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: I'm a very vengeful person.
Howard Wolowitz: Really?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: With access to weaponized smallpox.
"The Big Bang Theory: The Vegas Renormalization (#2.21)" (2009)
Howard Wolowitz: Are you from the Star Wars universe?Leonard Hofstadter: Yes.
Howard Wolowitz: Were you in the original trilogy?
Leonard Hofstadter: Yes.
Howard Wolowitz: Is there a picture of you in my wallet wearing a metal bikini?
Leonard Hofstadter: God, I hope not. And no, I'm not Princess Leia.
Rajesh Koothrappali: OK, OK, my turn. Are you in all six Star Wars movies?
Leonard Hofstadter: Yes.
Rajesh Koothrappali: Interesting. Are you a droid?
Leonard Hofstadter: Yes.
Rajesh Koothrappali: Do you kind of look like a shiny Sheldon?
Leonard Hofstadter: Yes!
Rajesh Koothrappali: C-3PO!
Leonard Hofstadter: You got it!
Sheldon Cooper: [talking and moving in a manner reminiscent of C-3PO] That's preposterous. I do not resemble C-3PO! Don't get me wrong, I'm flattered. I just don't see it.
Rajesh Koothrappali: What do you say, Howard?
Howard Wolowitz: I say, Vegas, baby!
Rajesh Koothrappali: What are you gonna tell your mother?
Howard Wolowitz: Sea World, baby!
Sheldon Cooper: [Howard is crying after Leslie dumps him] I don't understand. If you were in a non-emotional relationship, then why are you having what appears to be an emotional response?
Leonard Hofstadter: Sheldon, he obviously had feelings for her.
Howard Wolowitz: Of course I had feelings for her. I saw her naked, for God's sake.
Howard Wolowitz: [about Leslie's Facebook page] Look at her status update. She's saying she dumped me; people need to know I dumped her.
Rajesh Koothrappali: But she did dump you.
Howard Wolowitz: Grow up, Raj. There's no place for truth on the Internet.
"The Big Bang Theory: The Spaghetti Catalyst (#3.20)" (2010)
Howard Wolowitz: The point is, you have to take sides. Are you on Team Penny or Team Leonard?Sheldon Cooper: Which team picks last?
Howard Wolowitz: What?
Sheldon Cooper: In high school, I was always in the team that picks last, unless there was a kid in a wheelchair.
Raj Koothrappali: Sure, he's over it. That's why he's been trying to invent that memory wiping device from "Men in Black".
Sheldon Cooper: Is he making any progress? Because I'd like to erase Ben Affleck as Daredevil.
Howard Wolowitz: So would Ben Affleck.
Raj Koothrappali: Here's a question, Howard. Don't you think you're going to Hell for eating sweet-and-sour pork?
Howard Wolowitz: Jews don't have Hell. We have acid reflux.
Leonard Hofstadter: What about you, Raj?
Raj Koothrappali: Oh, so now that you have no choice you want to hang out with me?
Leonard Hofstadter: Raj, we always hang out.
Raj Koothrappali: Oh, please. You know I'm the one you call when no one else will. If we were the Justice League, I'd be Aquaman.
Howard Wolowitz: I wish you were Aquaman. Then you could retrieve my mother from the old lady tank.
"The Big Bang Theory: The Zarnecki Incursion (#4.19)" (2011)
Howard Wolowitz: [Sheldon is holding a Klingon Bat'leth] Why did you bring that?Sheldon Cooper: No weapon strikes more fear into a man's heart than a Klingon bat'leth.
Leonard Hofstadter: OK, let's get clear on something. We're just gonna tell this guy to transfer all of your stuff back into your account and then be on our way. No one's "batlething" anybody.
Sheldon Cooper: So my blade shall not taste blood tonight?
Leonard Hofstadter: No.
Sheldon Cooper: Well, now I just feel silly holding it.
Howard Wolowitz: [while playing World of Warcraft] Alright, here we are; this is the tavern where all the black-market weapon trades go down.
Raj Koothrappali: I don't think my character should be in a place like this; everyone's undressing her with their eyes.
Howard Wolowitz: Maybe if you stop dropping your sword and bending over to pick it up!
Raj Koothrappali: [while on a road-trip] I took the liberty of burning us a mix of heroic questing music.
Sheldon Cooper: This says Beyoncé Bootylicious Dance Mix.
Raj Koothrappali: It's a rewritable CD, just put it in.
Howard Wolowitz: Beyoncé, really?
Raj Koothrappali: She's curvy and she's owns it. I like that.
Howard Wolowitz: No-one can hide from me: not Waldo, not Carmen Sandiego, not even topless Natalie Portman.
"The Big Bang Theory: The Tenure Turbulence (#6.20)" (2013)
Raj Koothrappali: Unbelievable! You have some nerve showing up here just to schmooze with the tenure committee.Sheldon Cooper: You're here.
Raj Koothrappali: Excuse me. I'm here to pay my respects to Professor Tupperware or whatever his name is.
Sheldon Cooper: So am I. His passing makes me feel bad.
Leonard Hofstadter: Well, well, well, Sheldon, fancy meeting you here. I guess the train store in Glendale wasn't having a cotillion after all.
[to Raj]
Leonard Hofstadter: And you. You said you weren't coming here either.
Raj Koothrappali: I have a thick accent. You don't know what I said.
Amy Farrah Fowler: I'd like to know why Penny's here.
Penny: I'm here to support my man, just like you.
Sheldon Cooper: What are you going to do? Take people's drink orders and get them wrong?
Leonard Hofstadter: Do it!
[Penny slips off her coat and is wearing a short black dress with prominently displayed breasts. Raj stares at her]
Sheldon Cooper: What? Did she do it yet?
Amy Farrah Fowler: She plans on flirting with members of the tenure committee to further Leonard's cause.
Sheldon Cooper: Well, that's a fine how do you do. Don't just stand there, take your breasts out.
Howard Wolowitz: Ooooohh, meerkat fight.
Amy Farrah Fowler: You're all wasting your time. Sheldon is the most qualified for the job, and no amount of gravity defying bosom's going to change that. Seriously, is that tape? Like how are they staying up like that?
Leonard Hofstadter: Way to hit 'em with both barrels.
Raj Koothrappali: You two should be ashamed of yourselves. Using women to advance your cause with sexuality and whatever Amy plans on doing.
[first lines]
Leonard Hofstadter: I was reading about this jellyfish that never dies; instead it reverts to its asexual and then grows up again.
Howard Wolowitz: We thought my ninety-year-old grandfather had reverted to an asexual state, but the lawsuit from his Jamaican caregiver proved us all wrong.
Leonard Hofstadter: My point is immortality is not only a possibility; it is real.
Raj Koothrappali: Only if you're this jellyfish, which periodically reverts to a mass of undifferentiated protoplasm.
Sheldon Cooper: If I could keep my Gmail account I'd be OK with that.
Barry Kripke: Wemember when we were twying to figure out what that smell coming fwom Pwofessor Tupperman's office was?
Howard Wolowitz: Yeah.
Barry Kripke: Turns out it was Tupperman. Dead at his desk for two weeks.
Howard Wolowitz, Leonard Hofstadter, Raj Koothrappali: Ugh.
Barry Kripke: In wieu of fwowers, the department chair is asking that everyone donate a bottle of Febweze.
"The Big Bang Theory: The Large Hadron Collision (#3.15)" (2010)
[first lines]Howard Wolowitz: [on cellphone] ... Sweetie. Uh, listen, I need to go, but I'll see you tonight? Bye-bye. Bye-bye. B- No, *you* hang up first. Hello?
Raj Koothrappali: Dude, I'm glad you finally got a girlfriend, but do you *have* to do that lovey-dovey stuff in front of those of us who don't?
Sheldon Cooper: Actually, he might have to. There's an economic concept known as a positional good, in which an object is only valued by the possessor because it's not possessed by others. The term was coined in 1976 by economist Fred Hirsch to replace the more colloquial but less precise "neener-neener".
Leonard Hofstadter: Come on, what would you guys do if you were me?
Howard Wolowitz: I'd take Sheldon to Switzerland.
Leonard Hofstadter: Seriouly?
Howard Wolowitz: Absolutely. And I'd leave him there.
Howard Wolowitz: Sorry I couldn't hang with you last night; I had a date with Bernadette.
Raj Koothrappali: I know. I saw the tweet.
"The Big Bang Theory: The 21-Second Excitation (#4.8)" (2010)
Penny: How does an archeology professor get that good with a whip?Howard Wolowitz: Maybe he took a class at the adult bookstore. That's how I learned.
Penny: I think I'll pass, but you guys enjoy your extra 21 seconds.
Leonard Hofstadter: I bet if I could make you understand why this is such a cool thing, we'd still be together.
Penny: Hmm... yeah, no we wouldn't.
[Raj whispers something to Howard]
Howard Wolowitz: Uh-huh. I'm guessing 21 seconds had something to do with that, too.
Howard Wolowitz: Are you sure you don't want to come with us to "Raiders"?
Bernadette: Oh, no. That movie has melting faces. It reminds me too much of the time I dropped that vial of flesh-eating bacteria into the Rhesus monkey lab.
"The Big Bang Theory: The Shiny Trinket Maneuver (#5.12)" (2012)
Sheldon Cooper: Coins lodged in body parts is not a source of amusement. When I was five, Billy Sparks put a Mexican Peso up my nose.Howard Wolowitz: How is that not amusing?
Sheldon Cooper: It's still there. Takes me 45 minutes to get through airport security.
Howard Wolowitz: Look, I made Sheldon disappear, tada!
Leonard Hofstadter: Next time you should open with that.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: It's obvious having kids is really important to you and I think I came up with a solution.
Howard Wolowitz: Really? That's great. What?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Well, seeing as how I make way more money than you anyway, what if I worked and you stayed home with the kids?
Howard Wolowitz: Me?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Yeah. You know, you watch Barney and pull Cheerios out of their noses and go on play dates, and I'll work and have conversations with people my own age and enjoy my life.
Sheldon Cooper: Is this how you're going to entertain children, by lying to them?
Howard Wolowitz: How is this lying?
Sheldon Cooper: A magic show is an inherently deceitful proposition. "This is an ordinary tophat." "You've chosen that card freely." "I do not have a set of lock picks lodged in my keister."
Raj Koothrappali: Can't you just enjoy the wonder, Sheldon? Why must you peek behind the curtain, or up the butt?
"The Big Bang Theory: The Anything Can Happen Recurrence (#7.21)" (2014)
Raj Koothrappali: I was thinking we could watch a DVD.Howard Wolowitz: Well, my mother doesn't have a lot of choices. Unless you want to watch a video of her colonoscopy. Spoiler alert: twenty minutes in, they find a prune pit.
Raj Koothrappali: [pauses movie] Okay, so in the last twenty minutes we've seen a crazy woman kiss a fetus in a jar, a man cut in half and sewn to a fish...
Howard Wolowitz: The dismemberment of a rotisserie chicken by my mother. On the plus side, I don't think she saw the film.
Raj Koothrappali: Why can't I be in a relationship with a girl who likes Sound of Music?
Howard Wolowitz: Raj, you are the girl in the relationship who likes Sound of Music.
"The Big Bang Theory: The Werewolf Transformation (#5.18)" (2012)
Bernadette Rostenkowski: [about Howard's survival training] Do you sleep in tents?Howard Wolowitz: No. I slept in a hole I dug in the ground, with my bare hands. And at some point during the night, an armadillo crawled in... and spooned me.
Howard Wolowitz: [Describing survival training] I ate a butterfly. It was so small... beautiful... I was so hungry.
Howard Wolowitz: [Describing survival training] I'm severely dehydrated.
[embarrassed pause]
Howard Wolowitz: My pee is like toothpaste.
"The Big Bang Theory: The Hesitation Ramification (#7.12)" (2014)
Amy Farrah Fowler: It's nice that we all get to eat together.[the guys mumble in agreement]
Amy Farrah Fowler: Can we maybe put the phones down and have an actual human conversation?
Sheldon Cooper: We can, but thanks to Steve Jobs we don't have to.
Penny: Guys, guys. You're never going to believe this.
Leonard Hofstadter: What happened?
Penny: I just got a job on a TV show.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Congratulations.
Leonard Hofstadter: That's great. Guys!
[Guys mumble acknowledgement]
Howard Wolowitz: What's the show?
Penny: NCII or you know NCSC. I don't know. It's the one with all the letters and I'm going to be on it.
Leonard Hofstadter: That's amazing.
Howard Wolowitz: What's your part?
Penny: I play a customer in a diner and I flirt with Mark Harmon.
Raj Koothrappali: Ooooh. Mark Harmon. He's a dreamboat.
Leonard Hofstadter: So it's just flirting.
Penny: Yea, why?
Leonard Hofstadter: No reason. I just think it's sexier when left to the imagination.
Penny: Oh.
Amy Farrah Fowler: He's wrong.
Penny: Are you kidding me?
Leonard Hofstadter: Really because...
Penny: Well... the diner scene. Where's my diner scene?
Sheldon Cooper: Well, don't ask me. Until I see the prequel, I'm lost.
Penny: No. This was supposed the big scene with me and Mark Harmon, but it's... it's gone.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: What happened?
Penny: They must have cut it.
Leonard Hofstadter: Oh, Penny. I'm sorry.
Howard Wolowitz: That stinks.
Raj Koothrappali: I'm sure you were great.
Penny: This doesn't make any sense to me. I mean... I thought I did a really good job. I... Excuse me.
Howard Wolowitz: Vader is here now on this moon. I felt his presence. He has come for me. He can feel when I'm near.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: How many times do I have to tell you to replace the toilet paper when it's empty?
Howard Wolowitz: I'm in the middle of something!
Bernadette Rostenkowski: So am I!
"The Big Bang Theory: The Date Night Variable (#6.1)" (2012)
Howard Wolowitz: Mom, everyone at NASA can hear this call.Mrs. Wolowitz: Good! They can hear what a horrible son you are!
Howard Wolowitz: Okay, nice talking to you! Goodbye!
[Hangs up]
Howard Wolowitz: Well, space is ruined.
Dimitri: You realize you just lied to your wife and your mother.
Howard Wolowitz: Of course.
Dimitri: What are you going to tell them when you get back to Earth?
Howard Wolowitz: Oh, I am never going back.
Sheldon Cooper: Whatever it is, his life will never be the same.
[Cut to International Space Station]
Mrs. Wolowitz: [shouting through the phone] Howard! Can you hear me?
Howard Wolowitz: I can hear you without the telephone!
"The Big Bang Theory: The Weekend Vortex (#5.19)" (2012)
[first lines]Raj Koothrappali: Hey, wanna spend some time playing the new Star Wars game this weekend?
Leonard Hofstadter: Mmm, I don't know. I kind of promised myself I'd get off the computer, be more physically active, get some exercise.
Howard Wolowitz: You're about to walk up three flights of stairs.
Leonard Hofstadter: Good point. I'm in!
Raj Koothrappali: You know what would be great? Let's do it like the old days.
Leonard Hofstadter: You talking gaming marathon?
Raj Koothrappali: Yeah! Start Saturday morning, go 48 hours, sleeping bags, junk food...
Howard Wolowitz: Turn off our phones so our moms can't call...
Leonard Hofstadter: It'd be like our World of Warcraft party a few years ago when the neighbors called the cops on us.
Howard Wolowitz: They called the cops because of the smell; they thought we were dead.
Raj Koothrappali: We were bad-ass back in the day.
Leonard Hofstadter: Alright, let's do it!
Howard Wolowitz: 48 hours of Star Wars gaming.
Raj Koothrappali: It's on, like Alderaan!
Howard Wolowitz: You're a grown man! Act like one. Tell Amy you wanna spend the weekend having a sleepover and playing video games with your friends.
[last lines]
Mrs. Wolowitz: [pounds on the door] Howard Joel Wolowitz, I've been worried sick for two days and I know you turned off your phone. You open up this door right now, because I've had it up to here. I have been to the morgue and the hospital, and I've spent the last half hour walking up these farkakte stairs.
Howard Wolowitz: That's my ride. Gotta go.
[Sheldon uses the 'whip-crack' app sound]
"The Big Bang Theory: The Hook-up Reverberation (#8.4)" (2014)
Howard Wolowitz: I hate this place too. I wish Stuart opened his store again.Leonard Hofstadter: [Points to Sheldon] I get why he hates this place. He's an eighty-year old in a fifteen-year-old's T-shirt. You're just upset about Stuart and your mom and all their HBOs.
Howard Wolowitz: I can't watch Game of Thrones anymore without hearing my mother ask "Howard, which one's Thrones?"
Howard Wolowitz: He has my mother buying four-ply now. Four-ply! If his tushy is so delicate, why doesn't he just wipe with an angora rabbit?
Sheldon Cooper: Because they shed and bite.
Raj Koothrappali: We need something to set our comic book store apart.
Leonard Hofstadter: Kids like comic books. We should think of a way to bring in more kids.
Howard Wolowitz: When I was a kid I loved going to the comic book store, but I could never get a ride.
Raj Koothrappali: We could get a van to pick up kids.
Sheldon Cooper: Yes, like at schools and parks.
Raj Koothrappali: And playgrounds and malls.
Leonard Hofstadter: So your idea is to get a van and cruise the streets looking for kids to pick up?
Sheldon Cooper: Yes.
Leonard Hofstadter: And are you going to use candy to lure them in?
Raj Koothrappali: We are now!
"The Big Bang Theory: The Cooper/Kripke Inversion (#6.14)" (2013)
Howard Wolowitz: Bernadette has a great job. My wife came with both funbags and moneybags.Howard Wolowitz: What do you think, Sheldon? Want an action figure that looks just like you?
Sheldon Cooper: Would it come with kung-fu grip?
Howard Wolowitz: No.
Sheldon Cooper: Don't waste my time.
Raj Koothrappali: [Opening the package with his and Howard's action figures] Say hello to an exact scale model of me.
[Raj's figure looks like a black man]
Raj Koothrappali: Ohhh, I'm not dark chocolate! I'm melt-in-your-mouth caramel!
Howard Wolowitz: [Howard's action figure has a huge nose] Oh, man! Look at my nose!
Leonard Hofstadter: Maybe it's a shipping problem.
Howard Wolowitz: What?
Leonard Hofstadter: Yeah. Maybe Wesley Snipes and Toucan Sam just got action figures that look like you guys.
"The Big Bang Theory: The Workplace Proximity (#7.5)" (2013)
Howard Wolowitz: My point is I'm sure there are things about me that would drive you crazy if you had to deal with them all day long.Bernadette Rostenkowski: Like looking me in the eye and lying to me?
Howard Wolowitz: Well, uh, come on, I mean where am I supposed to look when I lie to you?
[last lines]
Leonard Hofstadter: Laser's warmed up.
Howard Wolowitz: Pull!
[Raj throws up a balloon, which Howard bursts using the laser]
Leonard Hofstadter, Howard Wolowitz, Raj Koothrappali, Sheldon Cooper: Yay!
Bernadette Rostenkowski: I may have overacted
Howard Wolowitz: Well, yeah, well. I didn't handle it so great either.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Just sometimes I feel like you enjoy spending time with your friends more than with me.
Howard Wolowitz: That's not true.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: It's not? You spend all day together at work and then you all hang out at night playing games, going to the comic book store. Last week you two got a couple's massage. You said you wouldn't want to spend that much time with me, it really hurt my feelings.
Howard Wolowitz: Oh wow, yeah, I get that. I'm so sorry. Starting tomorrow I am turning over a new leaf. Being with you is my number one priority.
"The Big Bang Theory: The Tangible Affection Proof (#6.16)" (2013)
Howard Wolowitz: I was trying to come up with something really romantic to give Bernadette for Valentine's Day, since she's been such a pain in the ass.Leonard Hofstadter: Can't find a card that says that?
Howard Wolowitz: Check it out; I used the atomic force microscope in the materials science lab and wrote our initials in a heart one one-thousandth the size of a grain of sand.
Leonard Hofstadter: Oh-hoho, that's cool.
Howard Wolowitz: A micro-valentine for a microbiologist.
Leonard Hofstadter: From her micro-husband.
Howard Wolowitz: She hid my X-Box like I'm a child. Yeah, and my mum got me that for my birthday, so if you don't give it back I'm telling.
Howard Wolowitz: So where'd you hide it?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Where you'd never look.
Howard Wolowitz: Damn it, it's in the washing machine.
"The Big Bang Theory: The Holographic Excitation (#6.5)" (2012)
Howard Wolowitz: Astronaut Wolowitz reporting for booty.Bernadette Rostenkowski: What's that?
Howard Wolowitz: It's just a video Raj sent me of Buzz Aldrin.
Buzz Aldrin: [Handing out Halloween candy to trick-or-treaters] Here's a Milky Way. The Milky Way is a galaxy in space. I've been to space. Here's a Mars bar. I'm an astronaut. This one's a Moon Pie. I've walked on the moon. What have you done?
Howard Wolowitz: Okay, I get it.
Sheldon Cooper: It's fascinating. Let me see if I can duplicate the result. Howard, I've always thought the lemon was an underrated fruit. Care to weigh in?
Howard Wolowitz: Not really.
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, well.
Howard Wolowitz: You know, people say the Soyuz capsule was a lemon. But, hey, that baby got me to space and back.
"The Big Bang Theory: The Irish Pub Formulation (#4.6)" (2010)
Howard Wolowitz: This is the worst cobbler I've ever eaten. It tastes like it's made of actual ground-up shoe maker.Raj Koothrappali: My sister is much hotter than your girlfriend, and you know it.
Howard Wolowitz: Let's just agree they're both hot.
Raj Koothrappali: What - ? Dude, that's my sister you're talking about!
Howard Wolowitz: [learning Leonard slept with Raj's sister Priya] I would never do that. Unlike him, I respect you.
Leonard Hofstadter: [skeptically] Really. Was it out of respect that you didn't tell him you accidentally dropped his iPhone in a urinal?
Raj Koothrappali: [in outrage/disgust] Dude, I put that thing on my face!
"The Big Bang Theory: The Tangerine Factor (#1.17)" (2008)
Howard Wolowitz: I'm so glad you're learning Mandarin.Sheldon: Why?
Howard Wolowitz: Because then you'll have a billion people to annoy instead of me.
Raj Koothrappali: Look, I found an iPod.
Howard Wolowitz: It's broken beyond repair. What are you going to do with it?
Raj Koothrappali: What else? Sell it on eBay as slightly used.
Sheldon: I think I need another Mandarin lesson. I don't think I got through to them.
Howard Wolowitz: For heaven's sake, if you don't like the tangerine chicken, don't order the tangerine chicken.
Sheldon: I like tangerine chicken, I'm just not getting tangerine chicken.
"The Big Bang Theory: The Spoiler Alert Segmentation (#6.15)" (2013)
Raj Koothrappali: Has Bernadette found a cure for something?Howard Wolowitz: In a way. She was working on a dandruff shampoo that has the unfortunate side effect of horrible anal leakage.
Raj Koothrappali: That's too bad. But then, is there any good anal leakage?
Howard Wolowitz: On the upside, they decided to market it as a constipation remedy.
Raj Koothrappali: Way to make lemonade. You know, around the corner where fudge is made.
Howard Wolowitz: Seriously, if you don't leave now you'll never get out.
Raj Koothrappali: I can leave anytime I want to.
Howard Wolowitz: Oh, yeah? Where are your clothes and shoes right now?
Raj Koothrappali: They're in that chair right over...
[looks at chair; the clothes are not there]
Raj Koothrappali: Oy, vey!
Mrs. Wolowitz: I drew you a bath!
Raj Koothrappali: Oh, my God! She's not going to bathe me, is she?
Howard Wolowitz: I wish I could tell you no.
"The Big Bang Theory: The Thespian Catalyst (#4.14)" (2011)
Leonard Hofstadter: I found another tweet from a student at Sheldon's lecture: "Dr. Cooper has taken a relatively boring subject and managed to make it completely insufferable. Plus, he looks like a giant insect."Howard Wolowitz: Listen to this one: "Does Einstein's theory explain why time flies when you're having fun, but when you're listening to Dr. Cooper, it falls out of the sky dead?"
Sheldon Cooper: I didn't wanna teach those poopy heads anyway!
Howard Wolowitz: FYI, I think that's what Darth Vader said just before he started building the Death Star.
Howard Wolowitz: Bernadette has needs.
Raj Koothrappali: What kind of needs?
Howard Wolowitz: Sexual needs.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Most of them regular, some of them kind of messed up.
"The Big Bang Theory: The Grasshopper Experiment (#1.8)" (2007)
Wolowitz: Is it just me, or does web chatting with your clothes on seem a little pointless.Raj Koothrappali: [to Sheldon] If you do not stop hitting on my lady, you will feel the full extent of my wrath!
Leonard: I'm not hitting on her!
Lalita: And I am not your lady!
Wolowitz: And you have no wrath.
Howard Wolowitz: I bet they love "Scrubs".
Sheldon: What's there not to love.
"The Big Bang Theory: The Pork Chop Indeterminacy (#1.15)" (2008)
Howard Wolowitz: Is is because I'm Jewish? Because I would kill my rabbi with a pork chop to get Missy.Sheldon Cooper: It has nothing to do with religion. It has to do with the fact that you're a tiny man who lives with his mother.
Howard Wolowitz: You have Penny.
Leonard Hofstadter: I don't have Penny. In what conceivable universe do I have Penny?
Howard Wolowitz: So I can have her then?
Leonard Hofstadter: No!
Leonard Hofstadter: Maybe she's his lawyer.
Howard Wolowitz: I'd like her to inspect my briefs.
Leonard Hofstadter: Howard...
Howard Wolowitz: I know, I'm disgusting. I need to be punished. By her. Oh, I did it again.
"The Big Bang Theory: The Herb Garden Germination (#4.20)" (2011)
Sheldon: I've been thinking about Dr.Green's efforts to make science palatable for the masses.Leonard: Yeah? What about it?
Sheldon: That's all. I've just been thinking about it. Now I'm thinking about fractal equations. Now I'm thinking about the origin of the phrase "train of thought." Now I'm thinking about trains.
Raj Koothrappali: Are you listening to this guy?
Howard Wolowitz: Hmm? Oh, I'm sorry, I was somewhere else.
Leonard: Lucky bastard!
Sheldon: Now I'm thinking about Jell-o.
[about Bernadette]
Howard Wolowitz: Her freakishly small hands make anything look big. It's one of the reasons I love her.
Howard Wolowitz: Hey, everybody, I got something I want to ask Bernadette, and I can't think of a better time than when I'm with all my friends.
Leonard: Oh, hold on, Howard. There's lots of better times.
Raj Koothrappali: Leonard, please. The man is talking. Let him get it out, and let the chips fall where they may.
Howard Wolowitz: Thank you. Bernadette Maryann Rostenkowski...
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Oh, God. What's happening?
Howard Wolowitz: I know things haven't been perfect with us, and we've had our problems, but I just have to tell you, from the moment I...
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Howard, let me just stop you right here.
Raj Koothrappali: This is it.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Yes.
Howard Wolowitz: Yes, what?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Yes, I will marry you.
Howard Wolowitz: You will?
Raj Koothrappali: You will?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: I will. I will!
Howard Wolowitz: Oh, I love you so much.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Oh, I love you, too.
Leonard: Congratulations!
Priya Koothrappali: Oh, it's so exciting.
"The Big Bang Theory: The Barbarian Sublimation (#2.3)" (2008)
Leonard Hofstadter: [watching fluid bounce on a stereo speaker] Hey, check it out. It's just cornstarch and water.Sheldon Cooper: They make up a non-Newtonian fluid which is liquid, but it's solid under the percussive action of the speaker.
Howard Wolowitz: That's what makes it get all funky.
Raj Koothrappali: It's like some kind of weird comic book crossover.
Howard Wolowitz: Like if Hulk were dating Peppermint Patty.
Raj Koothrappali: I always thought Peppermint Patty was a lesbian.
Leonard Hofstadter: No, that's Marcie. Peppermint Patty is just athletic.
[last lines]
Howard Wolowitz: [speaking through an avatar] Hello, fair Penny.
Penny: Who are you?
Howard Wolowitz: It is I, Sir Howard of Wolowitz. Can I interest you in an afternoon of spirited questing, followed by a flagon of ale at yon virtual tavern?
Penny: Yeah, sure, why not?
Penny: [looking up from her laptop with a horrified expression] Oh my God, I need help.
[shuts laptop and pushes it away]
"The Big Bang Theory: The Proton Transmogrification (#7.22)" (2014)
Sheldon Cooper: Gentlemen, since Star Wars' Day is rapidly approaching we should finalize our plans.Penny: That's a real thing? What is it? Star Wars' Christmas?
Howard Wolowitz: No, don't be ridiculous. That's Wookie Life Day.
Howard Wolowitz: Are you upset or just rebooting?
Howard Wolowitz: Some of the physical comedy of Jar-Jar is tough to watch.
Leonard Hofstadter: At least they toned him down in the second one.
Penny: Yeah, he is pretty stupid.
Raj Koothrappali: Hey, we can say it. You can't.
"The Big Bang Theory: The Rothman Disintegration (#5.17)" (2012)
Barry Kripke: How does it work?Sheldon Cooper: Oh, it's very simple. Scissors cuts paper, paper covers rock, rock crushes Lizard, Lizard poisons Spock, Spock smashes scissors, scissors decapitates Lizard, Lizard eats paper, paper disproves Spock, Spock vaperizes rock, and as it always has, rock crushes scissors.
Barry Kripke: I'm sorry, can you repeat that?
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, of course. Scissors cuts paper, paper covers rock, rock crushes Lizard, Lizard poisons Spock, Spock smashes scissors, scissors decapitates Lizard, Lizard eats paper, paper disproves Spock, Spock vaperizes rock, and as it always has, rock crushes scissors.
Barry Kripke: Almost got it. One more time?
Sheldon Cooper: Sure! Scissors cuts paper, paper covers rock...
Howard Wolowitz: Hey, Sheldon!
Sheldon Cooper: ...rock crushes...
Howard Wolowitz: Stop. He's screwing with you.
Sheldon Cooper: Is he? Well, then, seems we have reached an impasse. I see no other option than to challenge you to a duel. I'd smack you with a glove, but just last week, I packed away my winter things.
Howard Wolowitz: It's a shame Professor Rothman was forced to step down.
Leonard Hofstadter: What choice did the university have? He snapped. It happens to theoretical physicists all the time.
Howard Wolowitz: I wonder how long Sheldon's got?
Sheldon Cooper: These shrimp are all the same size. There is no logical order to eat them in.
[Throws shrimp away]
Leonard Hofstadter: It can't be very long.
Howard Wolowitz: Sheldon was higher.
Leonard Hofstadter: Congratulations Sheldon. You win the office.
Sheldon Cooper: Who's unsatisfactory in P.E. now?
"The Big Bang Theory: The Occupation Recalibration (#7.13)" (2014)
Howard Wolowitz: Sounds like you have a boyfriend.Amy Farrah Fowler: He's not my boyfriend.
Raj Koothrappali: Are you sure? He's tall, pale, and awkward. That sounds like your type.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Should someone as lonely as you really be making fun of me?
Raj Koothrappali: Yeah, Howard! What is wrong with you?
Howard Wolowitz: You know, we can tell Bert for you.
Amy Farrah Fowler: You'd do that for me?
Howard Wolowitz: Sure. We've been in his shoes, we'll let him down easy.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Thank you, guys.
Raj Koothrappali: No problem.
[as they walk out]
Raj Koothrappali: So we'll tell him she's a lesbian.
Howard Wolowitz: Of course we'll tell him she's a lesbian!
Howard Wolowitz: Does he know you're going out with Sheldon?
Amy Farrah Fowler: No. It hasn't come up.
Raj Koothrappali: Does Sheldon know you're going out with Sheldon?
Amy Farrah Fowler: I'm sorry, who are you dating?
Raj Koothrappali: Cut it out, Howard! God!
"The Big Bang Theory: The Cooper Extraction (#7.11)" (2013)
Raj Koothrappali: So Star Wars and Star Trek characters can go on the same branch?Leonard Hofstadter: I know, it's crazy. Welcome to the Thunderdome, people!
[they cheer]
Howard Wolowitz: I've never done this before. It's kind of fun.
Raj Koothrappali: If your Mom could see her little Bar mitzvah boy right now she'd have a heart attack.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Good idea; I'll take a picture.
Penny: [Penny's fantasy story] OK, sweetie. Let me tell exactly how that would have gone down.
Leonard Hofstadter: I'm going to do it. I'm going to ask her out.
Howard Wolowitz: I'm going squirt chocolate milk out of my nipples. Sorry. I thought we were saying things that are never going to happen.
Raj Koothrappali: Maybe this time he's going to do it.
Howard Wolowitz: Hope you're thirsty. Here it comes!
Leonard Hofstadter: Watch me.
Penny: Hey. You guys ready to order or do you need a few minutes?
Leonard Hofstadter: I... I... um.
Penny: A few minutes it is.
Raj Koothrappali: You didn't ask her out, but that was a lot of sounds.
Leonard Hofstadter: You guys are making me nervous.
Howard Wolowitz: Fine, then, go talk to her on your own.
Leonard Hofstadter: I will.
[goes over to Penny]
Leonard Hofstadter: Excuse me.
Penny: Yup.
Leonard Hofstadter: Hi, uhh, um, I'm Leonard.
Penny: Really? You don't sound so sure.
Leonard Hofstadter: No, I am he. Any-anyway, um, there's been something I've wanted to ask you for a long time. Um.
Penny: What's that?
Leonard Hofstadter: Well, I was wondering if you're not too busy... um... if you'd be interested in... telling me where the restroom is?
Penny: I think you're too late.
[last lines]
[Leonard and Raj are very fat]
Leonard Hofstadter: I'm going to do it; I'm going to ask her out.
Howard Wolowitz: And chocolate milk out is going to squirt of my nipples.
Raj Koothrappali: Put up or shut up. You make it, I'll drink it.
Penny: You guys need anything else?
Leonard Hofstadter: Yeah, your phone number and one more cheesecake.
Penny: I'm sorry, I have a boyfriend. Look, in fact, there he is now.
[Stu enters; she goes to him]
Penny: Ready to go, sweetheart.
Stuart Bloom: Not till I get my kiss.
[She kisses him and they leave]
Stuart Bloom: [Stu. sitting alone in an empty Cheesecake Factory, sighs]
"The Big Bang Theory: The Maternal Capacitance (#2.15)" (2009)
[first lines]Raj Koothrappali: [the boys are playing Rock Band]
[singing]
Raj Koothrappali: I don't ever wanna feel / Like I did that day / Take me to the place I love / Take me all the way /
[falsetto]
Raj Koothrappali: I don't ever wanna feel / Like I did that day / Take me to the place I lo-
[sees Penny in the doorway]
Penny: Fellas, please.
Howard Wolowitz: Penny, come on, we were just finding our sound.
Penny: You found it. It's the sound of a cat being run over by a lawnmower.
Leonard Hofstadter: Why are you doing this?
Howard Wolowitz: You know the rules; you brought your mom to work, you must suffaaaaaaaah!
Sheldon Cooper: Leonard, I had no idea your siblings were so much more successful than you.
Raj Koothrappali: Yeah, you're like the Jar-Jar Binks of the Hofstadter family.
Howard Wolowitz: [Imitating Jar-jar] Oh, meesa think yousa lookin' so-so sad.
Leonard Hofstadter: You know, rather than mock me, my friends might realize that this is difficult and try to help me through it.
Raj Koothrappali: Nope, I think mocking you is more fun.
Howard Wolowitz: [imitating JarJar Binks] Next time, don't yousa bring momma to work, Okee-day?
[Raj and Howard laugh]
Leonard Hofstadter: [Leonard's mother comes back] That was fast.
Beverly: Oh, the middle stall was occupied, I'll have to try again later.
Sheldon Cooper: It's totally understandable. In bladder voiding as in real estate, it's location, location, location.
Beverly: So where were we?
Leonard Hofstadter: [to his mother] Howard lives with his mother, and Raj can't speak to women unless he's drunk. Go!
Beverly: Well, that's fascinating. Selective mutism is quite rare. On the other hand, an adult Jewish male living with his mother is so common it borders on sociological cliché.
Howard Wolowitz: It's just temporary, I pay rent.
Leonard Hofstadter: He lives in the same room where his bassinet was.
Beverly: You know, both selective mutism and an inability to separate from one's mother can stem from a pathological fear of women. It might explain why the two of you have created an ersatz homosexual marriage to satisfy your need for intimacy.
Howard Wolowitz: Say what?
[Raj whispers in Howard's ear]
Howard Wolowitz: That's basically what I just said!
Leonard Hofstadter: [to Raj] You brought your husband to work, you know the rules.
[imitating JarJar Binks]
Leonard Hofstadter: Meesa thinkin' yousa lookin' pretty sad now too, betcha betcha.
"The Big Bang Theory: The Pancake Batter Anomaly (#1.11)" (2008)
Leonard: Howard, it's Leonard. Code milky green.Howard Wolowitz: Dear Lord, not milky green.
Howard Wolowitz: Take your stinking paws off my popcorn, you damn, dirty ape!
Howard Wolowitz: [on the phone with Leonard] Hang on, call waiting.
Leonard: No, don't, don't...
Howard Wolowitz: [switches over] Hello?
Sheldon Cooper: Howard, I'm sick.
Howard Wolowitz: Uh.
[imitating his mother]
Howard Wolowitz: Howard's sleeping, this is his mother. Why are you calling at this ungodly hour?
Sheldon Cooper: I need soup.
Howard Wolowitz: [still imitating his mother] Then call your own mother.
"The Big Bang Theory: The Relationship Diremption (#7.20)" (2014)
Leonard Hofstadter: I got to tell you the more I read about the primordial gravity wave discoveries the more excited I get.Raj Koothrappali: So being an astrophysicist right now is like being a rock star.
Howard Wolowitz: Only without the sex.
Raj Koothrappali: If we're going to double date, we need to set some ground rules.
Howard Wolowitz: Like when it turns out she's made of rubber, I don't say anything?
Raj Koothrappali: She's very real.
Howard Wolowitz: That's what it says on the box. Right next to "dishwasher safe".
Howard Wolowitz: I just hope he doesn't blow it.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: What makes you say that?
Howard Wolowitz: It's what he does. Beckham can bend it, Ralph can wreck it, Raj can blow it.
"The Big Bang Theory: The Russian Rocket Reaction (#5.5)" (2011)
Howard Wolowitz: [after everyone cheers for him and his team design going to space] It gets better! Someone has to go up with the telescope as a payload specialist, and guess who that someone is!Sheldon Cooper: Mohammed Lee.
[everyone's looking confused]
Howard Wolowitz: Who's Mohammed Lee?
Sheldon Cooper: Mohammed is the most common first name in the world, and Lee the most common surname. As I didn't know the answer, I thought that gave me a mathematical edge.
Mrs. Wolowitz: [shouting from off-screen] Howard! Bernadette's here!
Howard Wolowitz: [shouting back] Tell her I'm not home!
Mrs. Wolowitz: What kind of a schmuck play is that? She can hear you shouting!
Bernadette Rostenkowski: How do they send you to the Space Station with the space shuttle program shutting down?
Howard Wolowitz: That's the cool part. They send you to Kashaztan, put you in a Russian Soyuz capsule and the rocket launches you into subspace orbit. Or it just stands there in the launch pad because the Kashaki Mafia sold the rocket fuel on the black market.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Are those Russian rockets safe?
Howard Wolowitz: As safe as they could be when they're built by the fine folks who brought you Chernobyl.
"The Big Bang Theory: The Wheaton Recurrence (#3.19)" (2010)
Leonard Hofstadter: Could we please talk about something else? Maybe something vaguely related to life as we know it on this planet?Howard Wolowitz: Okay, how about this for a topic: Why is Leonard being a giant douche? Assuming giant douches are possible.
Sheldon Cooper: Of course they are. Leonard's being one.
Raj Koothrappali: Ah, the premature "I love you."
Howard Wolowitz: I guessed premature. Does that count?
Howard Wolowitz: What did you do, Romeo? Did you pour maple syrup all over your body and ask her if she was in the mood for a short stack?
"The Big Bang Theory: The Gorilla Dissolution (#7.23)" (2014)
Mrs. Wolowitz: The doctor says you need to get exercise!Howard Wolowitz: I get plenty of exercise!
Mrs. Wolowitz: Crushing my will to live isn't exercise!
Bernadette Rostenkowski: You think we should get one of those machines to help her up the stairs.
Howard Wolowitz: You mean a forklift?
Mrs. Wolowitz: I'm hungry again!
Howard Wolowitz: It's like the world's fattest cuckoo clock.
"The Big Bang Theory: The Locomotive Manipulation (#7.15)" (2014)
Howard Wolowitz: Fun fact, I'm gonna jump off this train.Amy Farrah Fowler: Why do I even try?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: I'm going to fix this right now.
Howard Wolowitz: OK. Just make it look light an accident.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Excuse me. You at a Valentine's dinner with your girlfriend. Now get back over there and be with her.
Sheldon Cooper: You're right. That was insensitive of me. I have to got back to my table now. You should join us.
Eric: All right.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Great. Now there's two of them.
Howard Wolowitz: A world I don't want to live in. Seriously I don't want to live in this world.
"The Big Bang Theory: The Gothowitz Deviation (#3.3)" (2009)
Howard Wolowitz: [to Raj] Yes, she's pushy, and yes, he's whipped, but that's not the expression.[last lines]
Howard Wolowitz: Hey, wanna try a country bar tomorrow night?
Raj Koothrappali: Yeah, maybe we'll get lucky with some sexy cowgirls.
Howard Wolowitz: Could happen.
Raj Koothrappali: I wonder how they smell.
Bethany: What are you going to get, Howard?
Howard Wolowitz: Well, I can't really decide between a screaming devil, this mean little skull or Kermit the Frog.
Bethany: Kermit the Frog?
Howard Wolowitz: You know.
[Kermit voice]
Howard Wolowitz: Hi ho, I'm on Howard's butt!
Bethany: Get the mean little skull, and I'll see if I can make him smile.
Howard Wolowitz: Yeah, I'd like the mean little skull, please.
"The Big Bang Theory: The Scavenger Vortex (#7.3)" (2013)
[first lines]Raj Koothrappali: So. Couldn't help but notice. None of you RSVP'd to my murder mystery dinner party.
Leonard Hofstadter: Oh yeah. We were meaning to do that.
Raj Koothrappali: No you weren't, because it was a week ago and nobody came! So if you want to solve the mystery of who stabbed Koothrappali in the back with the weapon of indifference, it was all of you.
Sheldon Cooper: Don't think that qualifies as a mystery. We all knew what we were doing.
Amy Farrah Fowler: We're sorry, Rajesh.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Maybe we can do it next week.
Howard Wolowitz: Whoa, whoa, not that sorry.
Raj Koothrappali: Don't worry, I can take a hint. No more murder mystery parties.
Sheldon Cooper: Great.
Leonard Hofstadter: Thank you.
Howard Wolowitz: Hallelujah.
Raj Koothrappali: Because I've got something better planned!
Howard Wolowitz, Leonard Hofstadter, Amy Farrah Fowler: Aaw.
Sheldon Cooper: Come on.
Raj Koothrappali: Just hear me out. I'm going to make you guys a scavenger hunt like they have at M.I.T.
Howard Wolowitz: Oh, I loved those. I did them every year there.
Leonard Hofstadter: We did them at Princeton too.
Howard Wolowitz: Oh, that's cute. Like it's a real college.
Sheldon Cooper: Amusing. I was going to say that about M.I.T., but it works for Princeton, too.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Scavenger hunts at Harvard we're really tough. I always got stuck on the first challenge; trying to find someone to be on a team with me.
[laughs]
Amy Farrah Fowler: I guess that story's more sad than funny.
Howard Wolowitz: Wow, you're really good at puzzles.
Amy Farrah Fowler: I did them all the time as a kid. As my mom used to say: when you're doing a puzzle, it's like having a thousand friends. She was full of fun lies like that.
Howard Wolowitz: If it makes you feel any better, my mom's just full of pound cake.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Sorry you got stuck with me. I bet you wanted to be with Bernadette.
Howard Wolowitz: Have you ever played a game with Bernadette?
Amy Farrah Fowler: No.
Howard Wolowitz: Have you ever gone into a steel cage with a wolverine?
[last lines]
[singing karaoke]
Howard Wolowitz: Hey, she got the way to move me / Cherry
Amy Farrah Fowler: She got the way to groove me
Howard Wolowitz: Cherry, baby
Amy Farrah Fowler: She got the way to move me
Howard Wolowitz, Amy Farrah Fowler: She got the way to groove me / ba ba ba ba / She got the way to move me / Cherry / She got the way to groove me
Howard Wolowitz: Yah.
"The Big Bang Theory: The Infestation Hypothesis (#5.2)" (2011)
Raj Koothrappali: Nice of you to let us use the university's new hydraulic thermoforming press.Howard Wolowitz: Yeah. this baby set the university back 175 grand.
Leonard Hofstadter: That's three minutes. Let's see what we got.
[Open press]
Raj Koothrappali: Oh, yeah! That is one great panini.
Sheldon Cooper: Leonard, thank goodness I found you. I need you to check my head for chair lice.
Leonard Hofstadter: I'm not going to check you for lice again.
Howard Wolowitz: Just his head, right?
Leonard Hofstadter: I don't want to talk about it.
"The Big Bang Theory: The Extract Obliteration (#6.6)" (2012)
Sheldon Cooper: Earlier today, I invited Professor Stephen Hawking to join me in the popular online game Words With Friends. Moments ago, he accepted my request! Do you understand what that means?Howard Wolowitz: That somewhere right now, Stephen Hawking is saying, "Damn it. I meant to click no."
[first lines]
Raj Koothrappali: Try to keep up, Howard; I'm killing it.
Howard Wolowitz: Yeah, I wish we looked this cool dancing in clubs as we do right now.
Leonard Hofstadter: Don't worry, this is exactly how you look when you're dancing in clubs.
"The Big Bang Theory: The Ornithophobia Diffusion (#5.9)" (2011)
Raj Koothrappali: C'mon Sheldon, Star Wars.Howard Wolowitz: I'm pushing play. I mean it. If we don't start soon, George Lucas is going to change it again.
Howard Wolowitz: All right Sheldon, your bird death ray is ready.
Sheldon Cooper: It's not a death ray. It's just a little ultrasonic blast to scare him off. Trust me, if I had a death ray, I wouldn't be living here. I'd be in my lair enjoying the money the people of Earth gave me for not using my death ray.
"The Big Bang Theory: The Staircase Implementation (#3.22)" (2010)
Sheldon Cooper: What are you sitting on?Howard Wolowitz: I can't speak for these guys, but I'm sitting on my tushie. It's a joke.
Raj Koothrappali: Not a good idea.
Sheldon Cooper: Tushie is buttocks, right?
Howard Wolowitz: Right.
Raj Koothrappali: Hilarious!
Raj Koothrappali: Do you have an opinion about everything?
Sheldon Cooper: Yes.
Howard Wolowitz: You just assume you're always right?
Sheldon Cooper: It's not an assumption.
"The Big Bang Theory: The Isolation Permutation (#5.8)" (2011)
Sheldon Cooper: [outraged] The two of you need to get your women in line!Leonard Hofstadter: What?
Sheldon Cooper: Last night, I was strong armed into an evening of harp music and spooning with an emotional Amy Farrah Fowler, this on a night that I had originally designated for solving the space time geometry in higher spin gravity and building my Lego Death Star. And why? Your gal pals Penny and Bernadette went out shopping for some wedding nonsense without Amy, an action they took with no thought or regard as to how it would affect me, the future of string theory, or my Lego fun time!
Howard Wolowitz: What do you want us to do about it?
Sheldon Cooper: You clearly weren't listening to my topic sentence: Get your women in line! You make them apologize to Amy and set things right! I am a man of science, not someone's snuggle bunny!
Leonard Hofstadter: Why do I have to talk to Penny? She's not my girlfriend.
Sheldon Cooper: You invited her to lunch four years ago. Everything about her is on you, you make it so!
Leonard Hofstadter: Fine. What would you like to talk about, Sheldon?
Howard Wolowitz: "What would you like to talk about, Sheldon?" Why do you hate us?
"The Big Bang Theory: The Pulled Groin Extrapolation (#5.3)" (2011)
Mrs. Wolowitz: I don't know who you're talking to, but in or out! We don't need bugs!Howard Wolowitz: The bugs only come here, because YOU'RE THEIR QUEEN!
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Good morning, handsome.
Howard Wolowitz: Good morning, mom.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: It's me!
Howard Wolowitz: Yes, it is. And you're so pretty in the morning!
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Your mom and I made you breakfast.
Howard Wolowitz: Oh, wow. So, you guys are getting along?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Yeah... I guess. We're very different people, Howard. So communication's a little tricky.
Mrs. Wolowitz: DOES HE LIKE THE PANCAKES?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: HE DIDN'T TRY THEM, YET!
Howard Wolowitz: Is there any butter?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: It's butter flavored syrup.
Mrs. Wolowitz: SO, WHAT'S THE WORD?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: HE WANTS BUTTER!
Mrs. Wolowitz: IT'S BUTTER FLAVORED SYRUP!
Bernadette Rostenkowski: I JUST TOLD HIM THAT!
"The Big Bang Theory: The Re-Entry Minimization (#6.4)" (2012)
Howard Wolowitz: [as he steps out of the plane, he is met with a crowd chanting "Howie!" - for Howie Mandel, who is next to him] Thank you, it was nothing really.Howie Mandel: I think they're here for me, Ringo.
Chauffeur: Mr. Mandel, I'll be your driver.
Howie Mandel: Thank you. Can you believe that guy was telling everyone he was an astronaut?
Howard Wolowitz: [after discovering his mother sleeping with his dentist] I need a new one, now that I know where his hands have been.
"The Big Bang Theory: The Alien Parasite Hypothesis (#4.10)" (2010)
Sheldon Cooper: What is the best number? By the way, there's only one correct answer.Raj Koothrappali: Five million, three hundred eighteen thousand and eight?
Sheldon Cooper: Wrong. The best number is 73. You're probably wondering why.
Howard Wolowitz: No.
Raj Koothrappali: We're good.
Sheldon Cooper: 73 is the 21st prime number. Its mirror, 37, is the 12th, and its mirror, 21, is the product of multiplying - hang on to your hats - seven and three. Heh? Heh? Did I lie?
Leonard Hofstadter: We get it. 73 is the Chuck Norris of numbers.
Sheldon Cooper: Chuck Norris wishes. In binary, 73 is a palindrome: 1001001, which backwards is 1001001. Exactly the same. All Chuck Norris backwards gets you is "sirron kcuhc."
Raj Koothrappali: Just for the record, when you enter 5,318,008 in a calculator, upside down, it spells "boobies."
[last lines]
Raj Koothrappali: You realize you can't win.
Howard Wolowitz: I prefer to think that I can't lose.
Raj Koothrappali: You're wrong. It's only a matter of time before you fall into Rat Man's Rat Trap.
Howard Wolowitz: You pathetic fool, if there were a rat catcher wouldn't it catch Rat Man?
Raj Koothrappali: Just because I didn't express myself well doesn't mean my underlying point wasn't valid, you bloviating buffoon.
Howard Wolowitz: You narcissistic nincompoop.
Raj Koothrappali: You crimson coward. Oh, Leonard, wake up; you're missing some very excellent superhero quips.
"The Big Bang Theory: The Locomotion Interruption (#8.1)" (2014)
Howard Wolowitz: I just want to pop and make sure that Ma's OK.Raj Koothrappali: I thought Stuart was looking after her.
Howard Wolowitz: He was, but now that her cast is off, he moved out. Honestly, I'm kid of glad. It was getting a little weird.
Raj Koothrappali: How so?
Howard Wolowitz: I don't know, they were... chummy.
Raj Koothrappali: Like us?
Howard Wolowitz: No, not like us. Creepy chummy, like you and your dog.
Raj Koothrappali: Thanks for giving me a ride.
Howard Wolowitz: No problem. What happened to your car?
Raj Koothrappali: I'm having the window tints removed. Now that I have a girlfriend, I want all the haters to see.
Howard Wolowitz: What haters? No one pays attention to you.
Raj Koothrappali: Wow. How's that Haterade taste, bro?
"The Big Bang Theory: The White Asparagus Triangulation (#2.9)" (2008)
Sheldon Cooper: Gentlemen, I have a question about dating and relationships.Rajesh Koothrappali: [to Howard] You told me you were going to have the talk with him.
Howard Wolowitz: I've been waiting for someone to have the talk with me.
Penny: Leonard, congratulations.
Leonard Hofstadter: What for?
Penny: Your facebook status update. Leonard Hofstadter is in a relationship.
Leonard Hofstadter: What? No... No, that's not right.
Howard Wolowitz: Oh, man, did you switch your status before she did? Speaking as an expert: way to look needy.
Penny: Seriously? You went first, after only two weeks? That's bold.
Leonard Hofstadter: It's not bold, it's a mistake. I didn't change my status.
Penny: Well, then who did?
[Everybody looks at Sheldon]
Sheldon Cooper: I had no choice; he cried in front of her.
Leonard Hofstadter: You hacked my facebook account?
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, it's hardly hacking when you use the same password for everything, "Kal-El".
"The Big Bang Theory: The Dead Hooker Juxtaposition (#2.19)" (2009)
Howard Wolowitz: Penny, let me take this opportunity to point out that you are looking particularly ravishing today.Penny: Not with a thousand condoms, Howard.
Howard Wolowitz: So there is a number.
Howard Wolowitz: [Penny and Alicia are physically fighting] Oh, my God... girl fight!
[Restrains Leonard]
Leonard: What are you doing?
Howard Wolowitz: I know you. You are stupid enough to break it up.
"The Big Bang Theory: The Mommy Observation (#7.18)" (2014)
Sheldon Cooper: I can't wait to see the look on her face. We're leaving right now.Howard Wolowitz: Why?
Sheldon Cooper: Nothing.
Howard Wolowitz: Sheldon. What's going on?
Sheldon Cooper: I saw my Mommy with a naked man and she's trying to be a Mommy again.
Howard Wolowitz: You might not want to get in the way of your Mom's happiness.
"The Big Bang Theory: The Love Spell Potential (#6.23)" (2013)
Amy Farrah Fowler, Bernadette Rostenkowski, Penny: [chanting in a cab] Vegas! Vegas! Vegas!Sheldon Cooper, Leonard Hofstadter, Howard Wolowitz, Raj Koothrappali: [chanting in Leonard & Sheldon's living room] The dungeon of Mabusdahega! The dungeon of Mabusdahega! The dungeon of Mabusdahega!
Howard Wolowitz: The girls are away, so the boys will play!
Raj Koothrappali: Anything could happen!
Leonard Hofstadter: It's gonna get crazy in here!
Sheldon Cooper: [Hoisting box over his head] Dungeons and Dragons!
"The Big Bang Theory: The Middle Earth Paradigm (#1.6)" (2007)
Raj Koothrappali: [dressed as Thor, Norse God of Thunder] Hey. Sorry I'm late but my hammer got stuck in the door on the bus.Leonard: You went with Thor?
Raj Koothrappali: What? Just because I'm Indian I can't be a Norse God? No, no, no Raj has to be an Indian God. That's racism. I mean, look at Wolowitz. He's not English but he's dressed like Peter Pan. Sheldon is neither sound nor light but he's obviously the Doppler effect.
Howard Wolowitz: I'm not Peter Pan. I'm Robin Hood.
Raj Koothrappali: Really? Because I saw Peter Pan and you're dressed exactly like Cathy Rigby. She was a little bigger than you but it's basically the same look, man.
[first lines]
Raj Koothrappali: OK, if no-one else will say it, I will. We really suck at paint-ball.
Howard Wolowitz: That was absolutely humiliating.
Leonard: Oh, come on, some battles you win, some battles you lose.
Howard Wolowitz: Yes, but you don't have to lose to Kyle Bernstein's Bar-Mitzvah party.
Leonard: I think we have to acknowledge those were some fairly savage preadolescent Jews.
Sheldon: No, we were annihilated by our own incompetent and the inability of some people to follow the chain of command.
Leonard: Sheldon, let it go!
Sheldon: No, I want to talk about the fact that Wolowitz shot me in the back.
Howard Wolowitz: I shot you for good reason. You were leading us into disaster.
Sheldon: I was giving clear, concise orders.
Leonard: You hid behind a tree yelling: "Get the kid in the yarmulke; get the kid in the yarmulke!"
"The Big Bang Theory: The Hamburger Postulate (#1.5)" (2007)
[first lines]Sheldon Cooper: Alright. I'm moving my infantry division, augmented by a battalion of orcs from Lord of the Rings. We fight the Tennessee Volunteers, and the North once again wins the Battle of Gettysburg.
Howard Wolowitz: Not so fast. Remember the South still has two infantry divisions, plus Superman and Godzilla.
Leonard Hofstadter: No, no, no no. Orcs are magic; Superman is vulnerable to magic. Not to mention, you already lost Godzilla to the Illinois Cavalry and Hulk.
Raj Koothrappali: Why don't you just have Robert E. Lee charge the line with Shiva and Ganesh?
Penny: Hey, you guys ready to order?
Howard Wolowitz: Hang on, honey. Shiva and Ganesh? The Hindu gods against the entire Union army?
Leonard Hofstadter: And orcs!
Penny: I'll be back.
Raj Koothrappali: Excuse me, Ganesh is the remover of obstacles and Shiva's the destroyer. When the smoke clears Abraham Lincoln will be speaking Hindi and drinking mint juleps.
Penny: Alright, my boss says you have to either order or leave and never come back.
Raj Koothrappali: [at the Cheesecake Factory] Oh, no.
Howard Wolowitz: What?
Raj Koothrappali: She didn't take my order.
Howard Wolowitz: How can she take your order when you're too neurotic to talk to her?
"The Big Bang Theory: The Roommate Transmogrification (#4.24)" (2011)
Howard Wolowitz: You gotta like this. The girlfriend, the ex-girlfriend bonding over your rooty-tooty stinky booty.Leonard Hofstadter: Kill me.
Sheldon Cooper: It wouldn't help. The human body is capable of being flatulent for hours after death.
Leonard Hofstadter: Do you really think you should be eating that cake?
Howard Wolowitz: Why?
Leonard Hofstadter: If you're gonna be a trophy husband for a rich wife, you might want to watch your waistline.
Raj Koothrappali: He's right. A minute on the lips, a lifetime on the hips.
"The Big Bang Theory: The Prestidigitation Approximation (#4.18)" (2011)
Sheldon: This deck is rigged in some fashionHoward Wolowitz: Fine then get another deck and I'll do the trick with that
Sheldon: So you're saying this is a regulation deck?
Howard Wolowitz: I'm saying believe in magic you muggle!
[about Sheldon]
Howard Wolowitz: You ever notice when he thinks real hard, it smells like bacon?
"The Big Bang Theory: The Euclid Alternative (#2.5)" (2008)
Sheldon Cooper: I still don't see why I need a driver's license. Albert Einstein never had a driver's license.Howard Wolowitz: Yeah, but Albert Einstein didn't make me wet myself at 40 miles an hour.
Penny: Yeah, and I never wanted to kick Albert Einstein in the nuts.
Octavia: Application?
Sheldon Cooper: I'm actually more of a theorist.
Howard Wolowitz: The application in your hand, give it to her.
"The Big Bang Theory: The Desperation Emanation (#4.5)" (2010)
Leonard Hofstadter: Hey, guys.Howard Wolowitz: Hey.
Raj Koothrappali: Hey.
Sheldon Cooper: Alright, I'll bow to social pressure. Hey.
Leonard Hofstadter: Howard, I appreciate the effort, but this is like, the worst date of my life.
Howard Wolowitz: Seriously? I was once robbed by a pre-op transsexual I met on JDate, and that didn't even crack my top 10.
"The Big Bang Theory: The Financial Permeability (#2.14)" (2009)
Howard Wolowitz: Okay, I guess we only have one option.Rajesh Koothrappali: Yepp, I don't see any way around it.
Leonard Hofstadter: Bye, Sheldon.
Howard Wolowitz: See ya.
Rajesh Koothrappali: Later, dude.
[All exit, leaving Sheldon alone]
Sheldon Cooper: They're right. It was the only option.
Leonard Hofstadter: Okay, is everyone clear on the plan?
Howard Wolowitz: Yes. Koothrappali's gonna wet himself, I will throw up, Sheldon's going to run away, and you're going to die. Shall we synchronize our watches?
"The Big Bang Theory: The Vartabedian Conundrum (#2.10)" (2008)
Howard Wolowitz: There's a whole buffet of women out there, and you're just standing in the corner, eating the same deviled egg over and over again.Leonard Hofstadter: At least I have an egg. What do you have?
Howard Wolowitz: A veritable smorgasbord of potential sexual partners. See the blonde over there? I can hit on her and you can't.
Leonard Hofstadter: So go hit on her.
Howard Wolowitz: [after an awkward pause] She's not my type.
Rajesh Koothrappali: Too bad, 'cause she was checking you out before.
Howard Wolowitz: She was?
Rajesh Koothrappali: Of course not. Look at her.
Howard Wolowitz: [Leonard is having difficulty breaking up with Stephanie] Why don't you text her?
Leonard Hofstadter: Isn't that cowardly?
Howard Wolowitz: Oh, yeah. It's beyond contemptible.
Rajesh Koothrappali: But then again, you are wearing a bird sweater.
"The Big Bang Theory: The Focus Attenuation (#8.5)" (2014)
Leonard Hofstadter: [Looking at their invention journal] Boy, I haven't looked at these in years. Let's see... robot girlfriend...Howard Wolowitz: That was mine.
Leonard Hofstadter: Robot prostitute...
Howard Wolowitz: Also mine.
Sheldon Cooper: I'm confused. Why would you have both a robot girlfriend and a robot prostitute?
Howard Wolowitz: There are some things you don't do with your robot girlfriend.
Raj Koothrappali: Boy, when Howard married Bernadette, the field of robotics really took a hit.
Howard Wolowitz: Can't argue with him, it's right there on the screen. Austria really does look like a wienner.
Raj Koothrappali: Forget that, check out how hung Florida is.
Leonard Hofstadter: I'm sure Mrs. Florida walks funny. Can we get back to work?
"The Big Bang Theory: The Table Polarization (#7.16)" (2014)
Howard Wolowitz: Good news. Someone in this room gets to take a ride on a rocket.Bernadette Rostenkowski: Fine. Can I at least shower first?
Penny: Hi. Sorry I'm late. I was at an audition.
Howard Wolowitz: Ahh.
Sheldon Cooper: You'll get 'em next time.
Penny: How about instead of assuming I failed, you ask me how it went?
Leonard Hofstadter: Sorry. How did it go?
Penny: Shut up.
"The Big Bang Theory: The Transporter Malfunction (#5.20)" (2012)
Sheldon Cooper: Howard, are you having a make-your-own-sundae bar?Howard Wolowitz: I don't think so.
Sheldon Cooper: Well, you should. 50% of all marriages end in divorce, but 100% of make-your-own-sundae bars end in happiness.
"The Big Bang Theory: The Bakersfield Expedition (#6.13)" (2013)
[stranded in the hot desert with Leonard, Sheldon, and Raj]Howard Wolowitz: I wish my mom was here. We could all hang out in her shadow.
"The Big Bang Theory: The Love Car Displacement (#4.13)" (2011)
Howard Wolowitz: How would you feel if you met my ex-girlfriend, and she was like Angelina Jolie?Bernadette Rostenkowski: Oh, come on Howard, be realistic!
Howard Wolowitz: What, I'm not hot enough for Angelina Jolie?
Raj Koothrappali: I'd like to weigh in here. No.
"The Big Bang Theory: The Romance Resonance (#7.6)" (2013)
Howard Wolowitz: Next week is the anniversary of my first date with Bernadette.Sheldon Cooper: Really don't care.
Howard Wolowitz: I want to do something special and I was hoping that you guys could be a part of it.
Penny: Oh, what horrible thing are you trying to make up for.
Howard Wolowitz: Putting something in the bank for what horrible thing I do next.
"The Big Bang Theory: The Clean Room Infiltration (#8.11)" (2014)
Leonard Hofstadter: How do we catch it?Howard Wolowitz: What if we turn off all the lights except for one and it'll come to it?
Leonard Hofstadter: It's not a moth!
"The Big Bang Theory: The Einstein Approximation (#3.14)" (2010)
Howard Wolowitz: How long has he been stuck?Leonard Hofstadter: Intellectually, about thirty hours. Emotionally, about twenty-nine years.
Sheldon Cooper: [muttering] The alkyl cell contains two carbon atoms. The interior angle of a hexagon's one hundred and pwenty degrees.
Howard Wolowitz: Have you tried rebooting him?
Leonard Hofstadter: No, I think it's a firmware problem.
"The Big Bang Theory: The Parking Spot Escalation (#6.9)" (2012)
Sheldon Cooper: Well, Howard, thank you. It's quite a gesture on your part. You've shown yourself to be the bigger man.Howard Wolowitz: Thank you.
Sheldon Cooper: Which I find totally unacceptable. I must be the bigger man. Therefore, you may use my spot until such time as I learn to drive or get a Batmobile.
Howard Wolowitz: Wow, okay. Well, thanks. I don't know what to say.
Sheldon Cooper: There is nothing to say. Except I'm the bigger man. I'm not kidding. Say it.
Raj Koothrappali: Just say it.
Howard Wolowitz: You're the bigger man, Sheldon.
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, stop. And I believe this is yours. FYI, if you wear that into a bank, they will tackle you to the ground.
"The Big Bang Theory: The Guitarist Amplification (#3.7)" (2009)
Leonard Hofstadter: Let me ask you something: do you think it's okay for Penny to have an ex-boyfriend sleep on her couch?Howard Wolowitz: No, I mean she's obviously way out of line...
Leonard Hofstadter: Thank you.
Howard Wolowitz: But if she dumps you, she'll have a new boyfriend by tomorrow morning, and you'll have a new girlfriend when you figure out how to build one.
"The Big Bang Theory: The Itchy Brain Simulation (#7.8)" (2013)
Howard Wolowitz: [Leonard is scratching his itchy sweater] So you can never take it off?Leonard Hofstadter: No.
Raj Koothrappali: Not even to sleep?
Leonard Hofstadter: No.
Howard Wolowitz: So you're just an idiot.
Leonard Hofstadter: It's called proving a point.
Howard Wolowitz: Is the point you're an idiot?
"The Big Bang Theory: The Luminous Fish Effect (#1.4)" (2007)
Howard Wolowitz: Hey, what up, science bitches?"The Big Bang Theory: The Bon Voyage Reaction (#6.24)" (2013)
Howard Wolowitz: It must have been tough for you saying that about Leonard.Sheldon Cooper: It was.
Howard Wolowitz: It must have killed you when I went to space.
"The Big Bang Theory: The Gorilla Experiment (#3.10)" (2009)
Howard Wolowitz: It's not enough you get the prom queen, you have to get the head of the decorating committee too?"The Big Bang Theory: The Decoupling Fluctuation (#6.2)" (2012)
[last lines]Howard Wolowitz: Hey, Bernie, guess what; I stood up to the other astronauts like you said and I got to tell you last night was the first time in a week I got a good night's sleep.
[Howard has a mouse face and the words 'F. Loops' drawn on his face]
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Oh, Howie!
Howard Wolowitz: What's wrong? You look upset.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Nope. This is my proud face.
"The Big Bang Theory: The Space Probe Disintegration (#8.12)" (2015)
Howard Wolowitz: [after arriving at a Hindu temple for Howard's first time] Is there anything I should know before I go in?Raj Koothrappali: Like what?
Howard Wolowitz: Like... am I dressed OK?
Raj Koothrappali: Really? So every other place you've been you thought this was fine?
"The Big Bang Theory: The Junior Professor Solution (#8.2)" (2014)
Howard Wolowitz: Engineers are just as smart as physicists.Sheldon Cooper: [offended gasp] You take that back!
"The Big Bang Theory: The Santa Simulation (#6.11)" (2012)
Stuart: What's wrong with Christmas?Sheldon Cooper: [wearily] Oh, where to begin? Trees indoors, overuse of the words "'tis" and "'twas". And the absurd custom of one stocking. Everyone knows socks belong in pairs. Who uses one sock?
Howard Wolowitz: Pirate with a peg leg?
Sheldon Cooper: Actually, that helps. Thank you.
"The Big Bang Theory: The Indecision Amalgamation (#7.19)" (2014)
Sheldon Cooper: Quick poll! PS4 or Xbox One? Raj?Raj Koothrappali: Uh, Xbox One.
Sheldon Cooper: Penny!
Penny: Huh?
Sheldon Cooper: Leonard!
Leonard Hofstadter: PS4.
Sheldon Cooper: Wolowitz!
Howard Wolowitz: They're both great.
Sheldon Cooper: Bernadette!
Bernadette Rostenkowski: I like the Wii.
Sheldon Cooper: Thanks, grandma.
"The Big Bang Theory: The Loobenfeld Decay (#1.10)" (2008)
Howard Wolowitz: It's your Millennium Falcon, you and Chewbacca can do whatever you want to. Me and Princess Leia here'll find some other way to spend the evening."The Big Bang Theory: The Egg Salad Equivalency (#6.12)" (2013)
Howard Wolowitz: Are you sure you should be drinking now?Raj Koothrappali: How else am I supposed to talk to the human resources lady?
Howard Wolowitz: I don't know. Seek professional help?
Raj Koothrappali: I did. The guy at the liquor store told me this goes great with coffee.
"The Big Bang Theory: The Speckerman Recurrence (#5.11)" (2011)
Howard Wolowitz: Hey, we're here to support you, man.Leonard Hofstadter: No, you're not. You're here to see if he can pull my underwear over my head.
Howard Wolowitz: You wore underwear? You fool!
"The Big Bang Theory: The Beta Test Initiation (#5.14)" (2012)
Raj Koothrappali: I was just talking to Siri about Peking duck, and she said she knew about four Chinese grocers, two of which are fairly close to me. Her spontaneity is contagious.Bernadette Rostenkowski: Who's Siri? Is he dating somebody new?
Howard Wolowitz: Yes. His phone.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Is that cute or creepy?
Howard Wolowitz: Uh-huh.
"The Big Bang Theory: The Bus Pants Utilization (#4.12)" (2011)
[first lines]Howard Wolowitz: [on cellphone] Ma, ma, calm dow- listen to me! I know it says click with the mouse, but on a laptop the trackpad is the mouse. Now put your finger on it.
Howard Wolowitz: Doesn't matter which finger.
Howard Wolowitz: Good choice. Now move it down to your e-mail icon.
Howard Wolowitz: The little envelope.
Howard Wolowitz: What do you mean what does it look like? It looks like an envelope!
Howard Wolowitz: Fine, you don't like the computer, don't use it!
Howard Wolowitz: Sure. We can exchange it for a salad spinner. Good-bye.
Raj Koothrappali: That's a Hanukkah present you're regretting, huh?
Sheldon Cooper: I won't say that all senior citizens who can't master technology should be publicly flogged. But, if we made an example of one or two it might give the others incentive to try harder.
"The Big Bang Theory: The Zazzy Substitution (#4.3)" (2010)
Raj Koothrappali: Potty is innocent. Potty is adorable.Howard Wolowitz: [mocking] What do you do in the potty, wee-wee?
Raj Koothrappali: If I don't have to boom-boom.
"The Big Bang Theory: The Hofstadter Insufficiency (#7.1)" (2013)
Raj Koothrappali: Do you know I recently read a fascinating article on infidelity among penguins.Janine Davis: OK.
Raj Koothrappali: So, if the fact that your husband left you makes you feel unattractive, just remember penguins get cheated on, and they're adorable.
Howard Wolowitz: It was better when you couldn't talk to women.
Travelling is my life
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