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"Just Shoot Me!: In Your Dreams (#1.5)" (1997)
Maya: It's always the same. My face gets all scrunched up, my eyes are half closed, and I end up looking like...Dennis: Popeye?
Elliot: A smurf?
Nina: Eleanor Roosevelt sneezing?
Jack: What the hell is a smurf?
Dennis: It's that little blue man on your wife's lunchbox.
Maya: Why do we even need photo IDs?
Dennis: Because otherwise, any lunatic could walk in off the street and do Nina's job.
Jack: What are we talking about?
Maya: Nothing!
Nina: Sex dreams.
Jack: Sounds like fun. Who had a sex dream? I want details.
Dennis: Maya did, about Elliot.
Jack: You people are sick!
Dennis: So, a sex dream. How was I?
Maya: Absent.
Elliot: When I was on a photo shoot in Australia, this Aborigine tribesman refused to have his picture taken because he thought I was going to steal his soul.
Maya: Don't tell me. You got him to relax and took a great picture.
Elliot: No. He bit me and stole my jeep.
Maya: And your point is?
Elliot: Don't bite me.
Maya: So, this is your studio?
Elliot: Yep.
Maya: Shouldn't there be a sign for the models that says, "you must be this dumb to enter"?
Maya: [about a flimsy nighty] What is this?
Elliot: It was for your story on health care.
Maya: What does that have to do with health care?
Elliot: She was also wearing a nurse's hat.
Maya: This picture sends the wrong message.
Elliot: What message are you trying to send?
Maya: "My name is Maya Gallo, and I'm a professional."
Elliot: And this says?
Maya: "My name is Maya Gallo, my naughty girlfriends and I are waiting for your calls."
Maya: I have never taken a good picture in my life.
Jack: You're exaggerating. You've taken lots of good pictures. What about that one of you surfing?
Maya: That was a caricature.
Jack: I thought your head looked big.
Maya: It's too sexy!
Elliot: I'm not following you.
Maya: This picture you took of me is too sexy!
Elliot: I understand the word "too" and the word "sexy", but put them together, it's just gibberish.
Maya: Dad, what do you think of this picture?
Jack: [whistles] She's a looker. Reminds me of a girl I used to run around with.
Maya: Dad, it's me.
Jack: I see. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go in my office and gouge my eyes out.
"Just Shoot Me!: Just Shoot Me (#1.0)" (1997)
Maya Gallo: [shaking Dennis' hand] Hello, I'm Maya.Dennis Finch: Ah, well, "bye-a."
Maya Gallo: Uh, no. I'm here to see Jack Gallo.
Dennis Finch: And I'm here to make sure you don't. Next time, call for an appointment; that way I can reject you on the phone, and then you won't have to get all gussied up.
[Nina selects "no-yes-yes-no-no-no" from a line of models; she comes to Maya and mistakes her for a prospective model]
Nina Van Horn: Honey, I don't know who your agent is, but you need to grow six inches, lose twenty pounds, and find a hairdresser who gave up cocaine with everyone else.
[Nina turns to walk away]
Maya Gallo: Excuse me - do you own this magazine?
Nina Van Horn: No, that would be Mr. Gallo.
Maya Gallo: And I would be Mr. Gallo's daughter.
Dennis Finch: Hey hey, oh, you're Jack's daughter - you babe. Dennis Finch, Jack's executive assistant. His right-hand man. Actually, he's more like a father to me.
Maya Gallo: Ah, then you haven't seen him in a year either.
Nina Van Horn: You know, dear, you can understand why I didn't recognize you. I mean, there is virtually no resemblance.
Maya Gallo: Go away.
Nina Van Horn: Ah, there it is.
Jack Gallo: Maya!
Maya Gallo: Surprise.
Jack Gallo: Yeah, it sure is. Come on in. Don't you have a birthday coming up?
Maya Gallo: Yeah, in about eleven-and-a-half months.
Jack Gallo: Good - I was afraid I missed it.
Jack Gallo: When are you going to accept the fact that Allie and I are very much in love?
Maya Gallo: "Very much in love"? Is there a special room where the models go to throw up?
Jack Gallo: Here we go! It's my wedding all over again.
Maya Gallo: What?
Jack Gallo: Don't play innocent - you were heckling our wedding vows.
Maya Gallo: You let the woman quote *The Lion King!*
Nina Van Horn: Maya, dear, I understand you're writing this month's relationship column. Can I peek?
Elliot DiMauro: You peaked years ago, honey.
Nina Van Horn: So, is this article the first of many?
Maya Gallo: I doubt it; it's called, "My Father Is A Jackass."
Elliot DiMauro: Look at these photos; see if any of them will go with your article.
Maya Gallo: [looking] God! Could her dress get any higher?
Elliot DiMauro: No. Her mother was there.
[discussing the evils of the fashion industry]
Elliot DiMauro: All I'm saying is that we're not the enemy. We just like looking at beautiful things.
Maya Gallo: And who decides what's beautiful?
Elliot DiMauro: Oh, I do! That's the best part.
[phone rings; Dennis answers]
Dennis Finch: Jack Gallo's office.... Hey, boss. How did it go?... All right!
Dennis Finch: [to Maya] They had the baby.
Maya Gallo: Yeah, well, congratulations.
Dennis Finch: [to Jack] Maya says, "Congratulations," but it's in a tone that connotes disinterest.... Whew!
Dennis Finch: [to Maya] Eight pounds, twelve ounces.
Maya Gallo: Ouch.
Dennis Finch: [to Jack] She's making sport of your courageous wife's pain....
Dennis Finch: [to Maya] Blue eyes, dark hair, great lungs.
Maya Gallo: Just like Elvis.
Dennis Finch: [to Jack] She's comparing the baby to a bloated drug addict.
[Maya walks away]
Dennis Finch: [to Maya] Hey, it's a girl: You got a sister.
Maya Gallo: A sister? She's not my sister.... Oh, my god. She's my sister. I have a sister.
Dennis Finch: [to Jack] Now she's just babbling.
Maya Gallo: So, have you two picked out a name?
Jack Gallo: We're in negotiations. I want "Hannah," after your grandmother, and Allie wants "Morgan."
Maya Gallo: "Morgan" was our high school quarterback. Allie lost her virginity to him.
Jack Gallo: "Hannah" it is.
"Just Shoot Me!: Sweet Charity (#2.8)" (1997)
Maya: When I came aboard, you said I could make a difference.Dennis: And you have. You've made these morning meetings much longer.
Robert: Uh, Maya, don't think that you've been forgotten. We'd like you to introduce your father at the banquet.
Maya: Oh gosh; couldn't we just release some doves?
Robert: Just a few words about Jack's passionate concern for the children.
Maya: "Passionate concern"?
[cut to Jack posing across the room]
Jack: Hey, this one's for Trump!
[Jack bends over and displays his ass for the camera]
Dennis: Hey, Princess, the *Times* is doing a story on your dad's award and they wanna call you for a quote.
Maya: Okay, how about this, from my introduction: "Every once in a while a man looks at the world, steps forward, and says, 'Hey, who wants my crumbs?'"
Dennis: That's not bad. How about, "It's touching to see what Jack means to all of you, because you certainly don't mean jack to him."
Maya: Wait! I have something to say.
Dennis: Thanks for the warning. Taxi!
Maya: Nina, the foundation needs books, not your old clothes.
Nina Van Horn: Well, I was looking around for my old books, and then it struck me me... I don't have any.
Maya: You don't own any books?
Nina Van Horn: Just a hollowed out almanac from my trip to Colombia.
Dennis: Hey. Come here.
[hugs Maya]
Dennis: Don't forget, it's all for the kids.
Maya: I know.
Dennis: We know you do all the work around here.
Maya: Thanks.
Dennis: And in the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make.
Maya: Why did you come in here?
Dennis: I had to hug you in this sweater.
Maya: Isn't this fun, guys?
Elliot: Yeah. You've captured all the fun of moving without that pesky new apartment.
Maya: Doesn't anyone here give?
Dennis: I gave blood.
Maya: Where?
Dennis: Okay, sperm.
Maya: Here's Cinderella. You can read it to the kids.
Nina Van Horn: I don't like kids.
Maya: Pretend they're puppies.
Nina Van Horn: Again, not helping.
Nina Van Horn: Don't look at me. I already contributed to the community.
Maya: That was court ordered.
"Just Shoot Me!: Nina in the Cantina (#2.15)" (1998)
Maya Gallo: Can you believe this is Nina from "Nina in the Cantina"?Dennis Finch: Why not? It's not like the song is called "Nina in the Think Tank."
Nick Hewitt: [looking at Maya's interview questions] Boring. That is boring. Oh, here's a new one: If you were a tree, what kind of tree would you be?
Maya Gallo: That was just in case the interview was in real trouble.
Nick Hewitt: Well, in that case, ponderosa pine.
Maya Gallo: Nina, your mascara is running.
Nina Van Horn: You see what happens when you don't test this stuff on animals? That's it, I'm buying a rabbit.
Maya Gallo: I have more.
Nick Hewitt: Let me guess. "Were you the first to wear leather trousers, Nick?" "Are you reuniting the band, Nick?" "What does pigeon blood taste like, Nick?" Well, yes, no, and chicken.
Maya Gallo: I thought Nina was Nina in the cantina.
Nick Hewitt: No, Twiggy is Nina.
Maya Gallo: Then why is her name in the song?
Nick Hewitt: Well, it was the only name that rhymed with cantina.
Maya Gallo: What about Deena? Gina? Xena?
Nick Hewitt: That's impressive.
Industry Type: Nick! You old dog!
Nick Hewitt: Hello, gorgeous!
Industry Type: Look who I brought with me.
Nick Hewitt: Hello, gorgeous!
Industry Type: We'll see you in London.
Nick Hewitt: Love to, I'll give you a ring-ting-ting-ting-a-ling.
Maya Gallo: Who were they?
Nick Hewitt: Haven't a bloody clue.
Elliot DiMauro: I'm going to out-Leibowitz Leibowitz. Get this: the angry man of rock and roll as the Incredible Hulk. Green body paint, torn clothes, running amok through the diamond district. What do you think?
Maya Gallo: It's cute.
Elliot DiMauro: Cute. That's good. Like a bunny.
Maya Gallo: No, I mean...
Elliot DiMauro: [Angry] Like a bunny!
Maya Gallo: Nina, you have something in your teeth.
Nina Van Horn: Damn! The one day I eat.
Maya Gallo: Come on! Hot model! Mazatlan! 1973! How could you not remember?
Nick Hewitt: I don't even remember how I got here.
Nina Van Horn: I can't believe I'm not Nina in the Cantina.
Maya Gallo: Big deal. You're Nina Van Horn, and that's better. You're a beautiful, interesting woman, and you don't need an idiotic song to prove that you're special.
Nina Van Horn: You're right. Besides, I'm still James Brown's Super Freak.
"Just Shoot Me!: The Experiment (#2.1)" (1997)
Maya Gallo: You know, Finch, they're people. They deserve respect, you little freak.Maya Gallo: You bought that?
Jack Gallo: Don't be so surprised. I'm going to be a hands-on dad. Dennis, get someone from maintenance to bulid this.
Maya Gallo: Wait. You know what would be more hands-on? Actually using your hands.
Jack Gallo: Fine. I'll call maintenance.
Derek: Where are the menus? I'm hungrier than a triceratops, and they had two stomachs.
Maya Gallo: Wow. You really know a lot about dinosaurs.
Derek: Yeah. I learned everything I know about 'em from this *really* intense place mat.
Maya Gallo: [nodes and smiles] Hmm...
Derek: I also know all the state capitals - quiz me.
Maya Gallo: [laughs] Oh, I don't know...
Derek: Come on!
Maya Gallo: All right; um, Alaska.
Derek: [enthusiastically] Pass!
Neil: Hey, listen, if you're not busy later, I know this great restaurant in Little Italy and - actually, just north of Little Italy which, I guess, would make that Little Switzerland.
Maya Gallo: Okay, that is really nice, but I kinda have this rule against dating people on the job. It's sort a journalistic-ethics sort of thing.
Neil: Hey, I know where this is going, and I'm not gonna let you quit your job, all right? You're too good!
[moves toward door]
Neil: I'm just gonna walk out this door while you still have your dignity, all right?
[puts finger to lips in mock "quiet" signal, exits]
Maya Gallo: Great. So, I have you two going in for interviews at a telemarketing firm. Do you have your résumés?
Derek: Here you go.
[hands Maya a folded piece of paper from his pocket]
Derek: I got rid of the modeling stuff like you asked me on the quote-unquote telephone.
Maya Gallo: [reading] "Gap Store: Liaison between denim and cash register." And, I see you misspelled "denim," "liaison," and "register."
Neil: Way to go with "cash," though.
Maya Gallo: So, do you two have any questions?
Neil: Uh, yeah: Which one of us is supposed to be the handsome guy?
Derek: My agent told me that I was.
Maya Gallo: Derek! Hi!
Derek: I got the job!
Maya Gallo: You did?
Derek: You would have been so impressed: I got through the whole thing without even giggling!
Maya Gallo: And you, Elliot. When was the last time you dated someone who was less than perfect?
Elliot DiMauro: Rachel Drach.
Maya Gallo: November's cover model?
Elliot DiMauro: Her belly button was an outie.
Jack Gallo: What a waste.
Maya Gallo: It must be tough being a male model.
Derek: Yeah. Why's that?
Maya Gallo: Well, everyone's so quick to judge. I mean, just because you do one thing doesn't mean you can't do something else.
Derek: I'm going to the bathroom. Time me!
Maya Gallo: So, what do you want to talk about? Arts? Politics?
Derek: How about politics?
Maya Gallo: Yes, politics! I mean, no one would thing you would know about politics. You have ideas, I have ideas, we can have this back-and-forth...
Derek: [squeezes Maya's nose] Honk!
Maya Gallo: I have to break up with you.
"Just Shoot Me!: Steamed (#3.2)" (1998)
Jack Gallo: He publishes some anti-corporate newsletter. What's it called? The Fink? The Snitch? The Rat?Maya Gallo: The Whistle Blower!
Jack Gallo: That's it. Imagine taking up that kind of valuable office space just to reach a few whiny malcontents.
Maya Gallo: I subscribe.
Dennis Finch: Subscribe? You're Miss December.
Richard: I thought you were different.
Maya Gallo: I am different! Ask anybody, they hate me here!
Maya Gallo: I'm not some spineless lackey who jumps at your every whim.
Jack Gallo: Maya, apologize to Dennis.
Richard: Did you know that there's a factory in Indonesia where old ladies are forced to work sixteen hours a day making American flags?
Maya Gallo: What does that have to do with anything?
Richard: Nothing. I'm just trying to stay angry.
Maya Gallo: You should read The Whistleblower. It's really good.
Jack Gallo: Good? It's not good, it's a bunch of hooey about how big companies exploit workers and waste natural resources.
Dennis Finch: Jack, your driver wants to know if he can stop circling the block.
Jack Gallo: No, I want nice cold air on the way to lunch.
Dennis Finch: What'cha doing?
Maya Gallo: Today's crossword puzzle.
Dennis Finch: Need any help?
Maya Gallo: Are you good at these?
Dennis Finch: I fancy myself a wordsmith.
Maya Gallo: Okay. I need a nine-letter word for hindrance.
Dennis Finch: Um... no idea.
Maya Gallo: Okay. Island in the Aegean Sea, six letters.
Dennis Finch: Aegean... No, sorry.
Maya Gallo: Some wordsmith.
Elliot DiMauro: Breasts, eight letters.
Dennis Finch: Bazongas, balloons, knockers...
Elliot DiMauro: Seven letters, beginning with an H.
Dennis Finch: Hooters, honkers, hi-beams...
Elliot DiMauro: Now in Spanish.
Dennis Finch: Chachas, piñatas, maracas...
Maya Gallo: So you basically spend all your time thinking of synonyms for breasts.
Dennis Finch: I also do bottoms.
Elliot DiMauro: Alphabetically.
Dennis Finch: Ass, booty, caboose, derriere, endzone, fanny, glutey-pops, heinie... Yeah!
Maya Gallo: Me? Why me?
Jack Gallo: Because you've got that certain... you know...
Dennis Finch: Hooters, heaters, mambos...
Richard: Forget it. I'm not giving up my office space.
Maya Gallo: But you don't even know what it's for.
Richard: Let me guess. A lounge so that the models can be alone with their thought?
"Just Shoot Me!: Nina's Birthday (#1.4)" (1997)
Nina: Who do you have to kill to get a drink around here?Maya: I have an idea.
Wally: Hello, and welcome to Wallyphone. If you are Maya and have a great excuse for blowing me off, press one. If you don't have an excuse, press two.
Maya: Wally, I'm sorry.
Wally: For a selection of excuses available in your area, press three.
Maya: Please forgive me.
Wally: You have selected begging for mercy.
Maya: Whoa, back up! You lived with Andy Warhol?
Nina: Well, not exactly lived. I spent three days chained to his radiator. Performance art my foot.
Maya: Finch, the copier's not working.
Dennis: Maybe the dark cloud over your head shorted it out.
Jack Gallo: There was this guy at the Times who hated my guts for no reason. Wait, I may have slept with his girlfriend. He used to take pot shots at me during editorial meetings. But did I hit back?
Maya: No, you charmed him to your side.
Jack Gallo: That's right. He became my biggest supporter. He even gave me five grand to start this magazine. You know what happened the day I was to pay him back? He dropped dead. Pure profit, Maya.
Maya: What are you guys doing?
Dennis Finch: We're pointing out women we'd like to sleep with.
Elliot: Oh, I thought we were pointing out women we already slept with.
Dennis Finch: I don't wanna play anymore.
Maya: So what, Nina? You're still young.
Nina: Maybe for a senator. A model is over the hill at twenty-eight. What does that make me?
Maya: A legend.
Nina: No, no. Invisible. Twenty years ago, I couldn't walk into a restaurant without every man in the room wanting me. Now the only way I can get a reaction is by dressing like an extra from Shogun.
Maya: Let's hear from someone who has an attention span longer than five seconds. Elliot?
Elliot: Huh?
"Just Shoot Me!: Sewer! (#2.11)" (1998)
Nina Van Horn: Maya, your style is fabulous. What did you use on your hair?Maya Gallo: Raw sewage.
Nina Van Horn: Boy, they really are running out of good names.
Jack Gallo: Some years ago I was in Chicago on business, and everyone is telling me about the ribs on this place called Twin Anchors. Well, I walked all over that damned city and didn't find it, so I stop at a little grocery store for directions, and I find this tiny old woman making tamales.
Maya Gallo: Don't tell me, the best Mexican food you have ever eaten.
Jack Gallo: Nope, I got food poisoning.
Maya Gallo: Is there a point to this story?
Jack Gallo: Yes. The delivery girl from the pharmacy next door had the finest bosoms I have ever seen. And this was back when bosoms were real, Maya.
Maya Gallo: Oh, it just occurred to me that I forgot to warn you about Elliot. He didn't try to hit on you, did he?
Erin Simon: Yup.
Maya Gallo: Unbelievable! I would've liked to have seen how you handled him.
[Elliot walks in from the guest room, wearing a robe]
Maya Gallo: I take that back.
Elliot DiMauro: Maya, mind if I use your robe?
Maya Gallo: Not at all. Mind closing it?
Nina Van Horn: But you have to come. I'm making my special punch.
Maya Gallo: You mean vodka and food coloring?
Nina Van Horn: Who told you?
Maya Gallo: My contact says they're dumping tonight. You know how it is with sources.
Erin Simon: Tell me about it. I had a midnight rendezvous with my contact in Lebanon. I'm five minutes late, his head comes rolling down the street like a soccer ball.
Maya Gallo: So, what are you working on?
Erin Simon: I've been uncovering human rights violations in Eastern Europe.
Maya Gallo: Oh, I'm working on quite the hard-hitting piece myself.
Elliot DiMauro: Maya, we need to fill a page. Write something to go with this butt shot.
Maya Gallo: Not now, Elliot.
Elliot DiMauro: If at all possible, try to avoid using the word "asstastic". We've already used it twice this issue.
Elliot DiMauro: Hey, Maya. Mind if I use your toothbrush?
Maya Gallo: Not at all. That's the one I use for grout.
Mel: I once saw my dad wrestle an alligator. All I could do is stand there and watch in horror.
Maya Gallo: Wow. Where was that?
Mel: Right over there.
Maya Gallo: That's where I had my sandwich.
"Just Shoot Me!: My Dinner with Woody (#2.6)" (1997)
Maya Gallo: Haven't you ever wanted to have a deep intellectual conversation with someone other than Claudia Schiffer?Dennis Finch: David Copperfield. I wanna know how that windblown freak got Claudia Schiffer.
Nina Van Horn: You know whose brain I've always wanted to pick? Gore Vidal.
Maya Gallo: Wow, impressive. Gore Vidal.
Nina Van Horn: Did I say Gore Vidal? I meant Vidal Sassoon.
Maya Gallo: Very funny, but to quote the real Woody Allen, if you'll excuse me, I'm due back on Planet Earth.
Woody Allen: I love it when women quote me.
Maya Gallo: Woody, we need to talk.
Woody Allen: Geez. That's what the guys at Orion said when they showed me the grosses for Zelig.
Woody Allen: [talking to the camera] So that's how it ended. She was a great girl, maybe even the love of my life, but that's the way it goes.
Maya Gallo: What are you doing?
Woody Allen: I did see her one more time.
Dennis Finch: Maya, Woody Allen again.
Maya Gallo: Urgh! I told you not to call me until you got help!
Woody Allen: [on phone] Uh, I'm holding for Maya Gallo.
Maya Gallo: Preston, I know it's you! You don't even sound like Woody Allen anymore!
Woody Allen: Preston? Who-who's Preston? This is Woody Allen. I just called to say that I read your piece and I think that you're a great writer.
[as Woody talks, Preston appears with a bouquet of flowers; Maya stands aghast as he sees him and realizes she has been talking to the real Woody Allen]
Woody Allen: [a.k.a Preston] Hi.
Woody Allen: Although, you know, not the best conversationalist.
Maya Gallo: He has the heart of a philosopher.
Elliot DiMauro: Yeah, in a jar on his desk.
Maya Gallo: [catches "Woody" spying through her window and screams] What are you doing?
Woody Allen: At the moment, I'm having a major heart attack. I haven't heard screaming like that since I told Tony Roberts he couldn't be in Purple Rose of Cairo.
"Just Shoot Me!: King Lear Jet (#2.5)" (1997)
Jack Gallo: [looking at a photo] Uh-oh, nipple.Dennis Finch: Really? Give it! I see, there's Waldo. Good eye, chief.
Elliot DiMauro: Let me see. Oh, yeah, turkey's done.
Maya Gallo: Hopefully, this concludes Mutual of Omaha's Nipple Safari.
Elliot DiMauro: Oh, Maya. I forgot you were still here.
Maya Gallo: Well, it was my fault for wearing a shirt.
Dennis Finch: Jack, that was Ally. Something about King Lear.
Maya Gallo: King Lear?
Dennis Finch: You know, to snore or not to snore?
Maya Gallo: How can you hate Shakespeare? In one couplet, Shakespeare is able to capture the gamut of human emotion: love, joy, sorrow, fear...
Elliot DiMauro: Boredom.
Maya Gallo: You too?
Elliot DiMauro: Face it, no one actually loves Shakespeare. They just say they do, like cuddling.
Maya Gallo: If that's so, then why have his plays been performed for four hundred years?
Nina Van Horn: I saw Shakespeare in the park. Seemed like four hundred years.
Maya Gallo: The man wrote 37 plays, each more brilliant than the last. Except for Pericles. I think he phoned in that one.
Elliot DiMauro: Methinks the lady doth pack too much.
Nina Van Horn: A skycap, a skycap, my kingdom for a skycap!
Maya Gallo: My kingdom for a muzzle.
Dennis Finch: Oh, you hate to see this.
Maya Gallo: What?
Dennis Finch: You're the only woman in here. That kind of boy-girl ratio does not favor the Finch.
Maya Gallo: [about Jack's remote control door] Why would anyone need something like that?
Nina Van Horn: Let me tell you about the bad day I've had. It all started when I woke up...
[Jack closes door on her]
Maya Gallo: I want one of those.
Maya Gallo: How could you give those tickets to Elliot and Nina?
Jack Gallo: They asked me for them.
Maya Gallo: But I'm the one who loves Shakespeare!
Jack Gallo: How was I supposed to know that?
Maya Gallo: It was my major in college. I named the family cat Othello.
Jack Gallo: So? You named your turtle Amelia Earhart. That didn't mean you wanted to be a pilot.
Maya Gallo: Actually, it did. I logged in over 400 hours.
"Just Shoot Me!: Elliott the Geek (#2.10)" (1998)
Maya: Don't worry about it. I mean, everyone's yearbook photo is a little embarra... Oh, my God! You were a little fatty.Maya: So, the truth finally comes out. The legendary Elliot DiMauro was once a nerd.
Elliot: No, I wasn't.
Maya: Nerd!
Elliot: Ha, that's very funny.
Maya: Nerd!
Elliot: That's not funny.
Maya: Nerd!
Elliot: Oh, yeah? Oh, yeah? Would a nerd bring a supermodel to a funeral in a stretch limo with four-hundred roses shaped in a giant tear?
Maya: No, but the nerd king might.
Elliot: I can't decide which one to take to the Hamptons. Leone has perfect legs, but Trisha has perfect breasts.
Maya: What a coincidence. You're a perfect ass.
Dennis: Good morning. Hmm, tension in the air. Let me guess: Mr. Love Machine here was going yappity-wappity about getting it on with the ladies. And Mother Superior was all, "What a pig!" And you were all, "But me likie them women." And you were all, "Boo-hoo-hoo! What about our brains?"
Maya: Finch, do you want to get smacked?
Dennis: Kinda. I'm not proud of it.
[Elliot has a zit on his nose]
Maya: Whoa, Krakatoa!
Elliot: It's just a little blemish.
Jack: It's like an escape hatch for your brain.
Nina: [just coming in] So sorry about your pimple, Elliot.
Elliot: How did you know?
Nina: I saw it as you got out of the cab. I mean, we're only nineteen floors up.
Maya: Who was Mr. Farrel?
Elliot: He was my high school coach. We used to call him Farrel the Ferret.
Maya: Why did you call him that?
Elliot: You know, because he was a big man.
Maya: Why didn't you call him Farrel the Barrel?
Elliot: People weren't that clever in my town. When the train went by, everyone would clap.
Jack: Maya, what's more important to a bird? That it has wings or that it has the confidence to fly?
Maya: Uh... Wings?
Jack: Wrong. Witness the penguin, a flightless bird. Do you know why penguins can't fly?
Maya: Because its wings can't support its body mass?
Jack: Maya, there was a time when penguins filled the sky, until the day their confidence was shattered, and they never flew again.
Maya: Ah, I see.
[takes away scotch bottle]
Maya: No more for you.
Dennis: [reading from Elliot's yearbook] Captain of the chess club. Ha ha ha!
Maya: I'm surprised you weren't in the marching band.
Dennis: Whoa, whoa, whoa! Were you ever invited to play the Gator Bowl? I didn't think so.
"Just Shoot Me!: Rescue Me (#2.23)" (1998)
Elliot DiMauro: How are you doing? Everyone's concerned out there.Maya Gallo: You mean everyone's laughing at me.
Elliot DiMauro: Not to your face, and that should count for something.
Maya Gallo: Can I ask you a difficult question?
Shannon: Probably. You are really smart.
Tisha: Let's see how far you can roll up that sleeve. Otherwise you'll have to take off your blouse.
Maya Gallo: How's this?
Tisha: Good. Looks like you get to keep your shirt on.
Dennis Finch: [coming out of his hiding place] Boo. I'm outta here. Boring PG-13 blood drive.
Tisha: She is a writer?
Maya Gallo: I'm not even sure she's a reader. But she's cute and looks good in shorts, and in my dad's world that gets you a Pulitzer.
Maya Gallo: Do you do these often?
Tisha: Sometimes, but mostly I work at the children's clinic. This is quite a change of pace.
[waves hand in front of Maya's face]
Tisha: Look at the choo-choo! Look at the choo-choo!
Maya Gallo: [notices Finch has put shaving cream around her mouth] What the hell?
Dennis Finch: Oh, Cujo, you can't be our family dog anymore.
Tisha: Maya, I want to thank you for organizing this blood drive. How did you get so many people to sign up?
Maya Gallo: We had a margarita party the night before, and nobody knew what they were signing.
Tisha: You didn't put down you blood type.
Jack Gallo: B-positive. That's my motto, that's my blood type. Same as Maya.
Maya Gallo: I'm B-negative.
"Just Shoot Me!: Finch on Ice (#4.22)" (2000)
Nina Van Horn: Friends, clear your calendars. Two nights from tonight, the A&E network is airing my Biography.Maya Gallo: Oh, Nina. That's great.
Dennis Finch: Bottom of the Barrel Week continues, with Nina Van Horn.
Nina Van Horn: It's called Comeback Week, you little hedgehog.
Dennis Finch: Oh! Did you know the hedgehog at the zoo is pregnant? Artificial insemination.
Nina Van Horn: Maya, you're blonde.
Maya Gallo: Yes.
Nina Van Horn: Wow! And may I say, you look hot.
Maya Gallo: Thank you, Nina. That's so sweet.
[after Nina leaves, Maya speaks into her tape recorder]
Maya Gallo: Women are jealous, feel threatened by new me.
Jack Gallo: Dennis, what are you doing?
[sees him staring at a blond woman bent over]
Jack Gallo: Ah, I see you also appreciate a nice backyard.
Dennis Finch: Jack, don't...
Jack Gallo: Just because I'm married, doesn't mean I can't apreciate the view.
Dennis Finch: You're the boss.
Jack Gallo: Oh, yes. Come to daddy.
[the woman turns around; it's Maya]
Maya Gallo: Oh, morning, dad.
Dennis Finch: Want me to drive you uptown so you can hit on you mom?
Elliot DiMauro: There's nothing wrong with a little fantasy. It's healthy. Shows I'm willing to be intimate with you.
Maya Gallo: What was I, some tattooed floozy in thigh-high boots you picked up on some bar?
Elliot DiMauro: No.
Maya Gallo: Then what?
Elliot DiMauro: A naked blonde stranger who wanted to have sex with me. Men don't need all that extra stuff.
Maya Gallo: How did the aquarium shoot go?
Elliot DiMauro: Oh, they threw us out. Apparently, my flash enraged the giant squid.
Maya Gallo: Elliot, we need to talk.
Elliot DiMauro: Not now. I'm busy.
Maya Gallo: You're eating pudding.
Elliot DiMauro: Yes, but I'm fantasizing it's Jello.
Dennis Finch: Does Elliot know?
Maya Gallo: Not yet. He's in a photo shoot at the Bronx Zoo.
Dennis Finch: Oh, did you hear the rhino there has a pet kitten named Rocky? You learn a lot if you rent the headsets.
Maya Gallo: How was the zoo shoot?
Elliot DiMauro: Terrible. None of the animals wanted to come out, except for a spider monkey who spent the whole day pleasuring himself. I'm so tired. I just want to lie down.
Maya Gallo: [steps in with her blonde hair] Are you sure?
Elliot DiMauro: Then again, you snooze, you lose.
"Just Shoot Me!: Back Issues (#1.1)" (1997)
Maya Gallo: It just hit me, you are your magazine. You're glossy, you're slick, the cover looks great, you open it up, there's nothing inside.Jack Gallo: I got another one for you. I get fat in December.
Nina Van Horn: [learning that Maya is Jack's daughter] I'm sorry about earlier, but it's just that there is virtually no resemblance.
Maya Gallo: Go away.
Nina Van Horn: Oh, there it is.
Maya Gallo: Surely you realize that idolizing physical beauty is wrong.
Elliot DiMauro: Oh, really? Tell me what you thought, honestly, when you first saw Michaelangelo's David?
Maya Gallo: I thought it was an incredible sculputure.
Elliot DiMauro: That's right, because David is the perfect male form.
Maya Gallo: No, because Michaelangelo was a genius.
Elliot DiMauro: Imagine if Michaelangelo had sculpted it with the same artistry but made it to look like, say, me?
[poses like David]
Maya Gallo: It would still be a work of art.
Elliot DiMauro: How about now?
[pulls up his shirt to expose his flabby torso]
Maya Gallo: Fine, fine, you win.
[first lines]
Maya Gallo: Bill? It's me, Maya Gallo. Are you sure you want to lead with a story on strippers? What would I lead with? Well, call me crazy, but it is election night.
Anchorwoman: Who wrote this garbage? "Police report that gang violence is down this year"?
Maya Gallo: That would be my garbage.
Anchorwoman: How many times have I told you? It's "police tell *me* that gang violence is down." That way, it appears that I'm involved in the story.
Maya Gallo: You're right. People would like to see you involved in gang violence.
Maya Gallo: Hi, I'm Maya.
Dennis Finch: Well, bye-ya.
Maya Gallo: I'm here to see Jack Gallo.
Dennis Finch: And I'm here to make sure you don't. You should have called for an appointment so I could reject you over the phone. That way you wouldn't have to get all gussied up.
Elliot DiMauro: We're not the enemy here. We just like to look at beautiful things.
Maya Gallo: And who decides what's beautiful.
Elliot DiMauro: Oh, I do. That's the best part.
"Just Shoot Me!: Future Issues (#7.22)" (2003)
Kevin Liotta: You want to hear a funny story? I once ran into your dad at the park.Maya Gallo: You did? What happened?
Kevin Liotta: I told you, I ran into him at the park. Wow, with her in charge, this place is gonna go down the tubes.
Maya Gallo: Why is this girl in her underwear?
Dennis Finch: Oh, we hired her. She's going to jump out of a giant cake.
Maya Gallo: I don't see a giant cake.
Dennis Finch: It's at my apartment.
Maya Gallo: This is so out of the blue. What do you think brought this on?
Nina Van Horn: Wait, I have it. Jack is having sexual problems. Men always freak out and quit their jobs whenever their Peter stops piping.
Elliot DiMauro: They do not! I mean, I assume they don't. I mean, how would I know?
Maya Gallo: Finch, if you're trying to suck up to me because I'm the editor now, it's not quite working.
Dennis Finch: course it's not. It took years to learn to suck up to Jack. Sure, I'll prance around in your underpants to stretch them out, but it won't be the same.
Maya Gallo: First of all, I would never, ever ask you to do that.
Dennis Finch: That was the thing about Jack. You didn't have to ask.
Maya Gallo: Seven years ago, you asked me to help you become a better father to Hannah, but in typical Jack Gallo fashion, you pulled a fast one... when I wasn't looking, you became a real father to me.
Dennis Finch: Jack, what can I say? You the man, so I decided to lay down some mad rhymes.
Maya Gallo: Aw, you wrote him a poem. That's so sweet.
Dennis Finch: It's not a poem, it's a hard-core, def-jam gangsta rap. I haven't had time to lay down the beats, so you'll have imagine the chains and the bling-bling and the Escalade. Here goes: There's a guy named Jack Gallo / Is he shallow? No / He just gots to go / Now he's flying solo... again, you have to imagine the boom-boom and the bitches and the rest. All the while / he made me smile like Gomer Pyle / I look up to him like Fay Wray looked up to King Kong / Like the Chinese to ping-pong / Slap it on da bing-bong.
Jack Gallo: Thank you, Dennis. I'm sure that meant a lot.
Maya Gallo: That was awkward.
Kevin Liotta: Here I come.
Dennis Finch: Oh, no.
Kevin Liotta: [comes skipping in a sailor suit and holding a prop lollipop] On the Good Ship Lollipop / It's a quick trip to a candy shop... Wait, where's Mr. Gallo? Finch, if this is a practical joke, I will literally rip your head off!
"Just Shoot Me!: War & Sleaze (#2.25)" (1998)
Elliot DiMauro: [all reading from newspaper] Congressman Michael Tenzer was lost in a tragic duck hunting accident in the treacherous Louisiana swamplands.Maya Gallo: What?
Elliot DiMauro: Tenzer is known on Capitol Hill as "The Crying Congressman" for his tearful speaking style.
Nina Van Horn: What?
Maya Gallo: He's known as...
[Maya grabs paper]
Maya Gallo: Hey, that's a little rude.
Maya Gallo: Tenzer's wife of fifteen years, a world reknowned marathon runner, has expressed concern over his well-being.
Nina Van Horn: [grabs paper] A world reknowned marathon runner? What?
Elliot DiMauro: [grabs paper] Man buys newspaper with his own money and wants to read it. Whaaat?
Nina Van Horn: Fine, but spend too much time without a man, and you know what happens?
Maya Gallo: What?
Nina Van Horn: I don't know.
Michael Tenzer: Don't call the hospital!
Maya Gallo: Give me one good reason.
Michael Tenzer: Because I'm a U.S. congressman, and I can't be caught in your appartment.
Maya Gallo: I said a good reason, not a spectacular one.
Maya Gallo: Anyone want more wine?
Nina Van Horn: Well, I'm a quart low.
Maya Gallo: Dad, we need to talk about our astrologer.
Jack Gallo: Madame Delores? What's wrong with her?
Maya Gallo: I don't think her heart's in it anymore.
Jack Gallo: [reading] "Pisces: Something bad may or may not happen to you." I'm a Pisces.
Maya Gallo: Don't I get an invitation? Oh, I see. It's boys only. God forbid, a woman should be tough enough for combat.
Jack Gallo: Do you want to go?
Maya Gallo: Sure, I'll go. Unless it rains. Or it's too cold. I don't wanna go.
Jack Gallo: We're fighting against Obsession.
Maya Gallo: Obsession the perfume?
Jack Gallo: Don't laugh. They're the toughest team on the perfume leagues. Their ambush of Old Spice is legendary.
"Just Shoot Me!: Fanny Finch (#5.19)" (2001)
Maya Gallo: Hey, nice suit. Where have I seen it before?Dennis Finch: Fred Savage wore it in the Wonder Years. Got it on eBay.
Jack Gallo: Sorry I can't stay, but I have an aerobics class across the street. I'm dating the instructor.
Maya Gallo: Oh, you're still with Jill?
Dennis Finch: [sing-song] Jack and Jill. I hope she's on the pill.
[Jack stares at him]
Dennis Finch: I'm sorry.
Jack Gallo: How could you say that in front of your mother?
Dennis Finch: She doesn't understand what I'm saying.
Fanny Finch, Dennis Finch's Mother: I don't.
Maya Gallo: Why did he stop shooting?
Elliot DiMauro: I asked him about it.
Maya Gallo: And?
Elliot DiMauro: He said the world was grey and cleaned his ear with my car keys.
Dennis Finch: Just so you know, her name's Fanny.
Maya Gallo: Fanny, as in tushie?
Dennis Finch: Yeah, and you have a big rack. We're all God's children.
Dennis Finch: It's her first time in New York. In fact, it's her first time out of Albany after the divorce.
Maya Gallo: Then she should go to MoMA. They're having an exhibition on the history of the fountain pen.
Dennis Finch: How have you not found mister right?
Nina Van Horn: Here, give this to Horst.
Elliot DiMauro: What is it?
Nina Van Horn: It's a hate letter he wrote me.
Maya Gallo: Wow, so many pages... of the same two words.
Nina Van Horn: You want me to pose for a photograph for him?
Elliot DiMauro: Yes.
Nina Van Horn: Well, forget it!
Maya Gallo: The entire world would see this photograph.
Nina Van Horn: I'll go change.
"Just Shoot Me!: Softball (#3.21)" (1999)
Maya Gallo: What position do you play?Dennis Finch: Catcher. Also the manager. Because of the three P's: poise, patience, and psex appeal.
Maya Gallo: I didn't know we had a softball team.
Dennis Finch: Yeah, we have our annual game against Cosmo this Saturday.
Maya Gallo: I don't remember a game last year.
Dennis Finch: Well, it was called on account of a minor incident the year before. Nina provided protein drinks and we had to forfeit the game because we thought the world was being attacked by giant hummingbirds.
Maya Gallo: Competition brings out the worst in people.
Nina Van Horn: Actually, bike shorts bring out the worst in people.
Nina Van Horn: Hey, Maya. We're thinking on a nickname for you.
Maya Gallo: I don't want a nickname. I wanna pitch.
Elliot DiMauro: How about Swifty?
Glenn: Rocket?
Dennis Finch: Screamer?
Nina Van Horn: Already taken.
Maya Gallo: Shouldn't we go practice?
Dennis Finch: Not in this weather. There's something about my shape and chemical composition that makes me a human lighting rod.
Maya Gallo: It's just rain! You're not going to melt!
Nina Van Horn: Sure. That's what they told my best friend Binnie.
Dennis Finch: Maya, I'm taking you out of the game.
Maya Gallo: Yeah? You and how many Green Berets?
"Just Shoot Me!: Secretary's Day (#1.3)" (1997)
Maya Gallo: I once did a report on the dangers of plastic surgery, and do you know what the statistics say?Nina Van Horn: Yes, that nine out of ten men prefer women with big boobs.
Elliot DiMauro: And the tenth guy preferred the other nine men.
Nina Van Horn: [on her fake breasts] Relax, they're on loan.
Maya Gallo: From who? Jessica Rabbit?
Dennis Finch: Please, I've had enough contact with dominant females.
Maya Gallo: Yes, but unlike the gorilla, I won't be giving you a tongue bath.
Jack Gallo: See what happens when you leave in the middle of a workday?
Dennis Finch: Yeah, the Banana Council offers you three times your salary to be their spokesman.
Maya Gallo: Wow, that's great. Isn't it, dad?
Jack Gallo: Yes, we're all very impressed you fell into the monkey pit.
Nina Van Horn: I know what this is about. You want to have the biggest breasts in the office.
Maya Gallo: Curses! You've caught on to my evil plot to use my bosoms to take over this magazine, and one day, the world!
Maya Gallo: I hoped you're proud of yourself. Dennis came to you with a problem, and do you help him?
Jack Gallo: Yes. I thought he left here very inspired.
Maya Gallo: Oh, Lord, you quoted grandpa.
"Just Shoot Me!: The Emperor (#2.22)" (1998)
Maya Gallo: How am I gonna pass for Nina?Dennis Finch: Eat nothing, drink everything, wake up in the coatroom.
Maya Gallo: Dennis, did you see that? Robert De Niro just spilt his drink on me. This is the best party ever!
Maya Gallo: I love Sting. What's the charity?
Nina Van Horn: It's a proposition against human cloning.
Maya Gallo: They're raising money for that already?
Nina Van Horn: It's never too late to hop in on a new cause. Otherwise you end up with something paseé like orphans.
Oskar Milos: What else would you change?
Maya Gallo: Well, I would lower the waist.
Oskar Milos: To where?
Maya Gallo: The waist?
Oskar Milos: Interesting.
Maya Gallo: It's not fair. How come we don't get to go to any of these industry parties?
Dennis Finch: Speak for yourself, nerd.
Maya Gallo: What?
Dennis Finch: Come hither and take a gander at my clippings. Here's me at a little music party called the Grammys. Here's me at the Bring in the Noise Kwanzaa party.
Maya Gallo: Wait a minute. You're not in any of these pictures.
Dennis Finch: Yes, I am. Here's the tip of my hat. Here's my elbow. See that expression on Barbra Streisand's face? That was when I asked James Brolin to take a look at my transmission.
[people cheer at the dress Milos made for Maya]
Maya Gallo: Wow, they must really love my dress.
Dennis Finch: Yeah, it's totally see-through.
Maya Gallo: Oh, my God! The lights!
Oskar Milos: Now who has no clothes?
"Just Shoot Me!: A Beautiful Mind (#6.16)" (2002)
Nina Van Horn: So me and Cherise are out with the French diplomats, and long story short... Ta-da!Maya Gallo: Wow! Is that an engagement ring?
Nina Van Horn: I don't know. I woke up this morning in the floor of my apartment and I coughed up this. I am the luckiest girl in the world.
Chris: I'd like to stay here yakking, but those mices aren't going to kill themselves. Meese? Mouses?
Maya Gallo: Mice.
Chris: Dammit, I knew that one!
Nina Van Horn: He's cute, he's muscular, he's all yours.
Maya Gallo: But it's not going to go anywhere.
Nina Van Horn: It only has to go one place.
Maya Gallo: Nina!
Nina Van Horn: Your heart. I'm kidding, I meant the other place.
Maya Gallo: He's not dumb. He knows about bugs and tools and... stuff.
Nina Van Horn: See? You're getting dumber already. His dumbness is rubbing off on you.
Maya Gallo: Stop calling my boyfriend dumb! Oh, my God! I called him his boyfriend! I have a boyfriend!
Nina Van Horn: Don't get pregnant. That dumb baby will never find his way out.
Maya Gallo: I am a terrible person. I just did something horrible. Don't you want to know what I did?
Nina Van Horn: I don't know, eat cheescake? Isn't that what you girls agonize about?
Maya Gallo: You're a lot smarter than you give yourself credit for.
Chris: Thanks. Could you tell my wife that? She thinks I'm an idiot.
"Just Shoot Me!: Finch Chasing Amy (#6.6)" (2001)
Maya Gallo: All I'm saying is that a woman's lack of self-worth can be measured by a yardstick I like to call the bikini.Dennis Finch: I likes them small so they don't hold in the big.
Maya Gallo: Can you not look at my chest when you say those things?
Dennis Finch: Sure. Just turn around and bend over.
Maya Gallo: This competition is childish and immature, and I can't believe you would treat a woman like that.
Elliot DiMauro: We did it to you when you first came here.
Maya Gallo: You did? Thanks, you guys!
Maya Gallo: You're fighting over Amy like she were Molly Ringwald or something.
Dennis Finch: You know, there's this section in the video store called New Releases.
Nina Van Horn: If you think I can't kick you in the head, that's where you're wrong. I was a dancer in Vegas.
Maya Gallo: Back off, sister! I didn't stay a virgin through grad school without learning a few moves.
Maya Gallo: There is something to be said about positive reinforcement.
Jack Gallo: Yes, and that thing is...
[Razz]
Elliot DiMauro: [Dennis is now Amy's assistant] I'm screwed! He's going to cater to her every whim. This is what Finch does best.
Maya Gallo: He's not that good an assistant.
Elliot DiMauro: He boils and bottles Jack a special shampoo.
"Just Shoot Me!: Nina Van Mom (#6.10)" (2002)
Nina Van Horn: Chloe. They told me her name is Chloe.Maya Gallo: That's a beautiful name.
Nina Van Horn: I wanted to name her Fluffy. Until the last minute, I was hoping it would be a kitten.
Nina Van Horn: Do I look like I've been drinking?
Maya Gallo: No.
Nina Van Horn: Well, I will in five minutes.
Maya Gallo: We're going to try something different, a little bit dangerous... involving you, me and Finch.
Dennis Finch: I think I like where this is going.
Maya Gallo: You be yourself, Finch will be Chloe.
Dennis Finch: I don't like this.
Maya Gallo: And I will be the spiritual guide.
Dennis Finch: Like Yoda?
Maya Gallo: If it helps you, yes.
Dennis Finch: [imitates Yoda] Mmm, yes, help me it does.
Maya Gallo: You don't want to meet her, not like this.
Jack Gallo: Meet who?
Maya Gallo: No one.
Dennis Finch: Who, your bastard daughter?
[Nina gasps and drops the bottle she's holding]
Dennis Finch: Oh, my God! Did I guess it? I didn't know! I just guessed it, I got it!
Nina Van Horn: Maya, I want you to go to my desk and bring me my biggest, pinkest pill.
Maya Gallo: Got it.
Nina Van Horn: It may look like a paperweight, but it's not.
"Just Shoot Me!: Nina's Choice (#3.23)" (1999)
Maya Gallo: Nina, is that delivery guy still here? I have something for him.[runs into Nina making out with the delivery guy]
Maya Gallo: And apparently, so do you.
Maya Gallo: Nina, what were you thinking, helping an escaped killer?
Nina Van Horn: He's not a killer! Good God, Maya! What do you think of me? Murder isn't sexy. Now robbing a bank... Grrrr!
Maya Gallo: Nina, may I give you a piece of advice?
Nina Van Horn: No, thank you.
Maya Gallo: You always seem to make bad decisions when it comes to men.
Nina Van Horn: Please. I'll have you know most of my marriages have ended in death.
Maya Gallo: Wait a minute! You're dating an escaped convict and the cop tracking him down?
Nina Van Horn: I know it's wrong, Maya. I never date two men at the same time, with the notable exception of the Amazing Ching Brothers who were joined at the hip. But I only loved the one on the right.
Maya Gallo: Nina, don't you see what's happening? You are faced with the most basic decision: Good versus evil. Now it really can't be that hard. Good... versus evil. What do you choose?
Nina Van Horn: I know from the tone of your voice that the answer must be obvious.
Nina Van Horn: I've made a list of their pros and cons.
Maya Gallo: Roy *is* a con!
Nina Van Horn: I know. I have that written here.
"Just Shoot Me!: Maya Judging Amy (#6.5)" (2001)
Maya Gallo: I had no idea finding an assistant was so hard.Jack Gallo: Be patient. The right one will never let you down. It may even become your best friend.
Maya Gallo: Dad, "it" is standing right there.
Jack Gallo: Oh, right. Sorry.
Dennis Finch: That's all right. "It" just got goosebumps.
Nina Van Horn: I can put an end to this discussion if you agree to hire a man. This man.
[pulls out a photo]
Nina Van Horn: His name is Nacho. He works at my dry cleaners, but he wants to be an actor.
Maya Gallo: [gives photo back] Just let me know when Amy comes in.
Nina Van Horn: Hey, he can lick his own eyebrows!
Dennis Finch: Here, let me see that. Hey, I've seen this dude in a movie. A movie with all dudes.
Nina Van Horn: And why were you watching it?
Dennis Finch: I test myself once a year. I was A-OK.
Nina Van Horn: Blush magazine is like an aquarium, where fish get together to put out a magazine.
Maya Gallo: Listen, I have some stuff to do...
Nina Van Horn: Just hear me out. Now in this aquarium, there are many, many different kinds of fish. There's the little goldfish like Finch; The huge octopus, which is Jack; the beautiful starfish, that would be yours truly; and the crusty barnacle, such as yourself.
Maya Gallo: What?
Nina Van Horn: Okay, you can be a sand worm. The point is, you bringing Amy was like bringing a black widow into our little aquarium.
Maya Gallo: That's not even a fish!
Nina Van Horn: Exactly! So what is she doing here?
Nina Van Horn: Fire her, before she fires you.
Maya Gallo: I don't think she can do that.
Nina Van Horn: Maya, she threw her soda can in the trash. Not the recycling bin, the trash.
Maya Gallo: She is toast!
Maya Gallo: I'd like to give you a parting gift, it's called advice. At your next job, stay quiet, do your work, and keep the balloons under the big top.
Maya Gallo: I remember my first boss. Mr. Finkle. He was quite a boss. We used to call him Mr. Stinkle.
Amy Watson: Did he smell bad?
Maya Gallo: No, that was the thing. He was completely odorless.
"Just Shoot Me!: The Odd Couple: Part 1 (#3.24)" (1999)
Maya Gallo: Wait a minute, you had that same look on your face two years ago. You had sex, didn't you?Nina Van Horn: You had sex with Adrienne?
Dennis Finch: Please, stop being so crude. Made love... four times!
Maya Gallo: No offense, but why would she be go out with a little rat like you?
Dennis Finch: None taken. God.
Nina Van Horn: God?
Dennis Finch: Yes. He's finally making up for all the injustices. Having to sit o a phone book for my driver's license exam, not shaving until I was 28... He's taken it all away, and that's how it's gonna stay!
Maya Gallo: I thought you were going to tell him.
Elliot DiMauro: I tried, but he just insulted me.
Maya Gallo: So you're just going to let him become a national joke?
Elliot DiMauro: That was the idea, yes.
Nina Van Horn: Then it's settled.
Barry: Hey, little T.
Maya Gallo: Little T?
Dennis Finch: They called me that because I was a badass like Mr. T.
Barry: Yeah, right! T is for T-shirt. He never took his off for swim practice.
Maya Gallo: Really?
Dennis Finch: My skin is sensitive to the sun's harmful rays.
Barry: It was an indoor pool.
Maya Gallo: You don't think Adrienne will really go out with you, do you?
Dennis Finch: You're right. We're practically different species. I'm not ever sure we could mate.
Maya Gallo: This is about your friend Barry, isn't it?
Dennis Finch: Yes. When I show up with Adrienne, it'll be a swift kick in his nut bins.
[looking at the painting Jack wants to be photographed with, "Self Reliance"]
Maya Gallo: I kinda see it. There's his head, there's his shoulder... What's that he's holding?
Elliot DiMauro: It's too small to be a fishing pole.
Nina Van Horn, Maya Gallo, Elliot DiMauro: Oh, my God!
Nina Van Horn: I was just going to say he's too happy to be fishing.
Maya Gallo: Well, at least he's being self reliant.
"Just Shoot Me!: Prescription for Love (#4.11)" (2000)
Dennis Finch: Poor Maya. Once again you've embarrassed yourself.[puts feet on table, has on fuzzy slippers]
Maya Gallo: What's with the slippers?
Dennis Finch: Calm down. They're not real fur.
Maya Gallo: There's Elliot's cover girl. Gosh, I bet she's bright. "Hello, I'm a skinny model. Do you like my purse? It's smarter than I am."
Dennis Finch: [funny voice] "Hi there, Finch. Can you give me a spanking?" Wait, what are we playing?
Jack Gallo: [working on a crossword] Four letters. Ancient Yucatan inhabitant.
Kaylene: Maya.
Maya Gallo: Please, I'm thinking.
Kaylene: No, that's the answer. An ancient Yucatan inhabitant is a Maya.
Jack Gallo: Oh, my God! That's your own name, and you didn't get it!
Maya Gallo: I have an idea. Sex and the internet.
Jack Gallo: Ooh!
Maya Gallo: Recent appellate court decisions...
Jack Gallo: Oh...
Maya Gallo: She's a model, isn't she?
Elliot DiMauro: I don't think it's really any of your business.
Maya Gallo: So it is a model. She must be from this month's issue, because you've dated all the old ones. Let's see, could it be page 24? Or page 48?
Elliot DiMauro: Maya, it's embarrassing. Just close the magazine.
Maya Gallo: I'm sorry.
[closes magazine]
Elliot DiMauro: [points at cover] It's her.
Patient: Why don't you go out with him? Take your own advise.
Maya Gallo: You have a pen stuck up your nose.
Patient: Do I?
[takes half of pen out of nose]
Patient: Or is this just a great way to meet women?
"Just Shoot Me!: The Withholder (#3.6)" (1998)
Maya: So, how was Jamaica?Dennis: Just like Florida, except everyone speaks English.
Elliot: Tell me you didn't do anything weird like talk about your action figure collection.
Dennis: A: of course not; and B: it's a sound financial investment.
Maya: C: not if you take them out of the box and play with them.
Elliot: I'd love to do to her what she did to him. I'd wine her and dine her, and just when I have her on the palm of my hand, I'd say, "You screwed over my friend, and that's not cool with me!"
Maya: Easier said than done.
Elliot: Oh, please. I date supermodels. She's just a civilian.
Maya: You know, you make it hard to root for you.
Maya: [about Courtney] Just looking at her makes me sick. She's all shallow with her fake laugh. I talked to her this morning, she's so self centered she thinks everything is about her.
Nina: Ahem, I can hear you.
Elliot: I assumed you closed the deal.
Dennis: Please, a gentleman doesn't tell.
Maya: So what's stopping you?
Dennis: Let's just say I did my fair share of body surfing. Yeah!
[high-fives Elliot]
Maya: What does that mean?
Dennis: Let's just say all of Dennis' fun wasn't under the sun. Yeah!
[high-fives Elliot]
Maya: What are you saying?
Dennis: Let's just say the tide was not the only thing going in and out. Yeah!
[high-fives Elliot; Elliot refuses]
Elliot: You didn't get any, did you?
Dennis: No.
Elliot: I'll break it off, but I have to do it carefully. I don't want to hurt her feelings.
Maya: And you call yourself a womanizer.
"Just Shoot Me!: The Devil and Maya Gallo (#1.2)" (1997)
Jack Gallo: Come see your new office.Maya Gallo: I don't need a new office. I don't want a new office.
[cut to Maya at the office]
Maya Gallo: [delighted] Look at my new office!
Jack Gallo: Why are things so serious with you? Relax, have some fun.
Maya Gallo: I will have you know that I do have fun. I go to... I collect... Believe me, I have fun.
Maya Gallo: But what about my new stories?
Dennis Finch: Shh. If you say them out loud they won't come true.
Maya Gallo: Here's my new idea.
Jack Gallo: Lay it on me.
Maya Gallo: A hard-hitting expose on the apalling working conditions of foreign workers on the garment industry.
Dennis Finch: Boo-hoo.
Nina Van Horn: Maya, you're new here, so let me introduce you to the phrase "pooping in your own nest."
Jack Gallo: I haven't shown you the company credit cards.
Maya Gallo: Why do we need credit cards?
Jack Gallo: Look, a hologram of a bird. I bet if you showed this to a caveman, he'd have a heart attack.
Elliot DiMauro: On a scale from nine to ten how much did you missed me?
Maya: If nine is not at all, then four.
Dennis: Ha, ha, haa.
"Just Shoot Me!: Pass the Salt (#2.13)" (1998)
Dennis Finch: I come from a long line of firemen. My grandpa, two uncles, both my brothers.Maya Gallo: So you're the only one in your family who's not a fireman.
Elliot DiMauro: There's a rule that your legs have to be thicker than the hose.
Dennis Finch: Actually, he's right.
Dennis Finch: You don't know what control is. My dad once ordered me kill our Thanksgiving turkey.
Maya Gallo: You had to kill your own turkey?
Dennis Finch: Well, I tried to, but it made like an angry noise, and when I came to, it was gone, along with a sizable chunk of my hair.
Nina Van Horn: So your father is having dinner at your place?
Maya Gallo: How did you know?
Nina Van Horn: He borrowed my pepper spray.
Maya Gallo: Dad, you're being a snob.
Jack Gallo: A snob? Maya, your great-grandfather used to wake up at the crack of dawn to deliver milk around this city in a horse-drawn wagon.
Maya Gallo: Your grandfather was a milkman?
Jack Gallo: No, he was clinically insane... exactly the kind of person I want to protect you from.
Maya Gallo: Thanks for letting me borrow your furniture, Mrs. Boukidis. My dad's coming over for dinner, and I...
Mrs. Boukidis: I know, you don't want your dad to think the neighborhood's gone down the crapper. Me, I'm an optimist. There must be eight hundred heads in New York, only four ended up in our dumpster.
"Just Shoot Me!: When Nina Met Elliott (#4.2)" (1999)
Maya Gallo: I was thinking it would be fun to do an article on lost loves. I mean, everyone's got a story about the one that got away.Dennis Finch: I don't.
Nina Van Horn: Trust me, dear, you will.
Nina Van Horn: You know, it's ironic. The very night I ruined Elliot's once chance at true love was the same night I hit him with my car.
Maya Gallo: That's not ironic, that's what happened.
Nina Van Horn: So true.
Nina Van Horn: Do you by any chance remember that story Elliot told about being hit by a car?
Maya Gallo: Yes, Nina, that was twenty minutes ago.
Jack Gallo: Look no further, I have just the story for you. As usual, my name will be changed to Jeffrey.
Maya Gallo: Got it.
Jack Gallo: I first met her in Shanghai. She was beautiful. Jet black hair. Velvet skin. Toes like peanuts.
Elliot DiMauro: So what happened?
Jack Gallo: I sleep with her one night, and she went off with another man. "Love you long time." There's a lie.
Maya Gallo: You ran over Elliot with your car?
Nina Van Horn: I didn't know it was him. The guy I hit was face down and twitching.
Maya Gallo: And you just left him there?
Nina Van Horn: I called the police, but the General insisted we left. He wanted to oppress his people and needed our country's support.
"Just Shoot Me!: The List (#3.8)" (1998)
Jack Gallo: Maya, I'm worried about morale. What are you hearing out there on the bullpen?Maya Gallo: May I be frank with you? Revolution.
Dennis Finch: It's not like that. Mark treats me as his equal.
Maya Gallo: Oh, really? Does he have action figures of you on his nightstand?
Jack Gallo: Everyone, I'd like to make a toast.
Elliot DiMauro: No, Jack. I'd like to make a toast. To the man who gave me my start, the man whose vision put us all on the map. I owe you everything. In fact, if I could, I'd call the publisher of Manhattan magazine right now and tell him that you belong up on that list and not me. To Jack Gallo.
Nina Van Horn: Hear, hear!
Maya Gallo: Hear, hear!
Jack Gallo: [hands Elliot his phone] Here. His name is Rick.
Maya Gallo: Worst day of your life? You've had three divorces. You passed two kidney stones. You flew a hot-air balloon into the Chrysler building.
Maya Gallo: What are you worried about? It's just a popularity contest.
Jack Gallo: Oh, so on top of everything, I'm also not popular. How could that possibly comfort me?
"Just Shoot Me!: Lemon Wacky Hello (#1.6)" (1997)
Elliot: Maybe it was something we ate.Maya: It's the damn Lemon Wacky Hello! Check the ingredients.
Elliot: [reading label] "Cornstarch, citrus taste and hello."
Jack: [gives Maya a scarf] Here, I saw this and thought of you. The pictures tells the story of a young girl so beautiful she stole envy from the moon.
Maya: Oh, it's beautiful. Thanks, dad.
Jack: Here, Nina. I got you one too.
Maya: [after the planning board falls] Elliot, you took a picture!
Elliot: That had nothing to do with it.
Maya: No, you took a picture of the whole board. You have the order of the pages on film.
Elliot: Hey, you're right. Let's check.
[opens the camera and takes out the undeveloped film]
Elliot: You know, it's usually darker when I do this.
Maya: Elliot, take a picture of me with my perfect board.
Elliot: Move a little to the left. I want to get both of your heads in the frame.
Maya: Remember when I told you I fixed the board?
Jack: Yes.
Maya: Well, I fixed it all right. I fixed it to death.
"Just Shoot Me!: Maya Stops Thinking (#5.21)" (2001)
Nina Van Horn: You think too much.Maya Gallo: That's my style.
Nina Van Horn: Yeah, well, you've been trying the same style for fifteen years now. How's that working out?
Maya Gallo: You made up a story to have sex with me!
Chris Williams: Correction, we already had sex, then I made up a story, and then we had more sex, so there's this sort of murky middle ground.
Maya Gallo: I'm not sure I know what to do.
Nina Van Horn: Just follow my lead. It goes a little something like this.
[Flirts with someone in the bar]
Nina Van Horn: It's all in the hips.
Maya Gallo: But you were sitting down.
Nina Van Horn: Not in my mind.
Maya Gallo: What about that woman from Vogue?
Jack Gallo: She wore a monocle. I can't have that here.
Jack Gallo: You slept with Chris, didn't you?
Maya Gallo: Yes.
Jack Gallo: That's all right. I slept with the girl with the monocle.
"Just Shoot Me!: Jack Vents (#4.5)" (1999)
Dennis Finch: "Rage to Riches". Came in second.Maya Gallo: All right! What did I get?
Dennis Finch: Did you pick him to win?
Maya Gallo: Yes.
Dennis Finch: Then nothing.
Maya Gallo: Rats! I just lost $50!
Dennis Finch: 50? Why'd you bet so much?
Maya Gallo: Oh, I was only going to bet five but then the bookie said "five dimes?" and I said "Fifty dollars? What the Hell?" Fifty dollars, I truly hit rock bottom.
Dennis Finch: Sit down. It just got rockier. Maya, dimes are thousands. Five dimes, five thousand dollars. You lost five thousand dollars.
Maya Gallo: No, no! This isn't happening! This isn't real! Dimes are ten! FIve dimes, fifty dollars!
Dennis Finch: Well, you'd better have it when the bookie comes here.
Maya Gallo: The bookie's coming here?
Maya Gallo: They tend to drop by at the five thousand range.
Dennis Finch: Ooooh! Rags to Riches, you slow, hairy bitch!
Maya Gallo: Elliot, do you know anyone involved in illegal gambling?
Elliot DiMauro: Oh, I get it. Elliot DiMauro, Italian. I must be "connected." I must have cousins in "waste management."
Maya Gallo: It's just that I remember you making bets on the Super Bowl.
Elliot DiMauro: Well, my mother is half Irish, so I must have been drunk when I did it!
Dennis Finch: What are you betting on?
Maya Gallo: Rags to Riches, race 23.
Dennis Finch: Jamaican dog racing?
Maya Gallo: Yes. I like dogs, I went to Jamaica on spring break, and I'm always racing from one place to another.
Dennis Finch: Sometimes I wish you were a guy so I could punch you.
Bunny: So, have you considered our little situation?
Maya Gallo: I have. You talk about honor, but I want you to know that you are nothing more than a petty thug. I'll give you the money, but I want you to know that now I can't go to Club Med, Oaxaca. And this was the year I was going to work up the nerve to jet ski.
Bunny: You're upset about this, aren't you?
Maya Gallo: I think the frowny faces on the zeroes speak for themselves.
Maya Gallo: I'm writing a very edgy article on women gamblers, and I'm looking for some hot leads.
Dennis Finch: On the Yellow Pages? Good work, Matlock.
Maya Gallo: I'm looking for Gamblers Anonymous. Did you know that women are the fastest growth demographic among gamblers?
Dennis Finch: Did you know you work for a fashion magazine?
"Just Shoot Me!: Paradise by the Dashboard Light (#4.14)" (2000)
Maya Gallo: Hey, What's with the outfit?Kaylene: We're doing a Lover's Lane shoot.
Jack Gallo: Based on your idea, Maya. Women in the Fifties.
Maya Gallo: No, my idea was for a story on women in their fifties.
Jack Gallo: Well, that's just distasteful.
Jack Gallo: A notion just popped into my head. Pop, apropos of nothing. What do you say when I say "dating service"?
Maya Gallo: That is a great idea.
Jack Gallo: Oh, thank God.
Maya Gallo: It can be a series of articles on how they're a good solution for the business professional, how it doesn't have the same stigma that it used to have...
Nina Van Horn: No, no, no, dear. We mean a dating service for you.
Maya Gallo: Me? Those things are for losers!
Maya Gallo: Elliot, what was the name of that restaurant in France that you loved so much?
Elliot DiMauro: Le... Something.
Maya Gallo: How would you like it if people were staring at you all day?
Nina Van Horn: Like it? Why do you think I dress this way? Do you realize my bottom is completely numb?
Maya Gallo: I promise I will get you something amazing.
Dennis Finch: Yes, you will. You will go to a dark shop at Rue de St. Jacques at Marseilles. You will give this note to a man named Bobo. He will give you a package. You will not open it, you will not get it wet.
Maya Gallo: Couldn't I just get you some cheese?
Dennis Finch: Oh, it is cheese. It's amazing.
"Just Shoot Me!: The Mask (#3.3)" (1998)
[Maya is the only one in costume at the office]Maya Gallo: That memo telling everyone to dress up, I'm the only one who got it, aren't I?
Dennis Finch: I have no idea what you're talking about, but this just came to you from corporate. Next week is Topless Tuesday.
Maya Gallo: Way to go, Nina. See? I'm not the only one in the Halloween spirit.
Nina Van Horn: Today's Halloween?
Dennis Finch: Every time I come in here, you're either slamming your dad or turning on the waterworks. Could you tell me what he did that was so bad?
Jack Gallo: Thank you, Dennis.
Maya Gallo: When I was five, he paid our doorman to pose as him and take me trick-or-treating.
Dennis Finch: You're not my pretend dad anymore!
Maya Gallo: [dressed as a fairy princess] I don't care if everyone thinks I'm nuts. I'm going to have a good time.
Elliot DiMauro: That's the spirit.
Maya Gallo: Thank you, Elliot.
Elliot DiMauro: You're welcome.
[stands next to Dennis]
Elliot DiMauro: Now, could you please turn my little wooden friend here into a real boy?
Maya Gallo: [dressed as fairy] Dennis, what the hell?
Dennis Finch: Attention, everyone! Did anyone here lose a tooth?
"Just Shoot Me!: Hostess to Murder (#3.16)" (1999)
Maya Gallo: Here, Nina. It's your character for my murder mystery party.Nina Van Horn: Oh, thank God. I thought it was a subpoena.
Maya Gallo: You'll see, this is much better than some industry party. This is a night of violence, betrayal and sexual intrigue.
Nina Van Horn: Have you ever been to an Armani party?
Maya Gallo: You're the bastard son of the wealthy land baron.
Dennis Finch: And you're the bitchy daughter of a wealthy publisher.
Maya Gallo: No, it's your character for my murder party tonight. By the way, it's 1883, not 1853, so adjust your costumes, but I know it's last minute, so I won't get all anal about it. So, are you all syked?
Dennis Finch: I'd be syked if you say "anal" again.
Maya Gallo: Anyway, you're here, and your costume is so authentic.
Glenn: Thanks. Only my buttons are not real whale bone. Keep it on the QT?
Maya Gallo: This is not part of the dinner!
Jack Gallo: No. Tonight, murder was the appetizer. That's not on the cards, I just made that up.
"Just Shoot Me!: College or Collagen (#2.16)" (1998)
Nina Van Horn: That girl is wasting her youth in a place like college. She's going to be a supermodel. She reminds me of me when I was that age.Maya Gallo: No, she can't remind you of you at that age, because she reminds me of me at that age, and me at that age was nothing like you at that age!
Maya Gallo: Is Karey here?
Elliot DiMauro: I heard a crash over at wardrobe, you might try looking there.
Maya Gallo: She's a talented writer, not some empty-headed mannequin!
Nina Van Horn: And what's that supposed to mean?
Maya Gallo: Exactly!
Nina Van Horn: I'm sorry I called you big-headed and snobby.
Maya Gallo: You didn't say that.
Nina Van Horn: No, it's in my other poem, "Big-Headed and Snobby."
Maya Gallo: You know, it's not too late for us. I could take a year off, go hiking through Europe, live in hostels and wait tables to get by.
Nina Van Horn: And I could go to college, do homework and take exams, and read, read, read.
[pause]
Maya Gallo: Seems like a hassle.
Nina Van Horn: Screw it.
"Just Shoot Me!: The Kiss (#2.18)" (1998)
Maya Gallo: [watching Nina drink coffee straight from the pot] You know, if you need a stronger jolt, you could just gnaw on the cord.Elliot DiMauro: Maya, do you believe in fate?
Maya Gallo: Did you find the woman of your dreams?
Elliot DiMauro: As a matter of fact, yes.
Maya Gallo: Let me guess. Early twenties, new boobs.
Elliot DiMauro: No. Late sixties, new hip.
Maya Gallo: All right, you've got my attention.
Maya Gallo: Don't settle. You don't even know what the rent is.
Mrs. Pierce: $200 a month.
Maya Gallo: Sold!
Nina Van Horn: Tonight Binnie and I are going out, but we will spend the entire evening avoiding alcohol and men.
Dennis Finch: That's great. Okay, I'll start the pool. Ten bucks a square. I say Nina is legally drunk and dancing with Euro-trash by 8:30.
Elliot DiMauro: Put me down for 7:15.
Jack Gallo: Moving on... 9:20.
Maya Gallo: Come on, you guys. Give Nina a little credit. 10:45.
Maya Gallo: You know, once in a while you could try staying home.
Nina Van Horn: Oh, no. No more parties at home. No one wants to stay to clean up or untie me.
"Just Shoot Me!: Funny Girl (#3.4)" (1998)
Maya Gallo: No hard feelings. Peanut brittle?Dennis Finch: Oh, I wonder what will happen when I open it?
[opens can]
Dennis Finch: It's peanut brittle.
Elliot DiMauro: I don't get it.
Maya Gallo: [laughing] Check the expiration date.
Maya Gallo: A landscape. It has a nice Ansel Adams quality to it.
Elliot DiMauro: That's because it's a picture of an Ansel Adams picture. That's what he does, he takes pictures of pictures.
Maya Gallo: Well, maybe he's making a statement.
Elliot DiMauro: Yeah, "I'm out of medication."
Maya Gallo: So what do you think of me now?
Dennis Finch: Same as before. Body, ten. Personality, four.
Maya Gallo: Four?
Dennis Finch: Now you're a three.
[Maya pinches Dennis on the nipple]
Dennis Finch: Ooh, eight!
Maya Gallo: Elliot, your turtle bites.
Elliot DiMauro: Oh, yeah? Well, you bite!
Maya Gallo: No, I mean your turtle bit me.
Elliot DiMauro: Oh, he does that.
Maya Gallo: There must be something you can do.
Mr. Weiland: Of course, I have that kind of power. That's why I'm in this office. No air, no view, but I control the borders!
"Just Shoot Me!: The Gift Piggy (#5.11)" (2001)
Maya Gallo: That is so weird. Why would she invite us?Nina Van Horn: Well, because I'm always the life of the party, and you're... I don't know. It is a bit of a mystery.
Maya Gallo: But I couldn't forgive you for blabbing to Robin. How can you forgive me for this?
Nina Van Horn: Hey, I talk too much, you almost killed me. Nobody's perfect.
Maya Gallo: [Robin's party is too full] Screw it. Let's go.
Nina Van Horn: No way. I spent cab fare and I'm using this scarf that I hardly ever wear, and I'm getting my money's worth.
[reaches into crowd, pulls out champagne bottle]
Maya Gallo: How did you know that was there?
Nina Van Horn: How do dogs find their way home?
Nina Van Horn: You know what you are? You're a prissy piggy!
Maya Gallo: Well, you're a blabber piggy!
Nina Van Horn: Well, you're a grudge piggy, and that's the biggest piggy of all the piggiest piggies that there ever were!
Maya Gallo: Hey, Nina. Who am I?
[snorts and does hand gesture]
Nina Van Horn: Barbara Walters!
Maya Gallo: No, I'm Robin. She only invited us for the gifts. She's a little gift piggy.
[snort]
Nina Van Horn: Oh, I see.
Maya Gallo: Hey, mom, I got more gifts! Isn't that super?
[snort]
Nina Van Horn: Hey, gang! I'm registered at Oinkingdales!
[snort]
"Just Shoot Me!: Slow Donnie (#3.11)" (1999)
Elliot: You'll have good food, good wine, it'll be like you're family. Just don't wear any makeup.Maya: Why not?
Elliot: My mom will call you a whore.
Donnie DiMauro: Donnie wants a kiss.
Maya: Oh, that's... sweet.
Donnie DiMauro: Kissy?
Maya: Oh, why not?
[kisses Donnie on the cheek]
Donnie DiMauro: No, Donnie want a kiss like on Showtime.
Donnie DiMauro: Donnie has secret. Promise not to tell anybody?
Maya: I promise.
Donnie DiMauro: You swear? Cross your heart?
Maya: Cross my heart.
Donnie DiMauro: On a stalk of bible books?
Maya: I swear.
Donnie DiMauro: [normal voice] Okay, here's the thing. I'm not really slow. I just faked falling off that tree, and now they wait on me hand and foot. It is the sweetest scam in the world.
Donnie DiMauro: I'm Donnie with a D. Green quarter.
Maya: What?
Elliot: He likes it when people give him money.
Maya: Oh, um... here.
Donnie DiMauro: [throws away quarter] Green quarter!
Elliot: He likes paper money.
Maya: Nice to meet you, Mrs. DiMauro.
Rhoda DiMauro: Nice to meet you. Are you wearing rouge?
Maya: No.
Rhoda DiMauro: 'Cause it looks like you're wearing rouge.
Maya: It's really cold outside, I swear!
"Just Shoot Me!: A Spy in the House of Me (#3.12)" (1999)
Jack Gallo: Just be careful. Don't get all goofy.Maya Gallo: I won't, I'm not a teenager anymore. Duh!
Jack Gallo: We must keep our eye on the ball. Cosmo may be on a winning streak, but the game's not over until the bottom of the ninth.
Maya Gallo: Dad, could you pleasetake it easy on the baseball metaphors?
Jack Gallo: Sure thing. Nina, you're up to plate.
Nina Van Horn: My first love was a peanut farmer named Lyle. God, he was handsome. We used to make love in his barn 'til the cows came home, at which point we'd moved to the grain silo.
Maya Gallo: How did it end?
Nina Van Horn: I was terribly allergic to peanuts, and he couldn't give up the farm.
Maya Gallo: That's so sad.
Nina Van Horn: Yes, I know. It's just like Romeo and Juliet, only with peanuts.
Maya Gallo: Don't play dumb with me!
Jack Gallo: I'm not playing. I'm legitimately dumb.
Maya Gallo: What's your character like?
John Kenny: He's a bit of an odd bird, a dreamer.
Elliot DiMauro: You just said he was a racist.
John Kenny: He dreams of an all white country.
"Just Shoot Me!: The Two Faces of Finch: Part 1 (#6.2)" (2001)
Jack Gallo: I've been giving this a lot of thought, and I've decided that the all G-string issue is the wrong direction for this magazine.Maya Gallo: Dad, I for one am standing by your decision.
Jack Gallo: Which is why we're doing a special feature on nipple glitter instead.
Dennis Finch: Woo-hoo!
[singing]
Dennis Finch: They're bright and sparkly, I touch them in the darkly. Everybody!
[pause]
Dennis Finch: Classic Finch. It's good stuff.
Maya Gallo: Mr. Gallo is very busy at this time.
Betsy Frayne: I think that bra is a little busy.
Nina Van Horn: For your protection, I think you should carry a gun too.
[takes a gun out of her purse]
Maya Gallo: You can't give Dennis a gun.
Nina Van Horn: You're right. The recoil would drop him right in his ass. Here, take this.
[takes out a switchblade]
Nina Van Horn: Remember, it's stab and twist! Stab and twist!
Maya Gallo: Elliot, what was that you told me about the way you walk?
Elliot DiMauro: I took it from Al Pacino. Watch this.
[walks back and forth]
Jack Gallo: More like Al Paqueeno.
Maya Gallo: I don't know what to say.
Nina Van Horn: Well, I do! Your whole life has been a lie. I mean, who are you, really? You could be an old black woman, and we'd never know. But here's a few things we do know. One: I look great all the time; Two: Maya will die alone; and Three: you have completely freaked us out!
Dennis Finch: You all feel this way?
Maya Gallo: Except for the part about me dying alone.
"Just Shoot Me!: Nina's Bikini (#2.17)" (1998)
Maya Gallo: I am officially out of control. See this drink? I didn't pay for it. Just took it and ran.Dennis Finch: Ooh! It's an open bar.
Maya Gallo: And I suppose these postcards are complimentary?
Dennis Finch: Yes.
Maya Gallo: Well, guess who has a salt shaker down their pants?
Dennis Finch: That's just a rumor. It's all me, baby.
Maya Gallo: Judging from the movements of the staff and according to my calculations, we have to be in and out of here in less than... one hour and twelve minutes.
Dennis Finch: Damn it, Red Leader, that not enough time! We'll have to skip ouur nap and go right to the theft.
Nina Van Horn: You have made a big mistake!
Maya Gallo: I'll say. It says here she died in 1972.
Nina Van Horn: Oh, please! That was only for two minutes. I'm obviously fine.
Maya Gallo: I don't care what some dumb Blush quiz says. I'm not unadventurous.
Elliot DiMauro: Maya, look at your score. You're two points away from "sleepy librarian".
Maya Gallo: What leopard print bikini?
Elliot DiMauro: The one Nina wore on the cover of Sports Illustrated.
Maya Gallo: When was that?
Dennis Finch: Let's see, Coolidge was in the White House...
"Just Shoot Me!: Fast Times at Finchmont High (#4.24)" (2000)
Jack Gallo: We just need to find someone who can pass for a high school kid.Maya Gallo: Yeah, but where?
Dennis Finch: He he! You said "buttwear."
Maya Gallo: Nina, your boyfriend is sitting behind my desk naked smoking a cigar.
Nina Van Horn: That is so romantic.
Dennis Finch: I hated high school the first time around. I was too fragile to play sports, never have a date, never went to the prom...
Maya Gallo: But you must have had friends.
Dennis Finch: Just a bunch of guys who called me Denise and took my pants.
Maya Gallo: You're a 33-year old going on a date with a high school cheerleader!
Dennis Finch: Head cheerleader. Top of the pyramid.
Maya Gallo: [sarcastic] Oh, bitchin'.
Dennis Finch: First of all, no one says "bitchin'" anymore. And secondly, it is bitchin'. I'm going back to high school and this time I'm doing it right.
"Just Shoot Me!: The Haves and the Have-Mores (#6.8)" (2001)
Nina Van Horn: Look at what Kevin gave me.Maya Gallo: Aw, I think it's nice.
Nina Van Horn: It's stuffed with ground beef to make it feel more human.
Maya Gallo: Eww!
Maya Gallo: Kevin, I want to talk to you about something.
Kevin Liotta: All right. How about... Denmark?
Maya Gallo: You just need to stop. Just stop everything.
[Kevin holds his breath]
Maya Gallo: Don't stop breathing! Just stop doing stuff for Nina.
Kevin Liotta: Can I make my heart go?
Maya Gallo: You can make it stop?
Kevin Liotta: Just answer quickly!
Kevin Liotta: I got you a present.
Maya Gallo: Thank you. It's a mug, and it says "what would Jesus do?"
Kevin Liotta: My guess would be push-ups.
"Just Shoot Me!: Sid & Nina (#5.16)" (2001)
Maya Gallo: Dad, didn't your doctor warn you about cheese?Jack Gallo: He said too much cheese.
Maya Gallo: How much is too much?
Jack Gallo: Exactly.
Maya Gallo: I know what this is. You only want Hellen because she's with another man.
Jack Gallo: That's ridiculous. You obviously know nothing about male behavior.
Maya Gallo: I know what I saw. Yesterday she didn't have any oomph. Elliot sits down, and suddenly - Bang! Poof! - Oomph!
Jack Gallo: Seriously, people across the street can hear you.
Maya Gallo: Here's my piece on face lifts under thirty.
Jack Gallo: Thank you.
Maya Gallo: And here's my written protest.
Jack Gallo: I'll put in in your file.
Maya Gallo: So how did your date with Helen go?
Jack Gallo: Well...
Maya Gallo: I knew it! You dumped her!
Jack Gallo: It's just that I thought it through, and...
Maya Gallo: Let me guess. Not enough oomph?
Jack Gallo: And hardly any vavoom.
Maya Gallo: What about ha-cha-cha?
Jack Gallo: Your words, not mine.
"Just Shoot Me!: How Nina Got Her Groove Back (#3.9)" (1998)
Maya Gallo: Hey, new shoes?Elliot DiMauro: Yep. Gloria, the girl I'm dating, made them. She's studying to be a designer. She's amazing.
Maya Gallo: They're... nice.
Elliot DiMauro: Nice? These are a work of art. The structure, the design, these shoes are going to take the world by storm.
Maya Gallo: How can you tell the left from the right?
Elliot DiMauro: I have no idea.
Maya Gallo: It's so nice outside, I'm eating out in the park today. I just started reading the most wonderful book called "Jonathan's Attic."
Dennis Finch: Is that the sequel to "Jonathan Finds a Door in His Ceiling"?
Maya Gallo: How's Nina taking it? Imagine the humiliation.
Nina Van Horn: Hey, everyone! Guess who's famous? They said I behaved like a teenager. Can you believe it? Teenager!
Maya Gallo: I don't get it. Why do they hate each other?
Elliot DiMauro: Well, Nina is jealous that Margo gets taken more seriously, and Margo is jealous that Nina gets taken more often.
"Just Shoot Me!: Nina and the Rocker (#7.3)" (2002)
Maya Gallo: I wish I was old enough to have partied in the seventies.Nina Van Horn: Don't worry about it, Maya. We wouldn't have invited you anyway.
Nina Van Horn: I can't stand Simon Leeds. In 1975 he spilled his Bloody Mary all over my one-of-a-kind white Halston dress.
Maya Gallo: Nina, that was twenty years ago.
Nina Van Horn: The fact is, he never apologized to me, or to David Bowie, who was wearing it at the time.
Maya Gallo: May I make a suggestion? Don't sleep with him.
Nina Van Horn: Not sleep with him? That's like telling Picasso not to paint, or you not to... What is it you do?
Maya Gallo: I'm good at Scrabble.
Nina Van Horn: I don't know what that is.
Dennis Finch: You know what I do when a girl doesn't put out?
Maya Gallo: You don't pay her?
"Just Shoot Me!: Bye Bye Binnie (#6.4)" (2001)
Nina Van Horn: It seems my best friend Binnie...Dennis Finch: My friend Binnie, my friend Binnie!
Elliot DiMauro: My friend Binnie can chew through metal.
Maya Gallo: My friend Binnie can't eat soup.
Dennis Finch: We're all sick of hearing about your drunken, slutty, stupid friend Binnie.
Nina Van Horn: My friend Binnie is dead.
Dennis Finch: Heaven just got another angel.
Maya Gallo: Finch, this is Milo. He's also applying for the scholarship.
Dennis Finch: Hello. I'm Jack's best friend. You have no chance.
Milo: Win or lose, I am just happy to have free soda.
Dennis Finch: I just had four. No, wait, three. I poured one down the drain.
Maya Gallo: What are your career aspirations?
Milo: I wish to be mediator for United Nations.
Dennis Finch: I'm not sure. But I'm pretty sure I'll end up being an astronaut.
Maya Gallo: How could you give the scholarship to Finch? The scholarship is my responsibility!
Jack Gallo: Dennis is really applying himself. Why not give the money to him?
Maya Gallo: Dad, we both know he'll just spend it on candy.
"Just Shoot Me!: Blind Ambition (#6.15)" (2002)
Maya Gallo: Are you all right?Jay: That depends. How's my hair?
Maya Gallo: It looks fine.
Jay: Then I'm all right.
Maya Gallo: What is her problem?
Jay: She asked me how old I thought she was, and I think I guessed a little high.
Nina Van Horn: I have dated at least a dozen blind men.
Maya Gallo: Really?
Nina Van Horn: Yeah. I don't know why, but they tend to be fantastic lovers. Maybe it's because there's no blood rushing to their eyes, and it goes to all the other places...
Maya Gallo: Oh, that is ridiculous!
Maya Gallo: You go to movies?
Jay: Of course. We blind people enjoy many of the things that sighted people enjoy. Movies, art galleries, sunsets...
Maya Gallo: Really?
Jay: No, I'm blind. I do go to movies, though.
"Just Shoot Me!: Twice Burned (#2.7)" (1997)
Maya Gallo: There are plenty of good schools.Jack Gallo: I don't want a good school for Hannah. I want the best school, and I can make this happen. I am the Can Do King.
Maya Gallo: Says who?
Jack Gallo: This mug.
[lifts mug that says "Can Do King"]
Maya Gallo: Well, I can't argue with you there, even if I am the World's Greatest Golfer.
[drinks from mug that says "World's Greatest Golfer"]
Jack Gallo: I must have some connections. Woodbridge. Woodbridge. Who do I know went to Woodbridge?
Maya Gallo: Uh, me? I went to Woodbridge.
Jack Gallo: That can't be right, I would have remembered. There would have been plays and recitals... oh.
Dennis Finch: Those of you on the left side of the tram may want to take out your cameras for this awkward family moment.
Jack Gallo: I'm entering everyone's birthdays into my computer. Maya, when's yours?
Maya Gallo: You're kidding, right?
Jack Gallo: It's just that you have one of those birthdays that's hard to remember.
Maya Gallo: January first?
Jack Gallo: I need you to come to Woodbridge with me, to tell them what a great father I am.
Maya Gallo: Oh, you want me to lie.
Jack Gallo: Not lie, just have some fun with the truth.
Maya Gallo: I can have fun with the truth. I used to be good at having fun with the truth. Like when you didn't come to my sweet sixteen party, I told my friends that you were donating a kidney.
Jack Gallo: I'm a giver.
Maya Gallo: And when you weren't there when I had the lead role in Oklahoma, I told them you were in an avalanche.
Jack Gallo: My worst nightmare.
Maya Gallo: And when you weren't at my high school graduation, I told everyone you were hunting Nazis in Argentina.
Jack Gallo: I hate Nazis. Always have.
Maya Gallo: And then there was the time I realized everyone knew I was lying, and that's when having fun with the truth stopped being fun.
Jack Gallo: Please, don't do it for me. Do it for Hannah.
[speaks in high-pitched voice while holding picture of Hannah]
Jack Gallo: Pwease, big sister. I wanna go to the good school.
Maya Gallo: Fine, I'll do it. But that is the most annoying voice I have ever heard.
[opens door, the screeching sound of Cholera Joe Hopper singing is playing outside]
"Just Shoot Me!: A Night at the Plaza (#5.2)" (2000)
Elliot DiMauro: Have you told Nina and Finch yet about your father?Maya Gallo: Not yet. I bought this for Dennis. He's really going to take this divorce hard.
Elliot DiMauro: [reads title of book] Don't Cry, Daddy Still Loves You.
Maya Gallo: It really helped me a lot when dad divorced my mom.
Elliot DiMauro: Maya, you were a child. Dennis is a grown man.
Maya Gallo: He laughs hysterically every time my friend Dick calls.
[Elliot giggles]
Maya Gallo: Oh, good. Nina, you're here. I want you to listen to this too. I have a little announcement to make.
Nina Van Horn: That was the only clean outfit in your closet?
Dennis Finch: If anyone is taking him for a walk, it'll be me.
Maya Gallo: I'm his daughter.
Dennis Finch: Exactly. He chose me.
Maya Gallo: So, did you read the article?
Elliot DiMauro: Oh, yeah. It was very interesting. So how's Jack doing?
Maya Gallo: He's still in denial. You know, he and Ally could really have learned a lot from Janet and Ted.
Elliot DiMauro: Who are Janet and Ted?
Maya Gallo: The couple in the article that you just lied about reading?
Elliot DiMauro: Ah. So, Finch is in a band?
"Just Shoot Me!: Erlene and Boo (#5.18)" (2001)
Maya Gallo: Is Erlene the one who's married to the sharecropper?Nina Van Horn: No, that's Lurlene, and they're divorced now. The weed killer he was using made him grow breasts.
Erlene Noodleman, Nina's Sister: [arm wrestling Elliot] Come on, you don't want to lose in front of this little lady.
Maya Gallo: We're not together anymore.
Erlene Noodleman, Nina's Sister: Well, in that case...
[beats Elliot]
Maya Gallo: Erlene wants to see some museums, so we're taking her on a little tour.
Erlene Noodleman, Nina's Sister: I really want to see the Frick.
Nina Van Horn: The frick? I'm sorry, but someone made that up to fool you into saying something naughty.
Elliot DiMauro: Actually, there is a Frick Museum.
Nina Van Horn: Oh, the Frick! I thought you meant the Keister Museum.
Erlene Noodleman, Nina's Sister: [in bed with Dennis] That was incredible. I thought I was a woman before, but after that, I don't think any man can compare with... compare with... I'm sorry, can we cut?
Dennis Finch: What's the matter, baby?
Erlene Noodleman, Nina's Sister: Can anyone buy this? I mean, look at me... look at him.
Dennis Finch: Hey!
Erlene Noodleman, Nina's Sister: No offence.
Dennis Finch: None taken. But you were into it. A guy can tell.
Maya Gallo: I'm really sorry about this. He's been paying off the writers to put him in these kind of scenes. Earlier in the season he was with two lesbian boxers.
Erlene Noodleman, Nina's Sister: I don't really watch the show.
Maya Gallo: And there was this episode where I was in a baby doll...
[They walk away, leaving Dennis alone]
Dennis Finch: Yeah, and that's the way it's gonna stay! Can somebody hand me my pants?
"Just Shoot Me!: Halloween? Halloween! (#7.4)" (2002)
Maya Gallo: Hey, is that one of Simon's music awards?Nina Van Horn: Yeah. You see that pirate chick over there? I'm going to bludgeon her to death with Best Album of 1983.
Maya Gallo: That's crazy!
Nina Van Horn: I know, Synchronicity should have won hands down.
Maya Gallo: What is your problem?
Elliot DiMauro: Nothing.
Maya Gallo: You are always fighting her over the smallest little thing.
Elliot DiMauro: Little? Yesterday, she takes a banana, she peels a little and takes a bite, peels a little, takes a bite... Peel it all the way down, we're trying to run a business here!
Maya Gallo: This is just like high school. You're like that boy who teases the girl he likes. Maybe she's smart, a little awkward. Her body's not quite developed yet, and then one summer, Blam!, and now what am I going to do with these?
Elliot DiMauro: What?
Maya Gallo: Nothing.
Maya Gallo: [to Vicki] Hey, Betty Boop.
Vicki Costa: Hey. And you are?
Maya Gallo: Fran Leibowitz? Hello, the author? Famed humorist?... I'm Kramer.
Vicki Costa: Kramer! Now that's funny!
"Just Shoot Me!: The Two Faces of Finch: Part 2 (#6.3)" (2001)
Maya Gallo: It's just a salary negotiation. It's not like it's the Paris Peace Accord.Nina Van Horn: Yeah, Kissinger I knew how to deal with him. Tickle spot, left ear, it's like biting into a warm brownie.
Maya Gallo: You just need to not let him set the rules to the negotiation.
Jack Gallo: Nina, could you come in here now?
Nina Van Horn: No, Jack. I want to do it later.
Jack Gallo: All right, we'll do it later. Suit yourself.
Nina Van Horn: You'd like that, you sneaky little bastard?
Nina Van Horn: He played you like the shortest, dumbest fiddle in the whole building.
Maya Gallo: You know, he just tricked you too. You're not so smart yourself.
Nina Van Horn: Hey! Careful, Maya. Some things you can never take back.
[Jack tricked Nina into taking a box instead of a raise]
Maya Gallo: Nina, the box?
Nina Van Horn: The only thing inside was this hideous picture of a hideous baby.
Maya Gallo: That's me, Nina.
Nina Van Horn: I should have known. Last year I got your hideous prom picture.
"Just Shoot Me!: Puppetmaster (#3.7)" (1998)
Maya Gallo: Quick, quick! Channel six, fast.Jack Gallo: Why?
Maya Gallo: My blind date is on. I want to see what he looks like.
Charlton Heston: Hello, I'm Charlton Heston. Ted Kennedy's car has killed more people than my gun.
Jack Gallo: Maya, no!
Maya Gallo: No, no! Channel six.
Steven: How did you wind up at Blush?
Maya Gallo: It's a really inspiring story. Studied hard, went to college, paid my dues... got job from daddy.
Maya Gallo: Why puppets?
Steven: I was obsessed with Sesame Street... in college.
Maya Gallo: Yeah?
Steven: Don't laugh. You'd be surprised how much sense Cookie Monster makes when you're stoned.
Maya Gallo: While Oscar the Grouch just makes you paranoid.
Steven: Yeah. And Big Bird, he looks delicious.
Maya Gallo: Is he saying what I think he's saying?
Dennis Finch: Don't worry. He just wants to nail Nina.
Nina Van Horn: Oh, that is so sweet! I really needed that today.
"Just Shoot Me!: Da Sister Who Loved DiMauro (#7.5)" (2002)
Nina Van Horn: Are things more relaxed without Jack around, or is that the gin talking?Maya Gallo: Could be the gin, could be the brandy you had before the gin. Boop, Bam!
Nina Van Horn: What was that about?
Maya Gallo: You're always taking swipes at me, so I thought I should start firing them back.
Nina Van Horn: Don't mess with me, Maya. I will eat you alive.
Maya Gallo: Then throw me up five minutes later. Zing, shazam!
Andre Delacroix: I'm Andre. I'm looking for Nina.
Jack Gallo: Who is that?
Nina Van Horn: It's the delivery man. He's here to deliver my... my purse.
[picks up Andre's gear]
Jack Gallo: It looks enormous!
Nina Van Horn: It's the latest trend from Milan. Big is in.
Maya Gallo: It's almost big enough for your make up. Bounce, bounce, count it!
Nina Van Horn: You know, that color is unflattering on you.
Maya Gallo: What, because I'm standing up for myself?
Nina Van Horn: No, I meant brown. You look like a frumpy Raisinette.
Maya Gallo: That was unnecessary.
Nina Van Horn: Oh, like the other half of your bed? Ah, order has been restored.
Nina Van Horn: I can't remember the last time I was so disappointed.
Maya Gallo: Was it when Roosevelt was reelected? Teddy? Booyah!
"Just Shoot Me!: An Axe to Grind (#4.7)" (1999)
Maya: Are you all coming to my painting-party on Saturday? We'll paint the walls and have some fun!Nina: What time is it again?
Maya: 8:00 p.m.
Nina: Then I won't be there.
Maya: Why?
Nina: 'Cos I don't want to.
Maya Gallo: Deforestation is not funny. It's screwing up the whole environment.
Scott: Big talk from someone chewing a wood pencil next to her oak desk.
Maya Gallo: The only way that makes sense is that Scott thinks you have feelings for me.
Elliot DiMauro: That's right.
Maya Gallo: Why would he think that?
Elliot DiMauro: Yesterday, he saw me over at the counter giving you a banana.
Maya Gallo: Yeah, so?
Elliot DiMauro: Maya, Scott's a strict Freudian. I gave you my *banana*.
Maya Gallo: Oh, I see. Scott's a Freudian lumberjack who saw you give me fruit.
Maya Gallo: I can't believe you're out with Beth in a pathetic attempt to make Scott jealous. I mean, for God's sake, Beth?
Elliot DiMauro: She speaks very highly of you.
Maya Gallo: Maybe she had me confused with an appetizer.
"Just Shoot Me!: Hello Goodbye (#4.6)" (1999)
Maya Gallo: I had no idea Dagget was doing so badly.Jack Gallo: He's no worse than the others. But what is the point of giving an employee an evaluation if it doesn't motivate him?
Maya Gallo: Motivate him to do what, wet himself?
Maya Gallo: Oh, I get it. You found out I'm doing the employee evaluations.
Nina Van Horn: What was that, sexy?
Maya Gallo: Sorry, Nina, but flattery won't win you a good review.
Nina Van Horn: Well, then what will?
Maya Gallo: Doing a good job.
Nina Van Horn: It's a little late for that, isn't it?
Maya Gallo: I can't evaluate the staff. They're my peers. I'm one of them.
Jack Gallo: Of course you are, my little heir to the throne.
[after Maya says Elliot shoots too many sunsets]
Elliot DiMauro: Oh, by the way, why don't you come to my shoot in Miami? You can block the sun with your big giant head.
Maya Gallo: Where did that come from?
Elliot DiMauro: I'll warn the locals to expect an eclipse.
"Just Shoot Me!: Where's Poppa? (#5.17)" (2001)
Maya Gallo: Nina, we're going to a memorial. I don't think that dress is appropiate.Nina Van Horn: I always wear red at funerals. It's my way of saying, "Here I am, Death. Kiss my ass!"
Nina Van Horn: Maya, if you leave now, I'll have no option but to give Jack a full report on your disobedience, your insolence and your... pestilence.
Maya Gallo: You're going to tell on me?
Nina Van Horn: I prefer the word squeal, but yes.
Maya Gallo: Do we really have to go?
Jack Gallo: Of course you do. Sam Lazary was Blush Magazine's first investor, and a prince among men.
Maya Gallo: Then why aren't you going?
Jack Gallo: I don't do well at these things. I tend to get all blubbery, then I drink a lot, and say angry things to the valet.
Dennis Finch: I'm Jack Gallo! Who stunk up my car? I want names!
[Jack glares at him]
Dennis Finch: Dude, I'm on your side.
Nina Van Horn: Maya, you know the old expression, you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink?
Maya Gallo: Yes.
Nina Van Horn: Harry may be your brother.
"Just Shoot Me!: Guess Who's Coming to Blush (#7.1)" (2002)
Jack Gallo: All right, what have you got?Maya Gallo: I have some great new, innovative ideas.
Nina Van Horn: And some cleverly repackaged old ones.
Maya Gallo: You can have the Equal.
Jack Gallo: Maya, I can have the Equal, I can have honey and molasses, I can go to Brazil, get a machete and hack me a stalk of pure cane, but all I want is the Sweet and Low! But apparently, what I want is irrelevant!
[goes into his office]
Elliot DiMauro: What's with him?
Nina Van Horn: Read between the lines! The man really likes his Sweet and Low!
Nina Van Horn: When a man is like that, there's only one thing it could be: his penis.
Elliot DiMauro: I'm gonna have to go with Nina on this one.
Maya Gallo: It's not that. He's worried about circulation.
Nina Van Horn: In his penis.
Maya Gallo: He thinks the magazine is in trouble. For thirty years he's been able to solve the problem, but now he doesn't fell like he can reach down and pull it out anymore.
Nina Van Horn: Don't make me say it.
Maya Gallo: She's driving everyone crazy!
Jack Gallo: Good! Creative people do their best work when their angry. Mozart used to throw pastry at his cat.
Maya Gallo: No, he didn't.
Jack Gallo: Maybe it was Billy Joel.
"Just Shoot Me!: Two Girls for Every Boy (#3.5)" (1998)
Dennis: Give her a kiss hello. It's very European.Maya: She's from Wisconsin.
Dennis: She travels.
Waiter: Something from the bar?
Dennis: Sea breeze.
Waiter: And for you, sir?
Dennis: That is for me, smart guy. The lady will have a brain eraser, no ice.
Maya: That seems a little strong.
Dennis: Nah, it's like ginger ale. But don't put it near the candle.
Maya: Look, Jill. I'm flattered, but I don't date women.
Jill: Then why would Dennis say that?
Maya: He said that? Oh, he is unbelievable! Did he really think he could get us two together?
Jill: Then he probably wasn't a real Navy Seal, was he?
Maya: No.
Jill: Or the original Nicolas on "Eight is Enough"?
Maya: No, that one's true.
Maya: What is it with men and two women?
Jill: Actually, I kinda get it.
"Just Shoot Me!: The Odd Couple: Part 2 (#3.25)" (1999)
Elliot DiMauro: I think you shouldn't punish others just because you haven't had sex since the mid-'80s.Maya Gallo: Yeah? I think your IQ is in the mid-80s.
Jack Gallo: Enjoy it, son. There's nothing like the magic of marriage number one.
Maya Gallo: Aw, dad, that's the nicest thing you ever said about mom.
Jack Gallo: Good God, number one was your mother?
Maya Gallo: Why do you keep your wedding albums at work?
Nina Van Horn: I move out a lot, often in the middle of the night.
Elliot DiMauro: I say Dennis is in love.
Maya Gallo: I say he's just using her.
Nina Van Horn: I say one more drink and we go shopping.
"Just Shoot Me!: Hot Nights in Paris (#4.20)" (2000)
Nina Van Horn: Well, well, well. Look what the incredibly late cat dragged in.Maya Gallo: I slept over at Elliot's place again and had to run back home to change.
Nina Van Horn: Dear, may I suggest going back during lunch and giving it one more try?
Maya Gallo: You gave me this.
Nina Van Horn: I was incredibly mad at you that Christmas.
Elliot DiMauro: You weren't that shy when you were licking the back of my neck on the subway.
Maya Gallo: I didn't lick your neck on the subway.
Elliot DiMauro: When I come out of the shower, you're singing me a song.
Elliot DiMauro: I thought this place didn't even exist.
Maya Gallo: Oh, yeah? It doesn't exist? If it doesn't exist, then where am I dancing? Where am I dancing!
Elliot DiMauro: Is that how you dance?
Maya Gallo: Sorry I'm late. Did I miss the meeting?
Dennis Finch: Yes, but don't worry, I covered for you. I was all, "No! I disagree! Dad!"
"Just Shoot Me!: Blinded by the Right (#4.19)" (2000)
Jack Gallo: Dennis, get me a bodyguard.Elliot DiMauro: Here. Strong enough for a man.
Jack Gallo: I mean a real bodyguard.
Elliot DiMauro: Are you in any danger?
Jack Gallo: These are very violent times, and a man in my position needs to be careful.
Maya Gallo: Did Trump get one?
Jack Gallo: With an earpiece and a big old gun.
Nina Van Horn: Sorry I'm late. I didn't hear my alarm go off.
Maya Gallo: Why not?
Nina Van Horn: I was locked in a self storage facility in Yonkers.
Maya Gallo: All my feminist friends agree that the covers for Blush are sexist.
Elliot DiMauro: Are these the same friends who thing all intercourse is an act of violence?
Maya Gallo: Jan and Gertie, yes.
Dennis Finch: I'll be your bodyguard.
[all laugh]
Dennis Finch: I'm serious. There are bodyguard schools.
[laugh some more]
Jack Gallo: See, he starts a joke, then he builds on it.
Dennis Finch: Yeah. See what I did there? Pretty sweet.
Elliot DiMauro: How about this? Let me be your bodyguard!
Jack Gallo: See, it's funny when Dennis does it 'cause he's scrawny.
Elliot DiMauro: But I said it with a funny voice.
Maya Gallo: Honey, let it go.
"Just Shoot Me!: Amblushed (#2.21)" (1998)
Maya: Don't think you can weasel away from explaining why you changed the title of my article.Jack: Your title was too confusing.
Maya: What is so confusing about, "The Lost Art of Listening"?
Jack: Who?
Maya: Hello, all! My, what a beautiful morning.
Jack: My, you're happy.
Maya: And why wouldn't I be? When I woke up this morning, I looked up, and there was a bird in my window sill, and it was singing.
Jack: Singing. That's nice.
Maya: It gets better. I step out of my building, and a cab stops right in front of me. A clean cab with a nice driver.
Jack: It doesn't get any better.
Maya: Oh, but it does. I get to work, what do I see on the newsstand but the brand new issue of Blush Magazine, with my article on the cover? An article that took me four weeks to research. An article that I titled "The Lost Art of Listening", but that some one had changed to "Shut Up And Maybe He'll Love You." So thank you. Thanks for everything.
Jack: You're welcome. I'm just happy to be part of your perfect morning.
Maya: I was being sarcastic! I'm furious with you!
Jack: Oh, well, I'd like to deal with this, but I have this thing in my keister.
Maya: Don't think you can avoid this with a bunch of dopey metaphors.
Jack: Dopey all the way to the bank!
Dennis: Is that one?
Jack: I'm not sure yet.
Maya: You guys don't understand. I was staring at a sea of angry flannel. What was I supposed to do?
Elliot: Oh, I don't know. You could have called your co-workers "fawning drones who worship at the altar of greed, lust and egotism"?
Dennis: Yeah. We don't make fun of your religion.
"Just Shoot Me!: There's Something About Allison (#7.13)" (2003)
Maya Gallo: So Elliot, are you still coming by tonight to... help me move my couch?Elliot DiMauro: Yes, but I still have to stop by the drug store to buy some... slip covers.
Maya Gallo: No, you don't need to do that because I have something I can put in my... couch... that does the same thing as... slip covers. So just come over at 8.
Dennis Finch: So, you and Maya are gonna hook up, huh?
Elliot DiMauro: Jeez, Dennis, how do you know that?
Dennis Finch: Please. It's like watching Forrest Gump and Nell plan a booty call.
Elliot DiMauro: My lovelife sucks. I just got shot down by a girl named Burt.
Maya Gallo: Don't look at me. Last night I ordered Chinese food just to hear a man on the phone.
Elliot DiMauro: Ping? He's a good listener.
Maya Gallo: Having sex with no attachments is great. I feel so liberated.
Nina Van Horn: I am so proud of you. It's like watching a horny baby take her first steps.
"Just Shoot Me!: Maya's Nude Photos (#3.19)" (1999)
Dennis Finch: Did someone just say nude?Maya Gallo: What?
Dennis Finch: I definitely heard the word nude.
Elliot DiMauro: From the other side of the office?
Dennis Finch: It's kind of a gift.
[cocks his ear]
Dennis Finch: G-string. Gotta go.
Dennis Finch: I think you're jealous of little Maya, of her vision, of her talent. Because maybe, just maybe, she's becoming the artist you wish you could be.
Maya Gallo: You're not seeing the pictures.
Dennis Finch: Please!
Elliot DiMauro: Wake up, Maya! He wants to see you naked!
Maya Gallo: What?
Elliot DiMauro: He wants a free peek!
Maya Gallo: He does not!
Elliot DiMauro: Is he gay?
Maya Gallo: No.
Elliot DiMauro: Then he does.
"Just Shoot Me!: La Cage (#2.4)" (1997)
Nina Van Horn: What's going on?Maya Gallo: Oh, good, you're here. We're having an intervention.
Nina Van Horn: Hey! Those are vitamins, I swear.
Maya Gallo: No, the intervention is for Dennis.
Nina Van Horn: Oh, goody! I've never been in on this end of one. Who wants a drink?
Maya Gallo: Why can't you let Finch have this one? You go out with thousands of models all the time.
Elliot DiMauro: You don't understand. Nikki is crazy.
Maya Gallo: You're so jealous.
Elliot DiMauro: I'm not saying Nikki's crazy because I'm jealous. I'm saying she's crazy because she is crazy.
Nikki Ellston: Hi, Elliot.
Elliot DiMauro: Oh, hey, Nikki! This is Maya Gallo.
Nikki Ellston: Maya Gallo. You wrote that article about teen heroin addicts in the Village Voice.
Maya Gallo: Yes.
Nikki Ellston: I read that piece. I was really moved.
Maya Gallo: Thank you.
[Nikki leaves]
Maya Gallo: Wow. You weren't kidding. What a loon.
Elliot DiMauro: Believe me, she makes a good first impression.
Maya Gallo: Yes. When I was little I was petrified that there was a monster under my bed that would complement my work.
Maya Gallo: You were right, Elliot. She is nuts.
Elliot DiMauro: I told you. Now let's get him before she sends him to a biker bar in a sundress.
Maya Gallo: How do you know that?
Elliot DiMauro: I just know, okay?
"Just Shoot Me!: It's Raining Babies (#7.8)" (2003)
Maya Gallo: I'm so proud of you, dad. Here Elliot is being completely arrogant, and you rise above it. You are a great man.Jack Gallo: I'm gonna crush him like a bug.
Maya Gallo: Wait, what?
Maya Gallo: You can't manipulate people like that. What are you, a puppet master?
Jack Gallo: I was going to say savvy manager, but puppet master is cute.
Maya Gallo: We're not puppets, we're independent people.
Jack Gallo: No, you're not.
Dennis Finch: What's the worst thing I can do to a woman?
Maya Gallo: Go out with her, and after taking her virginity, dump her and then go to the prom with Susan Wilson.
Dennis Finch: I like that, but it might take too long.
"Just Shoot Me!: Educating Finch (#6.17)" (2002)
Maya Gallo: You took this picture?Elliot DiMauro: Yes, I did.
Maya Gallo: It's called "Self Portrait."
Elliot DiMauro: Yes. That's how I see myself.
Maya Gallo: As a man named Mark Krendall?
Elliot DiMauro: Yes. I see myself as Mark Krendall. Aren't we all Mark Krendalls inside?
Mark Krendall: Hello, I'm Mark Krendall.
Elliot DiMauro: See, Maya? This guy gets it.
[Maya is about to pose nude for Elliot]
Maya Gallo: I feel weird doing this.
Elliot DiMauro: Maya, I'm a professional. Just think of me as a doctor. A doctor who took baths with you.
Nina Van Horn: So you gave him wine.
Maya Gallo: Wine laced with some cat tranquilizer.
Nina Van Horn: You didn't!
Maya Gallo: He's not the only one who can take naked pictures. Here.
Nina Van Horn: Is that a flower coming out of...
Maya Gallo: I used gardening gloves.
Nina Van Horn: Maya, I am more proud of you now than I have ever been before.
"Just Shoot Me!: Shaking Private Trainer (#3.22)" (1999)
Maya Gallo: Can I trust you?Dennis Finch: As long as you're not drunk or wearing a tube top.
Dennis Finch: I see what you're trying to do. You're just trying to soak me for ideas. Well, guess what, sister? It ain't gonna happen.
Maya Gallo: Finch, think of all the women you can tell you're a screenwriter.
Dennis Finch: Too late, I already do.
Maya Gallo: When we finish, I'll cook dinner for you in a tube top.
Dennis Finch: Scootch.
Maya Gallo: Elliot, remember when I showed you that bad screenplay my friend Ashley wrote?
Elliot DiMauro: Not really.
Maya Gallo: It was about a Golden Retriever with a bomb implanted in its brain that gets loose in the subway.
Elliot DiMauro: Oh, yeah. It was called "Stay".
"Just Shoot Me!: Evaluate This! (#7.23)" (2003)
Nina Van Horn: I don't like walking. It's so pedestrian.Maya Gallo: You're walking.
Nina Van Horn: God gave us feet for three reasons: to be massaged, pedicured, and tied to the other end of the bed.
Jack Gallo: I want you to be honest. Really let me have it.
Maya Gallo: Well, you can be pushy.
Jack Gallo: There you go.
Vicki Costa: And you're self-centered.
Jack Gallo: That's it.
Elliot DiMauro: [stands up and slams hand on table] You belittle me!
Jack Gallo: Okay...
Elliot DiMauro: I give and give and you never give anything back!
Jack Gallo: All right, Sally, take a Midol.
Maya Gallo: [finds Nina still on the floor] Oh, Nina! Were you there all night?
Nina Van Horn: I think I blacked out a couple of times.
Maya Gallo: Oh, I'm so sorry... Wait a minute. If you have been there all night, why is there fresh ice in that glass?
Nina Van Horn: Oh, kiss my ass, Nancy Drew!
"Just Shoot Me!: Dial 'N' for Murder (#4.13)" (2000)
Jack Gallo: My point is, if he wants a fat woman, why doesn't he just go out and get one? The town is full of them, and it's not like they're fleet of foot.Maya Gallo: Maybe you're right.
[she sits down, a plink is heard]
Jack Gallo: What was that?
Maya Gallo: The button on my pants.
Jack Gallo: Holy God! It's embedded in the wood!
Maya Gallo: Are you fattening me up?
Brad: What?
Maya Gallo: Be honest with me. Are you trying to make me fat?
Brad: [laughs dismissively] Ha ha... okay, yeah.
Maya Gallo: This is sick!
Brad: You must understand. I admire you for what's inside. It's just that physically I'm not attracted to you.
Maya Gallo: So you're treating me like veal? Here you are making these speeches about judging what's inside, yet you are just as bad as men who worship thin women!
Brad: I can't help it. You're like one hundred pounds away from being a smoking babe.
Maya Gallo: Get out!
Brad: Think it over, think it over. No more dieting, no more going to the gym, you can eat whatever you want, whenever you want and I will only love you more.
Maya Gallo: [after considering it for a moment] No, no, no!
Brad: Okay, fifty pounds and I'll spring for the elastic pants.
Jack Gallo: Don't get me wrong, there are people who are into all sort of weird things. Men who worship feet, women who enjoy a good spanking, the powerful executive who occasionally likes to camp it up as Carol Channing.
Maya Gallo: That last one is a little weird.
Jack Gallo: Maybe so, but that's no reason to hassle you on the parking lot.
"Just Shoot Me!: Brandi, You're a Fine Girl (#5.6)" (2000)
[Dennis is working with his sewing machine]Maya Gallo: Hey, what's going on?
Elliot DiMauro: Dennis lost his penis on his way to work.
Maya Gallo: Hello? Thank God I got through. Do you still have tickets left for the feminist puppetry series? Really? You have every ticket left?
Maya Gallo: She shouldn't be abusing her influence like that.
Dennis Finch: Maya, no can do on those dinner reservations.
Maya Gallo: Tell him I'm Jack Gallo's daughter!
Dennis Finch: As you wish, Evita.
"Just Shoot Me!: At Long Last Allie (#5.22)" (2001)
Maya Gallo: If you want a new job, maybe I can ask my father to find you something else.Kevin Liotta: No pressure.
[tosses mail at a worker]
Kevin Liotta: Magazines should go to your home!
Jack Gallo: If Kevin wants another job, he can be my new chauffeur.
Maya Gallo: What happened to Gus?
Jack Gallo: He kept saying that he wished a righteous rain would wash the city clean.
Maya Gallo: For God's sake, she's half your age!
Jack Gallo: What does that have to do with anything?
Maya Gallo: Nothing. I'm just used to saying it for so long.
"Just Shoot Me!: When Nina Met Her Parents (#4.21)" (2000)
Maya Gallo: You poor thing. How did they take it? Were they crushed when you told them?Nina Van Horn: Crushed? "Crushed" is not the right word, nor is "told them".
Maya Gallo: You sound disappointed.
Nina Van Horn: It's just that I alway fantasized that my birth parents were movie stars, or doctors, or at least people who didn't smell like hogs.
Maya Gallo: Before I figured out what my father did, I always fantasized that he was a blacksmith, working the forge, making shoes...
Nina Van Horn: Well, turns out he's a millionaire. Boo-hoo for you, and now back to me.
Nina Van Horn: Oh, how rude of me. This is... I can't remember.
Maya Gallo: Nina!
Nina Van Horn: I'm not kidding. I wanna say Karen.
"Just Shoot Me!: Choosing to Be Super (#5.5)" (2000)
Jack Gallo: Maya, great job on that piece on women astronauts.Maya Gallo: Thank you. You see? Serious journalism does have a place in Blush magazine.
Jack Gallo: But these photographs are all wrong. There is no gravity up in space, their skirts should be way up in the air.
Dennis Finch: Every day, in some little way, I realize you're a genius.
Maya Gallo: I can't help thinking this is partially my fault.
Nina Van Horn: Don't be silly. It's entirely your fault.
Dennis Finch: Whoop! Nerd alert! Whoop! This is not a drill! Whoop!
Alan: You mock because you have fear.
Maya Gallo: That's true!
Alan: You need to get over your fear. Over... your fear. I believe you can do it. Can you?
Nina Van Horn: Yes, I believe!
Alan: How did that fish get on the line?
"Just Shoot Me!: The Last Temptation of Elliot (#7.20)" (2003)
Rick: I'm just so nervous about my age.Maya Gallo: Don't worry. You'll find that people here are very sensitive.
Dennis Finch: Hey, grandpa. Go to the copier and make copies of this, and try not to break a hip while you're at it.
Maya Gallo: Why are you shouting?
Jack Gallo: Stay out of this, Edna.
Maya Gallo: Edna?
Jack Gallo: If it was good enough for your grandmother, it's good enough for you.
Maya Gallo: Rick, for your first meeting, you might want to take more of a listening position.
Dennis Finch: In other words, Pops, take out your teeth, turn up your Miracle Ear and fantasize about Angela Lansbury.
"Just Shoot Me!: Eve of Destruction (#2.24)" (1998)
Maya Gallo: Dad, please don't run away.Jack Gallo: I'm not running, I'm surviving. Does the antelope stand by the waterhole and converse with the surly panther? Not in my Africa.
Maya Gallo: You two are so alike.
Jack Gallo: Yes, we both spend my money.
Eve Gallo: And we each took a bath with my sister, only I was three at the time.
Jack Gallo: Maya, remember during the divorce we had that talk about how it wasn't your fault?
Maya Gallo: Yes.
Jack Gallo: We won't be having that talk.
"Just Shoot Me!: When Nina Met Elliott's Mother (#4.12)" (2000)
Maya Gallo: Hi, Nina.Nina Van Horn: Morning, Steve.
[kisses Maya on the mouth; stops, looks over her shades]
Nina Van Horn: Oh, my God. I'm at work.
Maya Gallo: You can't give these toys to Hannah. They're too dangerous.
Jack Gallo: Are you implying that I bought these for myself?
Maya Gallo: Not at all.
Jack Gallo: Well, fine, I'm keeping them, because Maya is always right!
Maya Gallo: Maybe we can get him back into his cage.
Jack Gallo: I have an idea, let's herd him there. Here, you take this remote, I'll take this one.
Maya Gallo: Can I be the death buggy?
Jack Gallo: You're not ready for the death buggy.
"Just Shoot Me!: With Thee I Swing (#4.17)" (2000)
Elliot DiMauro: I'm sorry, but it was a boring people discussion about a boring book.Maya Gallo: Boring? It's Angela's Ashes.
Elliot DiMauro: Big deal! "We're starving! Dad's drunk! We're starving!" Yawn!
Maya Gallo: I was thinking we should do an article on women astronauts. Who they are, how they go there...
Jack Gallo: ...what kind of lingerie they wear on Earth.
Elliot DiMauro: That's a great idea.
Maya Gallo: Elliot!
Elliot DiMauro: Hey' it's our tax dollars. We deserve to know.
Nina Van Horn: Oh, my God! My taxes! Ah, screw it.
Elliot DiMauro: Maya, they're swingers.
Maya Gallo: I believe the term is swing dancers.
Elliot DiMauro: No, the term is "horny couple seeks same."
"Just Shoot Me!: Mum's the Word (#5.3)" (2000)
Maya Gallo: [About Elliot not voting] I used to have a boyfriend who felt that way. No, wait. That was Stalin.Maya Gallo: You know, nothing about that show makes sense. How do you lose an eye in a fire?
Jack Gallo: Thank you!
Elliot DiMauro: I'm serious. I can't vote because I've been to prison.
Maya Gallo: Seriously? What happened? What did you do?
Elliot DiMauro: I stole a car, took it for a joy ride.
Maya Gallo: A car?
Elliot DiMauro: I was nineteen. Oh, and it was a mail truck. I wanted to see how fast it would go. Not that fast.
"Just Shoot Me!: In the Company of Maya (#2.12)" (1998)
Nina Van Horn: You remember that PR woman from Cosmo who tried to run over her boss with her car? She was turned into A-list party material overnight. Why? Because she had a hook.Maya Gallo: So my hook is I'm a sexual predator?
Nina Van Horn: Hey, back off! That's my hook.
Maya Gallo: This is ridiculous! I'm being accused of something I didn't do, and I'm supposed to just sit back and take it?
Jack Gallo: Welcome to all three of my divorces.
Elliot DiMauro: So, Miss "women aren't objects"? Is this the pot feeling up the kettle.
Maya Gallo: I didn't feel up any kettle. This is all a scam.
Jack Gallo: Scam or not, we need to protect ourselves. So if anyone asks, this meeting took place in March 1994.
"Just Shoot Me!: Mayas and Tigers and Deans, Oh My (#5.15)" (2001)
Maya Gallo: Have you seen my new intern?Dennis Finch: No. Maybe that's why I had to buy my own licorice.
Maya Gallo: Dennis, he's not here to be your gofer, he's here to learn.
Dennis Finch: Well, he can learn to kiss my tiny heinie.
Maya Gallo: Where have you been?
Dean Cassidy: I was waiting in line for your sandwich.
Maya Gallo: [opens bag] What part of whole wheat don't you understand?
Dean Cassidy: They were out, so I just assumed...
Maya Gallo: Lesson number one: a good journalist doesn't assume.
Dennis Finch: Lesson number two: have your dad own the magazine.
Dennis Finch: What are you doing? That's not his job.
Maya Gallo: His job is whatever I tell him to do.
Dennis Finch: [answers phone] Mistress Maya's House of Discipline.
"Just Shoot Me!: The Assistant (#2.2)" (1997)
Maya Gallo: Any messages for me?Cindy: No. Oh, wait. Death stopped by to say hello.
Maya Gallo: Death?
Cindy: Aha.
Maya Gallo: Death stopped by?
Cindy: To say hello.
Maya Gallo: Was it Beth?
Cindy: Could have been.
Maya Gallo: Was it a short redhead, or a tall guy with a sickle?
Cindy: It was Beth.
Cindy: So it was all a mistake?
Maya Gallo: Of course. My father would never fire you.
Cindy: Then why did he say, "You're fired"?
Maya Gallo: That was phired with a ph. It's gangster rap for, "You're doing swell."
Cindy: Oh. Duh!
Maya Gallo: Do I have time for a shower?
Cindy: Yes.
Jack Gallo: Time for staff meeting.
Cindy: Right after your staff meeting.
"Just Shoot Me!: Finch Gets Dick (#4.4)" (1999)
Maya Gallo: So how did it go in court?Nina Van Horn: Guilty. Can you imagine? A man in a black robe and brown loafers has the nerve to tell me I'm indecent.
Maya Gallo: Nina, you were caught having sex in a glass elevator.
Nina Van Horn: What I do in public is my own damn business.
Maya Gallo: I volunteer at a retirement home. You can serve your time there.
Nina Van Horn: I don't know. I feel uneasy around the elderly. But not you, Jack. I feel just great around you.
Jack Gallo: I didn't hear that.
Nina Van Horn: We need to get him a hearing aid.
Maya Gallo: The key is to keep it upbeat and cheerful. All right, who wants to discuss the reign of terror in Bosnia?
"Just Shoot Me!: How the Finch Stole Christmas (#3.10)" (1998)
Narrator: In a borough just north of the island of Staten / Neath the towers that tower over the isle of Manhattan / Streets were aglitter like a sequined drag queen / And Christmas joy was aflush at Blush magazine / The workers wrapped presents with a nip and a tuck / Everyone was happy...Maya Gallo: God, people suck!
Maya Gallo: I happen to think some people look good in casual.
Nina Van Horn: Like who?
Maya Gallo: Well, like me.
Nina Van Horn: Good God, that's a fashion statement? I thought you were just allergic to everything else.
Maya Gallo: [Nina comes wearing casual wear] Nina, look at you!
Nina Van Horn: You'll never guess who I met last night. J. Crew!
Maya Gallo: Huh?
Nina Van Horn: Yes, Maya, there is a J. Crew. And he helped me rediscover the true spirit of casual wear. I walked to work, and I was warm and comfortable in a way I haven't felt since I was a little girl.
Maya Gallo: But...
Nina Van Horn: I know you don't believe me, but J. Crew lives inside each and every one of us.
Maya Gallo: Nina, I called the company, and you were right. There is no J. Crew. There never was. He doesn't exist.
Nina Van Horn: Then who the hell did I sleep with last night?
"Just Shoot Me!: Old Boyfriends (#2.3)" (1997)
Maya Gallo: That was not what it looked like.Dennis Finch: Good, 'cause it looked like you were making out with your grandpa.
Elliot DiMauro: He's too old for you.
Maya Gallo: Based on what?
Elliot DiMauro: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since he was born.
Jack Gallo: Ally has her hand caught in the VCR. Also, Hannah is crying.
Maya Gallo: Of course. You'd cry too if you realized you're smarter than your mother.
"Just Shoot Me!: Christmas? Christmas! (#6.9)" (2001)
Maya Gallo: Where's your Christmas spirit?Staffer #1: I'm Jewish.
Maya Gallo: [singing] Ooooh, dreidel, dreidel, dreidel / I made you out of clay...
Staffer #1: I'm Jewish. I'm not twelve.
Dennis Finch: White.
Nina Van Horn: Snow.
Dennis Finch: Christmas.
Nina Van Horn: Santa.
Dennis Finch: Elf.
Nina Van Horn: Finch.
Dennis Finch: Ouch.
Nina Van Horn: Weakling.
Dennis Finch: Old.
Nina Van Horn: Hey!
Dennis Finch: Has-been.
Nina Van Horn: Leaving!
Dennis Finch: Passé.
Nina Van Horn: Vodka!
[leaves]
Maya Gallo: Finch!
Dennis Finch: Boobs.
Maya Gallo: We're gonna make this the best Christmas ever.
Ray Liotta: You can't make Christmas do anything. All you can do is let it cover you in its warm embrace.
Maya Gallo: That's beautiful.
Ray Liotta: It's from a screenplay I wrote called Ray and Santa. It's a buddy movie.
"Just Shoot Me!: The Bad Grandma (#6.21)" (2002)
Nina Van Horn: Does it have to be an American flag? Couldn't it be a nice Italian flag? Three simple stripes. Very slimming.Maya Gallo: The building doesn't need slimming.
Nina Van Horn: What are you talking about?
Maya Gallo: What are *you* talking about?
Nina Van Horn: All right, you've convinced me.
Elliot DiMauro: We don't value our elders as much as other cultures do. Old people are meant to be cherished.
Maya Gallo: How are the new dentures?
Elliot DiMauro: Very good. Her chewing is not as disgusting now.
"Just Shoot Me!: The Book of Jack (#6.18)" (2002)
Maya Gallo: I just spent the weekend with Grammy and guess what she gave me?Nina Van Horn: A glimpse of the sad, lonely future that awaits you?
Nina Van Horn: [takes a cigarette pack from a box of old stuff from Jack's house] Look at these. Somebody give me a lighter.
Maya Gallo: Nina, you can't smoke those. They're over fifty years old.
Nina Van Horn: That's why I can. They made them healthy back then. See? No warning.
"Just Shoot Me!: Liotta? Liotta! (#6.12)" (2002)
Jack Gallo: Is that the Maya thing?Dennis Finch: You know about the Maya thing?
Jack Gallo: Who doesn't know about the Maya thing?
Maya Gallo: Hey, what's going on?
Dennis Finch: This is much better than my Maya thing. Mine was just Maya changing into a sports bra.
Maya Gallo: Give me that!
"Just Shoot Me!: Blush Gets Some Therapy (#6.19)" (2002)
Nina Van Horn: How about this? Your feet will float on the street...Maya Gallo: You've pitched that same thing to Calvin Klein.
Nina Van Horn: At least I'm plugging away, which is more than can be said of those hedgerows you call eyebrows.
Jack Gallo: That's enough.
Maya Gallo: Well, at least I'm not thin and tall. Wait a minute...
Dennis Finch: Call her a drunken skeleton. It's a classic for a reason.
Nina Van Horn: Shut up, you little pygmy.
Dennis Finch: Pygmies are great warriors, so thanks for the compliment, complimenter.
Maya Gallo: This is how it should be, us getting together.
Nina Van Horn: Much like your forehead and chin getting together, you thimble-headed freak.
"Just Shoot Me!: That Burning Passion (#7.6)" (2002)
Nina Van Horn: Check out the guy getting off the elevator.Maya Gallo: Who is he?
Nina Van Horn: Well, judging from the T-shirt, he's either a fireman or someone hired a stripper.
Maya Gallo: He's not a stripper. He's a fireman, a real American hero.
Nina Van Horn: I don't like what you're implying about strippers.
Nina Van Horn: You had sex.
Maya Gallo: How... how did you know?
Nina Van Horn: I know your cycle. Every twelve months you have sex. Which reminds me, I have to set my clock. Maya on her back, spring forward.
"Just Shoot Me!: First Date (#4.8)" (1999)
Maya Gallo: Here's my proposal. We go out for dinner tonight.Elliot DiMauro: You mean a dinner date?
Maya Gallo: No, no. Not a dinner date. A dinner meeting. More formal than hanging out, but more casual than a date. Any questions?
Elliot DiMauro: Yes. If we make out, will you bring the proper forms?
Maya Gallo: Guess who's on her way up? My old assistant Cindy!
Nina Van Horn: Oh, no, not that gold brick of stupid from the idiot bank.
"Just Shoot Me!: The Burning House (#6.20)" (2002)
Elliot DiMauro: I have seen my aunt back her car over a poodle. I have seen my uncle beat a black bear to death with a log. But until you see a bird suffer... and so slowly...Maya Gallo: You know how at the end it says that no animals were harmed in the making of this film? An animal was harmed in the making of this film.
Maya Gallo: George Lucas had trouble with his first film, too.
Dennis Finch: No!
Maya Gallo: He was throwing up every day while filming American Graffiti.
Maya Gallo: [on camera interview] George Lucas didn't really throw up, but I know Dennis does when he gets nervous or excited, and I thought he would relate to that.
Dennis Finch: I'm going ahead with this movie, and every day I'm going to think of George Lucas, and throw up.
"Just Shoot Me!: The Pirate of Love (#4.16)" (2000)
Maya Gallo: Hello, I'd like to order a custom teddy bear. It has to have a camera. And is there any way it can be bald?Maya Gallo: We're having dinner with my friend Donna tonight.
Elliot DiMauro: The one you went to Cancun with?
Maya Gallo: She left me for this guy and left me alone at the talent contest. I had to do Who's on First all by myself.
Elliot DiMauro: And we're having diner with her because...?
Maya Gallo: She broke up with her boyfriend.
Elliot DiMauro: The poor thing. So, I'm assuming we'll be making out in front of her?
Maya Gallo: Aha. I'll even let you grope me.
"Just Shoot Me!: The Walk (#2.14)" (1998)
Elliot DiMauro: [showing Maya his new digital camera] Check this out. 1,200 by 900 dpi.Maya Gallo: What does that mean?
Elliot DiMauro: You know, it's digital, it's a very complicated process. I don't have time to explain it.
Maya Gallo: You don't know, do you?
Elliot DiMauro: You open it up and there's no film, Maya!
Nina Van Horn: Mr. Chan stayed up all night to make it perfect.
Maya Gallo: Even if he is just a floating head in a jar.
"Just Shoot Me!: Watch Your Backdraft (#7.9)" (2003)
Maya Gallo: I'll tell you, but you have to promise no judgment.Nina Van Horn: You can count on me.
Maya Gallo: I slept with Pete.
Nina Van Horn: You whore!
Maya Gallo: I said no judgment!
Nina Van Horn: Come on, first you talk about Elliot's "bowls" and then you sleep with Pete. It's not like you're wearing white at the wedding.
Maya Gallo: You told people I slept with Pete?
Nina Van Horn: No, I didn't.
Elliot DiMauro: Hey, Maya. I heard you and Pete played hooks and ladders at the firehouse.
Maya Gallo: You told Elliot?
Nina Van Horn: Yes, but no one else.
Kevin Liotta: Hey, Maya. Sorry about Pete, but the heart wants what it wants.
Maya Gallo: So this is how you help me, by telling everyone in the office?
Nina Van Horn: Only those who would be discrete and would not misuse your trust.
Dennis Finch: Hey, Maya, I heard you and Toastman had a threeway with Pete. Way to go, Superfreak.
"Just Shoot Me!: Finch in the Dogg House (#6.1)" (2001)
Jack Gallo: I wonder if they have soft-shelled crabs yet? You know what I like about them?Maya Gallo: Eating them make you feel powerful like a giant squid.
Jack Gallo: Shark, Maya. I'm a giant shark.
Jack Gallo: Look at all these gifts.
Maya Gallo: [picks a plush bee and reads card] "Let's bee friends."
[picks a plush bear]
Maya Gallo: "I can't bear to be apart."
[picks up a plush tiger]
Maya Gallo: "I miss you, and I'm not lion."
Jack Gallo: That one doesn't even make sense. It's a tiger.
Maya Gallo: Which is "not lion".
"Just Shoot Me!: The Impossible Dream (#6.7)" (2001)
Maya Gallo: They're acting like a couple of twelve-year-olds.Nina Van Horn: Please, Maya. Where I come from, twelve-year-olds don't go around chasing women. They're too busy tending the farm and raising their children.
Maya Gallo: The devil's writing a book, the monster's getting a promotion... Is my life going nowhere?
Nina Van Horn: No, it's not.
"Just Shoot Me!: My Fair Finchy (#7.18)" (2003)
Maya Gallo: Mike is so great. We met at a self-fulfilment seminar. It's so great to have someone who gets you.Dennis Finch: I know. It's like with me and Rhonda.
Maya Gallo: The way he laughs, the way he kisses...
Dennis Finch: The way she cuffs me, the way she doesn't leave bruises...
[both sigh in unison]
Maya Gallo: Rhonda, I know it's none of my business, but I want to ask you a personal question.
Rhonda Ferrara: Yeah, it's pierced.
"Just Shoot Me!: Sugar Momma (#5.20)" (2001)
Maya Gallo: Do you have a title yet?Allison Spencer: Either "Love on the Wings of Passion" or "Slut Bangers."
Maya Gallo: I can't believe you're still in that sick relationship.
Dennis Finch: It's not sick.
Maya Gallo: You have sex for toys!
Dennis Finch: It's much more than that now. Now it's trips and dinners.
"Just Shoot Me!: Miss Pretty (#3.18)" (1999)
Maya Gallo: Get me a meeting with him. Today, if possible.Dennis Finch: That's not my job.
Maya Gallo: What is your job?
Dennis Finch: No one knows.
Maya Gallo: Nina, for the last time, I'm not a lesbian.
Nina Van Horn: Yeah, right. I've seen the way you walk by, shaking your tush. I know that's for me. Well, sorry, toots, but my bus doesn't stop there.
"Just Shoot Me!: The Write Stuff (#7.7)" (2002)
Maya Gallo: What are you most passionate about?Dennis Finch: You know... cats, Britney Spears, porcelain figurines... just typical guy stuff.
Dennis Finch: Write me a new poem.
Maya Gallo: No.
Dennis Finch: I'll be humiliated.
Maya Gallo: No.
Dennis Finch: I have one month to live.
Maya Gallo: No.
Dennis Finch: I'm one-sixteenth Cherokee, and you owe it to my people.
Maya Gallo: No!
"Just Shoot Me!: The First Thanksgiving (#5.7)" (2000)
Maya Gallo: You know what? Next year you can all go tofurkey yourselves.Nina Van Horn: I need to lie down.
Maya Gallo: Don't go in there!
Nina Van Horn: Why not?
Maya Gallo: The light, it's not flattering.
Nina Van Horn: Oh, thank you! That was a close call.
"Just Shoot Me!: Lies & Dolls (#3.13)" (1999)
Maya Gallo: [drinks from a coffee mug] Oh, my God! This is whisky!Nina Van Horn: [holds a similar mug] Oh, my God! This is coffee!
Maya Gallo: I don't want him to think I'm a crazy freak in bed!
Dennis Finch: Then sleep with him. That'll teach him a lesson.
"Just Shoot Me!: A Divorce to Remember (#4.1)" (1999)
Maya Gallo: Nina, will you please tell your cult that Elliot and I are not really married?Nina Van Horn: First of all, it's a church, not a cult, so open your mind. And second, as a deserter, I'd be tied up and caned.
Maya Gallo: You may not take this seriously, but I haven't been asked out in two weeks.
Elliot DiMauro: Have you even been asked?
Maya Gallo: Obviously, I must be giving out some sort of vibe.
"Just Shoot Me!: Son of a Preacher Man (#7.19)" (2003)
Nina Van Horn: Simon's parents are driving me crazy. They are so judgemental. And Simon just goes along, he's like a little boy around them.Maya Gallo: Some people can't get pass the parent-child dynamic. It's tragic, really.
Jack Gallo: Hey, Princess.
Maya Gallo: Hi, Daddy!
Nina Van Horn: They expect me to cook.
Maya Gallo: You don't cook.
Nina Van Horn: I don't even eat.
"Just Shoot Me!: Tea & Secrecy (#4.15)" (2000)
Maya Gallo: To avoid suspicion, we're not going to be able to be affectionate at work.Elliot DiMauro: Uh-huh. You might want to cover up that giant hickey.
Maya Gallo: Hickey? Is it that noticeable?
Elliot DiMauro: You might want to cover it up.
Maya Gallo: How?
Elliot DiMauro: I don't know, duct tape and a beer coaster?
Maya Gallo: How could you do this to me?
Jack Gallo: Do what?
Maya Gallo: Be so damn understanding!
Jack Gallo: Excuse me?
Maya Gallo: I mean, Elliot is obviously wrong for me!
Elliot DiMauro: Excuse me?
Maya Gallo: He's a compulsive womanizer! Finch, how many women has he slept with?
Dennis Finch: Hundred?
Elliot DiMauro: Finch!
Dennis Finch: Thousand?
Maya Gallo: You see? While you're all discussing your little magazine, I have become one-thousand-and-one!
"Just Shoot Me!: Love Is in the Air (#4.9)" (1999)
Jack Gallo: You're a deal maker now. Everything you do must say, "Here I am. I am powerful. I am important."Maya Gallo: Hey, isn't that your ex-wife?
Jack Gallo: Hide.
Maya Gallo: I feel guilty flying first class.
Jack Gallo: What's the alternative?
Maya Gallo: Coach?
Jack Gallo: Ha!... Oh, you're serious.
"Just Shoot Me!: Strange Bedfellows (#7.24)" (2003)
Maya Gallo: I think they mean objectifying women and taking them for granted.Dennis Finch: Chesty has a point.
Maya Gallo: We demand an entire issue devoted to negative body image.
Jack Gallo: I'll give you one article and a plus-size model on the cover.
Maya Gallo: That offer is insulting. We won't even dignify it with a response.
Naomi: We'll take it.
Maya Gallo: What?
Naomi: I mean, it's a very reasonable offer.
"Just Shoot Me!: The Proposal: Part 2 (#5.13)" (2001)
Maya Gallo: Face it, Elliot. You're just not ready to get married.Elliot DiMauro: Fine, I'll admit I had a little case of the jitters.
Maya Gallo: In the ambulance you tried to pull the ring off my finger.
Elliot DiMauro: I was just grasping your hand for comfort.
Maya Gallo: Your foot was on my chest.
Elliot DiMauro: Went to the gym?
Maya Gallo: Yep.
Elliot DiMauro: Had a good workout?
Maya Gallo: Yep.
Elliot DiMauro: Will you marry me?
Maya Gallo: No.
Elliot DiMauro: Drinking tea?
Maya Gallo: Yep.
Elliot DiMauro: Wanna be my wife?
Maya Gallo: No.
Elliot DiMauro: You're going to slip up eventually!
"Just Shoot Me!: Mr. Jealousy (#7.2)" (2002)
Maya Gallo: You can't exploit this poor woman.Nina Van Horn: She's not poor. She's a baroness. That's what it says on her cardboard crown.
Maya Gallo: [thinking] I may have been too hard on Vicki. It may be good to have another woman in a position of authority, break the glass ceiling together... like the damn queen of the world! Why doesn't my dad love me?
"Just Shoot Me!: Hit the Road, Jack (#5.1)" (2000)
Elliot DiMauro: [reading card Maya got for Jack] "I'm glad we got over our little misunderstanding." Wow, they really got one for every occasion, don't they?Maya Gallo: You have no idea. I saw one that said "So you had your second heart attack..."
Maya Gallo: You know, I'm usually not a big fan of flan, but this flan is flavorful.
"Just Shoot Me!: Jesus, It's Christmas (#2.9)" (1997)
Maya Gallo: What about you?Jesus Santos: Me? I'm working hard for the American Dream.
Maya Gallo: Oh, what's that?
Jesus Santos: To open my own smoothie bar. Jesus's Juices.
Maya Gallo: I think we should give the money to Jesus, the night custodian.
Jack Gallo: I know him. He's a nice guy.
Maya Gallo: You know Jesus?
Jack Gallo: Don't be so surprised. I have a rapport with the night cleaning staff.
Dennis Finch: If by rapport you mean that point-wink thing you do, then yes, you is down with the crew.
"Just Shoot Me!: What the Teddy Bear Saw (#3.1)" (1998)
Maya Gallo: Dennis, is my father ready to review articles.Dennis Finch: No. He's still with Hannah and that freaky nanny.
Maya Gallo: I think April's nice.
Dennis Finch: She keeps calling me Button.
Maya Gallo: So?
Dennis Finch: So? In the mean streets where I grew up, Button is what they used to call the weaker kids.
Elliot DiMauro: You grew up in a nice suburb of Albany.
Dennis Finch: In the baddest-ass cul-de-sac in all of Shady Brooks Estates. South of the golf course.
Maya Gallo: Well, at least you made it out, man.
Dennis Finch: Sometimes I think going back there, give something back. Maybe volunteering at the tennis club, maybe the marina.
Maya Gallo: Any other time I would, but I'm having my wisdom teeth pulled out.
Jack Gallo: Didn't you had them taken out in college? I remember sending you a big check.
Maya Gallo: Actually, I used that to cover a bad night at Vegas.
Jack Gallo: Wow. Tell me what happened.
Maya Gallo: Well, I was at the blackjack table and I split tens.
Jack Gallo: [disappointed] Oh, Maya.
"Just Shoot Me!: And the Femmy Goes To... (#3.20)" (1999)
Dennis Finch: Did you see who's here? Me.Maya Gallo: Finch, looking sharp!
Nina Van Horn: Somewhere in New York there's a naked Ken doll.
Maya Gallo: Let me read you this first line, and you tell me if it'll wake up this room full of phonies. "Ladies and gentlemen, we should be ashamed of ourselves." What do you think?
Nina Van Horn: I think you need to have some sex.
"Just Shoot Me!: Donnie Returns (#5.4)" (2000)
Elliot DiMauro: Hey, Jack. Look who's here.Jack Gallo: Hey, Donnie. Who has a pretty suit? Donnie does!
Maya Gallo: Dad, he's not really slow. Remember?
Jack Gallo: What? A guy can't complement another guy in a childlike voice?
[to another worker]
Jack Gallo: You there! Who's got a shiny tie clasp? You do!
Maya Gallo: So you sell insurance now?
Donnie: Oh, I'm not selling anything. I provide piece of mind.
Maya Gallo: Is that somehow connected with the toupee?
Donnie: I don't follow.
Maya Gallo: You used to be bald.
Donnie: No... you must be mistaken.
"Just Shoot Me!: Nina Sees Red: Part 1 (#3.14)" (1999)
Maya Gallo: That's fried chicken. What are you doing?Jack Gallo: I've decided to take my new cholesterol medicine for a spin.
Maya Gallo: But I thought your doctor to stay away from fatty food.
Jack Gallo: My doctor says one thing, my butcher says another. Who are you going to believe?
Maya Gallo: Don't you have a huge crush on her?
Elliot DiMauro: Maya, I deal with supermodels on a daily basis, and I can assure you... that I love her so much it hurts!
"Just Shoot Me!: For the Last Time, I Do (#7.21)" (2003)
Maya Gallo: As I told ten other people, I am very into men. I'm just single because I have higher standards.Elliot DiMauro: You dated me.
Maya Gallo: Why does everyone keep throwing that in my face?
"Just Shoot Me!: Nina Van Grandma (#6.11)" (2002)
Maya Gallo: I wish you two would lay off this birthday stuff.Elliot DiMauro: I think I know what this is about, Maya. Thirty five is a hard birthday. When I turned thirty five, I ate and cried and ate and cried and ate and cried...
Maya Gallo: My birthday is five months from now.
Elliot DiMauro: That can't be right.
Maya Gallo: Remember seven months ago when you proposed to me on my birthday and then you fainted and ruined my birthday? That was my birthday.
Elliot DiMauro: Oh, yeah.
"Just Shoot Me!: Slamming Jack (#5.8)" (2000)
Elliot DiMauro: So this is a gynecologist's office, uh? I always thought there'd be, I don't know, pictures of uteruses on the walls.Maya Gallo: There are.
Elliot DiMauro: [sees them] Oh!
"Just Shoot Me!: Donnie Redeemed (#7.17)" (2003)
Maya Gallo: You know, your life is empty.Dennis Finch: At least he remembers my birthday.
Maya Gallo: You bastard!
Jack Gallo: Hey, Princess.
Maya Gallo: Too little too late! I wanted a pony!
"Just Shoot Me!: Finch and the Fighter (#5.10)" (2001)
Maya Gallo: I'll be looking forward to it.Nina Van Horn: Well, don't look too far forward, because you might find yourself looking backwards. At yourself, running sideways.
"Just Shoot Me!: A&E Biography: Nina Van Horn (#4.23)" (2000)
Maya Gallo: I asked Nina about that incident and she never wants to talk about it. Which it's funny, because she'll go on and on about the time she choked on her beads at Mardi Gras and was legally dead for five minutes."Just Shoot Me!: Rivals in Romance (#7.14)" (2003)
Elliot DiMauro: There are hundreds of people who would give their eye teeth to spend a day with me.Maya Gallo: Like who, your mother?
Elliot DiMauro: For one, yes!
Maya Gallo: Every day I wonder how I let you be on top of me.
"Just Shoot Me!: About a Boy (#6.13)" (2002)
Maya Gallo: You are trying to manipulate this poor woman and I want no part of it.Kevin Liotta: What is your problem? Leave him alone.
Maya Gallo: What?
Kevin Liotta: Why are you trying to control everything?
Maya Gallo: But he's doing something wrong.
Kevin Liotta: So, you're not the world's policeman. Did you ever think that people might like you better if you didn't boss everyone around?
Maya Gallo: My God, you're right. Thank you, Kevin.
Kevin Liotta: You're welcome. I am a student of people.
"Just Shoot Me!: Friends and Neighbors (#6.14)" (2002)
Maya Gallo: Why are you doing this to me?Nina Van Horn: Why does the sun shine? Why does the rain fall?
"Just Shoot Me!: Blackjack (#4.18)" (2000)
Maya Gallo: I'm thinking it'll be like The New Yorker, only smarter, without the flash."Just Shoot Me!: Toy Story (#3.17)" (1999)
Maya Gallo: This time I think I've really outdone myself. I got Elliot a great present.Dennis Finch: You mean like soap?
Maya Gallo: It wasn't just soap. It was soap of the month.
Dennis Finch: Yeah, twelve timely reminders that your present sucks.
"Just Shoot Me!: The Proposal: Part 1 (#5.12)" (2001)
Elliot DiMauro: What the hell is going on?Maya Gallo: They canceled Nina Van Horn Day.
Elliot DiMauro: What? Why?
Maya Gallo: [crying] Apparently one of my underground films from the '70s appeared in the Video Barn. Now they say I'm setting a bad example.
Maya Gallo: Some close-minded people can be a little uptight about a little nudity.
Nina Van Horn: ...and other stuff.
"Just Shoot Me!: Nina Sees Red: Part 2 (#3.15)" (1999)
Maya Gallo: What are you bidding on?Jack Gallo: I don't know. An elephant tusk, a stuffed marlin...
Maya Gallo: Something dead to spruce up the living room?
Jack Gallo: Exactly.
"Just Shoot Me!: The Goodbye Girl (#7.16)" (2003)
Vicki Costa: You probably think I'm crazy.Maya Gallo: Not really. I have a secret fantasy that I was a federal agent. I even have a code name: Agent M. I'd be the first in the room, and I would be all, "Freeze, sucka! This is a raid!"
[Nina runs out of her office and slides to a stop]
Nina Van Horn: Don't you ever do that again!
"Just Shoot Me!: Blackmail Photographer (#4.3)" (1999)
Maya Gallo: Don't tell me you're one of those people who believe the moon landing didn't happen.Nina Van Horn: Of course it happened.
Maya Gallo: Thank you.
Nina Van Horn: ...in front of a film crew at the Mohave Dessert.
"Just Shoot Me!: The Talented Mr. Finch (#7.12)" (2003)
Elliot DiMauro: I feel like a twelve year old boy.Maya Gallo: You are not a twelve year old boy.
Vicki Costa: You're a twelve year old girl, you big ballerina.
"Just Shoot Me!: Jack Gets Tough (#4.10)" (1999)
Maya Gallo: I'm proud of you.Jack Gallo: Thank you, Maya. That's great coming from someone who's not just trying to kiss my ass.
Nina Van Horn: Jack, it's better than the Bible! I'm almost at page seven, and I'm riveted.
"Just Shoot Me!: Jack's Old Partner (#2.20)" (1998)
Jack Gallo: Oh, man, he's going to kill me.Maya Gallo: Don't worry. He wouldn't be able to choose a weapon.
"Just Shoot Me!: Bravefinch (#2.19)" (1998)
Maya Gallo: Will you wear one of our buttons?Elliot DiMauro: [reading button] "Drugs hurt."
Maya Gallo: [puts on button] Ouch! Shoot, I'm bleeding.
Elliot DiMauro: There's a band-aid over there.
Maya Gallo: Thank you.
Elliot DiMauro: You should just say no to "no drugs" buttons.
"Just Shoot Me!: Dog Day Afternoon (#5.9)" (2000)
Maya Gallo: He was sitting there begging for my scone.Dennis Finch: A cat wouldn't do that. Too much pride. Dogs are the whores of the animal kingdom. Look it up.
Travelling is my life
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