Death and Grief Cuban Style-Or is that American Style?
A Mother and Daughters Perspective
Janice M. Heller
BACKGROUND INFORMATION
Two very strong and wise women consented to my interviewing them about death andthe process of grief as they have experienced it. The interviews were conductedseparately, about a week apart. H., a woman I work with, who the day after thisinterview was turning 43 years old, is a first generation American born to a Cubanmother and Spanish father. Her mother, N., is 71, and moved from Cuba to Yonkers,New York, with her husband of six months when she was 25 years old. Three yearsafter arriving in America, H. was born. Both women have been divorced twice. N.divorced her Spanish husband in 1970 and moved to Jackson Heights with H. and herson, S., born about five years after H. After being single for about a year and one-half, N. married an American with whom she lived for the next nine years, moving toFlorida in 1973. H. was married for about a year and one-half each time, and bothmarriages were to Cuban-American men. They did not have any children. H. movedto Colorado in 1994, and her mother followed her there in 1996.
N. worked as an officer at a bank in Florida for 21 years, retiring early in 1992. H. isthe first woman in her family to attend college. She holds an Associates Degree inBusiness and a Bachelors Degree in Sociology and Psychology. Currently, H. isemployed at Donor Alliance (a procurement agency for organ and tissuetransplantation) as a Family Support Coordinator. Both women were raised Catholic,H. attending Catholic school from kindergarten through the 9th grade. The familyattended mass in Latin together every Sunday. At this time, neither woman attendschurch on a regular basis, although both still believe in God and talked about theinfluence their religious/spiritual beliefs have on their ability to grieve.
I learned a great deal from these two womenbeyond the scope of the questionsrecommended for this interview. You will therefore find that Ive included some ofwhat I learned from them in conjunction with their answers to the interview questions. You will also notice that N. occasionally still speaks in broken English. I hope youfind her quotes to provide a Cuban flavor to this paper; I know I found her accentendearing, and I certainly felt a bit of Cuba while I spent time with her.
TRADITIONS AND RITUALS USED TO COMMEMORATE A DEATH and
SOME DIFFERENCES BETWEEN CUBAN AND AMERICAN CULTURES
Both H. and her mother, N., focused primarily on the death of N.s mother (Hsgrandmother) in our discussions. (For the purpose of this paper, I will use the initialG. for N.s mother, Hs grandmother.) This is the first death H. had dealt with in herlife other than that of distant relatives and acquaintances. N., on the other hand, hadexperienced other deaths of people close to her besides that of her mother. With me,N. spoke of the death of her biological father, her American father-in-laws death, andthe grief experiences of several friends.
N. explained that years ago in Cuba, viewing of the deceased took place in their livingroom. She speculated that this may still be done today in some of the more remoteareas of Cuba, Costa Rica, and Mexico, although she could not say for certain sinceshe has not visited her homeland in a very long time. However, her memories offunerals while she was still in Cuba were of the deceased being taken to a funeralhome. Most of the people in her family, such as her father, aunt, and grandmother,died in Cuba when she was already in America, and she was not able to go back andattend their funerals. Therefore, most of her experiences surrounding death andfunerals have taken place since N. has been in America. Still, there are Cubaninfluences that she told me about when we discussed the funeral of her mother, G.
N. made the arrangements for G.s funeral. Not unlike most American funerals, theviewing was set up to last for several days since there were so many people comingfrom different places. H. had already moved to Colorado, and N.s brother needed tocome from New York. As H. explained, My grandmother had a full life, she diedwhen she was almost 90, and she had been sick for a whilethe kids came and thegrandparents cameeverybody who could possibly come, came. She was like the lastof seven brothers and sisters that had passedso it was real interesting. She was veryhonored and a lot of people loved her, people who were not only members of thefamily but were good friends. People cared about her a great deal, so people camefrom different places, all over Florida.
Both N. and H. described the expectation that G.s body not be left alone. We wouldspend the whole night, said N. H. told me that they spent the night at the funeralhome in reclinersset up by the funeral home, which happened to be a Cubanmortuary in Florida. N. explained, Its not like AmericansAmericans go from1:00 to 8:00 oclock or from 1:00-10:00 and that was it. We would not. Once thebody is there, we would stay with that body until it is buried. When I asked N. if sheknew the reason why it was important to stay with the body all night, N. respondedwith, Its just part of the culture.
At the same time, N. spoke about being caught between American and Cubantraditions. Like you make a combination of the Cuban with the American. Mybrother says, Im going to order some food and some people are going to go to thehouse. I had company already for two days and I didnt want to talk with nobody. Ijust wanted to be by myself, mourn by myself. Maybe Im wrong: I dont know. N.talked about how much the focus on food during the time of her mothers funeralbothered her. In my country, I dont know if we are more emotional, or I dontknow; I dont want to be prejudice in that point, but we dont eat. We just have coffeeand a little bit of milk, a little cracker, but we dont eat, we are mourning! We arehurting! H. also spoke with me about how Americans and Cubans approach the ideaof food while mourning in different ways. There was lots of coffee being passedaroundespresso coffee. I rememberwhose going to get dinner? We would go inshiftslike Grandma was going anywhere! We couldnt leave her alone, so certainshifts went and ate and came back; the other shift would go and eat and comebacksomebody was always there keeping her company. N. told me, She was myMom! I didnt want to leave her alonelike my brother said, Lets go to eat, and Isaid, No, I dont want to eat. Ill bring you something. No, its not proper that Ieat here, while the body is there; its not nice. He would go and eat, my kids went toeat and all that, but I couldnt eat.
I empathized with N., saying, How hard it must be to have your culturepulling atyou and then be somewhere else and thinking, Well, now that Im here, maybe Imsupposed to do it this way, but maybe still wanting to do it this other waybecausethats more familiar to you and what feels right to you. N. replied with, Yeah, butat the same time I think, What is appropriate? Thats my point of view, Whatsappropriate? Like my mother, I had been dealing with her for years, and its a relief,so you just want to let it go. She had been sick for 15 years, and I was taking care ofherit was kind of hard. So, when she died, I said, Thats it, I mean, God forgiveme, but this is a relief because for hershe didnt talk, she was paralyzed on one side,she had to be fed, bathed, everything, and she wouldnt talk. So, I stay all night: nosleep, no eating, no nothingbut like you said, I was between tradition and everythingelse. Between two cultures. What should I do? And then I ask my kids, and ofcourse, they are American! Oh Mom, dont be silly! What are you going to do? N. expressed feeling pressured to have people over to her house after the funeral, andin order to be more American, she conceded. So you know, a few people came to thehouse, and my brother had food and they had sandwiches and stuff like that. So thatwas it. H. recalled that it was just close friends and family who came back to thehouse.
H. spoke of how loud it was in the funeral home. I asked her if that meant there was a lot of crying. She surprised me by saying, People were laughing! My grandmother had a full life, she died when she was almost 90, and she had been sick for a whileso it was like a blessing that she was gone. People were celebrating her life. People were just loud, like people trying to talk over each other. Cubans do that. You knowlets talk over each other instead of everybody lowering the volume and whispering or being respectful of the dead, which is what Americans kinda dothey dont do that, they are very loud: Hey, whats happening? Oh, I havent seen you in so long! Just very emotional that way.
I wondered if crying was sanctioned in the Cuban culture. If you were sad, was itokay to cry? H. said she thought it depended not so much on the culture, but on thefamily itself. She told me that her family tends to be reserved and that humor was theway they dealt with being really sad, and maybe to avoid things. After everybody leftfollowing her grandmothers funeral, she said that they giggled a lot that nightit wasmy mom and my unclewe spent the night giggling, trying to scare each other. Onthe other hand, when I asked N. whether it was acceptable or encouraged for people inher culture to be emotional, she replied with, Oh yeah! Oh, we get very emotional! Whew! And its okay, I asked? Oh, the Spanish people get hysterical. I dont! Ithink you can grieve, you knowyou can feel the pain, and you can cry. But dont (shescreams loudly here). You dont have to do that; I mean, from my point of view. AndIm not criticizing anybody, but I wasnt. My son came over in the funeral home andhe said, Mom, you havent cried, and you need to cry. And I says to him, Ive beencrying for your grandmother for 15 years, I have no more tears. But aftereverythingabout a week laterno, after we did the nine days prayer (explainedbelow)I sat in my house by myself and I cried. I still get emotional because it hurts,you know N. and I talked about this, and we both agreed that it doesnt matterhow long someone is gone, it still hurts. Maybe the intensity changes, but the pain isstill there. N. said, Maybe it changes, but it doesnt go away.
H. described the overall funeral as a Cuban wake. I had been to American wakesfor years, H. said, and I didnt see any kind of Anglo. The only thing I saw Anglowas the priest, you know, I had seen that in American wakes. N. told me, Ofcourse, the priest came in and say a rosary. Then another friend of mine, hes like mycousin, he came also and he said a few prayers for her and everybody joined in theprayer Then, the following day the burial was at 11:00 in the morning. Bothmother and daughter spoke of attending a Catholic mass before leaving for the burial atthe cemetery. They described the burial itself to be like most burials experienced herein America. H. told me, The whole thing at the gravesite was like any other funeral Ihad been to. Usually, theyll give you flowers and I think everybody does that: youthrow a flower on top of the casket. But there is nothing symbolic about anything.
H. backed-up a bit and told me an interesting story that caused quite a stir amongst allof her Cuban relatives. H. said, When we took her out of the hearst I wanted to be apall bearer. My mom was shocked, and so were all of her friends. I said, Now, whycant I be one? Who says they have to be a man? This is my grandmother, and ifanybody here knew her, I surely did. So, H. carried her grandmothers casket,along with her brother and her uncle. I could tell all the older Cuban womenwereappalled: you just dont do that. They wereshocked. But to me, it was justlike nobody else should carry herit should be close family.
Both H. and N. spoke to me about what it was like to live in America with Cubanroots. N. told me, Because Im here eleven years I tried to, since I had my son andH., I tried to be American and Cuban and everything. Its not easy, either, becauselike with H., when she was younger and she wanted to go out on a date and I said,You are not American, youre Cuban! What a hard time I had with her because Ididnt want her to go on a date by herself. I wanted to raise her the same way theybrought me up, you know, the same values: you go with a chaperone, you dont go byyourself. H. told me, I had to go out with a chaperone when I was a teenager. Nobody goes out with a chaperone; you know, thats a Hispanic thing. You knownicegirls dont go out with boys unattendedthat was a big one. Or, good girls dont goaway to college. You stay close to home and you go to the community collegeandyou live at home until youre married. H. said that this kind of thinking had atendency to force a lot of young Hispanic women to get married just so they can get outof the house, and this is exactly what H. did: she got married for the first time whenshe was 19. I wanted out, she explained to me. N. later conceded that the ruleswere a little hard for her (H.) because she was born here and I wanted to raise her as aCuban. But Im not sorry I did it, because she learned Spanish very good and she likesboth cultures.
H. explained to me that it is very traditional in Hispanic families for the mother-in-lawto live with the family, for a strong commitment to family is expected in the Hispanicculture. Everybody is very dependent on each other, H. said. So, my mom ishysterical that I dont call her every daywhereas, if youre in that little Cuban circleyou call mom every day and you go by every Sunday and have dinner with mom, youknow. Whereas my brother and I, he lives over in Florida and I live here. I dont seemy mother but maybe once a month if that, and thats when the guilt sets in and I feel Ihave to see herRegardless, you have to put your feelings in the background: its afamily commitment.
H. went on to say how important it is to always do what looks right. This is one ofthe reasons everyone was so upset with her wanting to be a pall bearerhow would itlook? H. talked about how she is expected to take care of her mother in her old age, orshould she become ill. However, H. explained that shes told her mother she willlikely end up in assisted living or a nursing home: something that does not make N.very happy. However, H.s reasoning is, I saw what my grandmother did to her andhow hard it was, and its sillynot when there are so many facilities that will take careof people. I responded with saying that she could still be a part of her mothers life,and H. said, Right. Its just a very high drama kind of culture.
H. attributes her different ways of seeing things not only to growing up in America,but also to her level of education. Im the first woman in my family to graduate fromcollege. Cousins of mine who went only to high school are still stuck in that littlemold and kind of go along with all of these old traditions. But, if you expand andreach out and try other thingstravel, and read, and go to collegeexpand your horizons,then you get so many different opinions and your outlook changes totally.
I asked H. how it was for widows in her culture. She proceeded to tell me about hergrandmother on her fathers side, who was from Spain. When my grandfather passedaway my grandmother was young, maybe in her 30s, and she had six or seven kids toraise. She never got married again. And she wore black until the day she died. Onthe other hand, her grandmother on her mothers side, the one who had just passedaway, had been married twice and lost both husbands. According to H., she maybedressed in black for a while, but then went back to wearing her regular clothes.
I then inquired about property rights for widows in the Spanish and Cuban cultures. H. told me that they have a family farm in Spain that, to this day, is still there. Hergrandmother continued to run the farm when her grandfather died. Since she had somany children, they all helped her run the farm. Presently, one of H.s aunts and oneof her cousins manage the farm.
I asked both H. and N. if they celebrated the Day of the Dead. H. said she didnt, andshe wasnt sure if her mom ever had. H. explained, Its different when you grow uphere because a lot of the customs your parents try to ingrain in you, but society doesntallow it. N. told me that she used to celebrate the Day of the Dead in Cuba, buthadnt done so since shes been in America. When she was still in Cuba, she recallsbringing flowers to the cemetery and praying while they were there. N. explained tome that each Hispanic culture from different countries have different customs andways to do things. She told me that in Mexico, the Day of the Dead is celebrated bybringing food to the cemetery and making an altar. In Cuba, she said, We dont dothat; we bring flowers and the whole family goes. Since none of her family is buriedin a cemetery here in Colorado, she finds no reason to celebrate the Day of the Dead. However, she does make it a point to remember loved ones by telling stories. Webelieve in telling stories to the grandchildren about the grandmothers and what they didand all that, N. said. As we continued talking, N. revealed that her father died whenshe was three, so the primary way she came to know him was through stories sheheard, which she later passed on to her children. I keep telling my son all thestories about my father and (his) being in the militia. He was killed in the revolution,in 1933. He used to own a horse in Cuba. It was a white horse, a beautifulhorseand nobody could ride that horse but him I offered sympathy that she hadto grow up without a father. Well, my mother remarried when I was six, N. shared,and this guy was very good. He was my father. I didnt know that he wasnt myfather until I was about 12 and my aunt told me about it. He was very good, but I usedto tell my son stories about my (biological) father; stories that I heard from my motherand my relatives.
N. also shared with me about a Cuban ritual she has followed since being here inAmerica, and she called it the nine day ritual. This ritual is begun the nightfollowing the burial and consists of prayer, a lit candle, and a glass of water. N.explained to me that every day the candle and glass of water is raised four incheshigher than the day before in order to help to elevate the spirit. Every evening,prayers are said in front of the glass of water and while the candle is lit. Prayers likethe Our Father, Hail Mary, or a rosary, are said, N. told me. After the prayers havebeen completed, the candles flame is put out and re-lit the following evening when theritual is performed again. After nine days of doing this, the ritual is complete and theloved ones spirit is considered elevated toward heaven.
In addition to talking with me about her mothers death, N. also told me about thedeath of her father-in-law from her second marriage (which was to an American man). I was devastated at first because I loved the guy. I was there at the hospital with himwhen he died. I had never seen anybody die before. So, my husband comes in, andmy mother-in-law comes in and she signed papers and all that; so cold. ShesAmerican. From there we said theres nothing we can do, so we went home. Shedidnt go home. I asked her if she wanted me to stay with her. No, she was going tothe beauty parlor. What?! I was devastated! Do you feel like going to a beauty parlorwhen you are in pain?? She went to the beauty parlor and had her nails done, her hairdone.
N. and I then talked about the differences between the death of her mother and herfather-in-law. With her mother, N. watched her become more and more ill, knowingthat she was getting closer to death every day. I was crying for her for seven years. I had everything ready. I had paid for the funeral home, paid for the cemetery;everything. Since I was responsible and I was on my ownI didnt have a husbandIhad to keep trying to pay for everything, and everything was so expensive. However,with her father-in-law, his death was more sudden and unexpected. N. kept talkingabout how devastated she was when her father-in-law died, whereas she never usedsuch strong words to describe her reaction to her mothers death; rather, she wasrelieved when her mother died because of her long-term illness.
N. also shared with me how her son, S., was impacted by the death of hisgrandmother, who was the first person he ever knew who had died. He was with N.when she received the calls from the nursing home. When they called me from thenursing home where my mother was, I was so thankful to God that my son was there. I was at my house when they called me and said I better come, Your mother, we thinkis going to pass on tonight. And I went, Oh my God, Im on my way. So, he goes,What happened? I have to go, my mother is dying. Ill take you. So, Im gettingdressed and I get another call. She had died already. N.s son took her to the nursinghome, which was run by nuns. She said, They were waiting for me to say a prayerand they just had her like she was asleep. N. told me that she didnt know it untilfive years later, but S. (her son) could not sleep that night because his grandmotherdidnt look like she was in pain or deadshe just looked like she was asleep.
I wondered if N. saw the way she grieves as being different from the way her son, S.,or her daughter, H. grieves, and if she thought that had anything to do with herchildren having been raised in American instead of Cuba. I dont think so, N.replied. I think it goes in the person. Because they were born here, but theyareanother generation also. They have a different way of grieving or showing theiremotions. They are more socially concerned and they dont cry in public and stuff likethatI cry all the time, Im findingIm a very sensitive person and Im a verysensible person. H. is too. The only thing is, life makes her tougher. And S.,because he is a man and Spanish, men dont cry. N. went on to tell me that, in fact,she has never seen her son cry, even at her mothers funeral. I can close my eyes andI can see him, very well dressed for the funeral black dress and all that kind ofstuff (She said that most of the people who attended her mothers funeral woreblack.) So, I remember S. just standing there and he wouldnt move, N. recalled. He would keep watching me, watching me all the time. I guess it was an experiencefor him because he never had somebody die beforeI guess it was hard for him, buthe never said anything, he never talked about it. But then, after years, I heard hedidnt sleep for a couple of nightsbecause he saw her and the impression that hegothe couldnt sleep. I asked how old S. was when his grandmother died, and N.told me he had been 32.
I then inquired if N. thought there were gender differences in the way her son anddaughter grieved. She surprised me by saying, I think it depends on the personon thepersons feelings. I dont think it has nothing to do with culture because, I dontknowits hard to say. I know H. has feelings. Its not that S. doesnt havefeelingshe doesbut he doesnt show them. H. will show them. H. will cry and talkabout it.
BELIEFS THAT OFFER COMFORT IN TIMES OF LOSS and
BELIEFS ABOUT LIFE AFTER DEATH
When I asked N. and H. about beliefs they hold that offer comfort in times of loss,both of them spoke openly about their spiritual beliefs. N. said, I believe in Godmainly, and I pray a lot. Like H. says, Do you pray every day? Yes, I said, andshe said, Oh my God! And she was brought up in a Catholic church fromkindergarten to the ninth grade! And my son the same way. Then now they dont goto church. I dont go to church, either. As you grow older you see so many changes,and for me it was a disappointmentGod can hear me from my house, I dont have togo to church. People go to church to see who has the same dress onthe same coat aslast year. Hallo! You come here to pray, not to look at whos wearing what, but thatsthe way it is I enrolled H. in the best Catholic school in Yonkers and we went to8:00 mass every Sunday... Do you know how many masses I went to?! And then itslike, Oh! You have a nice Well, please! I couldnt take that! So I go to churchwhen I feel like it. It could be Thursday, Friday, or Wednesday at 3:00 in theafternoon and nobody is there but me, and I pray, and thats it. N. said that she wasvery content in God, that she believes in God and in her patron saints, to whom sheoften prays.
When I asked N. what she thought happened to her mother after she died, N. told methat she believes her mother went to heaven. I wondered if N. thought her faith wasany stronger because she had been raised in Cuba, but she didnt necessarily think so. There are people from all different countries and they believe in church, they believein God, and they believe in saints.
H. told me that she thinks a lot her beliefs are mixed in with Catholicism; but not all,because I dont agree with all the teachings of the Catholic church even though I wasborn and raised there. I grew up in a Catholic school from kindergarten all the waythrough ninth grade. I do know there is an afterlife. I dont know if its heaven. Iknow there is a God, but I dont know if its a HE. I think it might just be a powerway stronger than any of us. I dont know if theres really a hell; sometimes I thinkthat we are here alreadybecause, I mean, its really hard here, so the way I deal withgrief is I just do things for myselfIll read, sometimes Ill pray, andI find peace inchurch sometimes, but it doesnt have to be a Catholic church, just the fact that Im ina churchits just that serenity of a safe place, a comfortable place. H. went on tosay, Ive read a lot of Buddhism and I like some of their stuff. I obviously hadcatechism from being in a Catholic school, so I have a lot of different views. For me,when Ive lost people who are close, I have found peace with my friends, with myfamilyyou know, getting goofy with my family and then telling stories about mygrandmother. Thats how we all found comfortall of us use humor a lot.
I wondered what kinds of things H. would read during a time of grief. She told methat it didnt necessarily have to be something religious or about grief, just as long as itcaptured her attention and she could remain focused on it. H. did say that she likedpoetry a lot, and those affirmation books, things like thatthat helps me.
I also inquired more specifically about beliefs regarding life after death. H. told me, Ithink we all have souls and I think the souls either come back, maybe some kindahang out. So, you believe in reincarnation? I asked. Yeah, reincarnation. Ibelieve in guardian angels, somebody watching after yousome people call it instinctor gut, some people say I heard a voice in my head! Its something thats protectingyou and watching out for you. Maybe an old soul somewhere.
N. said, I believe there is a life after death. I believe in spirits. WellI dont knowif H. likes this, but Im a medium. Sometimes I can say things, I can predict thingsthat happen. When I asked her if she has had any communication with her mom sinceher death, N. told me she had. I have a couple of friends in Florida who are like me: they believe in spirits and one of them is a medium that spirits come through her. Myself, I dont do that. I can see things. I dream of things, and I see spirits. Iencouraged her to keep talking. So, when I was in Florida I have a spiritual mass inmy house. We get together, we set a table with a crucifix, a candle, flowers, holywater, and perfume. And we pray and we sing, we pray and we sing, and then we saythat this mass is for the spirit of so and so. So, her (my mothers) spirit came to myfriend. My friend had never met her.
Was your friend also Cuban? I asked. Yes, N. replied, Theres a lot of thingsthat she doesnt know between what happened with my mom and Ithere are thingsbetween the two of us that nobody knows. We may have a fight and we say things,and we hurt each other for a few years, and then we talk with each other again andthats forgottenbut its thereyou know? So my friend didnt know about my motherand me, and my mother and mewe never got along so good. She was totallydifferent from me, and that was it. So when she came to my friend, the first thing shesaid to me was Im sorry, I want you to forgive me because I wasnt a good mother. I asked N. how she felt about that. N. told me, I said to her, No, I forgive you along time ago, and this is past. Dont think about it; you need to be concentrating onyour spirit, and you get the light.
I wondered if N. had frequently experienced contact with her mother. No, she said,it doesnt happen that often. Usually I see her in a dream.
When I asked H. if she ever sensed her grandmother around her, she said, Ive sensedstuff before, but I dont know if its my grandmother because I wasnt that close to her. But as Ive gotten older Ive tried to follow my instincts more. Even when I wasyounger Id have a really weird feeling about something, you know, and sure enough! As Ive gotten older I just feel that whenever I get that gut feeling I try to follow it, andits never led me astray; its always been the right thing to do. Its an intuition kind ofthing.
H. told me that, besides her belief in God and an afterlife, she also believed that wellsee each other again at some point. This isnt final. I never feared death at all becauseI always feel like people are going to a better place; again, because this is kinda hellsometimes, and it might be a release. Especially when peoplelike the job Im doingnow, or when I worked at the hospitalsometimes death is the best thing, you know,and it is to finally be at peace with yourself. So, I never feared it. I dont know; Imean, when people have passed on I dont get like I lose it, I just feel they are going toa better place and one day well meet up again.
BELIEFS THAT COULD ADD TO THE PAIN OF LOSS
When I asked N. and H. whether there were any beliefs they held that seemed to add totheir pain after loss, neither one of them had very much to say. It was hard to tell ifthey found the question confusing, or simply didnt hold any beliefs that added to theirpain. Still, H. did talk about how her losses seem to pile up, one on top of the other. Ive had lots of losses, said H., but its not people who have died. Its people whohave left my life for some reason or another, and thats a loss.
I wondered if, when experiencing these losses, H. lost any faith in God. She replied,No, I think I lose more faith in God when I see really bad things happen. Like, notso much death, but if I see starving children or diseasethings like that really bug me;that bugs me more than death because death is final and youre done, and thats it.
So you see death as kind of a natural thing, I affirmed. Yeah, H. replied, itspart of life. Where the other things are things that can be handled differently bymanits more controlled. Whereas deaththeres a saying in Spanish that there aretwo things that you cant predict: one is when you are going to be born, and theother is when youre going to die. Everything else you can just kind of go with it,but those two things you just dont know. Just like I feel that when youre born youalready knowsomebody already has it written somewhere when youre going to die. And you can do anything in your power to get around that, but the day that itsassigned for you to go is it.
I said, You believe in fate, then. Big time, yup, replied H. I believe in fate bigtime because everybodyand now you hear it even more with the World TradeCenterpeople who have said, I could have been in the building, but I stopped off atStarbucks to get coffee, or, I went to the dentists office, or the fireman who had theday off, but he went into the building anyway. You knowit was their day to go. Itwas just their day. Somebody called them. I definitely believe in fate. She went onto say that she thought somebodys time to go had a lot to do with your soul andwhether youve done what you wanted to accomplish on earth while you werehereor are you going to maybe hang out and protect some people, people you loveor were in your lifeor are you going to come back as something else because yourenot done yet, you still have another journey to complete.
In reply to my question of what could add to the pain of her loss, N. said, Well, itshard. Its hard when a person dies you loveyou know youre not going to see themanymore; that you wont be able to talk to them, and sometimes you get regrets, like,Oh, I didnt say this, or oh, I didnt tell them that. But you know, I dont think Ihave anything
At this point, N. didnt seem to have anything else to say, so I proposed the situationof a widow who may, besides losing her husband, also lose property and assets. Iwondered how, in her experience, it was in her culture. She explained that her mother,since shed been in a nursing home for so long, did not have an estate or anything likethat. N. then went on to talk about how important she thinks it is to have ones affairsin order. I keep telling H. Im going to write a letter and tell her what to do with this,and this Would you stop it! No, I want you to do things like I tell you or Imgoing to haunt you forever. N. laughed, and said, And she would say, And youwould do it, too! N. went on to talk about how we never know when we are goingto die, so its important to have everything in order. You dont know, N. said, Itsso hard. Like, because I believe in spirits and things like that, I know you dont knowwhen youre going to die. I can be sitting here, and I can be dead in a couple of hours. All I have to do is get a heart attack, or a brain hemorrhage, or whatever, and thats it. You know? So you have to be prepared. And unfortunately, people dont do that, andit creates problems for the family after.
END OF LIFE DECISIONS
I asked H. if, in her opinion, her mothers culture had any beliefs about end of lifedecisions. I posed a hypothetical scenario of a family conference where they werebeing told that a loved one, say her grandmother, had six months left to live and somedecisions needed to be made. I wondered if this would be an acceptable thing for adoctor to do with people from the Cuban culture. I dont know, H. replied. Idont know how they would have handled it, to be honest with youThe whole familyconference thing, I think it would have dependedand I think this is true for mostHispanicsit would have depended on who was telling them. Was it coming from adoctor who theyve known for a long time and who is trusted, maybe a Spanish guy? Or is it coming from this white doctor who is a neurologist who just started treating herbecause hes on duty that day? Thats a big one.
I summarized, So, the relationship they have with the person who is discussing all ofthis with them is important.
Yes, thats a big one, said H. I think people will hear it better if you send someonein who is kind of like them.
I later asked about cremation. Actually, my mom was not thinking about cremation,but Ive talked her into it, H. answered. Now she doesnt want to lie in the ground. And there again, it had to do with education.
OPINIONS OF HEALTHY VS. UNHEALTHY GRIEF
When I asked H. how she would define healthy vs. unhealthy grief, she asked me if Iwanted her to answer that question from her point of view, or from what she felt theCuban point of view would be. I asked her to give me her perspective on both becauseI thought it would be interesting to see how things may have changed for her as shegrew up in America. H. replied with, What Ive seen about Cubans is that they let itdrag on and on and onand they will talk about the same dead person for ever andever, and just drag it on and not let it go. That seems like the most unhealthiest thingbecause they dont use it in a good way.
I asked H. if she could elucidate. H. explained, Its this big build up of tragic eventsthat led up to this persons death instead of celebratingto me, it would be healthier tocelebrate the persons lifeyou knowtalk about how they made us laugh. Lets talkabout what kind of person they were, how they made youa better person in thisway. We talked about how theres so much to learn from one another. H. said,Yeah, instead of saying, Oh, my God, she had Alzheimers forever, she was this, shewas thatremember when she used to because there was a lot of bad stuff with thedisease, and my mom will still continue to this day to talk about that, and mygrandmother has been dead since 1995. Its been six years, and my mom still, Oh,your grandmother used to do this and that to me. You know, and drag it on. Its like,you know, why cant you think of the positive, fun stufflike the bread pudding sheused to makeAnd I think Cubans tend to do that; Ive noticed in the culture that theolder ones tend to focus on the negative stuff, whereas the new generation says, Okay,theyre dead: move on. Celebrate their life and move on.
So I asked H. what she thought a healthy time period for grieving was. I dont knowif theres an exactI dont think you can just say, Okay, six months from now Imnot going to grieve any more, H. answered. I dont think you can just put a limiton it, or you know, any kind of set time on ityou cant because everybodys individualneeds have to be I mean, I was done grieving by the time I flew back; but everybodyis different. My uncle grieved forever. My mom is still going on about it, so I dontknow exactly how long it takes, but I certainly think that once a person has passed onits time to let go. I mean, what is the point of thinking about what they went through? Whats the point of just talking it into the ground? Just let it go.
I asked H. if she thought she saw her mom move through the various stages of grief. She replied with, I dont knowI think the grieving process has a lot to do with therelationship you had with the person. My moms relationship with her mother was justawful. It was dysfunctionalit was horrific, just awful, and thats how she grieved:dysfunctionally, the same exact way she lived her lifeand how her interaction waswith my grandmother, its the same exact way after she passed away. It wasnthealthy, just like the relationship wasnt healthyMy uncle was the samemy unclewas always kind of narcissistic, so the funeral turned into the same for him. I mean,nobody grieved in a healthy way at all.
I wondered if H. could tell me more about her thoughts on what would have been ahealthier way to grieve. She told me, I mean my unclehis grievinghe wasnteven grieving. I mean, he was crying and all hysterical, and all this show, and Imthinking to myself, You didnt even call this woman. She was in a nursing home forhow long, and you didnt pick up the phone, you never wroteand now youre puttingthis on, for who? You know, and I dont know if it was maybe guiltI just didnttrust his tears. So, I mean, the healthier thing would have been like, Yeah, I reallydidnt care. Im just showing up. I mean, show updo the decent thingshe was yourmom. Be there, be respectful, but dont come with tears and all this stuff, and thewhole showCubans are very high drama. I found this interesting, since earlier inthe interview it sounded like there had been very little crying at her grandmothersfuneral. H. explained, A lot of the Cuban culture is very catered to what people aregoing to think, and what people are going to sayso I need to behave a certain waybecause, what are people going to say?And its ridiculous: totally ridiculous. Butthere is a lot that. Thats my interpretation from being first generation. Youregoing to get a totally different opinion from my mom.
N.s response to my question about what was healthy vs. unhealthy grief, interestinglyenough, was actually not so different from her daughters viewpoint. N. started bysaying, Healthy grief is to continue your lifeYou know, like whats the use to keepcrying for something, for somebody: they arent there anymore. Why keep theclothes? Give the clothes to somebody else. Thats it, you know. Not toforgetbecause I havent. I have a lot of people in my family who diedmy father,my mother, my grandmother, my aunt that I love like my mother. And I have picturesof them, and I say prayers to them. In other words, I never forgot them. But I dontcry for them everyday or anything like that. Sometimes I shed a little tear when I thinkof something, but thats it. So, I try to live my life as much as I can, and enjoy everyday as it comes, because you dont know tomorrow what will happen.
As for what unhealthy grief looked like according to N., she explained it would besomeone who holds onto it. LikeI have a friend whose husband died and shekept his clothes for years. Why? Thats unhealthy! Give it to somebody who can useit, or throw it away. But what do you want the clothes in there, in the closet for,taking space? Its good to have a picture, to have memories of a little something that hegave you, and you know, things like that. But some people just hang onto and they getsick on it. They cry and cry, and they get sick. Obviously, N.s opinion of her owngrieving was quite different from how her daughter saw her grieving!
From there, N. and I started to discuss the connection between ones mind and body. She told me that she believed that someone who couldnt let go, but continued togrieve, would get physically sick, Because your mind has a lot to do with your body,N. said. She then went on to tell me about her battle with breast cancer, somethingthat she did not connect to her grief over her mother. N. told me that she wasdiagnosed in 1998. She had a lumpectomy done and received radiation. And I wasdepressed, she said, Not that I thought I was going to die, because I knew I wasntgoing to diethe doctor said so. But that big C, you know
I empathized with all the loss N. must have gone through as she was diagnosed andtreated for her cancer. N. said, Its depressing! But I went through it and I prayeda lot. And I dont even think about it. Why? Because if I think about it, maybe I getit again. I dont want to think about thatNope! Forget it! I have faith that I wouldnever get it again, and that is that. N. went on to show me a picture of herself, H.,her son and her daughter-in-law, at the Race for the Cure, which took place the daybefore N.s lumpectomy. N. told me that just looking at that picture made her feelemotional. The depth of her sharing was very touching to me, and I told her so. Thecourage that she showed dealing with her breast cancer was inspirational, and I wastouched that she would show me such a personal facet of herself and how she dealtwith the loss and grief inherent in being challenged with such a disease. The cancerwas not something that came up in my interview with H.; perhaps because she didntwant to breach her mothers confidence, for as youll see in the next section, in manyways both N. and H. see themselves as very private people.
RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN THEIR PRIVATE GRIEF AND PUBLIC MOURNING
H. told me that she saw herself as very strong when shes in public. Im there andIm the strong oneI dont show a lot of emotion. Ive done it tons of times withfriends, with family. If they need someone strong, Ill show up and Ill be thereMypersona is that I can handle anythingyou know, bring it on! And then I go home and Icrash. And Ill cry, and Ill throw things, and Ill let it out. So, its totally differentfrom what Im showing. And I dont think a lot of people see that side of me becauseits to an extreme. Im extremely sensitive, so to a certain point I think its a defensemechanism, too. I dont show people that Im that sensitive, but, I mean, I lose itItotally lose it. H. told me about a case she went on as part of her job. She explainedhow she sat with a family member and grieved with him, and how during that time shewas very strong. However, she said, the next two days I could hardly walk. I wasjust emotionally drained.
I asked her if she thought it was different in the Cuban culture, and reminded her ofher uncle whose public mourning seemed to be very different from his privatemourning.
H. shared her opinion: to me, thats annoying (what her uncle did) because havinggrown up here, the American wayis be honest and if you dont feel like crying,dont cry, and thats okay. But you know, the Cuban style is you have to showemotion: you have to do itespecially the women. For women not to cry and not to beoverly sensitive is like (she gestures here)All my moms friends, they all say, H.wears the pants in that family, because Ive been strong for my uncle, strong for mymom. For a woman to be strong and not show emotion is not typical, not typical atallthey kind of go, Whats wrong with her? Kind of like, How could she carry hergrandmothers casket? She should be hysterical, crying! They thought emotionally Ishould be a mess, but I would just say Im not a mess, really! Im okay! BecauseI wasnt feeling that, why should I show that? For other people to see and say, what,poor H.? No!And I looked at it totally different, I looked at it as this woman livedher lifeshe lived a long lifeshes done, you know? She was done 20 years ago! ButGod let her go onthat was somebodys decision, somewhere.
H. and I went on to discuss how lonely it can be when everyone gets used to you beingthe strong one, but then one day, youre not feeling so strong You present thisperson who can handle anything, said H., and then one day you just cant andtheyre like, Hey! What got into you? Hello! I can get depressed!
H.s mom also described herself as a person who was more private than public. Inanswering the question, overall she spoke more of general affairs than of herselfpersonally. Because Im a very private person, said N., Like, I go to the gym andI dont like to go naked in front of the other women; I mean, Im not like that! Itsnothing against the other womenbut I cant do that! I dont know if its my culture,whateverbut I cannot do it. So, this (grieving) is the same thing. Some peoplelikewhen this thing happened in New York. My brother lives in New York; he lives farfrom where it happened, thank God! But hes there and he sees things we dont seeover hereand he feels it more than we do. N. went on to tell me, in detail, abouthow her brother called her the morning of September 11th, and how, hesscreaming on the other line, Oh, my God! Look what happened! We got soemotional, she said. You know, I couldnt sleep for three nights!
Then, N. started to talk about her son, S. She showed me a picture of S. in militaryclothing. when you see the towers fall down, you see how many people are dead,and you go, Oh, God! Just the thought of it, I dont know, I get so emotional. N.related several stories to me about her son.
When the Gulf War happened, he was signed in, he was packed, he wasvaccinatedand he was ready to go. It was a matter of 24 hours. And I kneel downto that saint and I pray like that, crying, begging God, Dont let him go! He didntgo, okay? He didnt go to the Gulf, and to this day he still doesnt know why. Then Igo and tell him its my saint. Yeah, right, he says.
My son, N. went on to say, was working in the Pentagon in Washington, okay? He had signedthats why I got sick and couldnt sleep for three dayshe had signeda contract with the Army to work there three years, and he moved from Colorado toWashington in 1999. So, 99, 2000, 2001July of 2001 his commission was over. InJune of this year he got orders to move to Floridaand he said, But I still haveanother month to go. Still, they told him he had to go now; you know how the Armyis. So, July 11th he moved to Florida. So, the plane hit right where he wasworkingokay? The plane hit right there. When I saw thatI got to my knees and Isaid thank you, thank youbecause he probably would have been killed that time N. told me how H. and S. joked around about how their mothers saint saved S. Because they dont believe as I believe, but for meit was very real.
N. told me how worried S. was about friends he had who were working in thePentagon. She related a story to me that was just amazing. N. had asked S. if he hadheard from one of his friends, E. S. said that he hadnt, and he was very concernedabout him because he always started work very early in the morning. N. told me howshe prayed to her spirits who told her that E. was okay; and she told her son this, S.,she said, dont worry about E., hes fine. Youll hear from him in a couple of days. And S. did hear from E! Turns out, E. had gone to work at the Pentagon thatmorning, but was sent for coffee, and thats where he was when the plane hit. So, allthe rest of the ones at the meeting were dead, including the general, and E. was alivebecause he went to get coffee, N. said with incredulousness. We both shook ourheads in disbelief and gratitude.
After she shared this, we spoke about the tragedy of September 11th for a while. Eventually, the conversation led to discussing visits to the cemetery. N. said visitingthe cemetery was an important thing to do, but I mean, now I cant do that becauseshes in Florida. ButI have a cousin in Miami and I send her money for MothersDay and I say, Please go to my mothers, you knowwhere my mother is and putsome flowers, so, thats it.
HOW USEFUL IS GROUP SUPPORT IN FACILITATING THE SUCCESSFULRESOLUTION OF GRIEF?
On the topic of using group support to help facilitate the resolution of grief, N. and H.expressed very different viewpoints. H. told me, I think (support groups) are veryimportant. I know from the Cuban or the Hispanic point of view, my family doesntget what I do. The issue of mental health is not an issuewe just dont have any in theHispanic culture! (laughter)They just dont see (mental health) as an issue, so like,formal groups and things like that, they dont get it. Me, personally, being aneducated woman, I know that it benefits people, and Ive benefited from it. So whetherthey are informal or formalI think its very goodit makes you feel like youre notalone, and you know, thats so important because its like in the meantime youregoing, Oh, my God, Im crazy! Im the only one in the world who feels this way! So when you see that there are other people that are in the same boat as you, its greatto have solidarity with other people and you kind of know, Okay, its not so badImean, Im totally for groups.
H. told me how she has encouraged her mom to go to groups for social activities, butagain, its just not something people from her culture are given to doing. She doesntwant to do it, said H., Ive asked her to do community groups for the elderly, go tothe senior citizen center, and her response is that its full of old people. I said, youare an old person!but she says its depressing. Although H. tries to tempt hermom with all the different activities that are available, N. still resists. But again, withthat culture, they limit themselves, H. explains, None of her friends go to seniorcitizen centers. They all kind of hang out at each others houses or they dont goanywherethey spend the whole day watching TV.
I extrapolated that, since seeking social activities in a group setting is off limits, so,too, must dealing with issues such as grief in a group setting be off limitsbut evenmore so. Oh yeah, most definitely, replied H., And I think not only culturally, butit depends also on your level of education. My parents were immigrants and they wereblue collar workers. So, you know, your level of education certainly influenceswhere youre coming from. My brother has a Masters Degree, so were both collegegraduates and we know better! And then when we talk with them, they are just set intheir ways and they just dont want to see it, dont want to do it.
Even though formal support groups were out of the question, both H. and I agreed thatpeople in her culture sought support from their family and community. So thoseare the social groups that are important, the people you have known for years andyears, and they go to your weddings, to your funerals. And whats interesting is youmight not see these people all the time; you might not hang out with them. But whensomebody dies or somebody gets married or baptized, everybody comes together. But,Americans kind of hang out together moreits like, Hey, you want to come over forthe game? Hey, lets barbeque! Cubans dont do that too much. They kind of like todo their own thing with their own family, and maybe, once in awhile, like holidays orwhatever, you mingle with other people.
When I asked N. her opinion of group support, she told me, I dont know, maybeitdepends on the person. I have never been to a group. Its not that Im against it oranything, its just that Im a very strong person and every time I have problemsIwould sit down and talk to myself. I would say, this is this, this is that, and yourejust going to have to do and a drink isnt going to help me, cigarettes arent goingto help me, so I deal with it. But see, Im strong, I dont necessarily need it, but someother peoplesome people think they need to (go to a support group), maybe they feelbetter. I understand it works. Like when I had my cancer thing, they said I was sodepressed that the surgeons suggested I go to groups and stuff. But then, I thought,Im very strong. My son calls me Sergeant! So you know how strong I amhe sendsme a Mothers Day card and he signs it to the Sergeant! Sowhen they suggested Igo to a group and I needed help, I said I gotta deal with itI have a problem, I haveto deal with it. All I have to do is wake up and smell the coffee!
Since formal group support was obviously out of the question, I wondered if N. reliedon family and/or friends to talk with when she needed support. Like I said from thebeginning, Im a very private person. I can count my friends with one hand. And atthe same time, if you go to Miami, I know tons of people in Miami and they likemeI can say I have a lot of friends, but in reality I have a lot ofacquaintances. Soyou know, my life is a private life; my thoughts are my thoughts, and I keep them tomyself. She told me that sometimes there just simply is no one who she considers tobe the right person to talk to. I heard her hurt and her grief when she said, I usedto believe in friendship, I used to believe in churchI used to believe in a lot of thingsthat I dont anymoreOne thing that I always did and I still do believe in, and that isGod. I believe in God, and every morning I get up and I look at the sky and I go,Thank you, God, for letting me see the sky! because this eye (and she points to herright eye), if I cover it and look with this one, I know youre there, but I dont seeyou. I lost it from an operation I had, and it only works 30%. You knowits thingslike that, I have been through a lot. And I find out that when you need it most, yourfriends, they are not there. Yet, if you have money and you have parties, and you havedrinks and a beautiful house, you have a lot of friends.
I said, Its not right, is it? N. replied, Oh no, its not, but unfortunately, thatslife. N. talked about how her daughter, H., encouraged her to build friendships,maybe go the senior community center and engage in some activities. N. replied with,I dont want any friends; I have a television! .and I dont want to go to old people. Leave me alone; Im fine. You know, because I have my pain from friends.
And its hard to open up and trust again, I said.
Yeah, it is, said N. And then when you say you have friends and youre going through, like you know, I had my problem, and ah, no, forget it! And I have seen what they do to other people that need love and stuff like that, and no Like I said, you know, I was married for 15 years to my kids father. I divorced. A year and ½ later, I met this guy and I married him, and we were married for nine years. After that I said, eh, no more! No more, because I dont feel like taking it from anybody. See, I love my kids, I will give my arm for any of them!H., Im all close to her because shes by herself and you know, shes a woman, andI think even though she doesnt say it, and I would never mention it to her, but I think she needs me more. S. is married and he has his wife, and you know, hes a man. But I dont wantto have somebody next to me, telling me dont do this, dont go thereoh please! I cant take that anymore! I took a lot of that. The Spanish people, the Spanish man, is very possessive. They tell you how to dress, how to comb your hair, how to put on make-up, how to do this and how to do that. Let me tell you, they think theres a macho man thing. And unfortunately, I was married to a Spaniard. That is worse than anything else. So, the second one was an American. Worse! His feelings and my feelings were totally different.
SUMMARY
I was amazed at the amount of information both H. and N. were willing to share withme. Even though they both said they see themselves as private people, I felt like theyhad been quite intimate with me.
I came away from these interviews in awe of both of these women and with a deepamount of respect for them. Not only did they answer the questions I asked them,helping me to learn a great deal about the Cuban culture and what its like to combinethat culture with that of the United States, I also felt they offered a lot of additionalinformation that was unsolicited.
While at first glance, the interviews seemed to revolve around the death of G. (N.smother, H.s grandmother), in retrospect I noted several areas of profound grief thatH. and N. shared with me from their personal lives. N. spoke of losing her biologicalfather when she was three and of being there when her father-in-law died, a loss shesaid was devastating to her. N. also spoke candidly of suffering from breast cancerand of losing the sight in one of her eyes. Both mother and daughter spoke with heartwrenching honesty about the pain and grief inherent in the living of life. H. talkedabout being the strong one and then finding herself misunderstood and alone when shefinally showed feelings of sadness. N. spoke of feeling betrayed by her religion andby friends during times of need, eventually coming to a decision not to be so quick totrust
Still, both women exhibited a great deal of faith, as well as a sense of humor, that seems to help them not only survive but thrive. I am grateful to both of them for sharing so much of themselves with me, and allowing me, in turn, to share them with you.
Written for Grief in a Family Context, HPER F460, Fall, 2001.
2001, Janice Heller. All rights reserved. Interested parties may contact her through the course instructor, at gilbertk@indiana.edu. Death and Grief Cuban Style-Or is that American Style?
A Mother and Daughters Perspective
Janice M. Heller
BACKGROUND INFORMATION
Two very strong and wise women consented to my interviewing them about death andthe process of grief as they have experienced it. The interviews were conductedseparately, about a week apart. H., a woman I work with, who the day after thisinterview was turning 43 years old, is a first generation American born to a Cubanmother and Spanish father. Her mother, N., is 71, and moved from Cuba to Yonkers,New York, with her husband of six months when she was 25 years old. Three yearsafter arriving in America, H. was born. Both women have been divorced twice. N.divorced her Spanish husband in 1970 and moved to Jackson Heights with H. and herson, S., born about five years after H. After being single for about a year and one-half, N. married an American with whom she lived for the next nine years, moving toFlorida in 1973. H. was married for about a year and one-half each time, and bothmarriages were to Cuban-American men. They did not have any children. H. movedto Colorado in 1994, and her mother followed her there in 1996.
N. worked as an officer at a bank in Florida for 21 years, retiring early in 1992. H. isthe first woman in her family to attend college. She holds an Associates Degree inBusiness and a Bachelors Degree in Sociology and Psychology. Currently, H. isemployed at Donor Alliance (a procurement agency for organ and tissuetransplantation) as a Family Support Coordinator. Both women were raised Catholic,H. attending Catholic school from kindergarten through the 9th grade. The familyattended mass in Latin together every Sunday. At this time, neither woman attendschurch on a regular basis, although both still believe in God and talked about theinfluence their religious/spiritual beliefs have on their ability to grieve.
I learned a great deal from these two womenbeyond the scope of the questionsrecommended for this interview. You will therefore find that Ive included some ofwhat I learned from them in conjunction with their answers to the interview questions. You will also notice that N. occasionally still speaks in broken English. I hope youfind her quotes to provide a Cuban flavor to this paper; I know I found her accentendearing, and I certainly felt a bit of Cuba while I spent time with her.
TRADITIONS AND RITUALS USED TO COMMEMORATE A DEATH and
SOME DIFFERENCES BETWEEN CUBAN AND AMERICAN CULTURES
Both H. and her mother, N., focused primarily on the death of N.s mother (Hsgrandmother) in our discussions. (For the purpose of this paper, I will use the initialG. for N.s mother, Hs grandmother.) This is the first death H. had dealt with in herlife other than that of distant relatives and acquaintances. N., on the other hand, hadexperienced other deaths of people close to her besides that of her mother. With me,N. spoke of the death of her biological father, her American father-in-laws death, andthe grief experiences of several friends.
N. explained that years ago in Cuba, viewing of the deceased took place in their livingroom. She speculated that this may still be done today in some of the more remoteareas of Cuba, Costa Rica, and Mexico, although she could not say for certain sinceshe has not visited her homeland in a very long time. However, her memories offunerals while she was still in Cuba were of the deceased being taken to a funeralhome. Most of the people in her family, such as her father, aunt, and grandmother,died in Cuba when she was already in America, and she was not able to go back andattend their funerals. Therefore, most of her experiences surrounding death andfunerals have taken place since N. has been in America. Still, there are Cubaninfluences that she told me about when we discussed the funeral of her mother, G.
N. made the arrangements for G.s funeral. Not unlike most American funerals, theviewing was set up to last for several days since there were so many people comingfrom different places. H. had already moved to Colorado, and N.s brother needed tocome from New York. As H. explained, My grandmother had a full life, she diedwhen she was almost 90, and she had been sick for a whilethe kids came and thegrandparents cameeverybody who could possibly come, came. She was like the lastof seven brothers and sisters that had passedso it was real interesting. She was veryhonored and a lot of people loved her, people who were not only members of thefamily but were good friends. People cared about her a great deal, so people camefrom different places, all over Florida.
Both N. and H. described the expectation that G.s body not be left alone. We wouldspend the whole night, said N. H. told me that they spent the night at the funeralhome in reclinersset up by the funeral home, which happened to be a Cubanmortuary in Florida. N. explained, Its not like AmericansAmericans go from1:00 to 8:00 oclock or from 1:00-10:00 and that was it. We would not. Once thebody is there, we would stay with that body until it is buried. When I asked N. if sheknew the reason why it was important to stay with the body all night, N. respondedwith, Its just part of the culture.
At the same time, N. spoke about being caught between American and Cubantraditions. Like you make a combination of the Cuban with the American. Mybrother says, Im going to order some food and some people are going to go to thehouse. I had company already for two days and I didnt want to talk with nobody. Ijust wanted to be by myself, mourn by myself. Maybe Im wrong: I dont know. N.talked about how much the focus on food during the time of her mothers funeralbothered her. In my country, I dont know if we are more emotional, or I dontknow; I dont want to be prejudice in that point, but we dont eat. We just have coffeeand a little bit of milk, a little cracker, but we dont eat, we are mourning! We arehurting! H. also spoke with me about how Americans and Cubans approach the ideaof food while mourning in different ways. There was lots of coffee being passedaroundespresso coffee. I rememberwhose going to get dinner? We would go inshiftslike Grandma was going anywhere! We couldnt leave her alone, so certainshifts went and ate and came back; the other shift would go and eat and comebacksomebody was always there keeping her company. N. told me, She was myMom! I didnt want to leave her alonelike my brother said, Lets go to eat, and Isaid, No, I dont want to eat. Ill bring you something. No, its not proper that Ieat here, while the body is there; its not nice. He would go and eat, my kids went toeat and all that, but I couldnt eat.
I empathized with N., saying, How hard it must be to have your culturepulling atyou and then be somewhere else and thinking, Well, now that Im here, maybe Imsupposed to do it this way, but maybe still wanting to do it this other waybecausethats more familiar to you and what feels right to you. N. replied with, Yeah, butat the same time I think, What is appropriate? Thats my point of view, Whatsappropriate? Like my mother, I had been dealing with her for years, and its a relief,so you just want to let it go. She had been sick for 15 years, and I was taking care ofherit was kind of hard. So, when she died, I said, Thats it, I mean, God forgiveme, but this is a relief because for hershe didnt talk, she was paralyzed on one side,she had to be fed, bathed, everything, and she wouldnt talk. So, I stay all night: nosleep, no eating, no nothingbut like you said, I was between tradition and everythingelse. Between two cultures. What should I do? And then I ask my kids, and ofcourse, they are American! Oh Mom, dont be silly! What are you going to do? N. expressed feeling pressured to have people over to her house after the funeral, andin order to be more American, she conceded. So you know, a few people came to thehouse, and my brother had food and they had sandwiches and stuff like that. So thatwas it. H. recalled that it was just close friends and family who came back to thehouse.
H. spoke of how loud it was in the funeral home. I asked her if that meant there was a lot of crying. She surprised me by saying, People were laughing! My grandmother had a full life, she died when she was almost 90, and she had been sick for a whileso it was like a blessing that she was gone. People were celebrating her life. People were just loud, like people trying to talk over each other. Cubans do that. You knowlets talk over each other instead of everybody lowering the volume and whispering or being respectful of the dead, which is what Americans kinda dothey dont do that, they are very loud: Hey, whats happening? Oh, I havent seen you in so long! Just very emotional that way.
I wondered if crying was sanctioned in the Cuban culture. If you were sad, was itokay to cry? H. said she thought it depended not so much on the culture, but on thefamily itself. She told me that her family tends to be reserved and that humor was theway they dealt with being really sad, and maybe to avoid things. After everybody leftfollowing her grandmothers funeral, she said that they giggled a lot that nightit wasmy mom and my unclewe spent the night giggling, trying to scare each other. Onthe other hand, when I asked N. whether it was acceptable or encouraged for people inher culture to be emotional, she replied with, Oh yeah! Oh, we get very emotional! Whew! And its okay, I asked? Oh, the Spanish people get hysterical. I dont! Ithink you can grieve, you knowyou can feel the pain, and you can cry. But dont (shescreams loudly here). You dont have to do that; I mean, from my point of view. AndIm not criticizing anybody, but I wasnt. My son came over in the funeral home andhe said, Mom, you havent cried, and you need to cry. And I says to him, Ive beencrying for your grandmother for 15 years, I have no more tears. But aftereverythingabout a week laterno, after we did the nine days prayer (explainedbelow)I sat in my house by myself and I cried. I still get emotional because it hurts,you know N. and I talked about this, and we both agreed that it doesnt matterhow long someone is gone, it still hurts. Maybe the intensity changes, but the pain isstill there. N. said, Maybe it changes, but it doesnt go away.
H. described the overall funeral as a Cuban wake. I had been to American wakesfor years, H. said, and I didnt see any kind of Anglo. The only thing I saw Anglowas the priest, you know, I had seen that in American wakes. N. told me, Ofcourse, the priest came in and say a rosary. Then another friend of mine, hes like mycousin, he came also and he said a few prayers for her and everybody joined in theprayer Then, the following day the burial was at 11:00 in the morning. Bothmother and daughter spoke of attending a Catholic mass before leaving for the burial atthe cemetery. They described the burial itself to be like most burials experienced herein America. H. told me, The whole thing at the gravesite was like any other funeral Ihad been to. Usually, theyll give you flowers and I think everybody does that: youthrow a flower on top of the casket. But there is nothing symbolic about anything.
H. backed-up a bit and told me an interesting story that caused quite a stir amongst allof her Cuban relatives. H. said, When we took her out of the hearst I wanted to be apall bearer. My mom was shocked, and so were all of her friends. I said, Now, whycant I be one? Who says they have to be a man? This is my grandmother, and ifanybody here knew her, I surely did. So, H. carried her grandmothers casket,along with her brother and her uncle. I could tell all the older Cuban womenwereappalled: you just dont do that. They wereshocked. But to me, it was justlike nobody else should carry herit should be close family.
Both H. and N. spoke to me about what it was like to live in America with Cubanroots. N. told me, Because Im here eleven years I tried to, since I had my son andH., I tried to be American and Cuban and everything. Its not easy, either, becauselike with H., when she was younger and she wanted to go out on a date and I said,You are not American, youre Cuban! What a hard time I had with her because Ididnt want her to go on a date by herself. I wanted to raise her the same way theybrought me up, you know, the same values: you go with a chaperone, you dont go byyourself. H. told me, I had to go out with a chaperone when I was a teenager. Nobody goes out with a chaperone; you know, thats a Hispanic thing. You knownicegirls dont go out with boys unattendedthat was a big one. Or, good girls dont goaway to college. You stay close to home and you go to the community collegeandyou live at home until youre married. H. said that this kind of thinking had atendency to force a lot of young Hispanic women to get married just so they can get outof the house, and this is exactly what H. did: she got married for the first time whenshe was 19. I wanted out, she explained to me. N. later conceded that the ruleswere a little hard for her (H.) because she was born here and I wanted to raise her as aCuban. But Im not sorry I did it, because she learned Spanish very good and she likesboth cultures.
H. explained to me that it is very traditional in Hispanic families for the mother-in-lawto live with the family, for a strong commitment to family is expected in the Hispanicculture. Everybody is very dependent on each other, H. said. So, my mom ishysterical that I dont call her every daywhereas, if youre in that little Cuban circleyou call mom every day and you go by every Sunday and have dinner with mom, youknow. Whereas my brother and I, he lives over in Florida and I live here. I dont seemy mother but maybe once a month if that, and thats when the guilt sets in and I feel Ihave to see herRegardless, you have to put your feelings in the background: its afamily commitment.
H. went on to say how important it is to always do what looks right. This is one ofthe reasons everyone was so upset with her wanting to be a pall bearerhow would itlook? H. talked about how she is expected to take care of her mother in her old age, orshould she become ill. However, H. explained that shes told her mother she willlikely end up in assisted living or a nursing home: something that does not make N.very happy. However, H.s reasoning is, I saw what my grandmother did to her andhow hard it was, and its sillynot when there are so many facilities that will take careof people. I responded with saying that she could still be a part of her mothers life,and H. said, Right. Its just a very high drama kind of culture.
H. attributes her different ways of seeing things not only to growing up in America,but also to her level of education. Im the first woman in my family to graduate fromcollege. Cousins of mine who went only to high school are still stuck in that littlemold and kind of go along with all of these old traditions. But, if you expand andreach out and try other thingstravel, and read, and go to collegeexpand your horizons,then you get so many different opinions and your outlook changes totally.
I asked H. how it was for widows in her culture. She proceeded to tell me about hergrandmother on her fathers side, who was from Spain. When my grandfather passedaway my grandmother was young, maybe in her 30s, and she had six or seven kids toraise. She never got married again. And she wore black until the day she died. Onthe other hand, her grandmother on her mothers side, the one who had just passedaway, had been married twice and lost both husbands. According to H., she maybedressed in black for a while, but then went back to wearing her regular clothes.
I then inquired about property rights for widows in the Spanish and Cuban cultures. H. told me that they have a family farm in Spain that, to this day, is still there. Hergrandmother continued to run the farm when her grandfather died. Since she had somany children, they all helped her run the farm. Presently, one of H.s aunts and oneof her cousins manage the farm.
I asked both H. and N. if they celebrated the Day of the Dead. H. said she didnt, andshe wasnt sure if her mom ever had. H. explained, Its different when you grow uphere because a lot of the customs your parents try to ingrain in you, but society doesntallow it. N. told me that she used to celebrate the Day of the Dead in Cuba, buthadnt done so since shes been in America. When she was still in Cuba, she recallsbringing flowers to the cemetery and praying while they were there. N. explained tome that each Hispanic culture from different countries have different customs andways to do things. She told me that in Mexico, the Day of the Dead is celebrated bybringing food to the cemetery and making an altar. In Cuba, she said, We dont dothat; we bring flowers and the whole family goes. Since none of her family is buriedin a cemetery here in Colorado, she finds no reason to celebrate the Day of the Dead. However, she does make it a point to remember loved ones by telling stories. Webelieve in telling stories to the grandchildren about the grandmothers and what they didand all that, N. said. As we continued talking, N. revealed that her father died whenshe was three, so the primary way she came to know him was through stories sheheard, which she later passed on to her children. I keep telling my son all thestories about my father and (his) being in the militia. He was killed in the revolution,in 1933. He used to own a horse in Cuba. It was a white horse, a beautifulhorseand nobody could ride that horse but him I offered sympathy that she hadto grow up without a father. Well, my mother remarried when I was six, N. shared,and this guy was very good. He was my father. I didnt know that he wasnt myfather until I was about 12 and my aunt told me about it. He was very good, but I usedto tell my son stories about my (biological) father; stories that I heard from my motherand my relatives.
N. also shared with me about a Cuban ritual she has followed since being here inAmerica, and she called it the nine day ritual. This ritual is begun the nightfollowing the burial and consists of prayer, a lit candle, and a glass of water. N.explained to me that every day the candle and glass of water is raised four incheshigher than the day before in order to help to elevate the spirit. Every evening,prayers are said in front of the glass of water and while the candle is lit. Prayers likethe Our Father, Hail Mary, or a rosary, are said, N. told me. After the prayers havebeen completed, the candles flame is put out and re-lit the following evening when theritual is performed again. After nine days of doing this, the ritual is complete and theloved ones spirit is considered elevated toward heaven.
In addition to talking with me about her mothers death, N. also told me about thedeath of her father-in-law from her second marriage (which was to an American man). I was devastated at first because I loved the guy. I was there at the hospital with himwhen he died. I had never seen anybody die before. So, my husband comes in, andmy mother-in-law comes in and she signed papers and all that; so cold. ShesAmerican. From there we said theres nothing we can do, so we went home. Shedidnt go home. I asked her if she wanted me to stay with her. No, she was going tothe beauty parlor. What?! I was devastated! Do you feel like going to a beauty parlorwhen you are in pain?? She went to the beauty parlor and had her nails done, her hairdone.
N. and I then talked about the differences between the death of her mother and herfather-in-law. With her mother, N. watched her become more and more ill, knowingthat she was getting closer to death every day. I was crying for her for seven years. I had everything ready. I had paid for the funeral home, paid for the cemetery;everything. Since I was responsible and I was on my ownI didnt have a husbandIhad to keep trying to pay for everything, and everything was so expensive. However,with her father-in-law, his death was more sudden and unexpected. N. kept talkingabout how devastated she was when her father-in-law died, whereas she never usedsuch strong words to describe her reaction to her mothers death; rather, she wasrelieved when her mother died because of her long-term illness.
N. also shared with me how her son, S., was impacted by the death of hisgrandmother, who was the first person he ever knew who had died. He was with N.when she received the calls from the nursing home. When they called me from thenursing home where my mother was, I was so thankful to God that my son was there. I was at my house when they called me and said I better come, Your mother, we thinkis going to pass on tonight. And I went, Oh my God, Im on my way. So, he goes,What happened? I have to go, my mother is dying. Ill take you. So, Im gettingdressed and I get another call. She had died already. N.s son took her to the nursinghome, which was run by nuns. She said, They were waiting for me to say a prayerand they just had her like she was asleep. N. told me that she didnt know it untilfive years later, but S. (her son) could not sleep that night because his grandmotherdidnt look like she was in pain or deadshe just looked like she was asleep.
I wondered if N. saw the way she grieves as being different from the way her son, S.,or her daughter, H. grieves, and if she thought that had anything to do with herchildren having been raised in American instead of Cuba. I dont think so, N.replied. I think it goes in the person. Because they were born here, but theyareanother generation also. They have a different way of grieving or showing theiremotions. They are more socially concerned and they dont cry in public and stuff likethatI cry all the time, Im findingIm a very sensitive person and Im a verysensible person. H. is too. The only thing is, life makes her tougher. And S.,because he is a man and Spanish, men dont cry. N. went on to tell me that, in fact,she has never seen her son cry, even at her mothers funeral. I can close my eyes andI can see him, very well dressed for the funeral black dress and all that kind ofstuff (She said that most of the people who attended her mothers funeral woreblack.) So, I remember S. just standing there and he wouldnt move, N. recalled. He would keep watching me, watching me all the time. I guess it was an experiencefor him because he never had somebody die beforeI guess it was hard for him, buthe never said anything, he never talked about it. But then, after years, I heard hedidnt sleep for a couple of nightsbecause he saw her and the impression that hegothe couldnt sleep. I asked how old S. was when his grandmother died, and N.told me he had been 32.
I then inquired if N. thought there were gender differences in the way her son anddaughter grieved. She surprised me by saying, I think it depends on the personon thepersons feelings. I dont think it has nothing to do with culture because, I dontknowits hard to say. I know H. has feelings. Its not that S. doesnt havefeelingshe doesbut he doesnt show them. H. will show them. H. will cry and talkabout it.
BELIEFS THAT OFFER COMFORT IN TIMES OF LOSS and
BELIEFS ABOUT LIFE AFTER DEATH
When I asked N. and H. about beliefs they hold that offer comfort in times of loss,both of them spoke openly about their spiritual beliefs. N. said, I believe in Godmainly, and I pray a lot. Like H. says, Do you pray every day? Yes, I said, andshe said, Oh my God! And she was brought up in a Catholic church fromkindergarten to the ninth grade! And my son the same way. Then now they dont goto church. I dont go to church, either. As you grow older you see so many changes,and for me it was a disappointmentGod can hear me from my house, I dont have togo to church. People go to church to see who has the same dress onthe same coat aslast year. Hallo! You come here to pray, not to look at whos wearing what, but thatsthe way it is I enrolled H. in the best Catholic school in Yonkers and we went to8:00 mass every Sunday... Do you know how many masses I went to?! And then itslike, Oh! You have a nice Well, please! I couldnt take that! So I go to churchwhen I feel like it. It could be Thursday, Friday, or Wednesday at 3:00 in theafternoon and nobody is there but me, and I pray, and thats it. N. said that she wasvery content in God, that she believes in God and in her patron saints, to whom sheoften prays.
When I asked N. what she thought happened to her mother after she died, N. told methat she believes her mother went to heaven. I wondered if N. thought her faith wasany stronger because she had been raised in Cuba, but she didnt necessarily think so. There are people from all different countries and they believe in church, they believein God, and they believe in saints.
H. told me that she thinks a lot her beliefs are mixed in with Catholicism; but not all,because I dont agree with all the teachings of the Catholic church even though I wasborn and raised there. I grew up in a Catholic school from kindergarten all the waythrough ninth grade. I do know there is an afterlife. I dont know if its heaven. Iknow there is a God, but I dont know if its a HE. I think it might just be a powerway stronger than any of us. I dont know if theres really a hell; sometimes I thinkthat we are here alreadybecause, I mean, its really hard here, so the way I deal withgrief is I just do things for myselfIll read, sometimes Ill pray, andI find peace inchurch sometimes, but it doesnt have to be a Catholic church, just the fact that Im ina churchits just that serenity of a safe place, a comfortable place. H. went on tosay, Ive read a lot of Buddhism and I like some of their stuff. I obviously hadcatechism from being in a Catholic school, so I have a lot of different views. For me,when Ive lost people who are close, I have found peace with my friends, with myfamilyyou know, getting goofy with my family and then telling stories about mygrandmother. Thats how we all found comfortall of us use humor a lot.
I wondered what kinds of things H. would read during a time of grief. She told methat it didnt necessarily have to be something religious or about grief, just as long as itcaptured her attention and she could remain focused on it. H. did say that she likedpoetry a lot, and those affirmation books, things like thatthat helps me.
I also inquired more specifically about beliefs regarding life after death. H. told me, Ithink we all have souls and I think the souls either come back, maybe some kindahang out. So, you believe in reincarnation? I asked. Yeah, reincarnation. Ibelieve in guardian angels, somebody watching after yousome people call it instinctor gut, some people say I heard a voice in my head! Its something thats protectingyou and watching out for you. Maybe an old soul somewhere.
N. said, I believe there is a life after death. I believe in spirits. WellI dont knowif H. likes this, but Im a medium. Sometimes I can say things, I can predict thingsthat happen. When I asked her if she has had any communication with her mom sinceher death, N. told me she had. I have a couple of friends in Florida who are like me: they believe in spirits and one of them is a medium that spirits come through her. Myself, I dont do that. I can see things. I dream of things, and I see spirits. Iencouraged her to keep talking. So, when I was in Florida I have a spiritual mass inmy house. We get together, we set a table with a crucifix, a candle, flowers, holywater, and perfume. And we pray and we sing, we pray and we sing, and then we saythat this mass is for the spirit of so and so. So, her (my mothers) spirit came to myfriend. My friend had never met her.
Was your friend also Cuban? I asked. Yes, N. replied, Theres a lot of thingsthat she doesnt know between what happened with my mom and Ithere are thingsbetween the two of us that nobody knows. We may have a fight and we say things,and we hurt each other for a few years, and then we talk with each other again andthats forgottenbut its thereyou know? So my friend didnt know about my motherand me, and my mother and mewe never got along so good. She was totallydifferent from me, and that was it. So when she came to my friend, the first thing shesaid to me was Im sorry, I want you to forgive me because I wasnt a good mother. I asked N. how she felt about that. N. told me, I said to her, No, I forgive you along time ago, and this is past. Dont think about it; you need to be concentrating onyour spirit, and you get the light.
I wondered if N. had frequently experienced contact with her mother. No, she said,it doesnt happen that often. Usually I see her in a dream.
When I asked H. if she ever sensed her grandmother around her, she said, Ive sensedstuff before, but I dont know if its my grandmother because I wasnt that close to her. But as Ive gotten older Ive tried to follow my instincts more. Even when I wasyounger Id have a really weird feeling about something, you know, and sure enough! As Ive gotten older I just feel that whenever I get that gut feeling I try to follow it, andits never led me astray; its always been the right thing to do. Its an intuition kind ofthing.
H. told me that, besides her belief in God and an afterlife, she also believed that wellsee each other again at some point. This isnt final. I never feared death at all becauseI always feel like people are going to a better place; again, because this is kinda hellsometimes, and it might be a release. Especially when peoplelike the job Im doingnow, or when I worked at the hospitalsometimes death is the best thing, you know,and it is to finally be at peace with yourself. So, I never feared it. I dont know; Imean, when people have passed on I dont get like I lose it, I just feel they are going toa better place and one day well meet up again.
BELIEFS THAT COULD ADD TO THE PAIN OF LOSS
When I asked N. and H. whether there were any beliefs they held that seemed to add totheir pain after loss, neither one of them had very much to say. It was hard to tell ifthey found the question confusing, or simply didnt hold any beliefs that added to theirpain. Still, H. did talk about how her losses seem to pile up, one on top of the other. Ive had lots of losses, said H., but its not people who have died. Its people whohave left my life for some reason or another, and thats a loss.
I wondered if, when experiencing these losses, H. lost any faith in God. She replied,No, I think I lose more faith in God when I see really bad things happen. Like, notso much death, but if I see starving children or diseasethings like that really bug me;that bugs me more than death because death is final and youre done, and thats it.
So you see death as kind of a natural thing, I affirmed. Yeah, H. replied, itspart of life. Where the other things are things that can be handled differently bymanits more controlled. Whereas deaththeres a saying in Spanish that there aretwo things that you cant predict: one is when you are going to be born, and theother is when youre going to die. Everything else you can just kind of go with it,but those two things you just dont know. Just like I feel that when youre born youalready knowsomebody already has it written somewhere when youre going to die. And you can do anything in your power to get around that, but the day that itsassigned for you to go is it.
I said, You believe in fate, then. Big time, yup, replied H. I believe in fate bigtime because everybodyand now you hear it even more with the World TradeCenterpeople who have said, I could have been in the building, but I stopped off atStarbucks to get coffee, or, I went to the dentists office, or the fireman who had theday off, but he went into the building anyway. You knowit was their day to go. Itwas just their day. Somebody called them. I definitely believe in fate. She went onto say that she thought somebodys time to go had a lot to do with your soul andwhether youve done what you wanted to accomplish on earth while you werehereor are you going to maybe hang out and protect some people, people you loveor were in your lifeor are you going to come back as something else because yourenot done yet, you still have another journey to complete.
In reply to my question of what could add to the pain of her loss, N. said, Well, itshard. Its hard when a person dies you loveyou know youre not going to see themanymore; that you wont be able to talk to them, and sometimes you get regrets, like,Oh, I didnt say this, or oh, I didnt tell them that. But you know, I dont think Ihave anything
At this point, N. didnt seem to have anything else to say, so I proposed the situationof a widow who may, besides losing her husband, also lose property and assets. Iwondered how, in her experience, it was in her culture. She explained that her mother,since shed been in a nursing home for so long, did not have an estate or anything likethat. N. then went on to talk about how important she thinks it is to have ones affairsin order. I keep telling H. Im going to write a letter and tell her what to do with this,and this Would you stop it! No, I want you to do things like I tell you or Imgoing to haunt you forever. N. laughed, and said, And she would say, And youwould do it, too! N. went on to talk about how we never know when we are goingto die, so its important to have everything in order. You dont know, N. said, Itsso hard. Like, because I believe in spirits and things like that, I know you dont knowwhen youre going to die. I can be sitting here, and I can be dead in a couple of hours. All I have to do is get a heart attack, or a brain hemorrhage, or whatever, and thats it. You know? So you have to be prepared. And unfortunately, people dont do that, andit creates problems for the family after.
END OF LIFE DECISIONS
I asked H. if, in her opinion, her mothers culture had any beliefs about end of lifedecisions. I posed a hypothetical scenario of a family conference where they werebeing told that a loved one, say her grandmother, had six months left to live and somedecisions needed to be made. I wondered if this would be an acceptable thing for adoctor to do with people from the Cuban culture. I dont know, H. replied. Idont know how they would have handled it, to be honest with youThe whole familyconference thing, I think it would have dependedand I think this is true for mostHispanicsit would have depended on who was telling them. Was it coming from adoctor who theyve known for a long time and who is trusted, maybe a Spanish guy? Or is it coming from this white doctor who is a neurologist who just started treating herbecause hes on duty that day? Thats a big one.
I summarized, So, the relationship they have with the person who is discussing all ofthis with them is important.
Yes, thats a big one, said H. I think people will hear it better if you send someonein who is kind of like them.
I later asked about cremation. Actually, my mom was not thinking about cremation,but Ive talked her into it, H. answered. Now she doesnt want to lie in the ground. And there again, it had to do with education.
OPINIONS OF HEALTHY VS. UNHEALTHY GRIEF
When I asked H. how she would define healthy vs. unhealthy grief, she asked me if Iwanted her to answer that question from her point of view, or from what she felt theCuban point of view would be. I asked her to give me her perspective on both becauseI thought it would be interesting to see how things may have changed for her as shegrew up in America. H. replied with, What Ive seen about Cubans is that they let itdrag on and on and onand they will talk about the same dead person for ever andever, and just drag it on and not let it go. That seems like the most unhealthiest thingbecause they dont use it in a good way.
I asked H. if she could elucidate. H. explained, Its this big build up of tragic eventsthat led up to this persons death instead of celebratingto me, it would be healthier tocelebrate the persons lifeyou knowtalk about how they made us laugh. Lets talkabout what kind of person they were, how they made youa better person in thisway. We talked about how theres so much to learn from one another. H. said,Yeah, instead of saying, Oh, my God, she had Alzheimers forever, she was this, shewas thatremember when she used to because there was a lot of bad stuff with thedisease, and my mom will still continue to this day to talk about that, and mygrandmother has been dead since 1995. Its been six years, and my mom still, Oh,your grandmother used to do this and that to me. You know, and drag it on. Its like,you know, why cant you think of the positive, fun stufflike the bread pudding sheused to makeAnd I think Cubans tend to do that; Ive noticed in the culture that theolder ones tend to focus on the negative stuff, whereas the new generation says, Okay,theyre dead: move on. Celebrate their life and move on.
So I asked H. what she thought a healthy time period for grieving was. I dont knowif theres an exactI dont think you can just say, Okay, six months from now Imnot going to grieve any more, H. answered. I dont think you can just put a limiton it, or you know, any kind of set time on ityou cant because everybodys individualneeds have to be I mean, I was done grieving by the time I flew back; but everybodyis different. My uncle grieved forever. My mom is still going on about it, so I dontknow exactly how long it takes, but I certainly think that once a person has passed onits time to let go. I mean, what is the point of thinking about what they went through? Whats the point of just talking it into the ground? Just let it go.
I asked H. if she thought she saw her mom move through the various stages of grief. She replied with, I dont knowI think the grieving process has a lot to do with therelationship you had with the person. My moms relationship with her mother was justawful. It was dysfunctionalit was horrific, just awful, and thats how she grieved:dysfunctionally, the same exact way she lived her lifeand how her interaction waswith my grandmother, its the same exact way after she passed away. It wasnthealthy, just like the relationship wasnt healthyMy uncle was the samemy unclewas always kind of narcissistic, so the funeral turned into the same for him. I mean,nobody grieved in a healthy way at all.
I wondered if H. could tell me more about her thoughts on what would have been ahealthier way to grieve. She told me, I mean my unclehis grievinghe wasnteven grieving. I mean, he was crying and all hysterical, and all this show, and Imthinking to myself, You didnt even call this woman. She was in a nursing home forhow long, and you didnt pick up the phone, you never wroteand now youre puttingthis on, for who? You know, and I dont know if it was maybe guiltI just didnttrust his tears. So, I mean, the healthier thing would have been like, Yeah, I reallydidnt care. Im just showing up. I mean, show updo the decent thingshe was yourmom. Be there, be respectful, but dont come with tears and all this stuff, and thewhole showCubans are very high drama. I found this interesting, since earlier inthe interview it sounded like there had been very little crying at her grandmothersfuneral. H. explained, A lot of the Cuban culture is very catered to what people aregoing to think, and what people are going to sayso I need to behave a certain waybecause, what are people going to say?And its ridiculous: totally ridiculous. Butthere is a lot that. Thats my interpretation from being first generation. Youregoing to get a totally different opinion from my mom.
N.s response to my question about what was healthy vs. unhealthy grief, interestinglyenough, was actually not so different from her daughters viewpoint. N. started bysaying, Healthy grief is to continue your lifeYou know, like whats the use to keepcrying for something, for somebody: they arent there anymore. Why keep theclothes? Give the clothes to somebody else. Thats it, you know. Not toforgetbecause I havent. I have a lot of people in my family who diedmy father,my mother, my grandmother, my aunt that I love like my mother. And I have picturesof them, and I say prayers to them. In other words, I never forgot them. But I dontcry for them everyday or anything like that. Sometimes I shed a little tear when I thinkof something, but thats it. So, I try to live my life as much as I can, and enjoy everyday as it comes, because you dont know tomorrow what will happen.
As for what unhealthy grief looked like according to N., she explained it would besomeone who holds onto it. LikeI have a friend whose husband died and shekept his clothes for years. Why? Thats unhealthy! Give it to somebody who can useit, or throw it away. But what do you want the clothes in there, in the closet for,taking space? Its good to have a picture, to have memories of a little something that hegave you, and you know, things like that. But some people just hang onto and they getsick on it. They cry and cry, and they get sick. Obviously, N.s opinion of her owngrieving was quite different from how her daughter saw her grieving!
From there, N. and I started to discuss the connection between ones mind and body. She told me that she believed that someone who couldnt let go, but continued togrieve, would get physically sick, Because your mind has a lot to do with your body,N. said. She then went on to tell me about her battle with breast cancer, somethingthat she did not connect to her grief over her mother. N. told me that she wasdiagnosed in 1998. She had a lumpectomy done and received radiation. And I wasdepressed, she said, Not that I thought I was going to die, because I knew I wasntgoing to diethe doctor said so. But that big C, you know
I empathized with all the loss N. must have gone through as she was diagnosed andtreated for her cancer. N. said, Its depressing! But I went through it and I prayeda lot. And I dont even think about it. Why? Because if I think about it, maybe I getit again. I dont want to think about thatNope! Forget it! I have faith that I wouldnever get it again, and that is that. N. went on to show me a picture of herself, H.,her son and her daughter-in-law, at the Race for the Cure, which took place the daybefore N.s lumpectomy. N. told me that just looking at that picture made her feelemotional. The depth of her sharing was very touching to me, and I told her so. Thecourage that she showed dealing with her breast cancer was inspirational, and I wastouched that she would show me such a personal facet of herself and how she dealtwith the loss and grief inherent in being challenged with such a disease. The cancerwas not something that came up in my interview with H.; perhaps because she didntwant to breach her mothers confidence, for as youll see in the next section, in manyways both N. and H. see themselves as very private people.
RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN THEIR PRIVATE GRIEF AND PUBLIC MOURNING
H. told me that she saw herself as very strong when shes in public. Im there andIm the strong oneI dont show a lot of emotion. Ive done it tons of times withfriends, with family. If they need someone strong, Ill show up and Ill be thereMypersona is that I can handle anythingyou know, bring it on! And then I go home and Icrash. And Ill cry, and Ill throw things, and Ill let it out. So, its totally differentfrom what Im showing. And I dont think a lot of people see that side of me becauseits to an extreme. Im extremely sensitive, so to a certain point I think its a defensemechanism, too. I dont show people that Im that sensitive, but, I mean, I lose itItotally lose it. H. told me about a case she went on as part of her job. She explainedhow she sat with a family member and grieved with him, and how during that time shewas very strong. However, she said, the next two days I could hardly walk. I wasjust emotionally drained.
I asked her if she thought it was different in the Cuban culture, and reminded her ofher uncle whose public mourning seemed to be very different from his privatemourning.
H. shared her opinion: to me, thats annoying (what her uncle did) because havinggrown up here, the American wayis be honest and if you dont feel like crying,dont cry, and thats okay. But you know, the Cuban style is you have to showemotion: you have to do itespecially the women. For women not to cry and not to beoverly sensitive is like (she gestures here)All my moms friends, they all say, H.wears the pants in that family, because Ive been strong for my uncle, strong for mymom. For a woman to be strong and not show emotion is not typical, not typical atallthey kind of go, Whats wrong with her? Kind of like, How could she carry hergrandmothers casket? She should be hysterical, crying! They thought emotionally Ishould be a mess, but I would just say Im not a mess, really! Im okay! BecauseI wasnt feeling that, why should I show that? For other people to see and say, what,poor H.? No!And I looked at it totally different, I looked at it as this woman livedher lifeshe lived a long lifeshes done, you know? She was done 20 years ago! ButGod let her go onthat was somebodys decision, somewhere.
H. and I went on to discuss how lonely it can be when everyone gets used to you beingthe strong one, but then one day, youre not feeling so strong You present thisperson who can handle anything, said H., and then one day you just cant andtheyre like, Hey! What got into you? Hello! I can get depressed!
H.s mom also described herself as a person who was more private than public. Inanswering the question, overall she spoke more of general affairs than of herselfpersonally. Because Im a very private person, said N., Like, I go to the gym andI dont like to go naked in front of the other women; I mean, Im not like that! Itsnothing against the other womenbut I cant do that! I dont know if its my culture,whateverbut I cannot do it. So, this (grieving) is the same thing. Some peoplelikewhen this thing happened in New York. My brother lives in New York; he lives farfrom where it happened, thank God! But hes there and he sees things we dont seeover hereand he feels it more than we do. N. went on to tell me, in detail, abouthow her brother called her the morning of September 11th, and how, hesscreaming on the other line, Oh, my God! Look what happened! We got soemotional, she said. You know, I couldnt sleep for three nights!
Then, N. started to talk about her son, S. She showed me a picture of S. in militaryclothing. when you see the towers fall down, you see how many people are dead,and you go, Oh, God! Just the thought of it, I dont know, I get so emotional. N.related several stories to me about her son.
When the Gulf War happened, he was signed in, he was packed, he wasvaccinatedand he was ready to go. It was a matter of 24 hours. And I kneel downto that saint and I pray like that, crying, begging God, Dont let him go! He didntgo, okay? He didnt go to the Gulf, and to this day he still doesnt know why. Then Igo and tell him its my saint. Yeah, right, he says.
My son, N. went on to say, was working in the Pentagon in Washington, okay? He had signedthats why I got sick and couldnt sleep for three dayshe had signeda contract with the Army to work there three years, and he moved from Colorado toWashington in 1999. So, 99, 2000, 2001July of 2001 his commission was over. InJune of this year he got orders to move to Floridaand he said, But I still haveanother month to go. Still, they told him he had to go now; you know how the Armyis. So, July 11th he moved to Florida. So, the plane hit right where he wasworkingokay? The plane hit right there. When I saw thatI got to my knees and Isaid thank you, thank youbecause he probably would have been killed that time N. told me how H. and S. joked around about how their mothers saint saved S. Because they dont believe as I believe, but for meit was very real.
N. told me how worried S. was about friends he had who were working in thePentagon. She related a story to me that was just amazing. N. had asked S. if he hadheard from one of his friends, E. S. said that he hadnt, and he was very concernedabout him because he always started work very early in the morning. N. told me howshe prayed to her spirits who told her that E. was okay; and she told her son this, S.,she said, dont worry about E., hes fine. Youll hear from him in a couple of days. And S. did hear from E! Turns out, E. had gone to work at the Pentagon thatmorning, but was sent for coffee, and thats where he was when the plane hit. So, allthe rest of the ones at the meeting were dead, including the general, and E. was alivebecause he went to get coffee, N. said with incredulousness. We both shook ourheads in disbelief and gratitude.
After she shared this, we spoke about the tragedy of September 11th for a while. Eventually, the conversation led to discussing visits to the cemetery. N. said visitingthe cemetery was an important thing to do, but I mean, now I cant do that becauseshes in Florida. ButI have a cousin in Miami and I send her money for MothersDay and I say, Please go to my mothers, you knowwhere my mother is and putsome flowers, so, thats it.
HOW USEFUL IS GROUP SUPPORT IN FACILITATING THE SUCCESSFULRESOLUTION OF GRIEF?
On the topic of using group support to help facilitate the resolution of grief, N. and H.expressed very different viewpoints. H. told me, I think (support groups) are veryimportant. I know from the Cuban or the Hispanic point of view, my family doesntget what I do. The issue of mental health is not an issuewe just dont have any in theHispanic culture! (laughter)They just dont see (mental health) as an issue, so like,formal groups and things like that, they dont get it. Me, personally, being aneducated woman, I know that it benefits people, and Ive benefited from it. So whetherthey are informal or formalI think its very goodit makes you feel like youre notalone, and you know, thats so important because its like in the meantime youregoing, Oh, my God, Im crazy! Im the only one in the world who feels this way! So when you see that there are other people that are in the same boat as you, its greatto have solidarity with other people and you kind of know, Okay, its not so badImean, Im totally for groups.
H. told me how she has encouraged her mom to go to groups for social activities, butagain, its just not something people from her culture are given to doing. She doesntwant to do it, said H., Ive asked her to do community groups for the elderly, go tothe senior citizen center, and her response is that its full of old people. I said, youare an old person!but she says its depressing. Although H. tries to tempt hermom with all the different activities that are available, N. still resists. But again, withthat culture, they limit themselves, H. explains, None of her friends go to seniorcitizen centers. They all kind of hang out at each others houses or they dont goanywherethey spend the whole day watching TV.
I extrapolated that, since seeking social activities in a group setting is off limits, so,too, must dealing with issues such as grief in a group setting be off limitsbut evenmore so. Oh yeah, most definitely, replied H., And I think not only culturally, butit depends also on your level of education. My parents were immigrants and they wereblue collar workers. So, you know, your level of education certainly influenceswhere youre coming from. My brother has a Masters Degree, so were both collegegraduates and we know better! And then when we talk with them, they are just set intheir ways and they just dont want to see it, dont want to do it.
Even though formal support groups were out of the question, both H. and I agreed thatpeople in her culture sought support from their family and community. So thoseare the social groups that are important, the people you have known for years andyears, and they go to your weddings, to your funerals. And whats interesting is youmight not see these people all the time; you might not hang out with them. But whensomebody dies or somebody gets married or baptized, everybody comes together. But,Americans kind of hang out together moreits like, Hey, you want to come over forthe game? Hey, lets barbeque! Cubans dont do that too much. They kind of like todo their own thing with their own family, and maybe, once in awhile, like holidays orwhatever, you mingle with other people.
When I asked N. her opinion of group support, she told me, I dont know, maybeitdepends on the person. I have never been to a group. Its not that Im against it oranything, its just that Im a very strong person and every time I have problemsIwould sit down and talk to myself. I would say, this is this, this is that, and yourejust going to have to do and a drink isnt going to help me, cigarettes arent goingto help me, so I deal with it. But see, Im strong, I dont necessarily need it, but someother peoplesome people think they need to (go to a support group), maybe they feelbetter. I understand it works. Like when I had my cancer thing, they said I was sodepressed that the surgeons suggested I go to groups and stuff. But then, I thought,Im very strong. My son calls me Sergeant! So you know how strong I amhe sendsme a Mothers Day card and he signs it to the Sergeant! Sowhen they suggested Igo to a group and I needed help, I said I gotta deal with itI have a problem, I haveto deal with it. All I have to do is wake up and smell the coffee!
Since formal group support was obviously out of the question, I wondered if N. reliedon family and/or friends to talk with when she needed support. Like I said from thebeginning, Im a very private person. I can count my friends with one hand. And atthe same time, if you go to Miami, I know tons of people in Miami and they likemeI can say I have a lot of friends, but in reality I have a lot ofacquaintances. Soyou know, my life is a private life; my thoughts are my thoughts, and I keep them tomyself. She told me that sometimes there just simply is no one who she considers tobe the right person to talk to. I heard her hurt and her grief when she said, I usedto believe in friendship, I used to believe in churchI used to believe in a lot of thingsthat I dont anymoreOne thing that I always did and I still do believe in, and that isGod. I believe in God, and every morning I get up and I look at the sky and I go,Thank you, God, for letting me see the sky! because this eye (and she points to herright eye), if I cover it and look with this one, I know youre there, but I dont seeyou. I lost it from an operation I had, and it only works 30%. You knowits thingslike that, I have been through a lot. And I find out that when you need it most, yourfriends, they are not there. Yet, if you have money and you have parties, and you havedrinks and a beautiful house, you have a lot of friends.
I said, Its not right, is it? N. replied, Oh no, its not, but unfortunately, thatslife. N. talked about how her daughter, H., encouraged her to build friendships,maybe go the senior community center and engage in some activities. N. replied with,I dont want any friends; I have a television! .and I dont want to go to old people. Leave me alone; Im fine. You know, because I have my pain from friends.
And its hard to open up and trust again, I said.
Yeah, it is, said N. And then when you say you have friends and youre going through, like you know, I had my problem, and ah, no, forget it! And I have seen what they do to other people that need love and stuff like that, and no Like I said, you know, I was married for 15 years to my kids father. I divorced. A year and ½ later, I met this guy and I married him, and we were married for nine years. After that I said, eh, no more! No more, because I dont feel like taking it from anybody. See, I love my kids, I will give my arm for any of them!H., Im all close to her because shes by herself and you know, shes a woman, andI think even though she doesnt say it, and I would never mention it to her, but I think she needs me more. S. is married and he has his wife, and you know, hes a man. But I dont wantto have somebody next to me, telling me dont do this, dont go thereoh please! I cant take that anymore! I took a lot of that. The Spanish people, the Spanish man, is very possessive. They tell you how to dress, how to comb your hair, how to put on make-up, how to do this and how to do that. Let me tell you, they think theres a macho man thing. And unfortunately, I was married to a Spaniard. That is worse than anything else. So, the second one was an American. Worse! His feelings and my feelings were totally different.
SUMMARY
I was amazed at the amount of information both H. and N. were willing to share withme. Even though they both said they see themselves as private people, I felt like theyhad been quite intimate with me.
I came away from these interviews in awe of both of these women and with a deepamount of respect for them. Not only did they answer the questions I asked them,helping me to learn a great deal about the Cuban culture and what its like to combinethat culture with that of the United States, I also felt they offered a lot of additionalinformation that was unsolicited.
While at first glance, the interviews seemed to revolve around the death of G. (N.smother, H.s grandmother), in retrospect I noted several areas of profound grief thatH. and N. shared with me from their personal lives. N. spoke of losing her biologicalfather when she was three and of being there when her father-in-law died, a loss shesaid was devastating to her. N. also spoke candidly of suffering from breast cancerand of losing the sight in one of her eyes. Both mother and daughter spoke with heartwrenching honesty about the pain and grief inherent in the living of life. H. talkedabout being the strong one and then finding herself misunderstood and alone when shefinally showed feelings of sadness. N. spoke of feeling betrayed by her religion andby friends during times of need, eventually coming to a decision not to be so quick totrust
Still, both women exhibited a great deal of faith, as well as a sense of humor, that seems to help them not only survive but thrive. I am grateful to both of them for sharing so much of themselves with me, and allowing me, in turn, to share them with you.
Written for Grief in a Family Context, HPER F460, Fall, 2001.
2001, Janice Heller. All rights reserved. Interested parties may contact her through the course instructor, at gilbertk@indiana.edu. 
Travelling is my life
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